Since I have this Four theme going I'm sticking with "for" words in my titles.... Kind of silly but they keep me on target. Last time I wrote sappy, sweet loving things in "FORE" and got hit right smack dab on the head - a few times at least. Perhaps I had just been hit on the head when I wrote that because it's just a bit ridiculous. After 4 years with someone who still doesn't make progress, you would think I would wake up and quit hoping but I think maybe I've been hit on the head (or in the heart) one too many times.
Why is this one area I don't want to give up control?
I've done so well in every other area trusting God with the outcomes, with my well being - understanding His will is SO much better than mine. But the thought of being alone for the rest of my life just fills me with so much sorrow. And it's dumb really, because it's not the end of the world and I actually like the solitude most of the time. I just don't understand why I pout about it so much. I need to let go of this desire but I'm not sure how.
And then there's the HE that's involved. He's changed my life forever. Perhaps part of God's plan in a way? But is HE supposed to be in my future? The indicators at this time are pointing to a big fat NO as they do often.
I have been blessed this year. So many prayers answered. So many worries resolved. So many fears relieved. If God has His hand upon me in these other areas, would He neglect me in this one? I think not. I think that I have to admit to being outside His will and set my will aside. He knows my heart, but He also knows best for me. Alone may be my best and if so, I need to learn to love it.
I am so grateful for His provision, mercy and grace. Greedily hanging on to this one thing does not line up with my gratitude. There is a Proverb that states to those who are given much will have much required of them. It's time for me to let go and quit this forgery of blessing and call it what it is.... my will over God's.
It's not until I do that that I can forge ahead. 4 years. Not wasted. Treasured, always..... but no longer stuck.
