The Party's Over

Turn out the lights, the party's over.....

It was a good one, but I'm ready for some rest.  The whole year has ended on a high note for me so I'm not at all complaining but I'm looking at the year ahead and starting to be on high alert for some major changes headed my way.  In order to conquer what's coming, I need to rest up.  

I'm not a big resolution maker but I do try to look at ways I can improve or things I can tweak in order to simplify life just a wee bit.  This year I'm keeping it uncomplicated - I just want to be whole.  My motto is the following verse:

People with their minds set on you,
   you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
   because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
   because in the Lord God you have a sure thing. (Isaiah 26:3-4)

There really isn't a scenario for which this doesn't apply.  It's all about patience, perseverance and faith.  I'm not going to act like it's always easy but the concept is simple - trust God.  Relinquish control and let go of things that distract.  When you finally realize how to do that, it is amazing how things actually fall right into place.  I've had good practice over the last year and my aim is to keep at it - just like the verse says.  I am the new Energizer bunny - I just don't quit!  I know a sure thing when I see it.

The Berries

Sometimes it's no accident that you wake up way before your alarm.  Sometimes there is a reason - and this morning I awoke to check Facebook.  Lo and behold I was not alone in the wee hours of this day!   A dear friend was also awake and that gave us a few precious moments to chat.  The topic - relationships.  It's funny how sometimes the fallout from the most toxic relationships can actually encourage the forming of some of the most precious genuine friendships.

This subject has been coming up over and over lately.  Maybe it's the holidays - they bring out the worst in people it seems.  So many hurtful things happen and not just from strangers!  We really have to work hard to keep from becoming corrupted by it.  Then all that junk has to be amplified even more by evil in this world.

Sometimes you just wonder - how in the world does God love that horrible person as much as He loves me?  or does He, really?  Does God have favorites and does He turn His back on people sometimes?

I believe He does.  I believe He loves even the evil ones as much as He loves His faithful.....  HOWEVER, His definition of love goes far beyond what we as humans can understand.   Obviously - how else could He give His son for us?  We could never do that.  He knows our limitations but we don't understand His capacity.  That being said, I do not believe He condones evil and I do believe that there is a point that He will turn away from us.

  I also believe He has favorites - and that all depends on our own efforts to establish a relationship with Him.  It's like how we have best friends, friends and acquaintances.  Our favorites are those who are closest to us - who make the effort to stay in touch, spend time with us, love us.  We know who our nearest and dearest are - just as God does.  It's up to us to make the effort with Him - because He always there, waiting on us.

The whole subject reminds me of strawberries.  I love me some strawberries!  The problem with strawberries is that they have a tendency to go bad - quickly - sometimes even before you get them home from the store!  Sometimes you can see the moldy part and remove the berry before it contaminates the whole batch.  But sometimes the moldy berry is in the middle and before you know it, the whole carton has gone bad.  Occasionally, you can trim of the moldy part and there is still a lot of good berry left but sometimes its a total lost cause.  If there is even one good berry left in the batch, I get it out of the carton quickly!  I wash it  off, take off the stem and savor every juicy bite.  

This may be a bad analogy but I think God sees His faithful as those good berries and savors us.  The moldy ones He has to discard - and it makes Him sad because he also loves Him some berries.  What's even more sad about the berries is that it just took the one nasty one in the middle to contaminate so many good ones....  the good ones never even did anything wrong - they just got put into the carton with a bad one and it was that totally random selection that went incredibly, painfully wrong.

This world is much like a carton of berries.  Lots of mold happening.  Sometimes we get picked out of the carton and kept safe but sometimes we can't escape it.  If we get mold on us - all is not lost.  God can trim it off and still use what's left of us and even restore us back to whole.

Relationships are the same way.  If we get picked out of a carton and separated from a bad relationship we should be glad we were saved from the mold and decay.  No need to even look back at the toxic environment - rise above and be the bright red berries we were meant to be!  Let God deal with the decay.  Whether He throws them out or cuts off their bad spots is between God and that other person. 

Another way I see this is based on the scripture in Genesis 18.   God tells Abraham He wants to destroy Sodom. 

²² The men turned and started toward Sodom. But the Lord stayed with Abraham, ²³ who asked, “Lord, when you destroy the evil people, are you also going to destroy those who are good? ²⁴ Wouldn’t you spare the city if there are only fifty good people in it? ²⁵ You surely wouldn’t let them be killed when you destroy the evil ones. You are the judge of all the earth, and you do what is right.”²⁶ The Lord replied, “If I find fifty good people in Sodom, I will save the city to keep them from being killed.”

This same question goes back and forth between God and Abraham until Abraham gets down to 10.  God promises that if He finds even 10 good people in Sodom He will not destroy it.

This example here inspires me.  Maybe we are living in a Sodom today but I still believe in good.  I still see it every day even in spite of all the evil.  I will continue to seek it, believe in it and BE it.  Even when I am treated poorly, I can still react with goodness.  I may be mistreated in one moment but in another I find a kind soul, a goodhearted person or have genuine loving interactions that completely counteract the negative one I had earlier in the day.  That will be my focus.  That will be how I get through all the bad happening around me both personally and globally.  That will be how I stay fresh and avoid the mold in this crazy world -  until I get to the place where a berry can just be a berry and not worry about decay.

When Life Doesn't Make Sense

I find it ironic that the first thing I read this morning was a little quote from Joyce Meyer - "You don't need to know the why behind everything if you trust God."   I had just opened my eyes, happy that it was Friday - but yet in another state hundreds of miles away, children were likely entering their school rooms - happy that it was Friday.

I no longer care that it's Friday.

Friday means absolutely nothing to a mother whose child was killed in a senseless shooting in a place where children are supposed to be safe and secure.  Friday means nothing to the parents who comfort those children who lived through the tragedy.   Friday means nothing to the spouses of those killed as they enter their quiet, empty homes tonight - stunned by the fact that life changes in an instant and dumbfounded that there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about it.

And yet still, we all try to make sense of it all.  What is it in our human nature that constantly wants to know why?  Does it really matter why?  I mean, it is what it is.  It's evil.  That is almost explanation enough.  But other times there are tragedies that can't even be explained as evil.  They are just unfortunate events that impact us in a big way.  And yet - we still ask why.  When we hurt, we look for the source - is it so we can try to fix it?

Why did my loved one get cancer?  Why did my friend miscarry? Why did my marriage fail? Why did 911 have to happen?  Why did the Murrah Building get bombed?  Why did that bully pick on MY child?  Why did that friendship end? Why did my family lose touch with each other?  Why is the world so jacked up these days????

You know - if we really knew why, would it make us feel any better?   Maybe in certain cases.  But most of the time, no.  Most of the time, the why would just confuse us more or make us feel even worse.  I no longer ask why....  and for the most part, no longer care about the why.

But there ARE certain things I hold onto - especially when things like this happen.  

1. God loves us.  Even when things happen that don't appear to be loving - He is still there just waiting for us to turn to Him.
2. God is in control.  Even when the world has gone ape crazy, God still has a reign on things and He can turn any situation into something good if we seek Him.
3. I am God's child.  And if He truly is my father, He knows best.  If I trust Him, and I seek His guidance, He works everything......no, really EVERYTHING out the way it is supposed to be.  It may not always be pretty and it may hurt like hell at times but I truly believe that all experiences in my life have shaped and continue to shape me into the woman he wants me to be.

So yeah - when nothing in the world makes sense - I will admit I do have those moments where I would rather retire to my bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep into the next century - but you know what, no one's really even safe in their own homes so why roll over and play dead?  Life is a battle - full of good and evil forces.  When we give up, we essentially let evil win and let God down in the process.  I'm not going to surrender.  I refuse to dwell on the bad  and instead I choose SONshine.

For Pete's sake, it's Christmas! What is the message we are supposed to be giving the world?  It's that of hope.  Christ came to give us that hope.  As I write, I look at the Christmas tree and I reflect on years past.  Christmas is traditionally a melancholy time for me.  So many memories of things that no longer are a part of my life - things that cause my heart to bleed a bit, things I miss, things I long for.....  But this year when I see the tree, I also see the cross.  And when I see the cross, I remember my broken heart.  I originally thought he mended it but I'm beginning to see that hearts are not mended, they are simply replaced.  His life on earth and eventual death on the cross gave Him the ability to give me a heart like His - or perhaps a piece of His very own heart.   His grace allows Him to take broken hearts and replace them with His.  Therefore, our hearts can't forgive what's been done today and we never forget when we are wronged; But God will take our broken hearts and give us His - just when we need it most. It's Christmas and we are to believe - even when evil in the world tries to steal our faith and especially when we don't understand. Look for good where you can find it and know that it still has power!

My prayer tonight as the world continues to spiral out of control is that all those with broken hearts for whatever reason - will get a small glimpse of the tree - the cross - His grace - and know that there is hope even if they can't see it yet.

Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways My ways declares the Lord.

This says it all to me.  No point in asking why if I trust in Him.

On Abuse....

Sometimes it's not just hindsight that is 20/20.  Or maybe it's hindsight that leads to clearer vision not just of the past but also the present.  Learning from our mistakes and the mistakes of others, causes us to recognize when things are also unhealthy in our present day.  What I have learned over the last few years is that recognizing the way we feel about something is exactly what will help us prevent future dysfunction today.  Its of utmost importance to be honest about our feelings, not just with others but also with ourselves.  We often take negativity and try to ignore it or stuff it away because we perceive it as bad - but its actually a warning to take inventory or something that is not working in our lives.

In spite of how incredibly happy I've been lately and how blessed I feel, I still have heartache over some ways I see my loved ones being mistreated as well as how I have been mistreated.  Not only that, but I see ways that I've mistreated others and have dealt with regret over those instances.  I'm so incredibly thankful for the gift of God's grace and the redemption He gives when we go to Him with our brokenness.

That being said, I don't believe that God intends for us to be passive when we are taken advantage of or mistreated.  I believe that the most important part of learning to love others, is loving ourselves first!  We would never knowingly let our children be abused by someone - we would stand up for them or more importantly, enable them to stand up for themselves!  I do think a period of reflection is needed after being hurt.  I think we MUST go to God with this: Psalm 34:18 (NIV)  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit..  It's very similar to the way we would hope our children would come to us when they have been wronged.  When our children come to us, we are able to comfort and console first and THEN empower them to handle the abuse in the most appropriate way possible.  In some cases, this involves being the bigger person and simply ignoring the offense (especially when the bully is just trying to entice a reaction) but sometimes this means confronting the offender)  In any case, the reaction requires extreme reliance on God to work out the situation in HIS way, not our own.  I believe that when we seek Him, He will supply our solutions.  Trust cannot come without respect and when we really respect someone we are able to more effectively trust in their leadership.  God has proven worthy of that respect in my own life and when I'm able to completely give credit to His guidance, trust comes easily.  Faith does not elude me - it has been proven in my own life and I'll never discount that fact.  I've done life both ways - with God and without Him and I can honestly say with Him is the ONLY way life works.

In that perspective, I also believe that sometimes abuse in our lives - whether inflicted upon us or whether we inadvertently do the abusing (we are human after all and we, ourselves, do make mistakes of this nature - I will admit to it myself!) is often a springboard to embrace a blessing if we work through the adversity in the right way.  It's incredibly difficult not to worry about what people think of us and so easy to fall into the trap of doing what others *think* we should do about a certain situation but I believe that we have to get out of our box and do what God inspires instead of what may seem more socially acceptable.  It's time to get real and own our part of a dysfuntional situation, clean up our attitude and try to see people as God sees them, NOT as we see them or as others see them.  We need to practice extreme patience that inspires perseverance.  I back this up with the following verses:  

1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

James 1:2-4 (NIV)  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^] whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Obviously I'm dealing with some adversity but it's impacted by some of my nearest and dearest who are dealing with similar circumstances.  It breaks my heart to see this happen and above anything I would want for Christmas, it would be healing in relationships.  I now completely understand why my dad would say the same thing every year when we would ask him what he wanted for Christmas.  He always said he wanted peace on earth, good will toward men.  I would roll my eyes every year but I soooooo get it now.  Above any material possesion I might desire, I would gladly live in poverty if I could experience the absence of adversity in my life and the lives of those I love.  I know that one day this will happen - there will come a day when God wipes away all our tears and takes us to this place of peace and I hold firm to that promise when these things arise.

From Ann Voskamp- He withholds no good thing from us.

And the good things in life are not so much health but holiness, not so much the riches of this world but relationship with God, not so much our plans but His presence — and He withholds no good thing from us because the greatest things aren’t ever things.

Action De Grace

With Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas looming just ahead, I am hoping to remove distraction and find more time for reflection.  Not an easy task this time of year but still very necessary.  Things are changing rapidly around me and as life begins to pick up speed, now is the time for me to "be still and know God."

The meaning of Advent is a coming into place, view, or being; arrival.  This is especially significant to me this year because I am entering into a new phase of life.  The original Advent season was full of exciting anticipation which parallels the way I see my own new year to come.  The people were awaiting a gift from God - one that had been promised for generations.  The logistics of that gift coming along did not appear realistic but nonetheless, it was promised and it came to be.  I feel the same about what is happening in my own life.

The French meaning of Thanksgiving is action de grace.  Is it any wonder that Thanksgiving comes before Christmas?  It is a time to prepare our hearts for the greatest gift of grace there ever was!  We celebrate all the ways we are blessed just before we celebrate the arrival of our greatest blessing.

It has been heavy on my heart this last month that gratitude should come naturally to me and be practiced continually - not given focus just during a specific season of the year.  There are two themes that have developed over the last year for me:  love and gratitude.  They go hand in hand.  Without love, we would not experience thankfulness and without the ability to be thankful, we would not recognize when we are loved.  We must be able to to experience these in order to gain the full effect of God's provision and live out His purpose.  It is far too easy to forget the ways God loves us but if we are able to live Thanksgiving (action de grace) year round, we can't help but see evidence daily that we are held close to His heart.

Thanksgiving (action de grace) goes far beyond gratitude.  It must be acted upon - in other words, paid forward.  The giving part is my focus this year but I want it to extend beyond Christmas and I hope to be financially comfortable enough to engage in some random good deeds here and there.  It is most fun when remaining anonymous.  The dollar amount of the gift is not important - it's the heart of the giver that matters.  When you give out of love, the gift is precious no matter how big or small.  Whether tangible or intangible - if done out of gratitude, a gift can be the gateway to something even more valuable - it can be a glimpse of Christ for the receiver.

So - as I journey towards the things I've wanted most in life and I see them come to pass along the way, I will be reminded just how much God loves me.  In addition to being awestruck by it, I want to put into action and pay forward some of that love.  He has held me and protected me, healed me and empowered me over the last year and my hope is that somehow I can encourage others to see my source of strength and help them find it too.

In the words of Anne Voskamp:
When grace rescues you, then giving thanks is the responding action.
When grace delivers you, then action defines you. 
When grace takes you in right where you are, then you act out your gratitude wherever you are.
Random acts of kindness are the action plan of God’s people.
Thanksgiving is action de grace in French —  and after Thanksgiving comes Christmas and after grace comes action, and we don’t occasionally give thanks to feel good but we live thanks to routinely do good.

The Best

It occurred to me today that I have discovered what seasoned writers, artists and musicians have known for centuries.  Intense emotion inspires creativity.  For some, happiness is their greatest muse and others are spurred by sad events in their lives. Even anger can bring forth passionate works of art!  And although I don't consider my blogging an art form, I do notice that in my more emotional moments, my writing becomes more creative in nature - sometimes almost poetic and other times more rhythmic depending on what I'm going through.  Lately, however - I want to be poetic and I'm not - heck - I just want to have words to write and I just can't find them.  As for the emotion - it's there.  It's there like its never been before, with an intensity that I've never felt and yet I'm unable to express it.  Weird.

I wonder if perhaps I have used words to comfort myself in the past and no longer need that comfort?

Was that a control issue?  Was it a means of searching?

When I was unhappy I needed those words to be able to describe where I was and where I wanted to be.  Now that I am happy, I have no need for words.  I am just happy.  How many ways do you need to describe that?  Seriously, my worries are few and of the few, they are so trivial they are not worth mentioning.  At one time, my ability to be content was questioned.  Well looky here - I think I found the mysterious place of contentment.  Weird.

And yet at times I still question how I got here.  There is only one way.  Why question it?  When I look to God for guidance and learn to be in His presence, He provides.  It's as simple as that.  When I try to do it myself, life begins to suck.  It's all about trust and relationship.  I am inadequate but HE is everything!

He loves us so much.  He wants to give us His best. God's best is better than you can imagine - take it from me, I know.  It may have taken me half a lifetime to figure it out, but I'm glad I finally did.  The future has never looked so bright.  As Robert Browning said, "The best is yet to be!"

Psalm 71:20
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Peaceful Anticipation

So yeah.....  apparently this is my place for emotional purging and it appears that I must be a recovering bulemic blogger because it's been a long time since I have felt the need to write.  Is that a good thing?  Perhaps.....

On the one hand, it is incredibly refreshing to be off the roller coaster of despair and excitement.  It is nice to just coast for awhile on the straight and narrow.   Yet on the other,  I fear that the lack of expression could cause my creativity to decline and that is an important aspect of my personality.  Perhaps I am learning to express myself in new ways.

What I am beginning to see is the end of a chapter in my life - closing in on the final pages.  It is bittersweet as several doors have closed but new, beautiful windows are beginning to open.  The change is welcome but still brings about some quiet apprehension mixed with anxious excitement. It is very difficult for me to prohibit myself from skipping to the last page and rush the ending.  I know that I need to savor every precious morsel of new beginning that I can, but it requires restraint not to head straight for the dessert.

If I could only explain how incredibly blessed I feel !!!!  I spent so many months feeling dejected and alone but seeking all the ways God loves me.  I found them finally and then He blessed me even more!  Funny how He works that way.  Just when you realize how good you have it, it gets even better.  I'm going to do my best not to grumble any more about the little things and look for good in every situation - even those very dark days because those are the times we are shaped and molded into His likeness to become the hope that so many seek. 

However - in spite of the peace and calm I am feeling now, a girl just tends to worry a bit and this is what came across my desk this morning.  Two points of scripture that show again just how much God loves us:

5 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that god corrects; a father's delight is behind all this.6 Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.   (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Philippians 4:7

7 Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Suck It Up

Romans 5:3  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.......

REALLY?

I sometimes have to have a big toddler temper tantrum when I don't get my way.  Come on God!  It's YOUR fault - YOU spoiled me!

But you know what?  Even when parents spoil their children and they know they are partly to blame for the fallout, they still have to teach them NOT to behave that way.  So ---  I guess that's where I am this week.  I've been put in time out because I had a BIG BABY fit!

I've been sent to my room to think about things.

I have to learn to be gracious even when things aren't going MY WAY and I have to learn there are other needs bigger than my own and I have know that the very good things in life cannot be rushed and that patience produces perseverance.

James 1:4
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Yes - I still want what I want when I want it.  However, I've already realized that I don't want something that's not complete.  I don't want something immature or lacking.  I want it ALL.  I want something whole and real and finished to perfection. That only happens in God's timing and if I trust Him - then I know He makes all things work together for good - even temper tantrums - even timeouts.

So I'm going to take this long weekend at home alone and talk to God - thank Him for all He's blessed me with, let Him enlighten me as to why I can't rush through life, and try to listen for His direction.  AND practice patience - that's the really hard part.  But I know - that just as parents punish their children when they misbehave, they also reward them for good behavior.  Time to be a big girl!  I have a feeling there's a big reward around the corner.

James 5:11
 As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

 

 

 

The Rescue

All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

I saw this verse in passing a couple of days ago and book marked it.  I felt it needed some thought and I have had such a busy week, I haven't had time for spare thoughts.  This morning, however, I was finally able to sit down and go through my email - looking back at those I had saved for more consideration.  This verse was in one of those emails and it really spoke to me.

I spent a great many months.... no actually many YEARS in an internal battle over marital issues.  My emotions have run the gamut from sadness to anger to heartbreak and I'm sure the fallout is not ever really over.  However, the battle is.  I'm not even going to proclaim victory from that battle because in conflicts of that nature, no one is ever victorious.  But I do believe that there was purpose in that.  I'm not at all saying God caused it - quite the contrary.  However, God USED it. God used that battle (which was a consequence of human choices) to teach me so many valuable lessons and cleanse me emotionally.  I've used this quote before but it is so meaningful to me:  "God does not always calm the storm.  Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child."

Today I have experienced the calm after the storm and now the sun has come out!  I know others that are in similar circumstances but in different stages and I ache for them.  However, I've come far enough to know that those struggles are necessary and I hope that somehow the blessings I've been given lately can be an example to those still suffering that God is faithful and will provide if only we will trust him.  There were a few who encouraged me during my stormy days and those who offered the most hope to me were the ones who also had a relationship with Christ.  They offered credibility whereas my secular friends gave even more uncertainty.  I'm not sure how one truly gets out of the storm without a rescue.    My rescue was from Christ but came in the form of friends and family who cared.  I see His handiwork not just in the storm but in the rescue itself - through this I see that somehow He has equipped me to be part of His rescue team as well.

I'll never know when my new skills will come in handy, but for now I get to carry the comfort and confidence of having lived through the storm only to see brighter days ahead.  When life brings me down, all I have to do is remind myself just what I've been through and how it turned out just fine in the end.  This is part of practicing faith.  I've learned that practice does not actually ever make perfect.  We are always subject to errors and flaws.  However, practice DOES make progress and I'm thankful to see the evidence of progress in my life.  I plan to keep practicing because with each new day, I get a little bit stronger and that's really what its all about anyway.  

One of my storm crew had this to say to me once and I couldn't help but take it to heart.  He was in the midst of his own storm at the time but knew exactly what to do.  

"I've walked with God through enough yesterdays to trust Him with all my tomorrows" ~D. Moore

God has this!  He's got us in His palm.  Sometimes that's all we need to know.

Beyond words

This post is actually one that I started last month but just couldn't finish.  I had so many overwhelming thoughts on the subject that I could not process them all.  I just had to let them marinate awhile.  These thoughts have not left me but intensified in the last few weeks.  The question I keep asking - What did I do to deserve this?

However the context of that question is far different from the context in which most people ask it.  This time, there is a positive spin.  Most people ask this question when things are bad but in my situation, things are incredibly good - better than I could have asked, better than I even hoped for.

Why would God bless me this much and why now? 

My answer came today in Ann Voskamp's blog.  Her realization of God's grace hit a target area in my heart.  " Sometimes the proof that God exists is that lightning doesn’t strike but quiet grace rains straight down."  I've always understood that God loves me but sometimes I think He chooses to show us in ways that we least expect.    In Ann's blog she describes a struggle that her friend was facing in accepting God's grace.  She questioned - "why does God strangely bless us when we’re half-estranged from him?" I am not estranged from God - quite the opposite; but I'm also not as close as I thought I should be in order to experience His love like I have over the past few weeks.

For the last year, I've felt that God was asking me to fall in love with Him before He would show me the type of love I was seeking with another.  Falling in love with God is one of those things that is much easier said than done.  Maybe it's that I confused the emotional aspect of love with the action form of love yet again.  This has been a struggle for me all my life: that Prince Charming theology that so many little girls buy into.Who doesn't want happily ever after?  And maybe I didn't truly feel the emotion that I was looking for when I was loving God.  Let's face it - love is not always easy.  It is a choice.  And maybe that's exactly what I did right this time.  I chose it.  I chose to love God - even when I didn't feel it.  I sought Him and I listened when He spoke and I looked for all the ways He loves me and found them - even when my heart was broken, even when it ached beyond what I thought I could bear.

So what did I do to deserve the happiness I feel now?  Absolutely nothing.  Nothing that I can do is worthy of the way God is blessing me at this time in my life - not even the fact that I sought Him when it was incredibly difficult - when it would have been easier to hate Him.  But this is exactly why His blessings are true gifts.  They are not deserved - not ever.  But they are one way God proves to us that He is present and that He hears our cries.

Ann also acknowledges - "Sometimes it’s incomprehensible grace that shakes you awake."  If I've ever been awake and aware of God's presence in my life, it's now.  The only reason I can say that is because of His grace and His hand in what's happening in my heart.

Lastly I want to share song lyrics that Ann's son shared with her during his illness with pneumonia - "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." What an incredible kid to think of a song like that at a time when he was suffering!

But how incredibly true that is - I'm falling, and sinking very fast, very deep in a sea of grace.  Words can't express my gratitude and perhaps that's why I couldn't even express this in my blog.  Words elude me when emotion is extreme but that's not a bad thing.   I may not be writing as often but that's only because I'm taking in grace - swimming in it - soaking it in - basking in His love while the emotion is alive and well so that I never forget and never repeat old patterns or mistakes.  I like to give credit where credit is due and that goes to my Heavenly Father who loves me and loves you.  All I can hope is that someone who may be seeing dark days can look at me and know that there is hope and that God wants to bless them too and hold on to that hope even when life seems empty.  In our weakest days we can hold on to this:

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone
He'll carry us when we can't carry on
Raised in His power, the weak become strong
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect (Stephen Curtis Chapman)

And always remember: 
God’s mercies are new every morning — not as an obligation to you, but as an affirmation of you. (Ann Voskamp)

Open Heart Surgery.

When God speaks, I listen......   most of the time.  But when God speaks in the middle of the night and won't let me go back to sleep - - I blog.

I often wish that we could see the meaning behind the trials in our lives as we go through them.  I think it would make them easier to bear.  However, I've discovered that it is usually only in hindsight that we see how God was working.  Tonight, it occurred to me that perhaps that is because we could not have the proper appreciation for His handiwork if we knew up front what He was doing.  But I also wonder if it is human free will that prohibits our own understanding of our situation.  I mean, how can God reveal to us what is happening when our lives revolve around someone else's choices.  Yes - He knows what choice will be made but He also has to work around that choice - and perhaps He chooses to bless us more when we've been hurt and dejected because of the poor decisions of others and our own abuse of free will.

I'm going to go all sappy, romantic here so if you don't like that kind of thing, quit reading now.

There is no better feeling on earth to have a heart full of love to give along with a recipient to receive it and reciprocate it.  The excitement of finding "the one" comes with a fullness and joy that's difficult to describe.  Life becomes full of hope and anticipation of a wonderful life ahead.

But is that reality?  or falsehood?  Perhaps a little of both I believe.

You see.... I've been in that state before.  It worked but only for awhile. Life got in the way. Hopes and dreams turned into fear and regret.  It didn't matter how fully I gave my heart away -  that gift became just another item on the shelf.  Dusty and dull....  lifeless..... lonely.... forgotten.  And that's when the lack of care caused the heart to decay and harden.  Perhaps it was the recipient's fault, perhaps it was the heart's own fault or, more likely, it was a combination of the two.

I've been over the reasons why way too many times over the last year and a half.  Tonight I'm laying that to rest.  There is really only one reason and it's important that I see it now.

The reason I failed is because I entrusted my heart to a man FIRST and to God second (or honestly not even second.....  I would imagine God was way down on the list after other humans, things, or activities)  When I was finally able to retrieve my decaying, hardened heart, I had no idea what could be done with it.  I only knew that *I* could not  revive it.  Perhaps another man could?  Perhaps I didn't even need the heart?  Perhaps it was not worth saving.

So my trial and error way of life began to reveal that the answer to all those questions was a very definite NO.  I began to realize that there was only One who was deserving of my heart.  But how could I give such a broken down, dusty, dirty, ugly part of me to the One who made me?  How could I show Him that I had neglected my own heart as much as the man whom I'd entrusted it to?  My maker.... who is the only One who deserved my heart when it was healthy and whom I did not give it to - was actually the only One who wanted it now that it was deformed.  So I trusted.  I returned my heart to Him.  He took it and treasured it and kept it safe.  During that time, it was cleansed and freshened.  It was revitalized to vibrancy and returned to the same softness of its youth.  Total restoration - totally undeserved - out of total grace and mercy.

But then God did the unexpected. He gave me my heart back.  I am incredibly humbled by this gift. Because I trusted Him, He in turn has deemed me worthy of possessing HIS most treasured possession.  When I examine the heart He returned, it clearly has His name on it.  He has engraved His name upon my heart.  With His name also came a promise.  That if I learned how to love Him, MORE than I loved any man - He would bless me beyond what I could ever imagine. 

Why would God give my heart back?  Why wouldn't He keep it?  I believe because He wants me to see His handiwork and open up my heart to be shared again.  This time when I share it - it will not simply be given away.  No, this time my open heart will be merged with another open heart - mended by God - meant to be shared.  This time - two hearts - that have the handiwork of God engraved on them  will then be given back to the only One worthy of such a gift. Because we have free will, He can't impose the joining of two hearts but He can match them up.  It's only when those two hearts trust that this intricate combination can occur.  Only God can make them into one and only God can keep them whole.

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God's masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so that we can do the good things He planned long ago.

In the Moment

The virus of distraction is cured by the art of subtraction. ~Ann Voskamp

I had to read the quote above several times.  I have been what I thought was "distracted" lately.  I have had my thoughts elsewhere and have had to really focus the last couple of weeks just to get my daily activities done in a sufficient manner.  But I realized after reading this quote a few times that I wasn't really distracted - I was just overwhelmed.

As I began to take out variables that would crop up in my mind.... the what ifs and the if onlys - I began to see a little more clearly.  When something mind blowing happens that you never expected, its normal to have your mind flood with  all kinds of scenarios and situations that may or may not be reality.  This is what causes the real distraction.  I think its normal for that to happen especially when the event defies all logic.

However, if you can just step outside your overactive mind for just a bit and see just what is before you - in that moment - without looking back or too far forward - that is when you see exactly what God wants you to see.  It's in those moments - when all the other worldly stuff is blocked out  - that you begin to see the gift of His goodness.  You see just what He has been wanting for you.  If you can just be present - in that moment and that moment only - life becomes clear, confusion fades and your heart is free to sing and dream and imagine.  

It sounds magical, doesn't it?  It is, in a way - magical and mystical.  However it is also one of the only places that an individual can be real.  In the moment is when you take away the regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow.  It's where a person can be pure again - unadulterated by the stresses of our daily routine, unscathed by our sins, and unmarred by our dysfunctional relationships.  It is where we are simply who we are, who we need to be and who we once were all at the same time.

The only thing better is to share this with someone else.  Be present.  Be real.  Be in the moment with that other person while they are in the moment with you.  It's also one of the greatest gifts you can give or get.  I can't think of anything more valuable.  It is true, unconditional acceptance at a certain space in time - for that moment and hopefully more to come.

So I battle distraction from time to time - who doesn't?  It's all in knowing when to take away the past or future concerns that nag us and just be present and grateful and calm.  Perhaps we can't live entirely in this realm, but we can visit and it's those times that we visit that we become renewed and refreshed and all the more thankful for what our lives are instead of worrying about what they are not.  It's where the foundation for contentment begins and the angst of uncertainty is abolished.  To have found this place is above my greatest blessing and beyond my wildest dream.  It is where I see God smile.

Turning "Happily Ever After" into Reality

What girl doesn't grow up listening to fairy tales and wondering if some day her prince will come?  How many women grew up and believed they found their prince only to discover he was a frog in disguise?  Perhaps those same women even knew in their heads that "Happily Ever After" was only for fairy tales but still had hope or expectation that it could exist in reality.  Why in the world do so many of us still long for that fairy tale ending and is it possibly obtainable?

I dismissed the idea of a "Happily Ever After" quite some time ago.  For a long while, I just tried to accept it and enjoy the things I had been blessed with anyway.  However - something in my soul longed for more.  The longing nagged at me long enough until I found the courage to make some pretty excruciating life changes.  Through this time, I learned many valuable lessons and began to feel a peace I had not known.  I attribute this to spiritual growth and appreciation for my place in life - an acceptance of all my circumstances - good and bad - with the belief that even the bad things had molded me into the person God wants me to be.  I truly believe His will is done whether we comply with it or not.  If I refuse to let Him use me, He will still accomplish what He desires.  I am insignificant in that respect.......  However, he WANTS to use me.  He pursues ME.  And He longs for ME!  He is complete - with or without me.

I also began to see that because I have an intimate relationship with God that I am complete.  No longer am I half the woman or invisible or insignificant or secondary to anything or anyone.  Those are feelings that have past.  I may not be perfect, thank goodness for that - but I am who God made me and He made me this way for reasons unknown but reasons that will be revealed on an as needed basis.  Even my flaws can be used for His good and even if I never know how.

So then what happens when one finally gets to her place of Utopia?  What happens when contentment sets in and complacency is abolished?  Just when life is good - life gets better.  Is it possible that when we finally quit asking and learn to appreciate all we have that God decides to bless us even more?

I am in a state of disbelief at this point - awestruck at what has been given to me and at the same time fearful that it is not real or that it is temporary.  Feeling painfully inadequate in relation to this gift and humbled by the responsibility that comes with it.  What God has entrusted to me is precious and must be protected but at the same time I'm bursting with excitement and desire to share it!  But....  there are no words.  No way to describe it.  No method to demonstrate it.  No pictures to portray it.   Yet, there is hope.  Hope I haven't known in a long time.  Belief that I never knew could be restored.  Passion that I had no idea could be ignited.

So I'm beginning to re-think the so called myth of "Happily Ever After" even if I'm still a realist at heart.  Contentment is a good starting point but I think that perhaps God chooses go beyond what we find fulfilling and give us even more.  We all have the things we dream about but He has ways to enhance those dreams.  Life can be even better than our dreams and I think that is becoming my new reality.

New Every Morning

Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

  Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
 They are new every morning;    great is your faithfulness    ~Lamentations 3:21-23

Is the risk worth the reward?

Sometimes you just know in your gut what the answer is and yet you struggle with having the courage to act on that answer.  That was my life for a long while.  It's a miserable place to be.....  trying to decide between what is safe or known and what could be.  Trying to really decifer what is God's will and what is your own.  God's will does not usually come in a nice, neat little package.  But God's will happens whether we are on board or not.

The thing is, being on board with God can be hard work!  The journey is not a straight and narrow path.  It is a rough terrain - full of highs and lows with rocks to climb and streams to cross.  But the places to which He leads are the ones which take your breath away!

I've been on this long road of rough terrain for quite some time now and I'm coming off a short rest period.  I think God knew I was exhausted and let me just be still for awhile.  Lately however, He's been reminding me that my journey is not over.  He has picked me up, dusted me off and taken me around a corner to one of the most breathtaking views I have ever seen.  Had I known this awe-inspiring turn was just around the corner, I might not have grown so weary!  But God knew and He knew the right time for me to see it.  He knew what I needed to keep going and He has provided the hope I have been pursuing.  His compassion is never-ending but His wisdom surpasses our understanding.  Just when we think we know the direction we are going, He turns us around to see a better way.

Paula Rinehart summed it up for me in my devotional this morning:
If your life worked out the way you think you want -- or if you could just pretend that doesn't matter -- it would all be easier.  You might cruise into the sunset.  But honestly, you'd miss out on a real journey with God.  And you'd walk right past wonderful.

What if I had walked past wonderful?   The journey would never have been the same.  I am now seeing things I never imagined possible, dreaming things I never knew I could dream and realizing potential I never knew existed.  That is hope.....  and I forgot what hope felt like.  Great is Thy Faithfulness.


Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!Great is Thy faithfulness!
  Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
   Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

How's That Working For Ya?

So I came across a cool saying this week:  "I do not fail.  I succeed in finding out what does not work."

Let me just say I have been very successful lately.

Admittedly, I have let some things have priority in my life that do not deserve priority status.  Not that they aren't important things.......  I just need to place the MOST IMPORTANT back in His place.  Because quite honestly, when I'm not focused on God, life just doesn't work.

Why doesn't that sink in?

There are so many alluring things this world has to offer.  They look all sexy and delicious and FUN!  And to a degree - they ARE.  However, after a few rounds, the sexy wears off, the initial deliciousness has a bad aftertaste and the fun just fades away.  Then what's left?

A few tears maybe.

There are also things not so alluring that get in our way.  Our "responsibilities" consume our time.  I put that in quotes because they are often not so necessary.  We let them overcome us and rule over our schedules.  Job, housework, exercise, kids tend to have first place in our agendas and that's reasonable.  But just because something is reasonable, does not make it right.  All of those things can have too much emphasis - and they have for me lately (well, not the housework part).  I look back on my week and ask.....what's left?

A few moments of insanity?

I will also even venture to say that church can get in the way.  We get so wrapped up in the routine and the ritualism of it that we sometimes miss the point.  We attend, we serve, we contribute.  We do all the churchy things that we think we are supposed to do - but we forget to look at our hearts and the intent behind it all.... and mutter to ourselves - what's left?

Times of confusion, lack of vision, apathy.

All of it leads down a path that just isn't working for me.  I'm overwhelmed emotionally, underwhelmed intellectually and overstimulated socially.  Why?  There's only one reason I can think of......  I haven't had my daily dose of wisdom.  I've let my diet of scripture be replaced with internet trash.  I've been talking more to people than to God.  I've been listening to my own will more than the Holy Spirit.

Knowing how to fix it is only half the battle however.  Time to start over yet again - good thing my slate is erasable :)

Steep your life in God reality, God initiative, God provisions.  Don't worry about missing out. You'll find your every day human concerns will be met.  ~Matthew 6:33 (The Message)

Seasonal Allergies?

Ecclesiastes 3:1  - For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

I truly believe in God's timing.  When I look back over the course of my life, I see the ways He has worked at the most opportune moment for the maximum benefit.....so many near misses where He intervened and so many beautiful occasions that came when I needed them most.

The problem with that is that hindsight is 20/20 and for the present time, I desperately need some GLASSES!  8-)     just no rose colored glasses for me...... been there, done that!

Or do I?  Maybe my problem is not that I can't see but maybe I'm trying to see much further away than I need to.  I am a planner by nature.  I'm always looking ahead and trying to figure out the easiest way to get there.  Why haven't I learned by now that the easiest road is not always the best?  It's the high road that takes you to the most wonderful places and the high road is not easy to navigate.

I think my problem is that it is not traveling season any longer.  I have been on a journey and it's time to rest.  However, I'm having an incredibly hard time winding down.  I keep anticipating what's next instead of just going with the flow.  And then there are those stupid emotions that come into play.....  they just keep clouding my head and prohibit me from resting.  I need some type of antidote because it is becoming painfully obvious I'm dealing with some serious seasonal allergies in my life.

Life is good. I am right where I am supposed to be.  God knows what He is doing and has my back - even when these seasonal allergies get the best of me.  Sometimes there is an itch and He understands when I scratch it.......   He's just there reminding me that scratching will only make a bigger scar.  He's there ready to apply the Benadryl.  He's there, seeing me through all my sneezes, runny noses and watery eyes.  He is my antidote.  But I'm one of the worst patients.....

Missing the Mark

Lucy Lou was just a normal girl, doing normal things like going to work,  hanging out with friends, etc.  One day Lucy decided to go to see the movie Magic Mike which is about male strippers.  She had heard it was a good show because her girlfriends raved about all the hot guys in it.  So she went and enjoyed herself and then decided she would go out to dinner afterward.  Her plate was more than enough for 2 people but she ate it all anyway because it tasted sooooooooo goood.  She enjoyed her life and was happy and healthy.

Later on, she ran into her friends George and his partner Ron - a same sex married couple. They greeted her and asked what she had been doing that evening.  After she told them, George told her just how horrible it was that she ate that entire meal and the havoc it was going to wreak on her body and then Ron chimed in about the movie and how morally offensive it is.  They basically called her a glutton and a pervert.  Then they told her that they were just saying this out of love and that they would love for her to come to church and meet their "loving" Father and and join in their congregation so that she can be saved and live an eternal life full of roses and sunshine.

Lucy thought to herself:  Do I have moron written across my forehead? Who wants a love like THAT?

Is it really any surprise that we have so many non-believers in our country?  What is wrong with our "Christians" these days?  I'm really beginning to be ashamed.  We are giving ourselves an incredibly bad name......  Not only that, we are totally missing the mark!

What is the point of bringing people to Christ?  The MAIN goal - not all the benefits that come after?  What is it really that we want non-believers to understand?

Seems we are pushing things that really have no bearing on what our ultimate goal should be.  Who cares about the gay marriage issue?  Who cares whether being gay is a choice or a genetics issue?  Who cares that Susan and James are having sex outside of marriage?  Who cares that Cindy Kay is pregnant and wants to have an abortion?    Whose "right" is it to care about those things.......?   Certainly we all have a "right" to care and even to voice our opinion - but we have to consider what the fallout may be if we stand up for our rights just to prove a point.  We have to examine our hearts and proceed with extreme caution.  Because sometimes when we stand up and voice our opinions  - its not virtue that comes across, but hatred or even stupidity.

Our MAIN goal in bringing people to Christ is to show them His love!  HE is the one who cares MOST about their issues in life and it is HIS responsibility and only HIS to show them where they are messing up.  Honestly - its none of our business.  Yes - there are times - after bonding with someone or if they come and ask you for guidance - that it would be our duty to give them our opinion on how they can have a healthier spiritual life but that can only come after divine intervention and/or prayers.  And even then, after that has taken place, its up to God to work on their hearts and our job is just to love 'em.

It reminds me of a conversation I had one time with a friend who just wanted to "get right" with God.  She was going to "get right" and then try to come back to God.   That's not how it works.  We can't "get right" unless we have God in our lives.  The correct order is to come back to God FIRST, then He will make you "right" again.  How in the world can we get people to come to God, if we are constantly telling them they are wrong?  Where has the church gone wrong that even members think they have to "get right" before they are worthy of serving in church?

I think its time to swallow some pride and remember why we are here.  Let God love you so that you can love like He does.

Don't be the pot that calls the kettle black.

Heavy heart

With all the recent hoop-lah over the Chick Fil A Appreciation Day, I can't help but have a heavy heart.  Seems to me like a really passive agressive way to bully those who don't believe the way you do.

I have my beliefs and I am firm in them.  However, I do not feel it is my duty to broadcast or beat them over the heads of those who may disagree.  Who am I to act like I have all the answers?  Just because I believe a certain way does not mean I'm right - even IF I'm in line with the Bible.  The Bible is the source of my faith - yes - but how many times has it been transcribed or rewritten or most importantly interpreted in different ways?  How can one person give his opinion and have so many people jump on his bandwagon?

I'm not even going to go into the issue of whether or not I believe gay marriage should be allowed.  That is totally beside our purpose here on earth.  Our purpose is to love as closely as possible to the way God loves us.  God's love never fails - even when we do.  Instead it intensifies for us when we fail because He knows how much we are hurting ourselves.  Whether or not you believe gays are failing God - YOU are failing God....  in some area - rest assured!  None of us are doing what God would truly have us do and ALL of us have some sort of issue that plagues us.  We are all on this world together just trying to make sense of it all.  Wouldn't it be nice if we quit pointing fingers at each other and just tried to get along?

It hurts me when my children bicker or try to out-do one another.  This hurt God and sometimes it's things like this that make me almost ashamed to associate myself with groups that are represented here.  Just as my previous blog stated - I am a fighter and I will fight the GOOD fight.  But this right here - this is NOT a good fight.  This is a very sad portrayal of the ways men try to out-do each other.  

There is a time to stand up for what you believe but there are also times when our beliefs really don't matter in the face of eternity.  Let God do His job.  You do what He called you to do - love your neighbors as yourself.   Think about how you might feel if the tables were turned and traditional marriage was under attack.

Matthew 7:1-5

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

The Good Fight

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:12

What is up with Timothy and fighting?

Actually I'm beginning to get it.  I always thought I was a lover not a fighter - but I've lately found enough spunk and vigor to be a lil bit scrappy!  You better pack a lunch!

I have learned that the fight can be a good thing and there are certainly things in life that are worth fighting for.  However, what happens when we don't win the fight?  What happens when what we hoped for doesn't become our reality?  When dreams are dashed, promises broken, courage crashes......  then what?

The normal and natural thing is to look at our failures and fall into discouragement.  To see everything little thing we did wrong or that we could have done better.  To nit-pick at our flaws and shortcomings and begin feeling like we are worthless - unvalued and unable to fight ever again.  Weak.  Fragile.  Broken.

But it's not our failures that signify the end of the fight!  In fact, they are our training.  You see - we didn't lose or fail:  we simply got knocked down!  (insert that song - I get knocked down, but I get up again - you're never gonna keep me down)  It's at these times its important to nurse our wounds and contemplate our mistakes but instead of feeling like we failed, we must have faith that we will be up again and fighting once more.  (now I need the Rocky theme song).  

If you're not currently in fight mode then that means you should be training - because rest assured, your fight is coming.  Life is a series of battles that we face - some physical, some spiritual and many many emotional.  We don't always know when they will hit so its important to be in the best shape you can be - or the knocks and blows may take you out of the game much longer than you planned.  Put on the armor of faith and study up on your Trainer - Phil 4;13 (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me).  Acknowledge His presence and accept the gift of His ability to help you on to victory.

You may not see victory in this lifetime - but it's coming as long as you fight the good fight.  Don't worry about weakness - because that's the only way to become strong.

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

How big a boy are ya?  ~wink

Windows.

When you're 40 something and single, there are a lot of open windows.  Many times when you find yourself in this position, it is because some door has closed so I'm borrowing from the cliche "When God closes a door, He opens a window".  Thing is, He doesn't just open A window - He opens ALL THE WINDOWS!

At first, I found myself staring that the closed door, running back to it - trying to open it, picking the lock and even attempting to kick the thing in.  I hurt myself doing that - in a big way.  I nursed my wounds however and decided to hibernate for awhile.  I slept through a few obvious open windows at that time but luckily I didn't miss anything.  I realized I needed that time to build up the confidence to start looking at all the windows and picking one to climb out of.

Some of the open windows are beautiful and show a calm sunny day waiting to happen.  Other windows are dark but you can see the glistening stars and bright moon through them.  Some are cloudy and grey with a storm brewing behind them - but yet they appear so intriguing, you want to chase that storm and smell the rain as it begins to fall.  I also notice windows that blow forceful winds into my dwelling - winds that brush my cheek and whisper quiet poems on my heart.  And then there are also windows that show a world so big and scary that it makes me want to run back to the old door and kick it some more!

Whatever window grabs me at the moment is certainly worth the consideration and I'm enjoying the views from all of them.  However, eventually I will choose one out of which to climb.  Am I still afraid?  Of course!  But I am comforted by the fact, that if I leave my dwelling through a window - that window remains open until I decide to close it.  The door may have been closed for me or even by me but it will remain just that.  It's just not smart to go back in the same door that closed behind you - especially if you want to go forward in life.  Going forward requires some window shopping before the journey and I'm happy for the opportunities to consider all my options - without lamenting over closed doors.

Windows are transparent and clear.   I think it's time I enjoyed the view out of each one.  The opportunities are endless even if overwhelming at times but I'm thankful they are open - just for me - until I decide when its time to close them. 

1+1=1?

I read this interesting excerpt from Dr. Myles Monroe today:
 God designed people to be single.* He explains, "People walk around with a tremendous misconception of what it means to be single. Singleness, in its basic definition, means to be separate, unique, and whole. To be single means you are separate from everyone else, and you are unique in yourself-which means you recognize there's no one like you, and you have worth within yourself. To be single also means you are whole; you don't depend on other people to make you somebody. Until a person is completely single in these three areas, his or her relationships will always be a problem."
[* Dr. Munroe's definition of being "single" does not refer the the world's concept of singleness, but rather being complete and whole in Christ (rather than needing another person to complete your identity).]

That certainly cancels out the romanticism in the line from the movie Jerry McGuire...."you complete me".  But if there is anything I've learned by being single it is just the opposite - NOBODY can complete me!  No human anyway.  That is only done through Christ - just as Dr. Monroe points out above.

What I had never put together, however, is that God designed people to be single - regardless of marital status.  I've heard of the gift of singleness - but that is an entirely different concept.  God designed me to be AMY.  He did not design me to be Les and Dixie's daughter, Jeff's sister, Justin's ex-wife, or Anna and Drew's mom.  He made me to be ME!  Logically I've known this I guess but I have become so distracted with the relationships in my life, that I had forgotten.  I let my priority be everyone else and forgot who I really was along the way.  

When I look back in hindsight, it makes perfect sense.  I have always had a hard time just being me.  I looked to other people for my identity and sense of worth.  I did everything I could to please others and avoid conflict. While in the midst of all that, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  The answer was probably obvious but I was too distracted to realize it.

God certainly has a way of humbling us, doesn't he?  Sometimes when we refuse to see reality, He has to thump us on the head with it.

In order to see what He wanted for me as a single, whole person - He had to literally make me SINGLE.  Seems He had to dumb it down for me.  And I fought it for many, many years - probably even took my search way too far and could have avoided some super big boo-boos along the way if I just could have understood this concept before.

So Ok God.... I get it now!  And thank you!  It has been a pretty hard lesson but so valuable.  It's a difficult concept because it does not follow traditional mathematical rules.  1+1=1 in relationships.  You must have two whole people to be truly united as one in marriage.  I will admit I was not whole when I married so therefore we were never "One" with each other.

Now do I think one has to be unmarried to learn this?  Not at all. I wish I could have understood before I had to go through divorce.  However - I trust God's ways and I know He's led me down this path for a reason.  What I take away is the encouragement that next time I commit to a relationship, I will be WHOLE and complete and that should make all the difference.  Two halves don't always make a whole --- especially if Christ isn't in the union.  In fact, without Christ no one can be whole.  I know I was only half the woman I needed to be but GOD completes me, not men.  What I can't imagine is how much better can a relationship be with a man who feels the same way and has experienced wholeness in Christ as well.  Now THAT'S sexy......

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13).