The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I think most of us desire to be "good" people. We want to say and do the right things, be considerate and respectful, find the right balance between personal and work time, and build meaningful relationships. While most of us want that, we often fall short. We also often desire to be just a little bit bad.... not in a way that might hurt anyone but in a way that would satisfy our inner bad girl.

But just what criteria are we using to define "good"? Are we looking outside ourselves for this? Are we basing our perception of good on what those around us think? And how do we classify bad? Is it against the 10 commandments or what your mother always said? Or do both these ideas come from within? Are good and bad completely different concepts for you than they are for me? Do we know ourselves well enough to recognize the good and the bad or are we afraid to face the truth?

I think I've been facing a lot of truth lately. I have been completely transparent, not only with myself but with several others who know me. I fear being perceived as a Debbie Downer and don't want to riddle others with my negativity. Many times I overcompsate with optimism. Is that being fake? I'm hoping it just means I'm looking for silver linings. I am reminded of a quote similar to this: If you can't change your situation, change the way you think about it. But is that denying your self? Sometimes I push my feelings to the background because I think they are negative. There is intense pressure to be a glass half full girl. But often, those feelings are valid and I should not only acknowledge them but embrace them! The more I ignore, the more likely I am to compensate with innappropriate actions.

But what about the ugly? What do you do when you have feelings you know are just plain horrible - not just by God's standards, but also the world's standards and even your own standards? Every person has a dark side - I don't care how Susie Sunshine they are. All of us have thoughts now and then we could never admit to anyone and sometimes would rather to refuse to acknowledge ourselves. However, these thoughts are often SOS cries and need to be analyzed. We need to love ourselves enough to address them. Instead of fearing them, indulge for just a minute but keep the logic in place. FEEL. Let yourself FEEL. Before you do this though, learn to accept yourself the way you are, give yourself the freedom to be real, love yourself enough to feel safe and secure in all your good, bad and ugly. Quit the comparisons and just be comfortable with you.

I for one, am going to quit trying to be the people pleaser all the time. I need a little time to love myself because I'm seeing some really ugly stuff in me right now. Often when a child acts out, showing them a little love and attention is all they need. I am now that child. I'm acting out. I need to turn inward for awhile.
Is it selfish? Some would see it that way - but I think those are the ones that haven't taken the time to truly get to know and love themselves. It's only by loving yourself that you can truly love and serve others.

Dilated.

There is a first time for everything and today I experienced one of those firsts.... I had my eyes dilated. I didn't expect much. Just a very routine exam. Guess I didn't really understand what all the doc can see when he does that! I knew it allowed him to see inside my eye, but I didn't know that it tells him not just about your optical health, it also can show signs of other health concerns. He can see the optic nerve and the blood vessels that lead to it. If the blood vessels don't look right in the eye, there is likely another problem elsewhere in the body. He can also see the retina - which is the part of the eye that helps you focus and see with visual clarity.

Dilation does not hurt. It does not blind you. It just makes it harder for you to focus on small things like text for a short while. It is a minor inconvenience but necessary for the doctor to check the general health of your vision.

Yes I realize my fascination with a routine eye exam is somewhat unusual and I was taken aback by that fact myself. But the more I thought about what dilation does for the eye doctor, I began to think that perhaps it's what God is doing to me right now.

For quite some time, I've been highly distracted and have lacked focus. I'm not really hurt and definitely not blind but there are certain things that lack clarity in my life. Maybe God is doing a check - looking at the blood vessels inside to show me where I may have other health issues in my soul. Looking at my spirtual retina to see why I may not have the spiritual clarity I need. It is a little more than a minor inconvenience right now but hopefully it is temporary.

I looked up dilate in the dictionary. The definition is to make wider or larger; cause to expand. I hope that is the result of my spiritual dilation and I know that whatever the result, God can provide the perfect remedy.

Peachy.

16 years ago today, I held a little baby girl with black fuzzy hair in my arms for the very first time. She came to me after an incredibly difficult and long 9 month journey. But as I touched her soft pink skin and counted her 10 tiny toes and 10 dainty fingers, I knew that every day of sickness and pain had been worth it. God knew I needed her as much as she needed me.

Her infancy was no bed of roses. She rarely slept and was colicky and cranky. She tried every last strand of patience I had. But somehow, through it all, my love for her not only provided patience but deepened with every rudely awakened hour. Eventually the terror subsided and she and I began to click. She became my
sidekick, my girlie, my source of laughter and joy on a daily basis.

Today is no different. She still has moments where she tries every last strand of patience I have but overall she still brings me laughter and joy on a daily basis. I am in awe when I look at her and think about all she is already doing with her young life. I marvel in the fact that she's mine. I take no credit for her intelligence and talent because I believe that drive comes from within. God has wonderful plans in store for her and I can't wait to see all He intends to do with her life. I wonder if Mary felt as humbled as I do when she looked at Jesus? I know that's a bit extreme but I am incredibly honored that God chose me to be this child's mother. I am even more honored that she looks to me for love and support.

With each new step toward independence that she takes, I experience a twinge of apprehension and fear. Not only is she venturing into this dangerous world, she is inching even closer to adulthood. She will not be at home much longer and will soon be on her way to the future she is destined to know. I am both excited and sad - yet I know it must happen. I feel God's hand upon her and I know He will be guiding her every step. And yet.... I long to hold that little hand one more time as she crosses the street, long to sing one more lullaby while rocking her to sleep, long to smell that baby shampooed hair and hear her chitter chatter as she reads aloud.

But yet - I wave to her as she drives off in her little green Mazda with a forced smile upon my face and a tiny tear descending from my eye....

The answer

So... if you've been reading my thoughts, you know I've been waiting for an answer and God has been silent. You also may know that over the past week, I've had a tremendous amount of time for thought and reflection. God finally spoke. At first His answer made perfect sense. He didn't give me all the info however. I've been asking alot of whys - like 3 year olds often do. Why this, why that? The main "why" I was struggling with was where He gave the answer - but He didn't tell me what do with that answer or how to act. So I did what I thought made sense. And I thought I would be ok with that. I thought it was the right thing to do. Never act without clear direction. It will hurt you.

I know now that my action was not necessarily what needed to be done - not yet anyway. There were a series of events that led to that realization. The first one was a strike of irony I can't explain in this blog. Something from the past that came back and hit me like a load of bricks. Then a whole flood of emotion, followed by calm, followed by a storm, followed by numbness. And then that whole lump in the pit of my stomach feeling that would not go away. My action obviously did not lead to peace - it lead to turmoil.

It is beginning to occur to me that I can't always live life based on what makes sense or is logical. Life is not based on logic. God does not always use reason or rationality for His greater good. We see it every day - miracles happen and never are they laced with a smidge of logic. I try so hard to be practical and do the right thing - but sometimes what I think is right is actually wrong. Maybe it's ok to go a little crazy now and then and defy logic and just let yourself feel....

So I guess God gave me a partial answer - which is good. He told me why. AND I'm SO THANKFUL for that why. I feel like I can quit searching in that area. But as to the what, when and how - I just have to rely on Him some more and know that in His precious timing, He will reveal to me the actions to be taken and then give me a peace about them. Am I still a bit uneasy? Of course! I am in uncharted territory. I am afraid. Afraid of the feelings, the uncertainty, the consequences. Risk. But God has my back. I'm trusting Him in that. and I'm trusting Him also to have the backs of those I love.

Forced reflection

So I had this trip to KC planned for several weeks. I was looking forward to it - counting the days. I had a nagging fear it would get changed or cancelled but I was wrong....sort of. I arrived as planned today and the week has gone off without a hitch so I was super pumped about that. But about an hour after I got here, down came the snowflakes - BIG ones! And it is still snowing - BIG time.

Instead of experiencing the excitement of exploring a new place, I am holed up in my hotel room. Remarkably, I am not too upset about it. Sure I'm a little bummed but it seems as if I needed this time for reflection. Life has been dealing me some tricky cards lately and I have just been sweeping them off to the side thinking I will take care of them later. It is becoming more apparent that I can't simply put things off but that I need to address them - head on. Decisions must be made but I am not equipped to handle them yet. I need more info. I need to study a bit more, listen a bit more, PRAY alot more.

So I think I will take this time to get some of the heaviness I feel off my chest. To figure out where I stand. Absorb the feelings I have and decide just what to do with them. OH - and psych myself up for the drive to work tomorow morning in KC traffic and SNOW! Yup - I'm shakin in mah boots on that one! BUT - I know once I tackle that, I will feel a great sense of accomplishment and courage. And THAT is exactly what I need right now :)

It's my day off so I"m going to rant a little.

Many many random things go through my mind on a daily basis but lately I have been thinking about the definition of sin. Who decided what is and isn't sin? Yes - I know - I have the pat Sunday school answers. The Bible is the ultimate word of God and so on and so forth. And...I'm not trying to be sacreligious here but --- I have sort of a problem with that. I do believe the Bible is the word of God but it is interpreted in 5000 different ways by each person who reads it. Take 5 men off the street and have them read the same passage. Each one will get a different meaning out of it.

My last blog was about finding God in the midst of a tattoo parlor. Someone commented about how they have found God in a multitude of unexpected places more so than they ever found Him in a church. Now that's just sad. But you know what? It can be so true. I've noticed the happy hour crew tends to be more of a family than the church people I know. I even know a group that meets at the bar every Wednesday night and call it "church". There is a closeness there that supercedes what we are doing in our churches. Maybe there's no fear of judgement. Maybe its the alcohol. Whatever it is, we as Christians need to find it. We are missing the mark!

And then... I think of people. Many Christians I know don't have a clue what it means to mimic the love of Christ. Church is the last place some would go to find comfort or solace in the midst of a crisis. They'd rather talk to the bartender or the hairdresser or the tattoo artist. We tend to look down at the gay and lesbian community for the lifestyle but they often have a better grasp of God's love than we do. Yes - I struggle with the lifestyle but only because I don't understand it. Who am I to say they are wrong? Perhaps my view has changed because my brother is gay but I also know many other homosexual individuals that display the love of God in their lives more than any straight guy I know!

So I really wish people would stop compartmentalizing God. I really wish people would quit assuming they *know* what is sin and what isn't. That is not our job. Our job is to display the love the Christ in our lives and accept all people for who they are and love them. Love them to Christ! And look for God....look everywhere! He is everywhere - literally. He is in the grocery store, the liquor store, the bar, the strip club, the tattoo parlor and the street corner. He is also in my life, the lesbian across the street's life, the gay hairdresser's life, and the life of that guy who is a different religion that you.

And in this blog. And even at the Golden Globe awards last night when that weirdo made the comment at the end (and thank you to God for making me an atheist). That guy needs the love of God - he just doesn't realize it yet. Someone will show him - and that someone will probably be the guy you'd least expect.

Inked!

I have thought about tattoos for a long time. I don't have a problem with them at all - in fact I think some of them are really beautiful. I do, however, think that one has to give very careful consideration to what they want permanently etched onto their person. While there are removal methods, they are expensive and painful and I'm not convinced they work entirely. There always seems to be a shadow of the former image....

In considering the possibility of my own tattoo, I began to consider how some of my decisions in essence have already been tattooed upon my heart and/or brain. Some of them beautiful... some of them notsomuch. None of them were ever considered before they happened! In fact, it's just now dawning on me that I have some control over what I let be inked into my heart and soul.

I know there are things that will happen and are beyond my control that will stay with me for life. Those things - even the painful ones - are good reminders of both joyous events and lessons learned. However there are some things that I etched in myself - by bad choices - and unfortunately those pictures are not so pleasing to the eye.

God is the ultimate laser tattoo removal specialist and He works wonders with this type of permanent ink. Unfortunately, our memory is never erased entirely and there are always shadows of decisions gone bad. However, going forward, I at least understand better the permanency of my decisions and hopefully the shadows of my past will be reminder enough to make better choices in the future.

Bet you never thought God might speak to you in a tattoo parlor eh?

Listening to the Quiet

So last night as I was asking why, I sat still for a minute and tried to quiet my inner 2 year old. I was quiet... and still.... and I didn't fall asleep right away. I listened. I heard the activities of the house and I heard my breathing and I heard a few of my thoughts but then I blocked all of that out. Before I began my prayer, I found quiet... I found peace.... and for that moment, even though He did not speak, I found God.

He still is not speaking to me about the particular issue for which I need answers, but He is here,with me, all the time. He puts His loving arms around me and holds me in such a way that I know everything is as it should be at this point in time. He does not move me to act but seems to hold me right where I am in a stance of comfort. And even though there are no words, I feel His presence is His way of communicating that there is absolutely nothing for me to do right now. He has ME in His hands and He knows what I need. He will work out everything in His time, not mine. He will provide the desires of my heart even if they are not what I think they are or not what I think I want.

I don't really understand why He would allow me to go on living in this state of uneasiness but I feel He is trying to calm me in a way.... I *do* trust Him but it is hard to not ask Him to just hurry up and fix this situation or hurry up and fix me.

So when I finally feel that I am able to request of Him, I simply ask for discernment. Discernment to know when to act and when to be still. Discernment in the words I should say and when to say them or when to keep them inside. Discernment to know what is true and what is false in this tricky game of life. Discernment in what is beginning and what might need to end.

He knows what I will do even before I do.... just wish He could tell me now and give fair warning before I make too many life altering errors.

Why ask why?

I spend alot of time asking God why. I guess I lean more toward the concept of fate than of random happenings. I do believe God allows certain things to happen for a reason or brings certain people into our lives at very definite times for a purpose..... but not always. Sometimes it is simply by chance that we come across something or someone. Right?

Most of the time we don't know why something happens until much later - sometimes years later. In the early years of dealing with an autoimmune disease, I spent so much time in the "why me" phase. I still don't fully understand why but as I've learned to cope with the disease, I've been able relax and accept what I've been dealt. There have been lots of advances in medicine since the early days and I'm blessed to have found a medication that keeps me in somewhat normal mode. This week, I got a phone call out of the blue from a friend who had been newly diagnosed with a similar disease. I think I was able to give her some good information to help her accept and deal with the plight she now faces. She is not the first. I have been able to talk with several others and this common bond has helped form valuable friendships that might not have formed had I not been through it.

That's just one example of a fate thing.... But what about the random things? Did I think my autoimmune disease was random then and then later decide it was fate? What is happening now that is random and what is happening now that is fate? Does it really even matter? I don't know why I think about this so often. Really - if its fate, it's obviously not for me to know now. God reveals that in His time. I bet God gets tired of me asking why. Maybe I should add that other annoying question we hear often as parents.... "How much longer til we get there?" since I'm obviously on a never ending journey.

Will He ever get me raised? It's not looking too promising.... I'm still not past the terrible twos!

BREATHE...

Lyrics from George Straight:
Life’s not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain’t what it’s all about
Ya just might miss the point
Try’n to win the race
Life’s not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away

My daughter is the country music fan in our household so we listen often in the car. And although I'm not necessarily a fan, I do love the stories most country songs tell and the lyrics to most of them are fairly meaningful. Typically I like the female musicians but every once in awhile one of the men will sing something that gets to me and today, the aha moment came from George Straight.

It occurred to me after hearing the lyrics above that my life right now is just a series of breaths I'm taking....one...right after....another. Nothing really is taking my breath away. In fact, when I look back to a time that I felt more together and more content, it was near a time when I was near one of those moments that take your breath away - either right before or right after.

I realize those moments can't be constant. We need times of slow and steady breathing. What I question now is - am I just not seeing the breathless moments or are they really not there? Can I create them somehow? Or is it simply just not time for one? Somehow I feel I'm craving that. But is it a false hope?

Do I go looking for that roller coaster ride or jump off and make a bold career decision? Or do I just wait this all out and focus on the slow and steady breathing that I've been doing all along. Maybe focus more inwardly and even pull out a few practices from yoga - breathing ever MORE slowly and MORE deeply in order to calm this nagging storm inside me.

At this point, I really have no choice. God knows when those moments that take your breath away should be. I guess I will trust Him to provide them when He knows best and in the meantime, try out a little yoga breathing in order to calm my anxiety.

Tag, You're It

Tag team parenting. Sounds like a reasonable concept, right? Shared duties. When one can't be there, the other takes over. The one who is not on kid duty is either working or having leisure time. The other parent is having quality moments with the children. It should keep both parents from being too stressed out, right? Maybe....

But isn't that what divorced parents do?

Apparently some married parents do it also. And although the concept looks good on paper - it can kill a relationship. And quite frankly, I've had a little too much of it lately. I realize there are times it can't be helped, but when it becomes the norm, then I believe that's a problem.

Not sure what to do about it just yet. A little "Come to Jesus" meeting is in order. Although....I'm afraid we've had a few too many of those lately.

I didn't get married to be lonely or to join a tag team parenting group. Don't get me wrong - I am very blessed to have a husband who is willing to take his turn - but I'd rather be a regular team and not play tag. I'd like to have time together - maybe even without the kids.

If we keep playing tag, I'm afraid that next time I'm "It" - I may just quit tagging and move on to the next game.

Corners

Corners are really annoying. I remember being sent to the corner when I was little. They are a pain in the rear when painting a room. If you live on a corner lot, you have a lot more edging to do. But the worst, the absolute worst is being backed into a corner. It's like being trapped.... nowhere to go. I, apparently, can't even talk myself out of a corner.

So today, I'm just going to sit in my corner and wait it out. I did the only thing a girl can do when in that situation. Total. Brutal. Honesty. The problem is I don't have any explanation for feeling the way I do. I don't know how to change how feel. I've tried - in vain for more than 4 years. Much prayer and effort has been given but God is still silent. Is this a lesson He wants me to learn on my own? Why doesn't He intervene?

I crave change yet I am not ready for it. The time is not right. However, I fear that the time will never be right. And why should I fear that? Why do I want this change? I have everything here that I always wanted.... I don't feel disappointed exactly but I guess I feel that maybe I wanted the wrong things? What is the basis for what were my hopes and dreams in life and why now do I doubt that? This is a struggle that can't be resolved in a blog for sure - but in life,with time, maybe.

So for now I guess - the corner may be a safe place for me. It is my consequence of many mistakes along the way. It is where I must think about what I did and about how I need to change. Time Out. I can't hurt anyone else while I'm here and I can't get distracted by things I've been told not to do. I'm just not sure it was ever the most effective form of discipline but I guess it's better than a spanking.