So I've been rather melancholy which is typical for me this time of year. I think I tend to dwell on the disappointments in life rather than the joys. I am at a point where I often feel let down that certain aspects of life have not met my expectations. Perhaps my expectations were too high to begin with.
I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions and I don't intent to this year. I am a continuous work in progress as it is and if I set the bar too high and fail, then I suffer huge set backs. However - I am going to live by a new principle of life.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
The source of my biggest disappointment and frustration in life has been failed relatonships and/or lost friendships. I realize that sharing a closeness with someone is often temporary and that some friendships must fade in order to foster new ones. Some relationships are toxic and must be terminated. But instead of letting bitterness or regret take hold in my life, I am choosing to remember each and every loved one with fondness - no matter what the circumstances of the failed relationship were. That doesn't mean I need to fall into old patterns - it just means that I am free to love them from a distance. I will choose to remember the good and forget the bad.
And my new relationhips.... I need not fear the end even though I am well aware that some will fade away. I'm going to smile because it is happening and not worry about it being over. I am richly blessed and know God brings people into my life for a reason and in His timing and will trust Him to nurture and develop those relationships that are worthwhile.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Gift
From The Message Bible:
4 -5If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift.
Gifts are not earned. Gifts are given just because someone loves you. Sometimes they are easy to accept, sometimes not. It's much easier when you are giving a gift in return - then it feels more balanced or fair. It's actually easier to be the gift giver in my opinion. I love it when I find what I know is going to be the pefect gift for someone!
God is the ultimate gift giver. There is no way we can truly reciprocate. He never asks us to either. All He asks is for us to accept His gift! Yet we often seem to have a problem with that....
Life deals us some complicated issues. We think we've got a grasp until something comes up that completely baffles us. Even then, many times we try to conquer it on our own. But life is not a project at work. We do not earn wages for living. God does not give us a salary for good deeds or absence of sin. Everything He does for us is pure gift. All He asks for is faith. His gift is His ability to do the job called life for us. He knows its a job too big for us to handle on our own.
I definitely have some jobs I can't do on my own. I think its time I accept His gift. I realize His gift may take some unusal forms but I'm keeping an open mind. I can't wait to unwrap the next present He sends my way.
One more thought:
6 -9David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man:
Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off,
whose sins are wiped clean from the slate.
Fortunate the person against
whom the Lord does not keep score. Do you think for a minute that this blessing is only pronounced over those of us who keep our religious ways and are circumcised? Or do you think it possible that the blessing could be given to those who never even heard of our ways, who were never brought up in the disciplines of God? We all agree, don't we, that it was by embracing what God did for him that Abraham was declared fit before God?
Apparently I am not the only gift recipient! How amazing is that? God wants to share the wealth with ALL of us - sinful or not! He does not keep score... love that. Zero pressure. Take it or leave it. I'm taking!
4 -5If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift.
Gifts are not earned. Gifts are given just because someone loves you. Sometimes they are easy to accept, sometimes not. It's much easier when you are giving a gift in return - then it feels more balanced or fair. It's actually easier to be the gift giver in my opinion. I love it when I find what I know is going to be the pefect gift for someone!
God is the ultimate gift giver. There is no way we can truly reciprocate. He never asks us to either. All He asks is for us to accept His gift! Yet we often seem to have a problem with that....
Life deals us some complicated issues. We think we've got a grasp until something comes up that completely baffles us. Even then, many times we try to conquer it on our own. But life is not a project at work. We do not earn wages for living. God does not give us a salary for good deeds or absence of sin. Everything He does for us is pure gift. All He asks for is faith. His gift is His ability to do the job called life for us. He knows its a job too big for us to handle on our own.
I definitely have some jobs I can't do on my own. I think its time I accept His gift. I realize His gift may take some unusal forms but I'm keeping an open mind. I can't wait to unwrap the next present He sends my way.
One more thought:
6 -9David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man:
Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off,
whose sins are wiped clean from the slate.
Fortunate the person against
whom the Lord does not keep score. Do you think for a minute that this blessing is only pronounced over those of us who keep our religious ways and are circumcised? Or do you think it possible that the blessing could be given to those who never even heard of our ways, who were never brought up in the disciplines of God? We all agree, don't we, that it was by embracing what God did for him that Abraham was declared fit before God?
Apparently I am not the only gift recipient! How amazing is that? God wants to share the wealth with ALL of us - sinful or not! He does not keep score... love that. Zero pressure. Take it or leave it. I'm taking!
Monday, December 27, 2010
39.
I am now 39 years young. or old - depending on how you want to see it. To me, it matters not. It is what it is. 39 may be the new 27 or it may be exactly 39. I really don't care. All I know is that I get older, the more at peace I am with myself. I've always liked me....to a degree. But I've always let comparisons get in the way of accepting myself the way God made me. He is the ultimate artist and he created me the way He wanted me - not the way *I* want me!
Some of this is within my control - yes. I need to keep my body healthy and not trash it up with junky stuff and slothfulness. I definitely learned why after the 10 months I spent on a strict eating plan and exercise regimen. I was successful in reaching a healthy weight and getting back in shape as well as getting my blood pressure and other health concerns in check. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm no athlete and wasn't made to be. I was blessed with an auto-immune disease early on in life and I don't believe that I live with this disease just because of genetics. It serves a purpose in my life and I am actually quite ok with the struggles it brings to me. It is no bed of roses, but it could be worse and I believe I learn alot about myself with each hurdle I face.
Now - shall we tackle vanity? Who doesn't struggle with this at least a little? I'm a girl.... I want to look good! And yes - at times I think I'm the one they're singing about in that song "You're so vain". Aren't I at the center of your world? I will also admit I've done some rather painful procedures all in the name of beauty... but I don't regret those either. Ok - well yeah - maybe the money could have been better spent on someone in need but those things have also made enough of a mark on my self esteem that I am more able to put myself out there and be there for someone in need - or less afraid to talk to someone who might otherwise intimidate me.
Don't get me wrong. I will always have gripes about my body or the aging process in general but I have come so far compared to how insecure I was 5 years ago. I like the new me (which is actually the old me that was hiding behind about 3 layers of fat). I like being 39. And I have no fear about the years to come. I don't intend to cover my grey when it appears (although my friend Becky does not believe me). I may even have to find one of those tacky vanity tags that reads "Sexy Grandma" when the time comes.... ha! NOT :)
Some of this is within my control - yes. I need to keep my body healthy and not trash it up with junky stuff and slothfulness. I definitely learned why after the 10 months I spent on a strict eating plan and exercise regimen. I was successful in reaching a healthy weight and getting back in shape as well as getting my blood pressure and other health concerns in check. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm no athlete and wasn't made to be. I was blessed with an auto-immune disease early on in life and I don't believe that I live with this disease just because of genetics. It serves a purpose in my life and I am actually quite ok with the struggles it brings to me. It is no bed of roses, but it could be worse and I believe I learn alot about myself with each hurdle I face.
Now - shall we tackle vanity? Who doesn't struggle with this at least a little? I'm a girl.... I want to look good! And yes - at times I think I'm the one they're singing about in that song "You're so vain". Aren't I at the center of your world? I will also admit I've done some rather painful procedures all in the name of beauty... but I don't regret those either. Ok - well yeah - maybe the money could have been better spent on someone in need but those things have also made enough of a mark on my self esteem that I am more able to put myself out there and be there for someone in need - or less afraid to talk to someone who might otherwise intimidate me.
Don't get me wrong. I will always have gripes about my body or the aging process in general but I have come so far compared to how insecure I was 5 years ago. I like the new me (which is actually the old me that was hiding behind about 3 layers of fat). I like being 39. And I have no fear about the years to come. I don't intend to cover my grey when it appears (although my friend Becky does not believe me). I may even have to find one of those tacky vanity tags that reads "Sexy Grandma" when the time comes.... ha! NOT :)
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I love you.
As this holiday is centered around God's love for us, I too am reflecting on love. Love is the single most important job God gave us on this earth. However, I am often confused by it. It sparks such a rainbow of emotion. It can create feelings of euphoria, happiness, completeness.... But it can also cause feelings of pain, hurt, uncertainty. It is more than a feeling. It is also an action. Love may be the single most complex word in the English vocabulary. If I was a scholar, I would study it in different languages to try to get to the root meaning - but I have not the time nor the energy for that. I am perplexed enough as it is!
Love is a noun. Love is a verb. One you choose, one just happens. Love the noun is typically a feeling. It is delightful when it happens - a beautiful gift from God. I don't think you can make this happen - it just does. It's a random, unplanned emtion that just overcomes you. Sometimes it lasts forever and sometimes it dies. So when it dies, what do you do with it? Do you bury it and move on? Or do you give it CPR and try to revive it? I think most would say the latter. Then when you do that, love becomes a verb. Then, it is a choice. You choose love because reviving it is such incredibly hard work, you have to really want it to work for it.
Sometimes love the noun doesn't just randomly occur - we have to create it. This is especially true when we love those we don't really know. Sometimes when we choose to create this love, then we get to know the person - we begin to like the person and before long, the love turns into the noun form or deep intense feeling for the object of our affection.
So what happens when love the noun and love the verb conflict with each other? That one I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. But yet... it happens. More often than we care to admit.
Here is an anonymous quote I came across today:
“There is no remedy for love but to love more. ”
I have to admit I am a love junkie. Love comes incredibly easy for me but I also have a hard time reviving it when it dies. I pray I find the strength and skills to do this and succeed, but for now it is a work in progress. I think I know what I need to do but yet I feel powerless to do it. Maybe because love the noun is still very much a mental block to my progress.
One more quote to consider:
“Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.”
Due to the complexity of the word, I'm not sure it's always best to say it out loud but yet I so often want to. I suppose this is my safe haven to do so - for if you are reading this blog, you are likely one of those for whom I experience love.... both in noun and verb form.
Love is a noun. Love is a verb. One you choose, one just happens. Love the noun is typically a feeling. It is delightful when it happens - a beautiful gift from God. I don't think you can make this happen - it just does. It's a random, unplanned emtion that just overcomes you. Sometimes it lasts forever and sometimes it dies. So when it dies, what do you do with it? Do you bury it and move on? Or do you give it CPR and try to revive it? I think most would say the latter. Then when you do that, love becomes a verb. Then, it is a choice. You choose love because reviving it is such incredibly hard work, you have to really want it to work for it.
Sometimes love the noun doesn't just randomly occur - we have to create it. This is especially true when we love those we don't really know. Sometimes when we choose to create this love, then we get to know the person - we begin to like the person and before long, the love turns into the noun form or deep intense feeling for the object of our affection.
So what happens when love the noun and love the verb conflict with each other? That one I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. But yet... it happens. More often than we care to admit.
Here is an anonymous quote I came across today:
“There is no remedy for love but to love more. ”
I have to admit I am a love junkie. Love comes incredibly easy for me but I also have a hard time reviving it when it dies. I pray I find the strength and skills to do this and succeed, but for now it is a work in progress. I think I know what I need to do but yet I feel powerless to do it. Maybe because love the noun is still very much a mental block to my progress.
One more quote to consider:
“Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.”
Due to the complexity of the word, I'm not sure it's always best to say it out loud but yet I so often want to. I suppose this is my safe haven to do so - for if you are reading this blog, you are likely one of those for whom I experience love.... both in noun and verb form.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Melancholy Christmas
It's not necessarily a bad thing, I've decided, that every year at Christmas I become a bit melancholy. Christmas is a celebration - yes - but it's also a time of reflection for me I think. To some degree, it's kind of a let-down.... we spend so much time, energy and money in preparation to have it over with in less than a day most times. Perhaps my focus is wrong. Perhaps I'm too distracted with other issues. Perhaps my expectations are way too high. Whatever the cause, I find myself a little blue.
This year, I look at the 39 years that are behind me and I wonder - is this all there is? And then I feel extremely selfish and ungrateful for all I've been given. I am so richly blessed but why is it not enough? What is it that I'm looking for? What do I really want? Where is that little thing called contentment?
I find it very sad that my extended family has somewhat parted ways. I am no longer in touch with my cousins, aunts and uncles like we were so long ago. I basically see them at funerals. We make promises to stay in touch and get together but we never do. My own brother is often too busy to fit in quality time with my children. My mother tries.... But often falls short of my hopes. I just don't get how a group that was once so close knit, can be so distant now.
But look at all I have now! 2 beautiful, smart and talented children and a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. I have a great job that spoils me by letting me stay home almost every day. We live in a sweet little town full of wonderful friends who take good care of each other. Our church... could not be better!
In just a few minutes, I will go to church for our Christmas Eve service. I will sing some Christmas carols and hear beautiful music with an inspiring message from our pastor. I will pray and have communion. Maybe God is telling me something and maybe I just have seasonal mood disorder. All I know is I hope to find peace at some point. I am choosing joy at the moment so peace must follow.
Melancholy moments are necessary I think. Christmas is not such a bad time to have them. They spark introspection and foster change. With a new year around the corner, maybe this is exactly what I need.
This year, I look at the 39 years that are behind me and I wonder - is this all there is? And then I feel extremely selfish and ungrateful for all I've been given. I am so richly blessed but why is it not enough? What is it that I'm looking for? What do I really want? Where is that little thing called contentment?
I find it very sad that my extended family has somewhat parted ways. I am no longer in touch with my cousins, aunts and uncles like we were so long ago. I basically see them at funerals. We make promises to stay in touch and get together but we never do. My own brother is often too busy to fit in quality time with my children. My mother tries.... But often falls short of my hopes. I just don't get how a group that was once so close knit, can be so distant now.
But look at all I have now! 2 beautiful, smart and talented children and a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. I have a great job that spoils me by letting me stay home almost every day. We live in a sweet little town full of wonderful friends who take good care of each other. Our church... could not be better!
In just a few minutes, I will go to church for our Christmas Eve service. I will sing some Christmas carols and hear beautiful music with an inspiring message from our pastor. I will pray and have communion. Maybe God is telling me something and maybe I just have seasonal mood disorder. All I know is I hope to find peace at some point. I am choosing joy at the moment so peace must follow.
Melancholy moments are necessary I think. Christmas is not such a bad time to have them. They spark introspection and foster change. With a new year around the corner, maybe this is exactly what I need.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Count it all joy....
A phrase from our Christmas cantata.... "Joy is like a flower, burning in the soul"
For some reason - that is stuck in my mind. The flower part, I like. Why it is "burning" in the soul...doesn't make much sense so I'm going to go with the flower part. As may be obvious from my previous blogs, I struggle with finding true joy and contentment in my life. I am beyond blessed so don't go thinking that I'm not truly thankful for everything I've been given. I am so very grateful and I have no problem expressing this to the One who is responsible. However - my greedy little self keeps wanting just a tad. bit. more. Or maybe notsomuch MORE as maybe something different. I would liken to this to my childhood - opening gifts from grandma - and my cousin and I get matching sweaters only hers is pink and mine is blue. Hey! Maybe I wanted the pink one! (that's just an example - I can't recall ever getting matching sweaters - but you catch my drift)
So - I've been studying those people who seem to have true joy in their lives. That has been extremely frustrating to me because I just don't relate! Tonight it dawned on me that I've been studying the wrong people. Tonight, I spent time with one who is the opposite. Debbie Downer. You know the type - nothing is ever enough, nothing good ever happens, always tired or sick, always looking from the outside in - wanting more, wanting better, wanting the greener grass from the other side of the street. And then I thought of the flower....the joy flower. She forgot to water and feed her flower! It has been so neglected that it finally uprooted and died. NEVER will she get it back. Oh sure, someone might be able to come along and plant some new joy flower seeds in her heart - and I pray that happens. But the one she currently carries in her soul might as well be so dead that it is now decomposed.
My joy flower may not be thriving but it's certainly not dead yet. I'm stocking up on some plant food and water and I'm going to nurse it back to health. It will take effort daily - lots and lots of SONshine - and maybe even some conversation. They say when you talk to plants they thrive - so why not talk to the soul to increase the size of our joy? I certainly won't let my joy flower die - and maybe, just maybe I can grow it so big that I will be able to transplant a little of MY joy to someone else.
For some reason - that is stuck in my mind. The flower part, I like. Why it is "burning" in the soul...doesn't make much sense so I'm going to go with the flower part. As may be obvious from my previous blogs, I struggle with finding true joy and contentment in my life. I am beyond blessed so don't go thinking that I'm not truly thankful for everything I've been given. I am so very grateful and I have no problem expressing this to the One who is responsible. However - my greedy little self keeps wanting just a tad. bit. more. Or maybe notsomuch MORE as maybe something different. I would liken to this to my childhood - opening gifts from grandma - and my cousin and I get matching sweaters only hers is pink and mine is blue. Hey! Maybe I wanted the pink one! (that's just an example - I can't recall ever getting matching sweaters - but you catch my drift)
So - I've been studying those people who seem to have true joy in their lives. That has been extremely frustrating to me because I just don't relate! Tonight it dawned on me that I've been studying the wrong people. Tonight, I spent time with one who is the opposite. Debbie Downer. You know the type - nothing is ever enough, nothing good ever happens, always tired or sick, always looking from the outside in - wanting more, wanting better, wanting the greener grass from the other side of the street. And then I thought of the flower....the joy flower. She forgot to water and feed her flower! It has been so neglected that it finally uprooted and died. NEVER will she get it back. Oh sure, someone might be able to come along and plant some new joy flower seeds in her heart - and I pray that happens. But the one she currently carries in her soul might as well be so dead that it is now decomposed.
My joy flower may not be thriving but it's certainly not dead yet. I'm stocking up on some plant food and water and I'm going to nurse it back to health. It will take effort daily - lots and lots of SONshine - and maybe even some conversation. They say when you talk to plants they thrive - so why not talk to the soul to increase the size of our joy? I certainly won't let my joy flower die - and maybe, just maybe I can grow it so big that I will be able to transplant a little of MY joy to someone else.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
A moment of silence. (that I could do without)
God... God.... God? GOD?!?! I know you are there! Why don't I hear you? You answered me regarding the other things we've talked about but now you are giving me the silent treatment. Are you mad at me?
I try so hard to be positive and upbeat and enjoy the blessings you've given me. I try so hard to be patient. I try so hard to be still and know you are in control.... And I do a pretty good job. Most of the time.
But today - today I need to hear you! I feel hopeless and used. I feel powerless to change whatever needs to be changed. I feel a loss....and I am grieving. I need to cry. I need someone to put their arms around me and hold me while I sob. Someone to stroke my hair while I cry until there are no more tears. A person. I need a go-to person.
You know my thoughts. You know what I need even better than I do. You know I need to hear you! But yet - you are not talking. to me. right now.
So I bury it. I bury the pain and emotion and continue on with the grieving process. I know you are there.... I hear you breathing....
I try so hard to be positive and upbeat and enjoy the blessings you've given me. I try so hard to be patient. I try so hard to be still and know you are in control.... And I do a pretty good job. Most of the time.
But today - today I need to hear you! I feel hopeless and used. I feel powerless to change whatever needs to be changed. I feel a loss....and I am grieving. I need to cry. I need someone to put their arms around me and hold me while I sob. Someone to stroke my hair while I cry until there are no more tears. A person. I need a go-to person.
You know my thoughts. You know what I need even better than I do. You know I need to hear you! But yet - you are not talking. to me. right now.
So I bury it. I bury the pain and emotion and continue on with the grieving process. I know you are there.... I hear you breathing....
Friday, December 17, 2010
God's favorite
So I've had a few choice words in my head for those friends of mine who have been praying for snow. But instead of being nasty I just counteracted their prayers with some of my own. Hmmmf!!! We'll just see who God loves best!
Cold temperatures and humidity don't mix well with my arthritic body so I tend to feel adversely toward winter weather. But I remember a time when I loved the snow and I was actually one of those insane people who prayed for it. And honestly, today I have no reason to be so against it. I still have no car so it's not like I am going anywhere....
When I got up this morning, I looked out the window and lo and behold - NO SNOW! Maybe I AM God's favorite - I say to myself as I get dressed and ready for the day. As I put my make-up on, I recall all the wonderful things He's done for me. Then I bebop downstairs to the wonderful smell of bacon and eggs - a husband specialty in our household - and think yet again - Look at how God loves me!
BUT.... as I'm cheerfully chewing on a piece of fresh bacon, I catch a glimpse of something white and have a flash of snowglobe in my head. I look closer out the window and.....wah, wah - "you're enjoying your day, things are going your way, when along comes Debbie Downer" (wish I could play music in a blog - because the debbie downer song from SNL started playing in my head as the snow slapped me in the face).
I hung my head like the little sister who just got beat in checkers by her big brother.
I took my dreary demeanor to my work desk knowing that today is going to be a crazy, hectic workday and grumbled about that as well. But then I turned my chair around and looked out across the neighborhood as the beautiful big flakes of snow fell and began to accumulate. A big white fluffy blanket of snow had started to cover the neighbors yard and as I watched it fall, I felt a sense of peace.
And then it dawned on me - - I am STILL God's favorite! He knows what I want/need even more than I do. I didn't think I wanted this snow, but He gave it to me anyway knowing that it would be a calming influence on a day that I might otherwise be on edge. My arthritic body isn't feelng even a twinge of pain and I don't have to go outside for any reason at all so there's no reason for me to be hatin' on the snow and every reason to see the beauty of God's love in each unique flake. Yes - I am God's favorite - indeed.
Cold temperatures and humidity don't mix well with my arthritic body so I tend to feel adversely toward winter weather. But I remember a time when I loved the snow and I was actually one of those insane people who prayed for it. And honestly, today I have no reason to be so against it. I still have no car so it's not like I am going anywhere....
When I got up this morning, I looked out the window and lo and behold - NO SNOW! Maybe I AM God's favorite - I say to myself as I get dressed and ready for the day. As I put my make-up on, I recall all the wonderful things He's done for me. Then I bebop downstairs to the wonderful smell of bacon and eggs - a husband specialty in our household - and think yet again - Look at how God loves me!
BUT.... as I'm cheerfully chewing on a piece of fresh bacon, I catch a glimpse of something white and have a flash of snowglobe in my head. I look closer out the window and.....wah, wah - "you're enjoying your day, things are going your way, when along comes Debbie Downer" (wish I could play music in a blog - because the debbie downer song from SNL started playing in my head as the snow slapped me in the face).
I hung my head like the little sister who just got beat in checkers by her big brother.
I took my dreary demeanor to my work desk knowing that today is going to be a crazy, hectic workday and grumbled about that as well. But then I turned my chair around and looked out across the neighborhood as the beautiful big flakes of snow fell and began to accumulate. A big white fluffy blanket of snow had started to cover the neighbors yard and as I watched it fall, I felt a sense of peace.
And then it dawned on me - - I am STILL God's favorite! He knows what I want/need even more than I do. I didn't think I wanted this snow, but He gave it to me anyway knowing that it would be a calming influence on a day that I might otherwise be on edge. My arthritic body isn't feelng even a twinge of pain and I don't have to go outside for any reason at all so there's no reason for me to be hatin' on the snow and every reason to see the beauty of God's love in each unique flake. Yes - I am God's favorite - indeed.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Word.
Is your mind ever so full of thoughts that you can't put them into words? That's exactly why I blog. However, there are times - like tonight - that I can tell my head is so full that I need to purge - in word form - to get the confusion out of my mind. And I sit here, hands poised on the keyboard, waiting for the flow of words to hit my finger tips and spew out the jumbled up mess of conflicting ideas, feelings and emotions onto the computer screen. And I sit some more, head topsy turvy, rumbling and tumbling, and I get.... N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
Apparently what I am going through right now can't be explained or described.
All I know is that I don't like unanswered questions. I don't like being unable to solve the puzzle. I don't like being unprepared for the test. I don't like unresolved emotion. and I don't like feeling ill equipped.
In order to resolve all of the above things I don't like, I would have to have some glimpse or inkling of how the future will take shape. But even if I could flip forward a few chapters in this thrilling suspense novel called life, I don't think that I would do so. I am anticipating what will happen next but also afraid to turn the page. I think it may be time to hand the book over to the Author and trust with all my heart, that He knew just how to write the perfect ending and will read the next few chapters to me in a way that calms and soothes my ever longing soul.
Apparently what I am going through right now can't be explained or described.
All I know is that I don't like unanswered questions. I don't like being unable to solve the puzzle. I don't like being unprepared for the test. I don't like unresolved emotion. and I don't like feeling ill equipped.
In order to resolve all of the above things I don't like, I would have to have some glimpse or inkling of how the future will take shape. But even if I could flip forward a few chapters in this thrilling suspense novel called life, I don't think that I would do so. I am anticipating what will happen next but also afraid to turn the page. I think it may be time to hand the book over to the Author and trust with all my heart, that He knew just how to write the perfect ending and will read the next few chapters to me in a way that calms and soothes my ever longing soul.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The Moth and the Apple
Once upon a time there was a moth who lived in the Great Plains of Oklahoma. Little Miss Moth had a happy childhood and picture perfect life but for some reason she flittered and fluttered around unable to find true contentment. She felt average and boring and often, invisible to those around her. She flew around from flower to flower, bush to bush, tree to tree - doing the things that all little moths do but found no meaning to her existence. She enjoyed talking to the other moths and beetles and ladybugs but still felt very much alone in spite of knowing she had a nice number of bug friends who cared for her.
One day, she encountered a spider. He was very friendly and knew all the right things to say. She even began to think that he was a very attractive bug. She spent more and more time with him all the while oblivious to the fact that his silky smooth demeanor was drawing her in and wrapping her in his feathery web little by little. One day, she decided she might be spending a little too much time with Mr. Spider and tried to go back to her other little bug friends but found she was trapped! She struggled and fought to get free of that web entanglement but got only further entwined. Eventually she found the strength to gradually break free and she got away from the horrible web, only to find that feathery remnants of the web remained attached to her wings and hindered her flight. She could not seem to rid her wings of the web remnants but decided she could continue on in spite of the burden.
Life was hard with the burden of the web still upon her wings. She decided it might be best to take a break from flittering and fluttering around and built herself a nice, cozy coccoon. Her coccoon was nestled in an old oak tree across from an orchard where the afternoon sun shone brightly. Every afternoon, Little Miss Moth would peek out of the pinhole in her coccoon where she could see just a tiny glimpse of red hue. She wondered what that red might be. It enthralled her. She was so intrigued by that color, that she wanted to know more. Little by little, each day the sun seemed to shine a little brighter into her coccon and the little pinhole seemed to open a little bigger. Every morning she could see a little bit more of the attractive red item until she finally was able to make out just what it was - an apple! A beautiful round, red, juicy apple that reflected the rays of the afternoon sun so brilliantly that she yearned to see it up close. As the pinhole became bigger, Little Miss Moth began to think that maybe, just maybe she could leave the coccoon. She would see a little more of the apple each day until she saw the way out. The coccoon began to crumble. She was free! Free to go see the apple. As she hovered there on the branch of the big old oak tree, fear overcame her. What if she fell on her flight over to the apple? What if she got to the apple and it was a disappointment? What if the apple disappeared before she got there? As she hovered, she decided that she must at least try to see this apple and off she soared.
As she flew, she began to see glimpses of light that she had never seen before. She noticed her wings seemed to work better and they had increased in size and might. The web remnants were gone! Not only was the web no longer captivating her, but her wings were now beautiful and full of color! How did this happen? How could she have changed so much in so little time? As she arrived at the apple tree it dawned on her. It had to have been the apple! The apple reflected the brilliance of the sunlight in such a way that she was able to make little changes over time that helped to clear the webs from her wings and cultivate splashes of color that beautified her flight. She bent down, and for the first time, was able to see the beautiful apple up close. And the apple was everything she had hoped and imagined. It was not without flaw but it was clear the imperfections only gave it character. It was the perfect shade of red. Getting to know the apple had changed her and finally getting to touch it made her feel complete. She thanked God for the apple even if she knew the it was not meant for her. Before she took flight, she bent down and gave it a tender kiss.
It was difficult for her to leave the apple. She had no idea if the apple would still be there when she returned. She knew someone else might come and pick the apple but she also knew the apple needed just a little more time to ripen before it could break free from the tree. She also needed to fly. She needed to strengthen those beautiful wings and learn to fly with freedom - without the cumbersome burden of the web. So she said her goodbyes to the apple and as she took off she prayed that someday they would meet again... You see the apple wasn't just beautiful and wonderful - the apple also inspired Little Miss Moth to be a butterfly. She would never forget the apple and would consider him forever in her heart.
One day, she encountered a spider. He was very friendly and knew all the right things to say. She even began to think that he was a very attractive bug. She spent more and more time with him all the while oblivious to the fact that his silky smooth demeanor was drawing her in and wrapping her in his feathery web little by little. One day, she decided she might be spending a little too much time with Mr. Spider and tried to go back to her other little bug friends but found she was trapped! She struggled and fought to get free of that web entanglement but got only further entwined. Eventually she found the strength to gradually break free and she got away from the horrible web, only to find that feathery remnants of the web remained attached to her wings and hindered her flight. She could not seem to rid her wings of the web remnants but decided she could continue on in spite of the burden.
Life was hard with the burden of the web still upon her wings. She decided it might be best to take a break from flittering and fluttering around and built herself a nice, cozy coccoon. Her coccoon was nestled in an old oak tree across from an orchard where the afternoon sun shone brightly. Every afternoon, Little Miss Moth would peek out of the pinhole in her coccoon where she could see just a tiny glimpse of red hue. She wondered what that red might be. It enthralled her. She was so intrigued by that color, that she wanted to know more. Little by little, each day the sun seemed to shine a little brighter into her coccon and the little pinhole seemed to open a little bigger. Every morning she could see a little bit more of the attractive red item until she finally was able to make out just what it was - an apple! A beautiful round, red, juicy apple that reflected the rays of the afternoon sun so brilliantly that she yearned to see it up close. As the pinhole became bigger, Little Miss Moth began to think that maybe, just maybe she could leave the coccoon. She would see a little more of the apple each day until she saw the way out. The coccoon began to crumble. She was free! Free to go see the apple. As she hovered there on the branch of the big old oak tree, fear overcame her. What if she fell on her flight over to the apple? What if she got to the apple and it was a disappointment? What if the apple disappeared before she got there? As she hovered, she decided that she must at least try to see this apple and off she soared.
As she flew, she began to see glimpses of light that she had never seen before. She noticed her wings seemed to work better and they had increased in size and might. The web remnants were gone! Not only was the web no longer captivating her, but her wings were now beautiful and full of color! How did this happen? How could she have changed so much in so little time? As she arrived at the apple tree it dawned on her. It had to have been the apple! The apple reflected the brilliance of the sunlight in such a way that she was able to make little changes over time that helped to clear the webs from her wings and cultivate splashes of color that beautified her flight. She bent down, and for the first time, was able to see the beautiful apple up close. And the apple was everything she had hoped and imagined. It was not without flaw but it was clear the imperfections only gave it character. It was the perfect shade of red. Getting to know the apple had changed her and finally getting to touch it made her feel complete. She thanked God for the apple even if she knew the it was not meant for her. Before she took flight, she bent down and gave it a tender kiss.
It was difficult for her to leave the apple. She had no idea if the apple would still be there when she returned. She knew someone else might come and pick the apple but she also knew the apple needed just a little more time to ripen before it could break free from the tree. She also needed to fly. She needed to strengthen those beautiful wings and learn to fly with freedom - without the cumbersome burden of the web. So she said her goodbyes to the apple and as she took off she prayed that someday they would meet again... You see the apple wasn't just beautiful and wonderful - the apple also inspired Little Miss Moth to be a butterfly. She would never forget the apple and would consider him forever in her heart.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Loosen the grip....
Another repost from the former blog:
Jan 25, 2009
random thoughts
Certain things in life grab hold of us for various reasons. Sometimes it's people, sometimes it's a habit, sometimes it's a particular food or a way of doing things. This happens because the person or thing or practice meets a deep seated need of some sort. It brings forth some type of pleasurable feeling so we continue on with it and even eventually cling to it until we can't let go. When these things are taken away, we go through withdrawal which can come in a multitude of forms..... sadness, headaches, cravings, etc - depending on what the addiction was. The initial stronghold is in initiated in somewhat of a courtship manner....there is flirtation and then actual contact and then dating and then a full blown relationship - each step creating a tighter grip but in an intriguing process. At some point you may realize what's happening and try to stop but rarely is one successful. Instead, you find yourself with a tighter grip than before.
Then all of a sudden one day the subject of your addiction is taken away - unexpectedly, out of the blue - ripped out of your hand...... but yet your grip is just as tight - and you can't figure out how to unclench your fist. You try - but the pain is unbearable. Then in similar fashion to the initial courtship - the steps begin to re-occur but in reverse. As time goes buy you find the grip is loosened, each finger unwrapping from the palm until finally the pinkie pops out and you find your hand fully outstretched - fingers spread - palm exposed. The relief is almost overwhelming as you realize how taxing the whole thing has been to your spirit. You have finally broken free. You've kicked the habit. You realize that what was once so extremely important had actually been a poison to your system and that it was slowly shutting you down. You now realize that the hand that formerly clutched so tightly to the beloved specimen is now so much more useful when empty. Perhaps it has nothing now to grab ahold of - but that is not a negative consequence necessarily - as it is now free to grab and let go where appropriate. Or perhaps it's clutching on to something new - something better - something to enrich your life instead of complicate it.
Breaking free or letting go is an exhilarating experience once you get past the withdrawal. Releasing the grip takes courage, steadfastness and great effort. When you realize you are finally getting away from the stronghold, the feeling can be so much better than the initial falling in love. I've only experienced it a few times in my life, but it is a sweet victory. Would it have been better to never have been under the spell to begin with? Perhaps. But I am reminded of a few words from Alfred Loyd Tennyson - "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. " Through our mistakes, we are more human and many times this is how we relate to one another. So I am glad to have been there and done that even if it wasn't in my best interest at the time. I loved, I lost, and above all - I learned.
Jan 25, 2009
random thoughts
Certain things in life grab hold of us for various reasons. Sometimes it's people, sometimes it's a habit, sometimes it's a particular food or a way of doing things. This happens because the person or thing or practice meets a deep seated need of some sort. It brings forth some type of pleasurable feeling so we continue on with it and even eventually cling to it until we can't let go. When these things are taken away, we go through withdrawal which can come in a multitude of forms..... sadness, headaches, cravings, etc - depending on what the addiction was. The initial stronghold is in initiated in somewhat of a courtship manner....there is flirtation and then actual contact and then dating and then a full blown relationship - each step creating a tighter grip but in an intriguing process. At some point you may realize what's happening and try to stop but rarely is one successful. Instead, you find yourself with a tighter grip than before.
Then all of a sudden one day the subject of your addiction is taken away - unexpectedly, out of the blue - ripped out of your hand...... but yet your grip is just as tight - and you can't figure out how to unclench your fist. You try - but the pain is unbearable. Then in similar fashion to the initial courtship - the steps begin to re-occur but in reverse. As time goes buy you find the grip is loosened, each finger unwrapping from the palm until finally the pinkie pops out and you find your hand fully outstretched - fingers spread - palm exposed. The relief is almost overwhelming as you realize how taxing the whole thing has been to your spirit. You have finally broken free. You've kicked the habit. You realize that what was once so extremely important had actually been a poison to your system and that it was slowly shutting you down. You now realize that the hand that formerly clutched so tightly to the beloved specimen is now so much more useful when empty. Perhaps it has nothing now to grab ahold of - but that is not a negative consequence necessarily - as it is now free to grab and let go where appropriate. Or perhaps it's clutching on to something new - something better - something to enrich your life instead of complicate it.
Breaking free or letting go is an exhilarating experience once you get past the withdrawal. Releasing the grip takes courage, steadfastness and great effort. When you realize you are finally getting away from the stronghold, the feeling can be so much better than the initial falling in love. I've only experienced it a few times in my life, but it is a sweet victory. Would it have been better to never have been under the spell to begin with? Perhaps. But I am reminded of a few words from Alfred Loyd Tennyson - "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. " Through our mistakes, we are more human and many times this is how we relate to one another. So I am glad to have been there and done that even if it wasn't in my best interest at the time. I loved, I lost, and above all - I learned.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Oldie, but Goodie
Found this on my old blog - it spoke to me this morning....
Jan 31, 2009
I'm a mess
Not really - well kind of I guess. This quote from Private Practice just hit me this morning as I was catching up on my shows....
Violet: I'm a mess.
Sheldon: We're all a mess. Don't you know that by now? All I know is I don't mind finding out who you are.
I agree with Sheldon. Some of us don't want to admit it, but we are all a mess inside. We don't like to put out our dirty laundry and mistakes for all the world to see. We like to appear that we've got it all together, that we're happy, that we know exactly what we're doing. Think about people you know that really do appear that way.... More than likely, they have inner issues that you don't know about. Now think about that person who is real - who has issues - who needs help. Which one do you prefer to have as your friend? Me - I want the messed up cat - the one with issues - the whacked out one. Why? Because #1 - I don't feel so bad about having issues of my own and, #2 - I like to feel that friendship is a two way street: I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine.
I used to be a perfectionist. This was before children. Thank Goodness God blessed me with a colicky baby. Because of her, I was able to let go of that pressure. As I get older, I discover that perfection is overrated. I've become endeared to flaws. In fact, I collect old clocks that don't work. I don't want them to work. They are beautiful even if they don't do what they were made to do - I've found a new purpose for them and they make me happy.
God didn't expect us to be perfect either. He created us knowing full well that we would not live up to our potential and you know what? He loves us that way. The more we screw up, the more we learn about Him and about His love. Mistakes are a good thing - they are sometimes the only way we learn.
Jan 31, 2009
I'm a mess
Not really - well kind of I guess. This quote from Private Practice just hit me this morning as I was catching up on my shows....
Violet: I'm a mess.
Sheldon: We're all a mess. Don't you know that by now? All I know is I don't mind finding out who you are.
I agree with Sheldon. Some of us don't want to admit it, but we are all a mess inside. We don't like to put out our dirty laundry and mistakes for all the world to see. We like to appear that we've got it all together, that we're happy, that we know exactly what we're doing. Think about people you know that really do appear that way.... More than likely, they have inner issues that you don't know about. Now think about that person who is real - who has issues - who needs help. Which one do you prefer to have as your friend? Me - I want the messed up cat - the one with issues - the whacked out one. Why? Because #1 - I don't feel so bad about having issues of my own and, #2 - I like to feel that friendship is a two way street: I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine.
I used to be a perfectionist. This was before children. Thank Goodness God blessed me with a colicky baby. Because of her, I was able to let go of that pressure. As I get older, I discover that perfection is overrated. I've become endeared to flaws. In fact, I collect old clocks that don't work. I don't want them to work. They are beautiful even if they don't do what they were made to do - I've found a new purpose for them and they make me happy.
God didn't expect us to be perfect either. He created us knowing full well that we would not live up to our potential and you know what? He loves us that way. The more we screw up, the more we learn about Him and about His love. Mistakes are a good thing - they are sometimes the only way we learn.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The "Sitch"
I have a situation. It's been brought about by pure chance...or perhaps a small twist of fate - and it leaves me completely at a loss. I don't know whether to act or wait or reject the new ideas that are forming in my mind. For the last 2 years I've felt God telling me that I am where He wants me. Now I am beginning to feel the uneasiness of looming change. So I pray. And I pray. And I pray some more. I pray first thing in the morning, last thing at night and about 52 times a day in between. And I have a prayer partner in this so I know - I KNOW God is going to answer. He will take care of the "sitch" for me and that gives me peace.... to a degree. The unknown variable is that I am uncertain as to HOW He will take care of this.
In the past, in other situations, I've taken the same course of action and He answered in time (sometimes longer than I would have requested) but His answer and remedy was so contradictory to my expectation, that the resolve was somewhat of a let-down in spite of the fact that the result was what I asked for. So my anxiety is warranted I believe - even though He tells us - "worry not".
It IS out of my hands to a degree but there are actions that can be taken to bring about what I ultimately desire. My question now is do I take steps toward action, or do I sit tight and wait upon the Lord? I feel His presence... in fact, He's so close I hear Him breathing - - and I think I hear a faint whisper that says, "Act". It is so quiet that I almost doubt Him. But I no longer hear the firm voice that says "you are right where I want you".
In the past, in other situations, I've taken the same course of action and He answered in time (sometimes longer than I would have requested) but His answer and remedy was so contradictory to my expectation, that the resolve was somewhat of a let-down in spite of the fact that the result was what I asked for. So my anxiety is warranted I believe - even though He tells us - "worry not".
It IS out of my hands to a degree but there are actions that can be taken to bring about what I ultimately desire. My question now is do I take steps toward action, or do I sit tight and wait upon the Lord? I feel His presence... in fact, He's so close I hear Him breathing - - and I think I hear a faint whisper that says, "Act". It is so quiet that I almost doubt Him. But I no longer hear the firm voice that says "you are right where I want you".
Monday, December 6, 2010
What I Want For Christmas by Amy Shilling Ediger
Christmas. A time of year when people make time to get together and love on their family members and friends. But do they? Really? Most of us are even given extra time off work for this purpose but the time off quickly becomes filled with shopping, cooking, wrapping presents, etc that by the time I am finally able to focus on the quality time aspect, I'm spent and not fully engaged. There are so many events leading up to the actual day that wear us out as well. Chrismas programs at school, church and in the community; Parties at school, church and in the community. Practices or planning meetings for these events; decorating the house inside and out. and again....shopping. Tell me, when do we actually get the time to spend with our loved ones? I don't know about you but aside from the fact that the true meaning of Christmas often gets pushed away, it seems my expectations of the holiday season also get moved to the background. The true meaning is focused around Jesus. Would He be happy about all this hoop-lah? The little baby that was born in a barn.... that grew to be a man who made a "career" out of spending time with people.... and loving them.
As I write this, I feel almost ashamed. Although I certainly don't go to extremes, I have been focused on preparing the house for the holidays, shopping and wrapping gifts - taking extra time and spending extra money to make everything look nice. Time - that I could have given to someone else - whether that be friend or family OR even a total stranger that needed a listening ear or a helpful hand. To me, time is invaluable. It's what *I* want for Christmas but I should be willing to GIVE it as well.
This story is copied from facebook but it really tugs at the heartstrings:
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the man.
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $50 an hour.”
SON: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $25?”
The father was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. “Are you asleep, son?” He asked. “No daddy, I'm awake,” replied the boy. “I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the man. “It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. “Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the father grumbled. “Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied. “Daddy, now that I have $50, can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
As I write this, I feel almost ashamed. Although I certainly don't go to extremes, I have been focused on preparing the house for the holidays, shopping and wrapping gifts - taking extra time and spending extra money to make everything look nice. Time - that I could have given to someone else - whether that be friend or family OR even a total stranger that needed a listening ear or a helpful hand. To me, time is invaluable. It's what *I* want for Christmas but I should be willing to GIVE it as well.
This story is copied from facebook but it really tugs at the heartstrings:
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the man.
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $50 an hour.”
SON: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $25?”
The father was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often.
The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. “Are you asleep, son?” He asked. “No daddy, I'm awake,” replied the boy. “I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the man. “It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling. “Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the father grumbled. “Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied. “Daddy, now that I have $50, can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Self Therapy
I'm baaaaack! Grrr... Mad at me for not taking more time to do this. I need this emotional purge from time to time. Putting my feelings into words via my blog even if sometimes encrypted, really helps me work things out in my mind. I think I have been feeling somewhat insecure - thinking perhaps my thoughts and feelings should not be on display for the world to see but I have had a few tell me that my previous blog was of help to them. I'm not sure many of them even know I have this one now and I don't care to advertise that fact. However, if someone comes across it - I don't think I will be embarrassed. I am what I am. And I love people even if I don't agree with their thoughts or feelings, so I will assume that my peeps will still love me.
I am feeling extremely blessed with my life at the moment in spite of some things I know I need to change. Somehow, some way, I'm comforted in the middle of some slight discontent. I think I will quit feeling let down and disappointed with certain aspects of my life that were out of my control. It's time to let go of the hurt I've felt and replace it with peace, love, forgiveness and understanding.
That being said, I am needing discernment. I need to figure out what is within my control and what is not. God is in control - yes. But He also requires action on our parts to assist at times. His will is like at abstract painting to me at this point in time. Just when I think I see the theme, something changes and I see it a different way. For now, I will wait. And listen. Maybe the artist will tell me exactly what His painting portrays.
I am feeling extremely blessed with my life at the moment in spite of some things I know I need to change. Somehow, some way, I'm comforted in the middle of some slight discontent. I think I will quit feeling let down and disappointed with certain aspects of my life that were out of my control. It's time to let go of the hurt I've felt and replace it with peace, love, forgiveness and understanding.
That being said, I am needing discernment. I need to figure out what is within my control and what is not. God is in control - yes. But He also requires action on our parts to assist at times. His will is like at abstract painting to me at this point in time. Just when I think I see the theme, something changes and I see it a different way. For now, I will wait. And listen. Maybe the artist will tell me exactly what His painting portrays.
Monday, July 19, 2010
22 years
We had a good run, you and I. Our friendship was not always rosy but it was healthy none the less. Or so I thought. Until recently, when it died. We have literally been through thick and thin together. We've had ups and downs and even battled cancer together. Sort of. Ironically, you survived and even beat it but our friendship did not.
Perhaps that's normal during a traumatic life event. I understand the changes you're making in your life and I even agree with most of them. And honestly, I take most of the responsibility for the cancer that killed our friendship. I am the queen of telling others what they want to hear instead of what they probably need to hear. I've done that with you for 22 years. However, just as cancer changed you, it changed me and I simply can't go on being your feel good friend. You know why. You know that the lies and secrets will eventually kill you. You know they just feed the cancer. You just don't want to hear it. You may now be physically healthy but you are not emotionally healthy. I can't watch you stay in denial when I see what it does to your body and soul.
So I completely understand your decision to cut me off. I apologize that I have not been the kind of friend that could be honest in all things. I always supported you - but maybe I shouldn't have. It may have ended our friendship sooner, but you might be a healthier person today if I had only spoken up years ago. We have always had a tendency to feed off one another - much like cancerous cells. I believe our friendship has been diseased for a long time and we were both to weak to fight it. It has been like a slow growing tumor which has recently been removed - in chunks - over the last few months.
I am not bitter and have no resentment. I will always love you like a sister, but now understand we are much healthier without the tumor even if we must be apart. I hope you feel the same. I doubt you will ever read this, but if you do I must make one last try... The truth really will set you free! Not just emotionally but physically as well. Be strong and healthy! Purge your soul of the lies! Only then will you remember what "normal" feels like. Only then will you live.
Perhaps that's normal during a traumatic life event. I understand the changes you're making in your life and I even agree with most of them. And honestly, I take most of the responsibility for the cancer that killed our friendship. I am the queen of telling others what they want to hear instead of what they probably need to hear. I've done that with you for 22 years. However, just as cancer changed you, it changed me and I simply can't go on being your feel good friend. You know why. You know that the lies and secrets will eventually kill you. You know they just feed the cancer. You just don't want to hear it. You may now be physically healthy but you are not emotionally healthy. I can't watch you stay in denial when I see what it does to your body and soul.
So I completely understand your decision to cut me off. I apologize that I have not been the kind of friend that could be honest in all things. I always supported you - but maybe I shouldn't have. It may have ended our friendship sooner, but you might be a healthier person today if I had only spoken up years ago. We have always had a tendency to feed off one another - much like cancerous cells. I believe our friendship has been diseased for a long time and we were both to weak to fight it. It has been like a slow growing tumor which has recently been removed - in chunks - over the last few months.
I am not bitter and have no resentment. I will always love you like a sister, but now understand we are much healthier without the tumor even if we must be apart. I hope you feel the same. I doubt you will ever read this, but if you do I must make one last try... The truth really will set you free! Not just emotionally but physically as well. Be strong and healthy! Purge your soul of the lies! Only then will you remember what "normal" feels like. Only then will you live.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Facebook woes
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE Facebook and I love the fact that we can now be in touch with friends from our past. These kinds of reunions and relationships wouldn't have happened 10 years ago. But something about it also makes me somewhat sad. I read things that former friends have written and I think to myself - now how in the heck did we lose touch with each other? She is so clever and always makes me laugh or She is so insightful - how is it that we did not stay close over the years?
And even though Facebook makes it possible to catch glimpses of their current lives, it is still so surfacey. It's not real - it's like looking through a very foggy glass at someone else's life. You only see what they want you to see. Maybe that's why I can't fully understand how I could have parted ways with one so clever or another that was so insightful - eh?
I guess life is as it should be. If I am able to rejuvenate a friendship through Facebook then that is a blessing but I guess if it never quite takes bloom again, then perhaps there is a reason (that I may never know) why it faded so many years ago. Friendships are beautiful phenomena but also very complicated. Another area where I must learn to just take life as it comes instead of trying to be so darn manipulative all the time. God is in charge. He puts the right people in the right places at the right times (even if that means the end of another friendship). Just another area of life where I need to relinquish control - or as my friend Jenny keeps saying, "Let go and Let God."
And even though Facebook makes it possible to catch glimpses of their current lives, it is still so surfacey. It's not real - it's like looking through a very foggy glass at someone else's life. You only see what they want you to see. Maybe that's why I can't fully understand how I could have parted ways with one so clever or another that was so insightful - eh?
I guess life is as it should be. If I am able to rejuvenate a friendship through Facebook then that is a blessing but I guess if it never quite takes bloom again, then perhaps there is a reason (that I may never know) why it faded so many years ago. Friendships are beautiful phenomena but also very complicated. Another area where I must learn to just take life as it comes instead of trying to be so darn manipulative all the time. God is in charge. He puts the right people in the right places at the right times (even if that means the end of another friendship). Just another area of life where I need to relinquish control - or as my friend Jenny keeps saying, "Let go and Let God."
Friday, April 16, 2010
IV time....
It's terrible that it takes me being hooked up to an IV to make time for blogging. Or maybe it's good.... I can't decide. It is therapeutic to put my thoughts into words but I think it's also good to be so busy that I don't have time to think -- or is that called denial?
When I have alot of time on my hands, I tend to reflect on my past more than I should. Those moments are gone so it is pointless to waste time and energy on 'should haves' or 'could haves'. I could switch gears and start looking to the future - but then, it is so uncertain that I'm not sure that's very productive either. The key is probably to focus on the here and now - but why is that such a struggle? Today is the only day that is somewhat within control. What we do with it is completely up to us. Now is the time to finish those unfinished tasks, call those we've been meaning to call, send gifts to those we've wanted to help and do away with regret.
That's all easy to say when hooked up to an IV.... In about an hour, I'll get up from this comfy recliner and head out to my next appointment. Then I'll run the errands I have. Then I'll go see my bff in the hospital and then drive home. Once there, I'll get ready for Prom tonight and then tomorrow another task filled day will begin. And the blog time gets pushed to the very back....
The thoughts will still be there. Just not in word form.
When I have alot of time on my hands, I tend to reflect on my past more than I should. Those moments are gone so it is pointless to waste time and energy on 'should haves' or 'could haves'. I could switch gears and start looking to the future - but then, it is so uncertain that I'm not sure that's very productive either. The key is probably to focus on the here and now - but why is that such a struggle? Today is the only day that is somewhat within control. What we do with it is completely up to us. Now is the time to finish those unfinished tasks, call those we've been meaning to call, send gifts to those we've wanted to help and do away with regret.
That's all easy to say when hooked up to an IV.... In about an hour, I'll get up from this comfy recliner and head out to my next appointment. Then I'll run the errands I have. Then I'll go see my bff in the hospital and then drive home. Once there, I'll get ready for Prom tonight and then tomorrow another task filled day will begin. And the blog time gets pushed to the very back....
The thoughts will still be there. Just not in word form.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Epic Fail
I quit. I gave up. I let my addiction take hold and get in the way of what was supposed to be my focus on God and His gift to us. I jokingly say that I gave up Lent for Facebook but it's really not funny. I am kinda disappointed but at the same time not sure I really thought this through as much as I should have. The intent was good but I didn't educate myself on the tradition as much as I should have. Seasons like Lent and Advent are new to me. They aren't observed in the churches that I've been a part of for most of my life so I'm somewhat ignorant to the tradition. It's a shame really because these traditions are rich in meaning and really help explain much of our religious heritage. I also didn't realize how out of the loop my 'sacrifice' would take me and that perhaps that wasn't the root of my distraction after all....
I will chalk it up to a learning experience. I am very happy to be back in touch with my Facebook friends and no more distracted than I was without Facebook. However, had I known that I could have still had Facebook on Sundays during Lent, I might not have caved so soon! Apparently whatever you give up for Lent, you can have on Sundays during Lent....HAD NO IDEA! So --- that helps--- a great deal. Good to know for next year. As for this year, I'll just keep toddling along, doing the best I can to learn how to walk the walk all along hoping eventually I'll learn to dance.
I will chalk it up to a learning experience. I am very happy to be back in touch with my Facebook friends and no more distracted than I was without Facebook. However, had I known that I could have still had Facebook on Sundays during Lent, I might not have caved so soon! Apparently whatever you give up for Lent, you can have on Sundays during Lent....HAD NO IDEA! So --- that helps--- a great deal. Good to know for next year. As for this year, I'll just keep toddling along, doing the best I can to learn how to walk the walk all along hoping eventually I'll learn to dance.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
What am I doing?
Spinning my wheels? Twiddling my thumbs? Going through the motions? I'm very frustrated with ME. I gave up Facebook for Lent so I could F.O.C.U.S. On God. On Family. On the things that are important! Also so that I would quit looking outside my box for a bit and realize just how great I've got it - all right here. I am the world's worst at comparison shopping (well ok, in a literal sense, I'm very good at it) but in a spirtual sense that is a HUGE flaw. Life is not about comparison. It's not about keeping up with the Joneses. AND - the grass is actually almost NEVER greener on the other side - that's an optical illusion!
I want to quit wanting. I'm good. I have everything I need...MORE than I need and I'm beyond blessed. But apparently eliminating Facebook has not elimated my bad habits. Instead, I feel out of touch with my peeps! But then - perhaps that is temptation talking.... Maybe it's doing more good than I know. Probably more effective would be eliminating internet altogether for awhile and along with that TV. But yeah..... I don't see that happening anytime soon. What pitiful creatures we are that we think we need all this meaningless technology!
So hopefully I'm reeling it in here. Back to the meaning of Lent.....preparation. consideration. What God gave for us ---it's so very humbling when you stop and think about it. Although I tend to make this world about me, it's really not. Or should not be. I hope to stop the vanity and selfishness and realize that I've been given so much already.... was given soooo much more when Christ died for me and perhaps it's time for me to give back. Baby steps though. I'm still not an adult Christian and wonder if I will ever be but the only way I'll get there is to try walking...do a little falling....get back up and give it another go. Somehow this theme is recurring but maybe, just maybe I'll get the hang of it. And perhaps someday after I do, I can work on dancing..... (Queue the music - I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack) Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance.
I want to quit wanting. I'm good. I have everything I need...MORE than I need and I'm beyond blessed. But apparently eliminating Facebook has not elimated my bad habits. Instead, I feel out of touch with my peeps! But then - perhaps that is temptation talking.... Maybe it's doing more good than I know. Probably more effective would be eliminating internet altogether for awhile and along with that TV. But yeah..... I don't see that happening anytime soon. What pitiful creatures we are that we think we need all this meaningless technology!
So hopefully I'm reeling it in here. Back to the meaning of Lent.....preparation. consideration. What God gave for us ---it's so very humbling when you stop and think about it. Although I tend to make this world about me, it's really not. Or should not be. I hope to stop the vanity and selfishness and realize that I've been given so much already.... was given soooo much more when Christ died for me and perhaps it's time for me to give back. Baby steps though. I'm still not an adult Christian and wonder if I will ever be but the only way I'll get there is to try walking...do a little falling....get back up and give it another go. Somehow this theme is recurring but maybe, just maybe I'll get the hang of it. And perhaps someday after I do, I can work on dancing..... (Queue the music - I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack) Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Not the only one
I recently discovered that a friend of mine - someone whom I would little expect - shared in a similar experience to one I have had. Occurrences like that happen all the time..... but not necessarily for this type of experience. When I was going through the whole ordeal, I wrestled with many emotions - fear, regret, shame. It was one of those experiences that feels good when you're in the middle of it but in hindsight makes you wonder what in the world you were thinking. One of those that, when all is out in the open, leave you wishing you could take it all back. It is a time that brings an incredible sense that you are alone....
Then - to find out you are not alone - to find out someone that you know and actually respect - has been in a similar situation and conquered it - is encouraging.....sort of. It would be I guess, if I felt I could comfortably know more. Details, I want details. Advice, I NEED advice! But yet, this friend is not one I can just call up and have comfortable girl talk with. OR - maybe I could but don't want to overstep any boundaries.
And therein lies one of my biggest flaws, issues, whatever you want to call it. I ~long~ for more female friendships. I have many friends yes - but they are surface friends. There are but a few that I can have real, honest conversations with. Only a couple that I tell everything to. Not even a handful that I know within my heart of hearts will love me no matter what ugliness I end up revealing when showing the real me. I hold back regularly. I don't initiate outings or make calls to check on people. I don't go out of my way to have conversations other than in passing. I am fearful of imposing, or being perceived as presumptive. I worry too much about what others will think instead of just putting that aside and making 'dates' with my girlfriends. And in doing that, I keep people at arms length I suppose.
And why? Why do I let fear rule my relationships? I've been hurt yes - but who hasn't? Hurt is always a risk when forming any type of relationship but is that any reason to remain alone? Assuming risk has never been my forte. I'm conservative. I play it safe. Playing it safe though, reduces one's chances of winning the big prize. So at this point I have to assess if I want the prize or if I want to remain safe. Will putting myself out there expose me to volatility or inspire me to blossom? And if I remain to myself to avoid hurt, then why am I still hurting so much?
Guess it's time (gulp) to admit my flaws, put myself out there and see who bites. Perhaps the flawed me will actually be more attractive to others than the put-together me. I will never have all the answers, I will always need help and love and support. I just hope it doesn't come across as needy.... because, as we all know - I am perfectly capable of going it alone. Just not very happy doing it that way.
Then - to find out you are not alone - to find out someone that you know and actually respect - has been in a similar situation and conquered it - is encouraging.....sort of. It would be I guess, if I felt I could comfortably know more. Details, I want details. Advice, I NEED advice! But yet, this friend is not one I can just call up and have comfortable girl talk with. OR - maybe I could but don't want to overstep any boundaries.
And therein lies one of my biggest flaws, issues, whatever you want to call it. I ~long~ for more female friendships. I have many friends yes - but they are surface friends. There are but a few that I can have real, honest conversations with. Only a couple that I tell everything to. Not even a handful that I know within my heart of hearts will love me no matter what ugliness I end up revealing when showing the real me. I hold back regularly. I don't initiate outings or make calls to check on people. I don't go out of my way to have conversations other than in passing. I am fearful of imposing, or being perceived as presumptive. I worry too much about what others will think instead of just putting that aside and making 'dates' with my girlfriends. And in doing that, I keep people at arms length I suppose.
And why? Why do I let fear rule my relationships? I've been hurt yes - but who hasn't? Hurt is always a risk when forming any type of relationship but is that any reason to remain alone? Assuming risk has never been my forte. I'm conservative. I play it safe. Playing it safe though, reduces one's chances of winning the big prize. So at this point I have to assess if I want the prize or if I want to remain safe. Will putting myself out there expose me to volatility or inspire me to blossom? And if I remain to myself to avoid hurt, then why am I still hurting so much?
Guess it's time (gulp) to admit my flaws, put myself out there and see who bites. Perhaps the flawed me will actually be more attractive to others than the put-together me. I will never have all the answers, I will always need help and love and support. I just hope it doesn't come across as needy.... because, as we all know - I am perfectly capable of going it alone. Just not very happy doing it that way.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Lent Virgin
So the season of Lent is now upon us. Ashamedly I admit that this is the first year I've actually observed it. The main reason is that I spent too many years in the Southern Baptist Church - not something I regret really but it did keep me from learning about the deep spirtual meanings behind the rituals of the liturgical church. Advent is another special time that I've come to appreciate as well. Both are times of preparation and reflection. Christmas and Easter are both are times that we as Christians should truly reflect on God's gifts to us and seek His plan for our lives. To truly do this, we must take time to prepare ourselves for true fellowship and worship with him. We must cleanse ourselves of 'self' in a way and direct our thoughts, actions and intentions more on Him and others. Like any sort of training, this takes time and will not happen overnight.
As for Lent specifically, the intent is self sacrifice. Christians give up something they love so that whenever they crave and want for that particular thing, they are reminded of Christ's ultimate sacrifice for us. It can also be giving up something that distracts us or gets in the way of our focus on Christ which is ultimately where my sacrifice came in.... I gave up something I love that also tends to distract me from more important activities - Facebook. I like to tell myself that I tune into Facebook to keep up with others -but honestly, I do it for myself. When I log in, it almost instantly draws me in and commands my attention - sometimes for hours on end. Luckily, I am not one to have Facebook on my phone or this sacrifice would be nearly impossible.
But beyond my spiritual reasons for giving up Facebook are also personal reasons. I need better balance in my life. God needs my attention - yes but so do my children, my husband and MY HOUSE !!! Yikes! I'm trying to juggle yet have no talent for this. The root of the problem I feel is that I have turned my focus inward and that has turned my world inside out. If I learn to put my eye back on the prize (our Heavenly Father) then it's only natural that my attentions will be directed on those who need me and off myself. Then maybe, just maybe everything else will fall into place and the need to juggle will be gone.
As for Lent specifically, the intent is self sacrifice. Christians give up something they love so that whenever they crave and want for that particular thing, they are reminded of Christ's ultimate sacrifice for us. It can also be giving up something that distracts us or gets in the way of our focus on Christ which is ultimately where my sacrifice came in.... I gave up something I love that also tends to distract me from more important activities - Facebook. I like to tell myself that I tune into Facebook to keep up with others -but honestly, I do it for myself. When I log in, it almost instantly draws me in and commands my attention - sometimes for hours on end. Luckily, I am not one to have Facebook on my phone or this sacrifice would be nearly impossible.
But beyond my spiritual reasons for giving up Facebook are also personal reasons. I need better balance in my life. God needs my attention - yes but so do my children, my husband and MY HOUSE !!! Yikes! I'm trying to juggle yet have no talent for this. The root of the problem I feel is that I have turned my focus inward and that has turned my world inside out. If I learn to put my eye back on the prize (our Heavenly Father) then it's only natural that my attentions will be directed on those who need me and off myself. Then maybe, just maybe everything else will fall into place and the need to juggle will be gone.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
So - here I go again....
Oh wow. I'm really hopelessly out of practice at this blogging business. This is a side I've certainly let go - much like my step aerobics phase. I am now back on the step and my butt is screaming so I hope getting back on the blog doesn't send my psyche into some kind of painful eruption!
Somehow I have managed to link this blog to my facebook page and I have been unsuccessful in figuring out how I did that so that I can undo it. I really don't want the whole world seeing my blog.... It's too transparent and too personal at times. It is meant only for the select few - those whom I know love me anyway - even when my thoughts, feelings, etc are less than stellar. So that has been my excuse for not writing.... I don't want to clutter my facebook page with anything more than a few little quips about my day.
So I suppose I will work on getting the link deleted somehow, but in the meantime I guess the facebook world will get to know more than they really wanted to know about me. That is, if I can blog truthfully knowing it may still get blasted out for all the world to see.
What I'm dealing with now? Wondering if some friendships I've formed are real.... Feeling overwhelmed by work and stuff that needs to be done at home..... Worrying about my baby boy who is definitely not a baby anymore :( Lamenting over the stupid drama that occurs in a small town..... missing the place I call 'home'. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe it's just seasonal mood disorder. Or maybe, just maybe - God's tapping me on the shoulder telling me it's time to crawl back into His palm and let Him love me.
Somehow I have managed to link this blog to my facebook page and I have been unsuccessful in figuring out how I did that so that I can undo it. I really don't want the whole world seeing my blog.... It's too transparent and too personal at times. It is meant only for the select few - those whom I know love me anyway - even when my thoughts, feelings, etc are less than stellar. So that has been my excuse for not writing.... I don't want to clutter my facebook page with anything more than a few little quips about my day.
So I suppose I will work on getting the link deleted somehow, but in the meantime I guess the facebook world will get to know more than they really wanted to know about me. That is, if I can blog truthfully knowing it may still get blasted out for all the world to see.
What I'm dealing with now? Wondering if some friendships I've formed are real.... Feeling overwhelmed by work and stuff that needs to be done at home..... Worrying about my baby boy who is definitely not a baby anymore :( Lamenting over the stupid drama that occurs in a small town..... missing the place I call 'home'. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe it's just seasonal mood disorder. Or maybe, just maybe - God's tapping me on the shoulder telling me it's time to crawl back into His palm and let Him love me.
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