More later

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours. We join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." -Dr. Suess

 More on this later - I just loved it.  AND I love being weird.  :)

Name thing....

So I'm still playing with the name....  It may change a few more times before I embrace it.  However, Polka Dots, Daisies and Butterfly kisses are all kind of girlish.  While they all were buzz words that had significance to me only, they were reminders of my lack of maturity.  I like being young, don't get me wrong - I just would rather take those words that signify moments of my past and put them away in my hope chest of memories.  My search now is for a new name that also has meaning to me only - not necessarily derived from buzz word reminders of semi-mistakes I made but words which make me think and remind me of the journey I have taken to get where I am today.  For now, clipped wings is pretty significant.  It is based on the following quote:

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

I spent a great many years in the pursuit of happiness.  I have chased many dreams - most of them attained - only to realize these things are still not what makes me happy.  Once one goal is reached, I find I need to have another.  Or once one thing has been obtained, I see something else I want.  I've done this my whole life.  Ironically - the pursuit of happiness I've found - does not have to be searched.  Happiness is here - with me - no matter what I have or what I've done.  It is not something to be followed, or searched for, or worked on.  It is something which is just part of me - if I will let it be.  If I will count my blessings.  If I will rely on God, not man to supply my needs emotionally, physically, mentally.  Psalm 46:10 was shared with me a few years ago and it echoes in my mind often - "Be still and know that I am God".  I have found that when I quit trying to control my life or pursue what I think I want or need - I end up finding exactly what I want and need and therefore the quote above applies.

The butterfly is another recurring theme in my journey.  This beautiful creature - once an ugly caterpillar - was transformed.  She not only became beautiful but she gained wings with which to fly.  God gave me wings also but I've find I prefer not to fly.....yet.  I tried the wings and flying is good and all - I'm just not ready.  I still lack direction and I need to stay close to home until that becomes clear.  So for now, I'm letting God clip these wings and work on my inner beauty so that when I finally do fly, the radiance of God is not mistaken and the freedom of flight does not lack direction.  Not quite back to the cocoon but yet still close to the tree.

It's time to do away with the girlish prior name and embrace a more appropriate tone - even if I'm not fully matured yet.  I just celebrated my 40th birthday - the 2nd half of my life begins now.  I'd like to think the first half was spent maturing and the 2nd half will just be the refining.  One day, I will fly.  But for now, I am happy right where I am.

My Mess

I'll explain later why I've renamed this blog.  It was just time.  And for the first time ever, I actually feel good about being a mess.  I'm learning how to let the Messiah turn my messes into my message.  He is absolutely incredible!!!

I was reminded of this quote from the show Private Practice.  I no longer watch it but I just love what Sheldon says to Violet..... 
Violet: I'm a mess. Sheldon: We're all a mess. Don't you know that by now? All I know is I don't mind finding out who you are. (Private Practice)

I am still finding out who I am but I'm beginning to embrace the journey. 

Nearing the star

I wrote a few days ago about my starshine.  I am drawn to it and mesmerized by its beauty.  This year has been a journey for me and with each new day I began to see a little bit more of His star.  This star has become my compass and has pointed me in the direction I need to go.  I may have set off on the well traveled, more easily navigated road but when the star began to sparkle in my path, I was drawn to it - to the road less traveled.  This road is not traveled by many and I now know why.  It is full of twists and turns, fear and sorrow - hills and valleys.  It takes courage to not turn back.  It takes stamina to stay the course.  And it takes sheer determination to triumph over its many heartaches.  Have I looked back?  many times.  Have I been afraid? many times.  Have I suffered and cried when the road was cruel?  many, many, many times.  But through each challenge I've conquered on this road, I've been rewarded many times over and with each reward came just a little more sparke, a little more shine.  That beautiful Star!  That beautiful Star....  I can almost see it completely now and I feel my journey is coming to a resting place where I can bask not only in the precious gift of the Son but also with the precious gems I've collected in my journey.

When I arrive, I will rest.  But I know that my journey does not end here.  I know that I'm still on my way - with many different possible routes.  Some easy, some not.  Some shorter, some longer.  But I'm hoping that what I've gained on the road less traveled will stay with me and that while I am still able, I will continue on this road - accepting the challenges, climbing the mountains, racing through the valleys and continuing to seek the Star.  Each new year is a gift - and at the end we rest and enjoy.  My journey to Bethlehem is a gift as well.

Starshine

When I think of the song "You Are My Sunshine" I often like to replace the words with Son Shine.  It still works and it is still cheerful and upbeat.  In fact, to sing it no one would know that in my head I refer to Christ's reflection and not the actual sun.

But this time of year, in the bleak midwinter, the sun is a delicacy that we don't often see or feel.  This time of year we are faced with cold, gray and often dark weather that can sometimes be incredibly bitter and hard to bear.  It is a season when we crave warmth and nourishment......... and hope, and peace.

Therefore, I believe it's no accident that Christmas falls this time of year.  Christ brings all of that to our lives.  Even though our holidays become so cluttered and commercialized, there are glimpses of the Son that gleam through the darkness.  Most of us become more generous and are less focused on ourselves than any other time of year.  We give not only to our family and friends, but to people we don't know through local Christmas basket funds or toy drives.  We see more random acts of kindness - like the anonymous donors paying off the layaway balances for unknown families.  These things touch our hearts and warm our spirits.  These things are Christ....  These things are glimpses of sun/Son.

But these things to me - seem to sparkle much more than the sun.  They stand out amidst the dark part of this season.  They have a special glow that is ever so slightly different.  And so did that star that marked where Christ was born.......

And just as the sun seems like a delicacy to me now, I crave that star much more than I ever have.  I crave it not only because of its beauty but because it points the way.  It shows me where my treasure lies.  It shows me how very much God loves me.  It is a compass of sorts.

And when all the darkness of this world begins to overwhelm me, all I have to do is look for His star.  It is there, sparkling like a precious gem - leading me back to the direction I want to go.  The direction of His gift.  And He becomes not my sunshine, or my Sonshine but my Starshine.  The differences are subtle but they are there and I want to see His starshine not just now but every day of every year.

You are my starshine, my only starshine - You make me happy when life is gray

I'll always know God, How much You love me

You'll NEVER take my starshine away.

Taming the Grinch

I was feeling a little bah- humbuggy this morning when I went to read the 2 morning devotionals that come to me via email every day. Seems like they are all about Christmas. I want some good meat and potatoes spiritual food - I know all about this Christmas business....grrrr.... Give me something new!!!!

Well now, Ms. Grinch - maybe the pot is calling the kettle black? And I realized how my last 3 blog posts have also been based on the very Christmas story I know sooooo much about! God has been humbling me like this a lot lately. And you know what? It feels GOOD.

I realized that in all my 39 Christmases past, I have learned something new every year. That is the miracle of Christmas! It is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Our circumstances change so much from year to year that each season we have a new perspective and a new focus. And we get to add the bonus of new memories to be made. Instead of grumbling about being overwhelmed by it all (the parties, music, decorations and even devotionals that are just IN YOUR FACE) I'm going to embrace the attitude adjustment I've been given and learn to see those as blatant reminders of the wonderful gift we've been given......For God So Loved the World!

I was also a bit grinchy at my son's basketball game last night. Thankfully no one knew about it but me. I saw a few faces that have not been so kind to me over the last few months and had negative thoughts running through my mind. As I sat there grumbling in my head, I had a little divine tap on the shoulder that reminded me..... "Love them." I began a little debate in my head and got a little defensive. It's SO HARD to love them! But ..... it really isn't. It's as simple as a choice. And once I resolved that conflict in my head I began to see the connection. They hurt too, they are not happy, they lash out or ignore my pain because they don't want to acknowledge their own. I get it. I understand. I was that girl once....WAS. But now I AM new or at least in progress - and I get a new lesson every day. This is how God loves me - He corrects me and refreshes my attitude.

This Christmas I may be alone and I may not be involved in all the hustle and bustle. But I love looking at Christmas from the outside in. It is a truly new perspective and I hope to embrace and carry the memory forward. If you find yourself grumbling about the busyness of the season, remember that there is someone who may be feeling left out. Someone who lost a loved one, or who is sick, or who is new in town without family......even someone recently divorced like me. While I am loving Christmas without the activity, others find it hard to take and I hope I can offer a small glimpse of Christ to them this year.

Let's not get so wrapped up in the celebration that we forget to remember the Gift!

Romans 12:2 ^1-2 Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Journey to Bethlehem

I am determined not to let the oddity of this particular Christmas become a catalyst for Debbie Downerism. Just because this is not a typical holiday season for me, does not mean there are not Christmas miracles lurking around the corner. I have decided that this is just part of the journey.

Can you imagine riding on a donkey for days on end in your 9th month of pregnancy???? If Mary can endure that, then I don't know what I'm griping about. There is something wonderful coming and if I keep grumbling or lamenting over my situation then I could very well miss the full effect of the joy awaiting me! I refuse to do that.

The births of my children were the most precious times I can remember. Today is my youngest child's birthday. My own birthday is this month. This is a month of memories. Memories made and memories to be made. All good memories are prefaced with some type of journey, some type of story to be told - the same is true of miracles. I'm working on my story and in order to capture it accurately, feelings are important but often overlooked or dismissed. Not this year. God has given me the gift of time..... I have not even one Christmas party to attend. I'm beginning to see that as a blessing. He is preparing me for something - shaping me - molding me. I must be ready for Christmas this year - not in the gifting sense, not worrying about company coming or meal prep, not concerned with scheduling my time - but waiting..... riding on a donkey...... ready to see this journey through, until my Christmas miracle begins.

I hope those who are busy, can pause for just a moment and realize just what precious gift we've been given and take time to record memories of their own journey as well. Whether we relate to Mary, Joseph, the shepherds or the wise men - we all have a part in the Christmas story even today. Our personal journey can always be to Bethlehem - if we will just make the trip.

Instructed by the king, they set off. Then the star appeared again, the same star they had seen in the eastern skies. It led them on until it hovered over the place of the child. They could hardly contain themselves: They were in the right place! They had arrived at the right time!
Matthew 2:8-10

Joseph's love through faith

So because I relate to Mary in a way, I had to also think about Joseph. It couldn't have been easy to be Joseph either. Even though the marriage had been arranged, I believe Joseph loved Mary more than we are ever told in the Bible. When he heard of her pregnancy, he could have publicly denounced her, divorced her and had her stoned. He could have been angry and assumed the worst. It would have even been socially acceptable, understandable and maybe even encouraged. I would imagine Joseph wrestled with thoughts of looking like a fool or being less of a man if he forgave his Mary and accepted her in the condition she was in.

But Joseph was secure in his manhood. Joseph listened when God's angels told him it would be okay. Joseph also said yes to God. Yes - I will do what you have asked - even if I am ridiculed for it or look like a fool. Yes not just because I am obedient to you God but also because I love Mary and I love you. He recognized God's gifts.... not just an opportunity to be the male role model of the son of God but also the gift of a wife who so willingly gave of herself to God. He had no proof that Mary had been faithful or that this was even really as the angels said. He had faith in God's plan and knew of God's provision.

When the news of this was spoken to Joseph, he and Mary were not living together. I am not sure why they were apart at the time and I don't fully understand the customs back then. All I know is that they were apart. Obviously there were no phones or even mail system in which to communicate so I would think the absence from her could have created even greater motivation in which to "quietly dismiss" her (as he had decided before he let his faith kick in). But something in Joseph did lead him to faith, something still ached within him and drove him to the decision to stay the course and be reunited with his beloved. Joseph loved Mary - the feelings were there, they were strong, and they were permanent. God knew this for he created it. Even if Joseph wrestled with looking like a fool, a pushover or even less of a man - his love for Mary outweighed that and he was able to see that Mary was worth it - even without the proof of her purity. He saw the best in her and chose to trust in that.

Hebrews 11:1 - Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Just what does "Mary" mean?

This is a very unusual advent season for me. Many thoughts are in my head - deeper, more emotional heaviness than I've ever known. Little by little, Christ clears the weight from my head and replaces it with understanding like I've never known before. He gives me new confidence every day - not self confidence, but God confidence - which is really what I've needed all these years anyway. Remarkably, the book that was chosen by our ladies group to study fits in nicely with everything I've been thinking about. The title - "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God".

There is no better example of a "yes" girl than Mary - the mother of Jesus. What if Mary had said NO? She could have and God would have used someone else. How easy would it have been for her to let doubt cloud her focus, or fear hide her vision? Not only was she merely a girl, but she was a virgin. Not only was there the possibility of shame but also of torture - for young women were stoned for this in her day. She could potentially lose her beloved over this. And let's not even mention the pain.... Mary had to have witnessed childbirth by this time in her life. She surely knew of the discomfort of pregnancy and had seen the or heard of the agonies of birth. But Mary was willing in spite of this. She did not question if she was suited to this or if the timing was right. She trusted her God to bring her through it and knew He would bless her because of it. This may be the purest example of faith I know.

So I decided to look into the meaning of her name. If you google it, you will find several different meanings but most sources will say it was originally an Egyptian name - meaning beloved. How do you think that went over with someone by the name of Amy?..... yes my name also means beloved! Amy - who has been wanting to say yes - to something - but not sure what just yet. Amy - who needs a vision, a purpose right now in this uncertain time of her life. Amy - beloved - God is calling you. What will you say?

God planted within me a desire when I was a little girl and although I excelled at many different things throughout my childhood, there was only one thing at which I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted for my life. That was and is motherhood. My greatest task, greatest blessing and job that I am best at - is the important responsibility of mothering my children. There is no greater gift. I am truly humbled that God gave me these children and the incredible gift of motherhood. They both amaze me daily and I feel that I can't take credit for any of the wonderful things they do because their talents are truly from God. I feel in awe that He entrusted their care to me. What is my job as their mother? To love and nurture them into adulthood.

But what God showed me today is that this does not have to stop with my own children. God showed me that I have something in common with Mary. My name means beloved - just like Mary - and God loves me so much that he gave me the desire to continue to love and nurture not just my own children but to love and nurture His children! Can you imagine how humbled Mary must have been to be chosen to love and nurture Jesus? And now....God wants me to do the same. This isn't limited to the obvious definition of children (18 and under) but all of us our God's children and we all need to be loved. God sent Jesus to help us understand His love but Jesus is no longer on earth. We see Jesus through each other. And even Jesus needs His mother :) So my gift this Christmas and going forward is motherhood. I embrace this gift and say YES! I will be a mother - not just to my own children but to God's children. Mother to Jesus? Me? Yes - because Jesus is in all of us - lets love and nurture Him in our hearts and the hearts of others.

Meltdown

Yesterday was emotional day like none other. I can't really explain why. There are many reasons for it but why it hit yesterday, I have no idea. At the time, it was pretty unbearable but I'm still here breathing today so I guess I got through it. I feel sorta like my fever just broke and that relief is on its way.

Emotions are so puzzling to me. I stifled them for so long that they have to come up and slap me around from time to time I guess. I'm not going to fear them anymore - but try to embrace them. They are what makes us human. They enable us to love, and learn, and communicate. I want to feel every ounce of anger, every last tear, and every big thick belly laugh that comes along.

What I have to work on is my faith. I let doubt cloud every ounce of me yesterday. I cried out to God but then didn't listen for His calming presence.

It reminded me of stray cats I see in the neighborhood (yes - I have just a small bit of crazy cat woman in me). They look lonely, hungry even desperate at times. I try to be the cat whisperer and get them to trust me. I provide for them sometimes by setting food out but they just keep running away. Sometimes I have the thought - If only I could turn myself into a cat for awhile - to be able to communicate to them, on their level that my yard is a safe haven - that they can trust me and find peace and rest here. That is exactly what God did for us when He sent His son to live here on earth. He sees us struggling. He sees us hungry. He sees us searching for peace. He sent His son to communicate to us that He is our safe haven - our resting place. If only we will listen and accept His gift.

I may have run out into the alley yesterday, but I eventually made my way back. Today I rest in His most generous gift of love. (and I have a massage appointment after work - woohoo!)

Kitty Christmas

So I pulled out the Christmas tree yesterday and got it put up minus the ornaments. I'm letting the kids do that tonight. I'll watch them and hope for laughter without the lump in my throat or in the pit of my stomach knowing this is the first Christmas that our family has taken such a different path. I never knew how painful holidays can be when you are alone. It give me new perspective and empathy for those who have lost loved ones this year (no matter what the circumstances). However, in an odd way, the Christmas tree gives hope. Even as a little girl, I loved sitting in the dark with only the tree lights on daydreaming of what would await me on Christmas morning. As I got older, my dreams expanded past Christmas and I would think about my life ahead of me and be full of hope for the plans God had for me. I'm trying very hard to see past the bittersweet side of this and know that I still have that hope and know that Christmas this year is going to be wonderful even if I'm alone because I've got so many people that love me.

So on to the kitty side of this. The reason I came to this conclusion this morning is because of Ruby the cat. She is so funny. When Anna was little she had these two small stuffed kittens (about the size of real kittens) and Ruby immediately adopted them. No lie - she carries them around the house by the scuff of their neck just like a mama cat would. She even talks kitty talk to them (if you've ever known a mama cat, they have a really different, strange language for their kittens). She usually does this at night when we are all in bed. Most often I can hear her coming down the hall, chatting her kitten language with the kitten in her mouth and she then brings the kitten to my room for the night. I heard her last night but this time she was in the living room and did not come into my room. She was talking way more than usual but I dismissed it and rolled over to sleep.

This morning was normal and I went through the motions packing kids lunches and getting ready for work. After the kids left, I glanced at the tree. Underneath it was a "sleeping" stuffed kitten. I know it's odd but it so touched my heart. I know Ruby is a cat and has no real reasoning ability but I can't help but think she is excited about Christmas too. I can't help but think that Ruby brought her baby to the tree to show her its Christmas! Look! Presents are coming! Or else she has sensed my sadness lately and brought her baby there as a gift to me. Nevertheless, it made me see that no matter what life brings, no matter what trials we face, there is always Christmas! It's about love and hope! God wants us to know how much He loves us and wants us to see how much hope he brings. ALL things are possible through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.

The tree is up and even with the knot in my stomach I know He's got this. He's never let me down and never will.

Warning: Do not read unless you are really into me.

This is MY blog. It is not just written for me, but about me. It's my method of self discovery - my way of working out my thoughts into logical, orderly explanation. There have been two observations from others about me lately that I have wanted to really sink my teeth into but they are both questions that require a great deal of thought.

From my ex: I'm not sure you can ever be happy.

From my mom: You are always looking for perfection. When will you realize there is no such thing?

This - from the two people who know me best in the world. I must entertain these thoughts. But.... I feel I must also explain them.

First of all for the first question I believe my basic temperament explains this. I am a melancholy personality and the following description rings true (except for the keeping everything in order part - an even though I don't follow through with this, in a perfect world an organized, orderly household would help me be incredibly at peace). Here is the lineup of my personality:

Personality Strengths of the Melancholy

Deep and thoughtful
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
As a parent, sets high standards and wants everything done right.
As a homemaker, keeps everything in order.
As an employee, schedule oriented and hard working.
A list maker and keeper.

Personality Weaknesses of the Meloncholy

Easily offended
Can get too caught up in details
Doesn't do well with change.
Struggles with insecurity
Tends towards depression

There is more at this site: http://www.womenbygrace.com/personalitytypes_melancholy.html
Scary how accurate this description is! And honestly I would have to say that I can see where my ex would think that happiness eludes me. Thing is, to say I can't ever be happy is very unfair - especially coming from him. He has seen my happiness more than anyone else in this world. If its not enough for him then he needs to take note that melancholy personalities are to be avoided. To me, when I read the strengths of the melancholy - they definitely outweigh the weaknesses. To me, when a melancholy is happy, it's a true meaningful happy and definitely not some fake, pretend false pretense. I liken it to when a cat shows love. You know cats don't do something unless they mean it so when they love you its real. Melancholy personalities are the same!

As for perfection (the concern of my mother) - it appears that this is also a personality trait. I have definitely gotten much better over the years at not needing to be perfect in everything I do. I have learned to embrace my flaws and mistakes and see them as ways I learn, tools of refinement, beauty marks if you will. I definitely no longer expect perfection in others! Where I do seek perfection is where I know something can be improved. When I see that something or someone is not working to their full potential. It is out of concern that I try to encourage better ways of doing things or even demand more effort. Perhaps my discontentment has shown up in seeking a better house, different car, new clothes, etc. but that really isn't a search for perfection. It just a vision of betterment. I believe God has humbled me so much over the last year however, that material things have lessened in importance to me. My experience with wealth (be it ever so limited) is that money will not solve problems or even lessen them and actually ends up creating entirely different issues in a lot of cases. We can get so wrapped in in what money allows us to do that we lose sight of the important things that need our attention. The things that are free. The things that are simply there wanting us to love them, wanting to love us back.

I can't change my personality type. This is who I am. Perhaps it may appear that I have difficulty with contentment. I will agree. I am a work in progress and I do see progress. But I also see no problem in not being content with what we have at the moment and knowing that there is more. In fact, I think that's human nature and not just a weakness of the melancholy. Once more the lyrics to Blessings by Laura Story help me feel ok about this weakness of mine.....

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

We all struggle with discontentment at times. It's because this world is not our home. We have an unexplained longing for more because deep down we know there is more - we just don't always know how to find it. The answer is that we will NEVER find it here on earth. Only our Heavenly Father can supply it. He doesn't want us to be content with this world. Our contentment should be in Him.

Old Lace and Promises

So I was in a cleaning mood today and I got in several closets and pulled out stuff to throw away or give to charity. I then went out to the garage to organize it a bit so my daughter can pull her car in as it is beginning to get colder and the threat of frost is more likely. She had a friend over and they were curious about one of my boxes I was moving - the big white one. They asked the contents and I told them and said I was thinking of getting rid of it. I'm not exactly sure why I've hung onto it. For someone who isn't very sentimental, its out of character for me to be so attached to this item.

The girls, however, had another idea. They wanted to see the contents. So..... we opened the box. They were suprisingly complimentary of this item. So much so that my daughter even wanted to try it on! Now I - at this age and being the non-sentimental person that I am - had no interest whatsoever when my mother took her wedding dress out and showed it to me! However, Anna took a liking to my dress - all except for super puffy sleeves that looked like wings on such a small girl. I can't believe I didn't take flight when I wore it almost 20 years ago. And what surprised me even more is that the dress fit her. We discussed ways we could have the dress altered to look a little more modern but still keep the main parts intact. While I would never consider wearing my mother's dress, she is seriously thinking about wearing mine (or at least part of it).

It feels a bit surreal to realize that my daughter will be of age to marry in just a few years. It's even more surreal to see her put on a dress I wore almost 20 years ago. What makes it worse is to watch her do this while the failure of my marriage keeps replaying in the back of my mind.

What gives me hope however, is that she actually thinks my dress is beautiful - or that parts of it are - and she wants to revitalize it in some way to make it into her version of the perfect dress for beginning a new life with her future husband, whomever that may be. I can't help but get a message of symbolism from that. Just like the dress, there were parts of my marriage that were beautiful but there are also parts that just no longer work. Does that mean the dress/marriage should be thrown away? Some would say yes - throw it out and start anew. But me - being the non-sentimental person that I am - ironically says the opposite. The beautiful parts are worth saving - whether that be in effort to make it more current or simply to hold onto as a precious memory of one of the best days of my life.

There were many things promised that day - and since then several promises broken. But there were also priceless memories and 2 wonderful children that came from that union. As for the dress - I'm not sure what new creation the taylor will come up with but I'm so glad that at least part of it is still cherished and not only by me. Maybe the style of the dress did not stand the test of time, but the value is still there and I, for one, will treasure it with all my heart.

Bleak Midwinter

As it is Thanksgiving of course I am feeling nostalgic. Looking back on years gone by and realizing this year is so very different. This is the first year that I will experience the holidays without a husband.

That thought could get me down but I'm not going to go there (for today at least). I am going to count what I do still have and know that there is One who loves me more than I can understand. One who will never detach even though I miss the mark time and time again.

My heart longs to be shared but I am learning that I must first share it with the One who loves me most. I've held on to my heart too long, greedily clenching it with my own selfish will. I release it now as the Christmas season begins and open my clenched fist in faith that our Great Provider knows my needs even more than I do. He gives even when we don't deserve it .... especially when we don't deserve it.

My focus is not on what I can give others this year but on what I can give Him. This brings to mind a favorite hymn - my theme song this season.

In the bleak midwinter, frost wind made moan, earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone; snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow, in the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain; heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign. In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Angels and archangels may have gathered there, cherubim and seraphim thronged the air; but his mother only, in her maiden bliss, worshiped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give him, poor as I am? If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb. If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part. Yet what can I give? Give Him my heart.

Unresolved Issues

Do I appear to have it together? Do I seem to have direction and know what I want? Some would say yes. However, those that know me most intimately have seen the brokenness and confusion that I face daily.

So - unresolved issues in place - does that mean you no longer want to know me? Or does it help you to feel like you are not alone in that? Unresolved issues in place - does that make me way too complicated for you to want to have a relationship with me? Or do you want to be a part of my progress and recovery?

And how about your own unresolved issues..... Want to know how I feel about those? I see the pain they bring you. I know they are extremely difficult to face and deal with. That is exactly why they are unresolved. However, I believe in you. I want to see you conquer them. I know you can do it! How do I know? Because I have issues myself that are no longer unresolved. I have faced and dealt with many things that I have laid to rest. How about my resolved issues? Should they not be an encouragement to you?

Unresolved issues in my mind are a non-issue. We all have them. Eventually we deal with them or they just come out - like an explosion. I am not fearful of this but rather hopeful when this happens because it forces healing. I want to help you deal - even if I become the brunt of the explosion. For in my mind, the explosion - though damaging - forces cleanup and rebuilding and this could mean a life brand new.

What I would hate to see happen is for my own unresolved issues to be the reason that you avoid facing your own. The irony is that the main unresolved issue that I once faced - my biggest hurdle - has been taken care of. I was able to get past the pain of years of disappointment, get past the cloud of disrespect that I let take hold of my heart, and become renewed to the passion I once had in my youth. To me, that was the first step toward fixing the other secondary things that I've let go over the years. And now.... because one of those secondary things reared its ugly head, I must go to work building all those walls back up - so that my heart can stay intact, but this time, to keep it broken and not the hardened mass it had become. This time - to be protected by God's grace and not perverted by my own attempt at restoration.

My own unresolved issues have been repaired by love. I hope that you will begin to repair yours the same way. Let God love you today.

Peace, Be still.

You know that feeling when a storm is brewing? There may not be obvious signs of it yet but you can just feel the tension in the air. The anticipation in the atmosphere builds and then the storm comes in - may be just rain, may be a little thunder or a little lightning maybe or it could be a full on tornado that comes through.

I think that describes not only our outside world but sometimes our interaction with others as well. Turmoil often festers for days before it comes out and then comes the rain...... or the thunder...... or the tornado of conflict. You never know how long it will last and then when its over, you still hear the rumblings for a few days. I used to dread this very thing - maybe even fear it a little. But I'm beginning to understand that sometimes it takes a storm to bring about new life. We may even have to deal with a little destruction after the storm before we are able to see the tiny blooms of something fresh and new peeking up through the ground. And in order for those fresh, new leaves or blooms to flourish and grow - we must have at least a little more rain.

Perhaps a healthy relationship requires this kind of "weathering" as well.

And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Mark4:37-40

I used to see this as the beginning of the end of a relationship. Fighting, misunderstandings, conflicts or storms were death signs to me. But I'm beginning to know that sometimes these things are necessary to proceed to the next stage or level. These "storms" - though they often bring destruction in their path - also bring about the new - whether through renovation of buildings or hydration for new plants. And even when the old is destroyed - we still have the memories of the good that took place there but can see the new that was brought about by the storm.

So from here on out, I will quit fretting over the storm. When God is ready, He will calm it. And even though His "new" may be completely different from my "new" - He knows what He is doing and has a blessing in store if I will just have the willingness to be open to it. I've been through another storm recently and am coming off the tail end of it - still hearing the faint rumblings of thunder and feeling the drops of rain. I'm trusting that He will take this calm I feel after the storm and carry me through the cloudy days ahead until the Son comes shining through to my heart once more.

Do you?

Love.
What a vague, generalized term.
I love my new outfit. I love my job. I love my home. I LURVE my children!
How can one word have so many different intensities, meanings, applications?
How can one word be so obvious, yet so difficult to understand?
How can one word represent a universal desire or need that is innate to all of us?

ALL of us.

We are born with this yearning - to know, feel and give love.
It's not just a human trait, but animals seek it as well.
In its absence, we fail to thrive.

I am fortunate enough to have experienced all forms of love yet I seek an even greater knowledge of the word. I want to know love outside of myself but yet I want someone to give that in return. Is this my fairy tale fallacy? I'm not really talking about happily ever after but rather acceptance ever after. Awareness of each others strengths and weaknesses with a willingness to accept each other and deal with the inadequacies and vulnerabilities we all face at one time or another.

Intimacy in physical form should be secondary to true transparency in the emotional sense. The ability to see ALL of each other and be truly uncovered but yet still comfortable with that awareness would be ideal. I seek authenticity in a man - not just as it pertains to me but also to others. No masks, no pretentions. Just...... REALness.

Needle in a haystack, maybe. Possible? Absolutely. I believe. Do you?

Right to be right

Joyce Meyer always seems to be talking directly to me. One of her latest Facebook posts still has my mind turning -

"When you walk in love, you give up your right to be right."

Wow. My right to be right. How long have I been clinging to that one? Seems I'm always right, right? I'm always justified in my feelings. I always have a valid reason for what I do. I will go to great lengths to show someone my view - try to make them understand where I'm coming from - prove that I know what I'm talking about.

But I'm learning as I go that nobody is right. And it really doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong. In fact, being wrong can be a good thing because it brings about new ways of looking at things and more effective life lessons. When we realize we are wrong, we change and grow.

It's not in being correct or error free that we are rewarded. It's our intent that eventually determines how much we gain from a relationship or situation. If we are self seeking when we act, we won't find fulfillment. It's only when we begin to act out of genuine care and love for others that we feel true reward. If we truly care for others, then being right comes secondary. Our primary goal is to nurture, protect and cherish them. We begin to put their emotional needs ahead of our own and therefore find our quest to be right can often be thrown out the window.....

However - there are always those times in our relationships where we begin to disagree. Or maybe we just have issues for which we find no compromise. Perhaps those are times where finding a solution is not the best use of our time. Some things are simply not fixable. And maybe that's where we must choose to walk in love and put our quest to be Queen of Correct aside. We don't have to prove our point. We don't have to know the answer. And we don't even have to eat crow and admit we're wrong. At these times, maybe we should just shift focus to what's important and that's our love for each other. Accept each other as we are and not on each others terms. Let go of our right to be right.

I find it ironic that the only One who really has the right to be right is also the only One who is capable of true love. When there is no solution and I find I'm completely incapable of being right, I go to Him. I trust Him with my quest for perfection. He pretty much summed up that the only way to be right is to learn how to love. He not only points that out time and time again in His word but also lived it and died for it. While I know I'll never completely grasp love's true meaning, I still search for it and try to understand it - for it is the only way to be right.

Which also reminds me of some silly 70's song lyrics ----
"If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right"
Perhaps Joyce has been listening to some retro Cd's :)

Short, sweet and to the point

I think everyone knows someone who takes forever to tell you something or ask a question. They throw in details you don't need to know or already knew. It was probably even this person who told you, but they forgot that they had told you - lol. This is actually one of my biggest pet peeves and I'm sure I became this way because of my brother - who has little to no tolerance for embellishment. I learned at an early age to just GET TO THE POINT !!!!

So then, it should be no surprise to me that God feels the same way! I bet I'm not the only one who didn't realize this. We've been taught in Sunday School to pray these long, beautifully worded prayers and to carve out time in our day to devote completely to prayer. But guess what - this is actually contradictory to what God tells us. He already knows our thoughts and concerns so he doesn't need the play by play. He simply needs the acknowledgement that we know He is in charge and ABLE to handle our needs/wants/concerns!

“Never stop praying.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (NLT)

What this tells me is that He wants to hear from us all day long. Not that we have to be in continual prayer stance - but that to know that whenever we find ourselves with issues, we can go to him, voice our concern and then go about our day. Ever thought about how we text each other? Mostly simple things - quick questions, fleeting thoughts, etc. God wants that from us. He just wants to be on our minds as much as our friends and family are (and actually more so). Look at the Lord's prayer and recite it. It takes less than 30 seconds. That is the example of prayer Jesus gave to us. He taught us how..... It was not this long, drawn out, artfully worded script. It is short, sweet and to the point. Does God still want us to carve out time in our day for Him? Of course. But He also understands the humans that we are and knows we are terrible time managers. He is happy knowing that He is on our minds - just as we are when our children, friends, or relatives think of us.

Making ample time for God is important too but I think it comes naturally if we keep Him in our thoughts. Our own human relationships are a great example. When we need each other, we carve out the time. When we enjoy each other, we carve out the time. If we keep our peeps in our thoughts - it's only natural to make time to spend with them. Keep God in your circle. Send him a few mental text messages each day (i.e - prayer). The rest should fall into place.

What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Sweet Freedom

I woke up this morning with this subject on my mind - not sure why really but "free" is a concept we all seek, right? Not just as it pertains to bondage but also to our stuff :) Free items are good - the are gifts in a way. Everyone appreciates a free meal, free drink or buy one get one kind of offer! When something is free that means we don't have to give up our own resources to receive it.

Freedom - in our lives is also a good thing. Our country was founded on this principle. As humans, we don't like to be told what to do or how to do it. We don't like to feel chained down or held to certain guidelines. We want the liberty to live our lives our way without someone else dictating the way we do things or limit how much we can obtain, etc. Even as children we long for the day to be out from under parental rule. This quest for freedom must be some kind of inherent need.

Problem is, we rarely find true freedom. There are rules that all of us must follow - whether clearly defined or not. With relationships, there are unspoken expectations and simple etiquette. With society there are cultural norms and written laws.

And why? For our own good? For protection? Or maybe..... because they in turn, allow us to actually experience the freedom we so crave.

So many things hold us in bondage - past mistakes, bad habits, poor attitudes, unhealthy desires. These usually result from our inadequate search for freedom. Ironic to say the least. Learning to break free or let go of these is incredibly difficult. I've been told its possible so I choose to believe. However, I'm not there yet and I feel intense internal struggle in my efforts.

There is the saying, "Freedom isn't free". Something free means you don't have to give your own resources to obtain - its a gift, you simply accept. "Free" is for the recipient but not for the giver. Someone, somewhere always pays for the gift. For me to be free, someone paid a debt, someone died, someone took away my bondage penalty. My gratitude is indescribable - so why then is it at times so difficult to simply accept the freedom God gives? Do we not recognize the barriers we put up?

I think it may have to do with the nature of the gift. Some gifts are meant to stand the test of time while others are only for a season. While I'm thankful for every gift I receive, I'm learning to recognize those that are temporary and treasure those that are permanent. Holding on to things that are fleeting will keep me in a prison of sorts. True freedom lies in knowing what's truly valuable and cleaving to it. God only gives permanent, valuable gifts. I believe I've made the connection: My own will = bondage; God's will = freedom. The challenge is making my own will be the same as God's. The link is to fully grasp the concept of love and grace.

Romans 6:14 ~ Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

Galatians 5:13 ~ For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.

Haunted

Because I'm still in a state of emotional healing, sometimes I read things that hit me pretty hard. The following quote keeps replaying in my mind:

When left unresolved, the pain from our yesterdays can creep up in our todays and keep us from experiencing all God has for our tomorrows. (Renee Swope)

The more I rewind and replay this, the more I find little hurts from my childhood that are still haunting me today - though not in such an obvious way. I remember my preteen years thinking I needed to talk to someone - outside the family - someone neutral. I felt counseling was out of the question due to finances so I never asked and never sought help that I secretly longed for. Nothing drastic - just sadness and disappointment that were beginning to cloud my heart.

Then, as I got older, I began to see counseling as unnecessary. Surely I could handle just about anything life dealt me - I was a rational, reasonable young woman with my head on straight! And again - finances were in play. I'd much rather have a new outfit than pay for a counseling session. And again - the "I got this" attitude reigned supreme.

Now - many mistakes and many tears later - I am beginning to see that all that unresolved pain has been surfacing over the last several years and unfortunately, this time it isn't just affecting me. So much of it had been buried that as it came up, it not only covered me but spewed onto my innocent loved ones and likely cost me my marriage.

Funny how when we're sick we try to tough it out, but when it starts affecting our family, we go get help. So this tough girl finally did seek counseling and without it, I likely would have never had the aha moment that hit me today.

I have placed unrealistic expectations on those who love me. Why? Because years of disappointment and damaged emotion went untouched. I believe I expected my husband to be everything my father was lacking as a father to me and a husband to my mother. I created my own little version of happily ever after in my head and when reality didn't measure up, I began to blame my husband for that. As an adult when I finally began to repair my relationship with my father, he had a stroke which made that dream die and then caused me to put an unfair amount of pressure on my husband to be everything I had needed in my dad. It was an unconscious, unintentional but completely fatal error.

I know now what I should have done - beginning in those preteen years when I began to feel the pain of disappointment. I should have gone to my Heavenly Father and given my hurts to Him. I should have taken time to nurse my wounded emotions and learned that only God can heal those kinds of wounds. Self medication is completely useless for those kinds of scars. I needed to grasp the concept of forgiveness so I could release my feelings of anger, abandonment, disappointment and hurt. And lastly I now need to confess my sin of unrealistic expectation and let go of the idea that I have a right to "happily ever after". And I guess that is the purpose of this blog. Here it is, in black and white - an admission of my mistake and a quest for forgiveness.

I wouldn't expect a 13 year old girl to know what to do with damaged emotions so its not her I need to forgive. But I am now almost 40 and I know better than to bury the pain or cover up my mistakes. All I can do is go forward and try not make them again. I own my part in this and I am letting go of the blame for the part that others had. I've been given a clean slate and although it may get chalky from time to time, I've got a handy little eraser that can clean it up. I thank God for His ability to restore my clarity.

I've been hunting those skeletons in my closet for awhile now. Looks like I may have found them. With God's help, I believe I can chase them away and release the ghosts of my past into the infinite abyss where they will haunt me no more.

From now on, no more self-help remedies. No more "I got this" ideology. And no hurry on the healing. I will take my time, relying on His healing hand to get me through.

“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.” Psalm 18:6a

To Infinity and Beyond

Not often do I include a Facebook post in my blog - they are very different compartments in my brain - but today is special. Today marks an anniversary of sorts - 21 years ago that the most important relationship in my life was formed. On this day I met HB and for the last 21 years, he has been the center of my world. Even when I tried to oust him from that position, he remained - steady and true. So being the bold and courageous (or more so - impulsive) person that I am, I posted a status meant only for him:

~21 years ago today marked the beginning of a very good thing even if it has taken many twists and turns along the way. Not many friendships last a lifetime but this one stands the test of time and trial ♥ u :)

Our relationship has had definite peaks and valleys and we went through the lowest valley I've ever known a few months ago. However, we got through it and we are beginning to climb again. I'm not sure what rocks will be in our way as we climb or if we'll ever find the summit but one thing I know is that no matter how rocky it gets - we will always be connected. Its as if we are tied together by a safety cord that can't be broken. If one of us slips and falls the other one will fall too or the other one will hold steady and pull their partner up. Either way, we stay connected. I, for one, am blessed by this partnership and can't think of anyone else I'd rather climb mountains with. Our goal? The summit. Whether we get there or not is not my focus. I think most climbers would agree that you have to handle the journey one step at a time. Don't look too far forward and for sure, don't look back. AND most importantly - don't climb alone.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
⁹ Two are better than one because they have a good return for their hard work. ¹⁰ If either should fall, one can pick up the other. But how miserable are those who fall and don’t have a companion to help them up!

I think of this day as the birthday of our relationship. Happy Birthday HB.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

Sweeter

So - for a few weeks, I've been considering a question that should be simple to answer. It is one for which I know the reasons but have a difficult time putting them into words. The wording has been coming to me little by little but today it occurred to me that I'm making the question much more difficult than it really is. When singing with my womens ensemble in church, I realized - the song we were singing is the easiest, most accurate answer I can give. The song title? Sweeter.

Now for the question.....

Why do I go to church?

My struggle with this question was not really that the answer is complicated but more so with the questions that I could anticipate coming with it. I have had my own inner struggle over the fact that church is not always a wonderful place to be. I can't promise anyone that it will be a drama free zone. It is not always entertaining and the people there are not always pleasant. In fact, it can be the exact opposite at the times you need it to be your comfort. It is not perfect, nor will it ever be. I have known people that go to the bar at a certain time every week and meet with a specific group of people. In a way, that group has more comfort in it than any church group ever will - and I don't mean because of the alcohol. Many "happy hour" friends become closer than family. They build trust over time and have similar values in common. But I would venture to say it is rare for those friendships to stand the test of time. They are there for a season - while the bar scene fits your lifestyle or until your friend starts going to AA. (kidding.... but there is always that risk in a relationship of that nature)

I began to wonder as well if I go to church because I always have. I grew up going to church. Is it simply something my parents ingrained in me? While I do believe that is a small part of the reason, it is fractional at best. My brother is not a faithful church member and he was raised the same way I was. And I'm sure if I think for awhile, I can come up with many other traditions, habits or rituals my parents taught us that I did not continue as an adult. For instance - dressing up for holiday meals..... I prefer to spend most holidays in my pajamas :)

Do I attend church so my children will get a good religious/spirtual education? or even for free babysitting? That 2nd one was kind of a joke but I heard a lady talking to her friend in the dressing room at a clothing store yesterday and she remarked - I have 7 kids now (due to remarriage) - my kids go to church so I can have a little free time! Sad, but oh so true - and to some degree I think I'd be tempted to do the same if I had 7 kids! However, I don't have 7 kids. I have 2 really great low maintenance teenagers and lots of "me" time so that is not my reason for going to church either.

So why do I go? Why subject myself to the same old Bible stories I grew up hearing in Sunday School? Why go see the same old people every week? Why go sit a listen to a boring sermon? Why sing staunchy old hymns? And why above all else, do I want to associate myself with all those hypocrites???

And all I can say is that its just sweeter. Life is sweeter with a little spirituality mixed in. Religion has been around since the beginning of time. Its an institution that is rich in tradition and full of history. It nurtures my soul - even with the hypocrites mixed in. And the thing is - while outsiders may not really understand until they're a part, I think most of them see glimpses of this sweetness in most of us or they would not be curious. They like to throw out questions like the ones above to prove that living life their way is pretty sweet too - but I'd venture that deep down they are missing something. They have a void that just isn't filled by the world. They can't possibly know that those questions above are based on myths.

Can I promise they won't be bored? No - not every Sunday. Can I promise the music will be catchy and upbeat? No - not every Sunday. Can I promise that they won't encounter a few hypocrites? No - not ANY Sunday. What I can promise is that after attending for awhile, they will gain an understanding that we are all hypocrites, and that religion and spirituality may not always be fun and upbeat BUT that God loves us more than we could possibly comprehend and that He gave us church as a place of comfort and rest and friendship. Church is a place where we learn about His promises and come to know our family. It's like Cheers - where everybody knows your name - only better because it ties in more than our social need - it intertwines it with spirituality and teaches us about faith and grace.

So back to the simple answer. I go to church because life is sweeter that way. The lyrics below pretty much sum it up:

Everyday with you Lord, Is sweeter than the day before

Everyday with you Lord, Is sweeter than the day before

Every morning I will worship, Every evening I'll adore

'Cause every day with you is sweeter, sweeter than the day before.

It's also because of God's many promises. He is the only one who makes promises without conditions. He has made a new covenant with us. Unlike contracts that we enter into with people where the contract is broken by the failure of one party to adhere, God's covenants or contracts with us are in effect whether we hold to them or not. God holds to them regardless so His covenants only require the faithfulness of One. This passage pretty much sums it up in my mind:

Jeremiah 31:31-34

^31-32"That's right. The time is coming when I will make a brand-new covenant with Israel and Judah. It won't be a repeat of the covenant I made with their ancestors when I took their hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt. They broke that covenant even though I did my part as their Master." God's Decree.

^33-34"This is the brand-new covenant that I will make with Israel when the time comes. I will put my law within them—write it on their hearts!—and be their God. And they will be my people. They will no longer go around setting up schools to teach each other about God. They'll know me firsthand, the dull and the bright, the smart and the slow. I'll wipe the slate clean for each of them. I'll forget they ever sinned!" God's Decree.

Just as most of us gravitate toward the sweeter foods, so I gravitate toward the sweeter life with God. And if you have salty taste buds instead of sweet - Jesus just happens to be that too - "Salt of the earth". His love gives the right seasoning at the right time and He taylor makes it to suit your particular taste or craving. In my mind that's just SUH-WEEEEEET !!!!

Grounded

I'm afraid I've been grounded. Perhaps this is a punishment of sorts - not that I've been out of line necessarily but that I've been needing time to retreat and find my perspective. I've tried to write a few times but it seems that my blogs have lacked a certain flow or rhythm so I have not posted any of them. I've had too much on my mind and I think that shows when I sit down to write. I can't categorize my thoughts into a logical essay.

My sanity has been saved by random Bible verses that come my way. Today I received the following:

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening — it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)


I'm still in the midst of the disciplinary process. It's not as painful as it was when it started and things are beginning to level out, but yet there is still an occasional sting and agonizing ache present on random occasions. I would imagine that it is much like losing a limb. I've been told that when you lose an arm or leg, you can still feel it in a way - phantom sensation or phantom pain. I'm not sure how long this lasts, but I guess eventually you either get used to it or quit feeling it.

The verse above gives me quite a bit of hope. For the last few months, I've been craving peace. The script above promises that. Some day I will be at peace with this particular circumstance I'm dealing with now. Some day, I will be stronger because of it. Some day, perhaps, I can help someone else through it.

When I discipline my own children or force a "time out" upon them, it is to shape them, mold them or make them think about what is best. I remove distraction from them so that all they have is their thoughts. I never see this grounding period as a very lengthy time, but from their perspective it may seem like forever. I am now in their shoes - this grounding period is taking much longer than I feel I want or need it to. But - I guess you can't hurry healing. It happens on its own time and I just need to realize that I am under God's protection while it ensues.

He is trying to give me a peaceful harvest. It is up to me to be patient and .... "Be still and know that He is God."

Remote Control

I have written about my inner control freak on many occasions but because I'm working on evicting that part of my personality I came to a very poignant revelation. God is most definitely a man.

Why?

Just as every man must have possession of the remote control, so must God.

And silly me, I've been trying to wrestle Him for it! Thing is, I really don't even need or want the remote. He has enabled me to get up and change the channel myself if I really want to BUT he also can change it back as soon as I sit down. God's will is done whether we like it or not. He can turn up the volume, change our channel and even program our DVR.

I am here for His viewing pleasure and at any point in time, if my programming does not please Him - He may decide to channel surf for awhile. Good thing His remote allows for viewing of all our stations. I know He wouldn't want to miss even one episode of our daily soap opera lives.

I don't need the remote control. I only want to watch God's network. I want His programming to be mirrored in me - to be God's sister station. So I'm handing the remote back to Him and letting Him choose the volume, the channel and even what gets put on my DVR.

Up in the Air.....

I haven't written in awhile - not for lack of things to say but more because I have so many things running through my mind that I am having trouble categorizing my thoughts. Emotions are once again at high alert.

I think its no coincidence that the storms brewing on the east coast coincide with the clouds hovering over my thoughts.

Two job interviews and other 'possibilities' will raise hopes a bit - but when one opportunity is shattered and the other is looking ominous, the doubts begin to creep in.

Thing is, the old me would have just let the emotion rise and let common sense fly out the window. The old me would have let the fleshy side of me take over and handle it all. by. myself. That girl had to have control. That girl didn't know that dependence is a very good thing.

This girl -( though admittedly tried initially to revert back to old patterns )- has learned that hope should not be in earthly possibilites or people. When things are up in the air, my hope is also "up in the air" but not in the way that sounds. It has nothing to do with uncertainty but everything to do with trust. Life is not for me to handle on my own but for me to give to God and trust that He will take care of me and my future. This time around, when disappointment struck, I went to Him and gave control back. He knows my anxiety but He also knows my long term needs and desires. This time, instead of acting - I am letting Him do it.

Does it mean that the disappointment doesn't still sting? Not at all. I'm also feeling very defeated. But just as a storm eventually subsides, so will the pain of rejection. It's just my time to weather the storm and be ready to repair the damage it leaves behind.

And thankfully - the sun eventually comes out after a storm. Max Lucado (wow, he's good) said it well - "Christ lived the life we could not live and took the punishment we could not take to offer the hope we cannot resist." My hope is up in the air and that is where I will strive to keep it.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ----Jeremiah 29:11

"THAT" Guy

I am often disppointed in people. One of my biggest flaws is my tendency to project how I would handle a situation onto someone else.... It is my "golden rule" ethic that is a good thing for me but not so good when I expect others to think and feel like I do. I often have to step back and reprimand myself for unrealistic expectations. There is always more than one acceptable way to do something or interact with others. The problem here is that I am relying on people to meet my needs when in actuality it is just not their job.

So I was gently reminded this week of a promise:

and my God shall supply all your need, according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus; Phil 4:19

ALL my needs? If that is true, God is my ONLY need. He is THAT guy.... He is the one that never disappoints, always loves, literally moves Heaven and Earth - just. for. me.

So when I stop and consider all that life may throw at me, is God enough? That is really the only question I have when a tough sitution arises....

When my job is uncertain - Is God Enough?
When I have a falling out with a friend - Is God Enough?
When my child is sick and hurting - Is God Enough?
When my marriage fails - Is God Enough?
When someone dear to me experiences tragedy - Is God Enough?
When there are more bills than my bank balance - Is God Enough?
When my child hates me - Is God Enough?
When I battle my autoimmune disease -Is God Enough?
When I can't please my clients - Is God Enough?
When others don't recognize my value - Is God Enough?
When I feel completely alone - Is God Enough?

The answer is always a good solid - yes. Any worldly alternative is fleeting. There are no guarantees in this world but God is forever infinite and almighty. He has ALWAYS supplied my needs - most often without me asking and He is always there, even without me seeking.

Matthew 6:28-30
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

He is THAT guy and yes, He IS enough!

Rivers in the badlands

I am trying very hard to take in the scenery of this life journey I'm on and for the most part, I think that I have enjoyed each phase of my life. But I have to say the road I've traveled over the last year has been one of the most treacherous I've come across. I have been in what some refer to as the badlands or desert which is somewhat fitting considering a milestone birthday is fast approaching.

While sitting in the doctor's office, I overheard a 14 year old girl tell her 5 year old brother - "Don't ever grow up, stay a kid forever. The older you get, the harder life is." It took every bit of restraint that I had not to tell her how she had NO idea.... But obviously she gets it. Good for her! Maybe that awareness will help her prepare for the battles that lie ahead in her future. I almost wish I had adopted that attitude in my youth. But then, probably nothing could have prepared me for the direction my life has taken. Rose colored glasses are nice, but when reality slaps you in the face, you find those rose colored glasses did nothing but skew the vision.

However, God uses our attitudes to His advantage no matter what the situation. My rose colored glasses were shattered long ago and would have been no good in the desert. My soul is now parched and I long for living water. How tempting it is to try to turn around and go back - but I'm afraid that is just not possible. The verses I'm finding around every corner in my search for water tell me not to look back but to keep going forward. The water is starting to trickle in... My tears have become the aquifer for my river in the badlands. And through those tears I'm beginning to see that it is precisely that river forming that will lead me out of the desert and to something brand new.

Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43.18-19

When we find ourselves in the desert, we are often there alone - or so it feels. That is the time that its easiest to reach out to God. He wants that from us, craves that from us. Those are the times we see just one set of footprints in the sand because He carries us through. He carries us till He makes that road or creates that river to help us find our own way out. Max Lucado said it best in Facing Your Giants - You'll never know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.. Its hard to understand why it takes a tragedy to bring us to Him, but sometimes that is the only way He gets our attention. These times of trial are a blessing waiting to happen. Which always brings me back to Isaiah 55:8 - For My Thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are My ways your ways declares the Lord. I for one am grateful for that because my ways tend to lead me back to the desert and I don't think I really want to visit the badlands EVER again.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Why do bad things happen to good people? This has been asked by all and is one I'm sure God gets tired of us asking. It's almost like the cries of our impatient children when we are on road trip - "Are we there yet?" Just like the parent who is driving knows his destination, God knows why. Just as the child needs to trust the parent to get them there in time, we should trust God's reason is valid. We don't need to know why, we just need to trust in Him.

Easy to say, not so easy to do. When hard times hit, we never understand why. Sometimes we never get to know why. But often, over time, God reveals to us ways to learn from the tragedy we've faced or brings to light good things that have come from it. Job 12:13 says "True wisdom and real power belong to God; from Him we learn how to live and also what to live for."

I know that when I am upset or hurting over something in my life, I often act out in ways I should not. It's easy to try to blame God or someone else for our pain. It's natural to play the victim and feel abandoned. Even Job, who was considered a good man began to feel sorry for himself and felt like God had left him. And Job had friends who had no idea how to comfort or give Godly perspective. They fueled his fire. But there was one friend who gently reminded Job of God's incomprehensible power and purpose. Then Job realized where he had gone wrong in his suffering and confessed. God forgave of course, but He also provided. When Job finally humbled himself enough to rest in divine peace, God began to bless him again. God restored his wealth and family to prosperity like he had never known before.

No matter whether our bad things that happen are small or whether they are bigger than mountains, God understands our pain and knows we will act out. He expects it. But He also provides opportunities for us to recognize what we are doing and run back to Him. When we do that and give Him our pain and struggle, He uses our experience to shape and mold us and those around us according to His plan and purpose. We don't know His plans but if we trust Him, He will richly bless our lives.

So,difficult as it may be, I am choosing to be thankful for my times of adversity. This is what is shaping me into the person God wants me to be. It's more difficult when I see my loved ones go through strife, but I hope that I can be the friend who encourages and gently reminds of God's ever loving power. I *do* trust Him.... He is always there and always ready to catch me when I fall.

"Do you have any idea how powerful God is? Have you ever heard of a teacher like him? Has anyone ever had to tell him what to do, or correct him, saying, 'You did that all wrong!'? Remember, then, to praise his workmanship, which is so often celebrated in song. http://bible.us/Job36.22.MSG

Weak

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness ~2 Corinthians 12:9a

Weakness comes in many forms. We have weak bodies, weak minds, moments of weakness, weak attitudes, weak paychecks....and the list goes on. It is generally seen as a negative. Nobody wants to appear weak. We are often told "Be strong" - but really... is that really what we want? I know many fake it. Fake it till you make it. But I think I'm having none of that. I can't fake it any more and I don't want to. I want reality and I want it even if it slaps me around sometimes.

If the above verse is as it reads.... we experience God's power when we are weak. When you think of all the miracles Jesus performed, that kinda backs up the verse. The disciples witnessed God's power, yes but only when they were weak did they experience it. Those who experienced it were the ones who were formerly weak - the blind, the ill, the lame, the poor and the ones like me with personal demons that haunted them. We may not see God's power in front of our eyes today as we did in Bible stories, but it is still alive and well. It is in the gift of His grace. That gift is there - beautifully wrapped and waiting for us to open and receive. We don't really even have to ask, just accept.

Micca Campbell said it well when she said this:
The world's philosophy says what can't be cured must be endured. But actually what can't be cured makes us dependent on the power of God. In that dependency His power is given and we are made strong. I've come to learn this truth myself. God doesn't always remove me from my painful circumstances, but He supports me in them. This strengthens me like none other.

So for now, I choose weakness. I can't fake it anyway and I'd much rather gain strength in God rather than doing it all myself. He wants to carry my burdens for me. I think I will let Him do that until He gives me the strength to bear them myself.

Tears from Heaven

Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
and don't go back until they've watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They'll do the work I sent them to do,
they'll complete the assignment I gave them. (Isaiah 55:10-11)

Last summer I had two flower pots by my front door filled with the most beautiful, vibrant red geraniums. They were dutifully watered and cared for but still began to wilt and lose color. Upon further inspection I began to realize the pots did not have holes so the water could leak out. I loved the pots and did not want to have to replant the flowers so holes were drilled into the bottom so the excess could drain away. It was only a few days before the flowers perked up and regained their vibrant hue once more.

After thinking about this and reading the scripture above, I have begun to realize that I was filling up with water and had no holes for far too long. God loves the vessel that is me and has a purpose for me right where I am. He saw me wilting and losing my color, so I think he placed this huge hole in my heart so that the excess fluid would drain away. That is where I am now. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have the last few weeks of my life. I'm still in the draining process. My tears are to my soul as the rain from heaven is to the earth. My tears are helping me grow and blossom, producing seeds of experience providing the food of wisdom for those I may interact with in the future. Just as God has a purpose for the rain, He has a purpose for these tears.

I long to have the full, rich, vibrant blooms of a healthy flower. So for now, I will embrace these tears and trust God to drain the unhealthy buildup out of my heart.

Air

I came across an old favorite of mine tonight. No, I don't listen to classical music often but the song Air by Bach was randomly packaged on my new tablet device. As I listened I began to realize that this is a beautiful work of art that I have been in love with since my youth. I had simply forgotten just how moving it really is.

Then, as I listened, I began to mourn again. This time, however, that mourning took on a whole new meaning. Just as that song is treasured in my heart, so will be my love of 21 years.

Once upon a time, I played that song on horn and I played it so well that I got a perfect rating at contest. How and why was I able to play it so well? Because I felt it with all my heart. Now I know those feelings are not gone but i neglected to nurture them and hence lost the passion I once had for this kind of music. I neglected to practice and work because I got burned out and then made room for other things in my life.

To hear it again is bittersweet.

I see now that is what has happened in my marriage. Not just on my side, but his as well. The music will forever be with us as will be the sentiment, but we have moved in different directions. We will continue to cross paths but will have forgotten the melody. However, there will be times when the song plays randomly and loudly in our hearts. And I know that when that happens I will not be able to resist savoring every note.

Our marriage was made of sweet music. It just got overplayed. I will never regret the practice time for it gave me a gift I will have forever. Likely it will never get played again, but that doesn't mean that I won't listen often and hum along.

Love? what is that?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13

This is a passage most of us have read - if only at weddings. It is very commonly used because it melts our hearts. The poetic, sentimental phrasing of the words here elicit fond emotion because it is what we all long for. But is it something we all do?

I have always felt it easy for me to love others and I could define the ways that I do that here. But this morning, this passage hit me in a different light. At first glance I read the words and think it is a description of just how love works, easy - just like me. But then I think of those who hurt me - those who do not understand this passage at all. And as I was taking inventory of the many hurts in my life, I began to realize that honestly, I don't understand it either.

Love would not take inventory of past hurts.

I am sure I could list more ways I have missed the mark on this topic but thats not the direction I want to take. It really doesn't matter at this point and it doesn't help me to dwell on past mistakes or misunderstandings. All I can do is go forward and begin to learn how to truly understand the concept of love.

It is somewhat frustrating to me however because I don't believe that any of us can truly understand the complexity of this word. I am also beginning to think that none of us are even truly capable of loving others. We don't really even love ourselves so how in the world can we love someone else the way should?

My answer at this time in my life? Let God do it. When something is too big to handle or too hard for me to understand, there is really no other option. I absolutely can't love anyone.... unless I let God love me.

If you don't let someone love you, eventually you are replaced. That is human nature. And even though I know God will love me regardless of if I let Him - I can't truly experience love of any kind if I don't let Him in. Love is reciprocal - you have to give it to get it. God has this wonderful gift for me but if I don't unwrap it, I'll never know how truly precious it is. His idea of reciprocation is not to give something back to Him, but to pay it forward.

Because I am human, I will never fully grasp what love means. God knows this. He doesn't ask me to understand it. He just wants to be able to use me to show HIS love. The more I do this, the better my comprehension will be and my life will begin to reflect His love so others may gain some understanding as well. I am truly humbled by this challenge.

..... Faith, hope and love abide, but the greatest of these is love.

The Good Life?

Dealing with alot this week. The hurt goes too deep even for me to write about. So I distract myself with books and the following comes from a paragraph in the book Crazy Love and quoted by David Goetz:

Too much of the good life ends up being toxic, deforming us spiritually. A lot of things are good by themselves, but all of it together keeps us from living healthy, fruitful lives for God.

This just stuck in my head this morning. I think that I was raised in the good life, grew up expecting the good life, and left my marriage expecting the good life to be even better. It has become toxic to me. And whether anyone agrees with me or my decision is really not my concern. My concern should be with what God thinks of me. God knows my heart. God knows my intent. And though I'm very much still distracted by the world, He knows I am still making effort to get the good life out of my system and get the GOD life back in.

I am also studying the life of David. God called him a man after his own heart. I relate SO well to David. He was such a screw up - as am I - but look how God used him! God knew his heart and I believe my heart is very similar even if marred and torn. God will take my heart, heal it and use me like He used David if only I will shift my focus away from that habitual good life I so love.

1 Samuel 16:7
God does not see people the same way people see. People look at the outside of a person, but the Lord looks at the heart.

I plan on holding firm to the verse above.

Blue...

So most of this blog will be copied and pasted but I want to refer back to it because the info is useful to me. I just took a personality test and it is amazingly accurate. I am blue - not in that I'm depressed or melancholy but that is my personality color. TRUE BLUE! The description is pretty much spot on:

Congratulations, Amy, you are a BLUE personality.[I happen to love that it says congratulations :)] The Core Motivation that drives you through life is "Intimacy". It is important to note that this does not mean sexual intimacy. BLUES need connection - the sharing of rich, deep emotions that bind people together. As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life.

BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. As a BLUE, you love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others.

BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. You enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with your partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries).

There is much, much more to the whole color code theory but it is really eye opening. It helps me see what I want going forward. A friend also shared this with me today and it really makes sense:

1. Spiritual chemistry creates love
2. Conversational chemistry creates communication.
3. Emotional chemistry generates affection
4. Intellectual chemistry creates interest
5. Physical chemistry generates desire

So - as I mull over the thought of venturing out into the dating world, I have written these things down and intend to read them daily. Is it possible to find all of these in one person? I guess only time will tell.

Journey

I have begun to realize that our lives are a seemingly neverending journey. Eventually we get to our destination but we are not clued in to the timing on that. We have nice rest stops along the way but between those, we have no idea what kind of road or weather conditions we will run into.

One of my biggest mistakes in life is that I have failed to realize the destination.

I have been wandering around aimlessly - searching - for who knows what! What a waste of precious time. It has done nothing but frustrate me, wear me down and tear me up. And all the while I've had the roadmap in my possession but was too stubborn to look at it.

It is a very detailed map but not as difficult as I once thought. The directions are clear but I have to be open to taking them. I see the beautiful picture of my destination fully knowing that the picture is not even a fraction of how wonderful that place truly is. I long to get there.

The road ahead is as long as the road I've been traveling, but now that I have the picture it seems so much more worthwhile.

So I will continue on with all the unknown weather conditions and road hazards ahead, savor each sweet rest stop in between and try my best to keep that road map within my grip.

I just very much don't want to be alone in his journey. I know I have the ultimate Navigator but I want YOU to come with me as well.

THAT guy!

I am so newly single that I'm sure I really don't get it yet, but part of the process is coming to terms with my new status. Although I'm not ready to date, the freedom is still there so its always in the back of my mind. My feeling is that its best to know what I'm looking for before I put myself out there and I find that I still go back to those unrealistic fairy tale expectations. That in and of itself is a pretty big red flag that I'm definitely not ready. In entertaining that thought however, I keep wishing for that one man that would be willing to move heaven and earth to be with me. Tonight I was feeling rather down because in my heart of hearts I know there is no man that could fulfill that dream.

You know what God said about that? He reminded me that He IS that guy! There truly is no man who can be everything I want. There is no man or woman here on earth that will never let me down. But I have God and He is always here - always ready to hold me - always excited to see me - always available when I need Him - AND He already moves Heaven and Earth...just for ME :) Ok - and you too. That's whats great about Him - He is all that to everyone, not just me and it makes me want to fall in love with Him all the more.

So once again, after a very trying day - full of anger and tears - God pulls me close and comforts me. It's the gentle way he shows me that my focus is wrong and softly turns my head back the direction it needs to go. My goal is not to lean on men, but to lean on Him. My thoughts may keep wandering, but somehow, some way - my father steers me back to the right path. Even when it all seems hopeless, He shows me my hope is in Him. When I finally am able to know this on my own - then He will give me just what I need. Until then, this painstaking process is the only way I can learn that it's actually through dependence that we find freedom. Independence may seem to signify strength but that is only man's view - for it actually creates bondage to self. When we give that up, then we find the peace we were yearning for.

As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:5