It's Easter Sunday. I realized that this is my last Easter Sunday in Elk City. In fact, I only have 3 more Sundays here. I've known for quite some time that this was coming and as the time draws closer, I have noticed myself becoming more and more conflicted in my feelings about that.
I love this church. I love the worship styles offered. I love the doctrine. I love the fellowship opportunities. I love the pastors. But most of all, I love the people that make up the heart of our congregation. This church, as a whole, has been the sharpest example of Jesus I have ever known. And I mean EVER.
And although I am extremely excited about the new opportunities life will bring with my upcoming move, I am also extremely distraught over leaving the people that I love so much. Of course, it is not really goodbye because I will have opportunities to visit and will most certainly stay in touch with many of them. But it can never, ever be the same. I don't just see an exciting new future in my new location, but I also see exciting new things that are happening here with this church and it hurts to know that I will not be a part of those.
The premise of Easter just amplifies my conflicted emotion. I think of Jesus, his disciples, his friends and his family. He informed them of all the changes to come but it was difficult for them to really grasp the concept or understand what He was trying to tell them. As the crucifixion approached, they saw signs and began to be apprehensive. Then, on that most horrifying Friday, it all came to pass. They knew that life had changed forever. I would think that the mourning for Him began even before that day and intensified afterward. I would also think that once He arose, they knew it was all so bittersweet. It is significant that He showed Himself to them - to give them hope. But I would also think that it increased the grief for a time. If they loved Him like we love our dearest, they would have been happy to know He was in a good place where suffering no longer existed and that He was preparing a place for them, but they also must have ached for His company, missed His words of wisdom and longed to hug or kiss Him just one more time.
I would also think that as they began to heal from their grief, they found themselves stronger and somewhat inspired by the example His life was to them. They would begin to remember just what His loving words meant to them and they would begin to seek a life that would honor His. They would also realize that even though He was no longer physically with them, that He was with them in their hearts and souls and would be for the rest of their lives.
I can only think that this is what has happened in my experience with this great church family that I have been extremely blessed to know and love. It hurts my heart to leave, but yet I know the grief I feel will only lead to the fondest of memories and the inspiration to continue living their legacy. It will cause me to go forward in ways that would honor not only the people that nurtured me, but to empower me to pay forward the ways that have grown me into the woman God would want me to be.
It is rare to find a church that truly "gets it" but once you have, it can only inspire you to live out its example. I don't know for sure what my future holds, but I know that I have seen Jesus here and I know that because of that my life is changed. I will greatly miss this church but there is part of it that will always be with me helping me to make wise choices and look for loving ways to live their legacy. I have known others who feel the same as I - whom have gone other places and continued to live in a way that honors this congregation, and in turn, honors Jesus as well.
Much like I will never have the words to show the appropriate amount of gratitude to God for the gift of His grace, I can't find the words to show the amount of love I have for these people. Because of that, I must live in a way that they know that they have left their mark on me; just like we all must live in a way that shows the mark of Christ on our souls.
There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that is heavy on my mind today. This is how I hope to live out the gratitude and appreciation I have for those who have held me in their palms and nurtured me to a new life:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Change is good, Life is good.
I haven't written in awhile mostly because life is so crazy busy. I never in a million years thought that I would become one of those moms who has something every night! And .... I probably wouldn't be if I weren't dividing my time between Elk City and Norman. But that has been a good change - so good, in fact that Norman is going to be my new home in about 5 weeks. I would like to think that life might slow down a bit once I get there, but I'm afraid it may just get busier. And - I'm ok with that!
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)