It's all about me....

I keep thinking of that Carly Simon song - "You're so vain". You know it - sing it with me....You're so vain, I bet you think this song is about you - you're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you, don't you, don't YOOOOOUUUUU? Who wants to actually admit that? But in all honesty - who isn't vain? I include men in that but my blog is more centered around girls/women. I've been doing alot of introspection lately and considering what effects my thoughts and actions have on my teenage daughter. I, of course, happen to think she is beautiful just the way she is and don't always understand why she worries so much about appearance. However when I look back, I know I was the same way. In fact, my obsession with appearance goes back even further than adolescence.

I remember being teased in first grade for being fat and going home in tears because of it. My mom, who had the best of intentions, took me to Weight Watchers as a solution. While I understand the reasoning behind it, I think it somewhat skewed my self perception for the rest of my life. I think from that time forward, I decided that women have value based on beauty. This is certainly not a unique concept. In fact, I think most little girls are taught this from an early age. I don't want to blame Barbie here, but she certainly isn't plain..... And then there are other little girl activities - playing dress up, playing with make-up, etc.

This struggle of mine became a recurrent theme in my life. I've had various ups and downs with my weight and every time that scale inches up, my self worth plummets. For 12 years, my scale read well over 200 lbs - 237 at my highest and during that time, I felt not only of little worth but completely invisible. Was I vain? Yes. I was just as vain then as I am now only in a different way. I was embarrassed that I had gotten that big and constantly worried about what people thought of me. Am I less vain now that I've lost the weight? Ha! Do I have more confidence? Perhaps. I feel it easier to talk to people but I'm also more approachable. I have no more walls up. I don't feel in danger of being hurt. But still....that nagging little voice in my head reminds me - it's never enough. There is always some body flaw I can find. I never met my real goal weight even though I lost 80 lbs. I keep gaining and losing the last 10. Even if I got my body PERFECT, there would be something about my appearance that I'm ready to change - makeup, hair, etc. Will I ever be completely at ease with who I am? Not by my current standards I won't. My current standards are set by the world. And that's where I've gone astray. Not only have a gone astray in this area, I've led my daughter there.

So now begins the work I should have started on years ago. I've always known my standards are much higher but yet more forgiving than the world. My standards should not be physical. Honestly - what does that matter? Looks matter to this world - yes. I get that. I don't believe I should stop wearing makeup, quit doing my hair or putting effort into what I wear. But I have to take the emphasis off that. It's time to focus on what has substance. I am created by God. He created me the way He wanted me. He does want me to treat my body as a temple but He is more interested in my mind than my body. My body will go to ashes when I'm gone, but my soul will live on and right now my soul needs work. I can beautify my soul by what I allow into my mind. My mind should not be filled with ME - it should be filled with God's word, with God's love, with God's purpose. Once I figure this out, the rest should fall into place.

Proverbs 31:30 - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

If anyone should know this, I should. I've lived it. Do I want to be remembered for being beautiful on the outside or beautiful on the inside? The inside is more important and all the while I've been working on the outside, I've let things go on the inside. Ideally a balance of the two would be nice. But I've got to make some major renovation on the inside before I can even begin to try to balance the two out. Hard work ahead - but necessary. Especially with my beautiful teenage daughter watching.

random thoughts on a funeral day.

I attended a funeral today - a Catholic ceremony - so rather lengthy. I also had a 30 minute drive one way to get there. Needless to say, I had plenty of time to think. I didn't know the woman - only her daughter but any time I'm at a funeral I find myself questioning why..... She had battled cancer for quite some time and suffered quite a bit in her last days. In my mind her children are still so young to be without her and her grandchildren may not remember her. I also thought of a family who is struggling right now because the father has lost his job. When I arrived home and checked email, there was a prayer request for a couple whose unborn baby was found to have no heartbeat. So much pain and heartache - and all in the life of others while I remain in the status quo. Not to say I haven't had my share of difficulty. It just pales in comparison to what others seem to go through.

So why does life seem to give some a double whammy of misfortune while others just glide through with very little effort? Why has God blessed me as much as He has while others struggle so hard for very little. I wish I understood. I wish at times, that I could give up some of my abundance to help ease the burden of others. I realize I can do this financially of course, but sometimes it's so very hard to know how to help someone emotionally or physically. It's not really enough to offer your assistance in my opinion because rarely do people ask for what they need. Sometimes it's because they don't even know what they need. I can empathize but really what does that do? I can be there - just like I was at the funeral today and I suppose that is a comfort but it just doesn't seem like enough.

And then - though we think of others, we pray for them, we hurt for them - our lives go on and we get distracted and we forget. We go about our work and our family life and regrettably become too busy to remember those who may still be hurting. We think about how we should send a card, then don't do it. Such a shame. I hope that I can change that about myself. I love my people...... I need to do a better job of showing it.