Ins and outs of friendship

Today I am mourning the loss of a relationship.... I have been friends with this particular person for over 20 years and we have certainly had our ups and downs but I believe the roller coaster relationship has come to an end. Too much baggage to discuss in a public blog but it seems that what once was a good thing has become a toxic thing. Toxic for both of us actually. I don't think there are hard feelings on either side - just an agreement that it's time for each of us to go our separate ways. It is the oddest thing I've experienced in my whole life.

I am sad, yes - but not overly. It's like I just realized that it was something that had to be done. She and I are in completely different places in life and neither one of us can understand the other's viewpoints in several areas. I do feel her friendship was one God blessed me with long ago but I also feel that God was ready for it to be over. He has given me this inexplicable peace about it. Either that or I've gone through so much pain already that I'm numb. Honestly though - I think I've felt God preparing me for this for quite awhile now.

I feel that changes are happening in and around me. Like my life is entering a new season. I don't know if this is a good feeling or not but rather that it's time for a change. I'm curiously content about it all.

This all may be temporary and I am open to reconciliation if it happens to ever come about but I feel a sense of finality in this. With that sense, I feel a sense of hope because I see new friendships emerging that seem to better serve the purpose God gave us for this type of relationship. I tried to salvage what I could but just hit a brick wall each time. A shame? Yes it is but I believe that things like this must change or we do not continue to grow as we should. I held her back as much as she did me. I may be grasping at straws here, but I have no choice but to try to make a little lemonade out of a very sour experience.

The Acquaintance

There you are again. How many times have I seen you, exchanged smiles, muttered a friendly hello and received a response in kind.? I know you yet I don’t. Most of the time we brush past each other and go our separate ways, never giving each other a second thought. But today, I look out across the crowd , into your laughing eyes and I see that glimpse of darkness behind your perfect smile.

Then I begin to wonder how our lives could be so similar yet seem so different on the surface. I wonder if the emotion underneath the mask is an indication of inner sadness, rage or just plain indifference. You seem to have it all together. Your life appears as a story book to the rest. But I see you have a secret and I share in that uneasiness. I wonder to myself, what kind of beautiful friendship could possibly be formed from the common bond we have, yet I will probably never approach you to pursue it.

Why must we live with this facade of perfection? It doesn’t seem to benefit either one us for hidden flaws cannot be repaired. How can we possibly relate to one another or others if we are not able to share our mistakes, our hurts, and our frustrations? Why is it so difficult to let people in to the inner workings of our mind? Without transparency, we are like the clouds which hide the sunshine from our soul.

The next time I see you, I will notice your perfectly groomed hair, your flawless fingernails, your pristine designer bag and the poised way you carry yourself. We will nod and smile. But next time, if the hint of sadness still shows beneath the forced but natural looking smile, I will stop and show you that I care. Kind words or gentle touch…. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to see within my expression that I have internal shadows too and our familiar nods will become knowing glances that lead to lengthening conversations. And we will begin to open our hearts to letting others in, to sharing more of our souls and to the clarity that sharing our needs, faults and imperfections can bring. For as much as we are alike, so are others and we do not have to endure this life alone.

Blogging Blahs

I used to blog about every other day. Guess I had a lot to say back then. Or perhaps I just didn't care what I put out there for all the world to see. I'm becoming more guarded these days because of recent mistakes and heartaches. I hate to put out a negative or depressing blog because that's not what I'm all about! Even the title of my blog is all happy and sweet. But life isn't always polka dots and daisies.....

Sometimes I wonder - with all the negatvity around us in this crazy world - how we manage to block it out and go about our routine. How do we manage to ignore it and put on a happy face in spite of it all. But yet we do - most of the time. Is that being fake? Or is it being positive in effort to change the outlook on our little world? But what about being real? Sometimes it takes all the energy I have to put negative thoughts in the back of my mind. Sometimes, i just need a good outburst. OK - so I'm not the screaming type but a good cry can be so refreshing.

Problem is, I haven't had time to do that. Occasionally I feel it coming on and I run. I try to get out of the public eye to have a momentary private sob. And yet - once I get to my quiet place, I find the emotion surpressed and I am unable to surface it. I feel it welling up inside me yet it keeps getting squelched.

A friend reminded me last week that dread does not bring God joy. I would imagine sadness does not bring God joy either. If my purpose is to bring God joy, then what do I do with the hurt, the disappointment, the discontent and all the other fleshy emotions in my system? I don't think squelching them is the answer. I have to find a way to let God replace them with the good. I have to stop believing the lies I tell myself. I have to spend more time in the Word and really listen to what He is telling me instead of what the world is telling me. At times, this seems a daunting task and the mere thought sends me reeling with helplessness.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Practicing patience in effort to find peace.