Who gets me?

I'm still pondering the mysterious ways that God works in our lives.  More often than not, He works behind the scenes and we never even realize what's going on.......  until much later when He chooses to reveal it to us.  He works in the hearts of those who love us, who pray for us and who may not even tell us that they do this.  He works in our hearts and sometimes through our emotions - creates desires in us that we would have never expected had we been living for ourselves.  He also works in our times of discontent and stirs within us a desire for change even when we have no idea what that change needs to be.  Sometimes He even works in us through our sin and our mistakes and shows us how to learn from them..... if we seek Him and let Him.  And often even when we aren't seeking Him or asking Him - He is still doing His thing....working with patience, hoping, pursuing, wooing us.  He desires us, longs for us and craves our attention.

I don't understand what God is doing in my life right now.  He is being mysterious and asking me to trust....  I am often embarrassed at my situation - that I'm divorced, that I can't stay organized, that I'm wishy washy at times and that I lack confidence in certain situations.  I often still feel like a little girl seeking approval and very much NOT the mature, insightful woman I'd like to be.  I often feel like no one understands me or could comprehend what my mind goes through each day or even worse - that others judge me and see only my flaws.  And reality is - all of that IS happening!  Some misunderstand, some judge, some feel sorry for me - that's just how we are built as humans.  We are emotional and even when that emotion doesn't make sense God still uses it.  God gets me.  God wants to use me.  God wants me to not ask why or how or especially what will anyone else think.  So.... even I don't need to "get it".  He doesn't ask for me to understand, He just asks for me to obey.

So I continue my journey and I walk even further into the wilderness.  The season of Lent is upon us and this year I am walking.  I'm also giving up something important which I may write about at a later date but I'm adding in something new and devoting time to walk.  Sounds pretty elementary and I don't understand it just yet - but God asked me to walk - with Him - and with my son Drew and sometimes with friends.  I believe that by Easter He will help me understand how this walking is going to build me spiritually.  Jesus went to the wilderness to find out who He is as He relates to God.  Maybe that's what God is doing with me as well.

Who is Amy?  I lost her for a long time but with each step, I begin to see her again.  This time without rose colored glasses or behind smoke and mirrors.  This time - with a little of my maker's view.  Who gets me better than the one who made me?  He is the only source we need to find ourselves.

Phillipians 1:6 - There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

The Best for Last

I've always been a big believer in finishing strong.  I often have a little difficulty getting started or even staying engaged in a project or goal but when I become committed to something and see it through to the end, the result is a quality completion.  Somewhere in the midst of a project, I become more and more enamored with the goal and begin to put more of myself into it.  It requires great focus and drive to get me to this point otherwise distraction and discouragement get the best of me and I lose sight of the commitment.

Another blog I read this morning turned me on to the story of Jesus turning water into wine.  I had to read this a couple of times......  God was telling me something but it was a little different spin on the main point of the blog.  I had to go straight to the scripture and focus so that I could interpret just what He wanted me to take to heart.  How many times have I read this very story and not thought a thing about it?  But today was time!  Today the message was for me.  I marvel at how scripture works this way!

I am 40.  I love being 40.  Why?  It seems like a new beginning in a way.  I have lived about half my life already.  The first 20 years turning into an adult.  The last 20 years learning how to be an adult. There have been many bumps and bruises along the way and I've had great difficulty getting started and staying engaged.  Honestly, I've had trouble even establishing a goal.  But something about turning 40 has inspired me.  I feel that I'm just getting turned on to what life is really about and I feel like I'm on to something.  I'm excited about it!  For the first time ever, I feel like I have a clean slate and I can start over - this time with focus and purpose.

Just like in the story (John 2) I was running out of wine.  I was too busy enjoying the party to really even notice.  But someone was Mary for me - I have no idea whom (and this may have been several people).  This "Mary" went to Jesus for me and let him know......  that girl over there is so busy with the party she doesn't even know she is running out of wine.  Jesus told her it wasn't time.  But Mary knew that Jesus would not ignore her plea.  When He was ready, He told His servants what to do.  These servants who care so deeply about me and about this party of life - went and filled the jars with water - plain old water.   I'm sure they had no idea why - why would he want to fill with water?  And even when He told them to take the pitcher to the host they may have thought Him crazy.  What good will that do to give the host water?  But our Lord works in mysterious ways - sometimes with plain old water.  When the host tasted the water he replied as below:

 ^9-10When the host tasted the water that had become wine (he didn't know what had just happened but the servants, of course, knew), he called out to the bridegroom, "Everybody I know begins with their finest wines and after the guests have had their fill brings in the cheap stuff. But you've saved the best till now!" 

I am beginning to taste the wine in my life.  And it is so much sweeter now!  I have spent my earlier years being wrapped up in the party and then questioning the water I've been provided - never realizing that my Lord knew what He was doing all along.  I didn't even have faith enough to see it.  This came from the Mary in my life and the servants who obeyed!   Now I see!  He has saved the best for last and this is all I needed to keep on working for the prize and finish strong.  This is just one more way He loves us and with just enough mystery to keep us intrigued.

Strong, Reasonable, Confident Woman..... Not this chick!

Inner growth becomes hampered when we cut off and deny our emotional needs. A sense of emotional vulnerability is something many women find disturbing. Vulnerability frightens us. To cover the fear, we create a slick surface maturity, and we bury the inner self.

I'm not sure who wrote this quote....  I stole it from Facebook and I know the person who posted it had to have copied it from someone else (gosh, that's not very nice of me to assume that is it?)

Nevertheless, it rings so very true and is phrased in a way that I have never considered.  What I have fought so hard to be over the years - a strong, reasonable, confident woman is exactly what has made me a weak, broken, vulnerable little girl.  In trying to be that mature woman, I pushed aside my emotional needs.  I tried to do it all and model perfection.  I tried to hide my flaws or worse, ignore them.  One of the worst things I could think of was to be needy.  I saw that as selfish I think.....

However, it's clear now that what I saw as selfish was actually self awareness and I fought with everything I had to deny that was a need.  Self intimacy was a foreign term to me.  I remember when I first heard about it....  honestly, I thought naughty thoughts. haha.....  but really it's the purest, most basic form of love there is.   It's even Biblical: Mark 12:30 - Love your neighbor as YOURSELF.  What that means to me is that you have to love yourself BEFORE you can really love your neighbor.  You can't love yourself if you bury her under a whole bunch of unmet emotional needs.

So once again, I am getting confirmation that I'm on the right road and once again I see that it really is the road less traveled.  It's scary to be real.  It makes us vulnerable.  And quite honestly there will be times that we will come under attack for it.  It is not for everyone and definitely not for the faint at heart.  It requires courage and FAITH.  

And even though I haven't seen it yet, I believe the risk is so worth the reward.  It may take me years and years to truly see where this road leads but I just don't think you can beat the adventure it will provide.  There is no need to fear vulnerability.  The only risk I see is potential hurt from the attacks I may face.  But if I've learned anything over the last year, I've learned that hurt makes me stronger, gives me wisdom and directs my confidence where it belongs which is in the arms of God.

Ironically it is this very vulnerability that we fear so much that actually gives us the strength we need to keep truckin on this journey called life.  Don't fight it or it will fight back and end up burying you in the process.

 

 

 

Foggy

Yesterday morning I had a very long, dark, foggy drive into the office.  There were moments where the fog would lift or appear thinner and there were places the fog was so thick I could barely see one car length in front of me.

It occurred to me that this is just like my life at the moment.

I know we are always plagued with some degree of uncertainty but lately the uncertainty in my life has hit a very thick, foggy place.  It's not easy trying to drive under these conditions.  Just like on the highway, I have to proceed with caution.  I can't see what's ahead.  If I allow even one distraction, the after effect could be fatal.  I can't look at my phone, or down at the radio, or even off into the side road.  There could be a car ahead that I might miss, or a deer or some other type of animal on the road - or a roadblock.  If I don't keep my eyes focused straight ahead, I could wreck!  It's intense.  But yet, there are also moments where the fog dissipates and the sun begins to peek through if only for just a moment.  I can't rest in these moments for the fog may be lingering around the next curve....

So just like when I'm driving - I see now that I must focus on God and not let the distractions of life lure me away from what I hope to accomplish.  It is a time of intensity but also a time when rays of His Sonshine come through to let me know this fog will lift eventually.

I made it to the office yesterday and even made it all the way home with no wrecks.  I had a few near misses but ultimately I got home in one piece.  The fog did eventually go away and we ended up with a nice day....  a very nice day that ended with circle time.  I'm thankful for my circle, thankful I can drive and even thankful for the fog - because without foggy patches I might think myself invicible and I don't ever want to be in that place.  I like being dependent.  I like giving Jesus the wheel :)

1 Corinthians 13:12
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

Full Circle

I'm not a big supporter of looking back usually but today marks a day worth doing this for me.  Today marks an answer to prayer.  Last year I was in a state turmoil and conflict - feeling unable to love or receive love in the proper way.  I felt desperate and dysfunctional and very, very unhealthy.  Life began to unravel shortly after....

Many bumps and bruises later I can truly say I'm now stronger for it.  This year has been a fight!  At times I knew what I was fighting for and at other times I didn't.  A few days ago, I posted about divorce being war but how I intended to put a different kind of spin on that.  I intend to choose love and compassion over anger and hatred.  It's a battle that doesn't have to end in total devastation.  Some battles, when fought properly have the ability to foster growth and change for the greater good.

But the fight is never over.  Love itself is war.  It's a battle we all face.  It's where we are all attacked at one time or another - whether by friends, family or significant others.  The world twists it into ways we don't understand or turns it into blatant lies that throw us off course.  I believe it is the most powerful attack we face and we face it daily.  Why?  Because it's also our most powerful weapon!  It is the key to our joy, peace and fulfillment and if the world can disarm us or corrupt our ability to love, we miss out on those blessings.

So I am determined not to go unarmed any longer.  Last year I was vulnerable and attacked.  This year I am clothed in full armor.  I'm ready to fight.  Not only do I have the most powerful weapon on my side, I have the shield of brokenness to go with it.  The scars of a previous battle have only made me stronger and more focused.  This time I have a different enemy and also a different ally.  Things have come full circle - and only because of answered prayer.

Instead of hearts today, I see circles....  Circles have no end.  They are forever.  Just like love.

I'm no Bahama Mama

So let's talk vacation.

2 destinations - both very different.

First one:  lay on the beach in the Bahamas.  Total R&R.  No adventure.  No challenge.  Just easy going, laid back living.

Second one:  Yellowstone National Park.  Get back to nature, Conquer the wild, Camping, Hiking, River rapids.  Lots of adventure, exploration, and activity involved.  Challenging, action packed and eventful.

Which one would you choose?

There is no right answer here.  Either would be a nice break from routine.  However, one is totally restful and easy.  The other - somewhat complicated, yet rewarding.  The benefits are each very different.

Now - instead of vacation, think of women.  Most definitely we all have our category.  One type of woman will provide restful enjoyment and the other rewarding adventure.  One is easy - the other may be intimidating.

I'm most definitely NOT the Bahamas.  If you're cool with that, then your rewarding vacation awaits :)

One Last Song

I just wanted to post the lyrics to this song here so that I would never lose them. 

This was the last song by the Oklahoma All State Women's Choir in their concert

last month.  It was a day that will be forever etched on my heart....   a day of 

brokenness and sorrow, but also of awakening. You don't mourn unless 

something was precious to you.  It's the way we honor our memories. 

And this song was a proper goodbye.....  

"One Last Song (and then we part)
 
Come let us sing
One last song before we part.
Sing of joy and hope and sorrow
Of the true things in our hearts.
Choose for me an ancient master
Of a wonderful new-made song,
Just one condition I impose
Is this- make sure it's long.
For when the musics over
And the last chords echo fades,
Of all the time we spent together
We go our separate ways.
 
Let all our friendships never falter
And all our memories never fade.
Of all the time we spent together
And all the music we have made.
The uncounted hours spent with you
Hold a place deep in my heart.
Come lets raise a song together, 
One last song, and then we part

What is Courageous?

So I had a moment of frustration yesterday and was brought back to reality by a sweet friend.  I'm not here to retract my statements necessarily but maybe more so to clarify.

I had challenged my male readers to be strong and ahem, "Grow a pair" - but I did not clarify what I mean by that.  Yes - every woman wants to be sought after and fought for.  We love to be rescued and feel the arms of security in our lives.  But more than that we want our men to relate to us - to understand - to share their hopes, dreams, concerns.  We want them to be REAL and to show us their true authentic self.  We don't want the masks, the persona, the ego trip most men reveal to us.  We want to feel safe enough with them to be able to be naked - and I don't mean physically.  We want transparency.  It's easy for us when we trust someone - but we want it to go both ways.   In order for this to happen, men need to have the courage to show us their realness - their flaws, their fears.......  their heart.

I have learned that this is a rare event for a man to share his soul.  It is difficult enough for them with other men but maybe even more terrifying with a woman.  I wish that somehow I could communicate to them all how important this is for true intimacy.

So when I say "Step Up", I'm really asking you men to open up.  Don't be afraid to be real with the women in your life.  I promise we are much less critical than you might guess.  Why?  Because we are flawed and insecure as well - and just as I felt better knowing that Eve was not alone in her sin, the same principal applies to my messy inner self.  I just want to be able to share that with someone who also has his flaws.  I want to help him be a better man and receive help from him to be a better woman.  Isn't that the whole point of relationships anyway?  Isn't this why it wasn't good for man to be alone?

Adam didn't ask for Eve.  He didn't even know he wanted her.  One more example of how God knows our needs and wants even better than we know them ourselves.

The next time someone mentions courage, know that in a woman's eye it does not necessarily mean your ability to protect her or fight off enemies.  It means she wants you to show confidence enough in your true authentic self that you have no problem letting her see you "naked" and unashamed.

Cowards.

Not sure where to begin on this exactly.  I have some new thoughts to process.

Do you know where Adam was when Eve was being tempted by the serpent?  The Bible indicates he was right there with her.....  not just with her but CLOSE - like shoulder to shoulder - when all this was happening.  Yet obviously he was silent.  He did not speak up.  He did not try to stop her.  Why?  Was he afraid?  Was he as fascinated as Eve?  Was he just letting her lead?  OR was he afraid she would be mad at him if he stood up for what was right?

Learning this really has my mind spinning.  I've known for a long time that men and women think in entirely different ways on just about everything.  And I - even though Eve's sin was waaaaay before my time - have carried guilt about being a woman, a control freak, a manipulator just like Eve.  Oh of course, I've accepted God's grace in my life and I know I really don't have to carry that guilt but knowing that Adam was right there and didn't stop her eases my pain a bit.  I mean, in my mind, he is every bit as wrong!  HE DID NOT FIGHT FOR HER PURITY!

Isn't that what being a man is all about?  Aren't men supposed to watch out for us and protect us - even from ourselves at times?  Aren't they wired for the fight - and highly competitive?   Or..... are they really just big cowards?  WHY IS IT THAT WHEN THE PRESSURE IS ON THEY CAVE OR REFUSE TO STEP UP?

Sorry that I'm yelling.....  I'm feeling very let down but yet at the same time vindicated.  I don't own 100% of my mistakes when there was a man present watching me fall.  Yes - absolutely - I own my part and I did play a very big selfish part BUT I feel free from the burden of shame because I was not alone in my errors.

And then at the same time, I feel silly that this even matters.  The only thing that should matter is that God's grace is sufficient.  But somehow - it makes me feel a great sigh of relief knowing that I was not alone in my misunderstandings or misinterpretations of how life was supposed to be.

It is going forward that I can begin to live a life brand new - without hiding from God (like Adam and Eve both did after they ate the fruit).  When God seeks me I can step out, unashamed and be present where He wants me.  My confidence is being renewed and I get stronger each day that my relationship with Him is strengthened.  I feel powerful and strong.

And for the men out there that aren't stepping up, aren't fighting for their women, aren't being the men they were created to be - I feel sorrow and compassion.  If anyone can relate to feeling inadequate that would be me.  It would be easy to point the finger and place blame - but that certainly won't help them become the men that God intended.  Every ounce of me wants to yell at them - GROW A PAIR, but.....  then I remember the way I failed my man, my children, my friends and family - and I'm humbled.  I see that these men have to take their hurts, disappointments, and insecurities to God just like I did.  And I pray for them.  I love them.  And hope the confusion and inner conflict will be healed one day.  Be strong my sweet men !!!

Psalm 62:11
God said this once and for all; how many times Have I heard it repeated? "Strength comes Straight from God."

Divorce is War.

I have an uncle that says "divorce is war."  That statement certainly seems accurate in most cases - and even in my own case at times.  But war is funny.  Many times the soldiers that are sent out to fight end up feeling compassion for their enemies and begin trying to help them.  They also may begin to question the war and experience conflicting emotion about it.  Once they get into the thick of the battle, they begin to see where the US might have gone wrong and may even notice potential fixes to some of the problems.  But more so, they mourn over the loss of the relationship that was formerly congenial or the possibility of it being congenial in the future.

War is gruesome and messy and heartless.  It mars and maims the participants forever - not just the soldiers but the innocent bystanders as well.  War is intentional.  It involves one country trying to maintain control of a situation.  It's necessary in some cases but not necessary in many others.

War forgets about love.

I have been given a new challenge.  It's not about war.  It's about love.  I am going to try a different spin on the circumstance of divorce in my life.  I don't want to go to war even though its a natural tendency and first reaction.  No - even though it won't change my circumstance - I'm going to choose love, not war.  I'm tired of anger and hatred.  The situation I'm in will not be changed by either of those and will only be worsened until they are the only option.  Nope - I'm going to love my enemy.  Does that mean to pine for him and want him back?  No.  It simply means that I respect him and seek the best for him - even though it doesn't include me.

I will pray for my opponent - for his direction and leadership.  I will pray for common goals.  I may not talk to him daily or spend time with him but I will be pleasant and upbeat and try to encourage him when the opportunity arises.  I may not be his #1 ally but I can be an ally nonetheless.  Peace requires assertive discipline.  I won't be taken advantage of but I don't have to attack either.  The only way to love is to love self first and then others.  It's when I begin to doubt self that I begin to get combative.  There is no reason for this doubt - it's pointless and I'm secure no matter what life deals.  I often think love is not enough but that's wrong.  If we follow the model Christ gave us, love IS enough and it IS the answer.

As a soldier in this battle called life, I can be loyal to the cause but still love my opponent.  It's not the easy way to move forward, but in my mind it's the only way.

  Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. 

I Corinthians 13:3-7 


Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly . I Corinthians 13:13.

What I want

Because my life has taken the route of single living, I have been redirecting my thoughts to me, myself and I.  For the first time maybe ever - this is my life and I am the pilot.  I can go this direction or the other depending on my own whim at the given moment.   I can eat dinner or not eat dinner.  I can arrange my furniture the way I want, paint the walls any color I want, go to bed whenever I want, etc, etc.  At first this was uncomfortable for me.  It's my nature to defer to others.  However, I have begun settling in to this new way of thinking lately and letting it take hold.  Problem is, there are always consequences to selfish living.  There is a risk that you become all about me, myself and I - forever.

I don't want to be that girl.  Never have.  Why?  Because I'm fickle.  What I want one day will be entirely different the next.  I don't want to live strictly for me - that's shallow and empty.  I want to live for others, for my children, for someone special.  That is how the holes in my heart get filled.  Thing is, I can't effectively live for others without God's direction in my life.  I can't have a heart full of love without Him.  I can continue serving others and filling this hole or that, but it's not until I really defer to God that all those holes will fill.  When that happens, it won't matter if this person accepts me or rejects me.  I'll be able to love him not only out of sheer will or desire but because my heart is full with God's love.

So yes - during this time that I am single, my life is all about me.  But I can't be the true me without doing what God would have me do.  I can't listen to my mother or my friend or even my counselor because they all have a different opinion of who to love or not love.  None of them have the answer.  Even I don't have the answer yet.  All I know is that I trust my God.  He wants the best for me.  And if I keep doing that, eventually the human side of that will take shape and the answer will become clear.

This morning as I drove to work I got behind a slow car and began to get irritated.  As I sped around them, I shot a look over and my heart softened.  It was an elderly man in a cowboy hat driving his sweet little elderly wife to the doctor, or to see the grandkids, or just somewhere special that day - who knows?  All I know is that I teared up a little.  I want someone driving me to the doctor, or to see my grandkids, or just somewhere special.  I don't want to be the one driving myself.  But God patted me on the head and told me not to worry.  He's got me covered.  Whether I actually have that sweet little elderly man in my life one day or not, God's driving and he'll get me where I need to go.

Reality

I've tried so hard to be upbeat and positive in spite of my circumstances through last year and for the most part I've succeeded but I feel the need to share that I have my moments.....  moments of fleshy weakness where I just let it all out - or want to but don't, which is worse.  Transparency is becoming easier with each new day and so is independency BUT honestly, sometimes I just lose sight of the goal.    All my blogs are an attempt to work out my feelings in the most diplomatic way possible (since this is public, I must use a filter) but they also serve as a means for me to find my own life lesson in joy, sorrow, frustration, etc.  Usually that comes to me in the form of a Bible verse which I can tie in somehow.  Sorry to say, tonight I just don't have that in me.

This week leaves me drained - physically, spiritually and emotionally.  I dealt with a lot of disappointments but also a few really great highlights!  I don't want this to sound like Debbie Downerism at all - just want to be real.  I think it is the hills and valleys that did me in this week - there was no middle ground.  Something was either really great or really not and it's leaving my stomach in knots again.  I guess I am worrying and I need to quit.  The important thing is that hope has not left me.  Hope may have changed my viewpoints a bit, but its not gone and I need to reiterate to myself again that God's got this, God's got me - even when I'm less than enthusiastic about it.  I am right where He wants me at this given time.

The changes in my job will work out just fine.
The mistake in my checkbook will make me more careful.
Strained relationships will take care of themselves.
New friendships are a wonderful blessing!
I've got the greatest children on earth and they are healthy and happy!
I want for nothing, have more than I need and my wealth is in people that I love and love me back.

That's reality.  When put that way, reality looks pretty darn good.