We grow up thinking independence is a good thing. We are taught from childhood skills we need to live on our own and how to handle things ourselves. The word independent is positive and strong - we even have a day we celebrate our independence from another country. Girls more than ever are taught this concept because for so many years women were dependent on men. That became an extreme negative! My mom was no feminist but even she ingrained in me the need to be able to support myself on my own - 'just in case'...... I was also taught that I could do or be anything I wanted to be. My independence and self confidence have always been a source of pride for me. I am now learning they are not necessarily my strengths.....
When I think about God, I also think about my role as a parent. I am God's child, therefore He loves me like I love my children. He is there to teach and to guide me. He has given me all the tools I need for survival but I am still a child! I have not attained adulthood in my Christian walk. I still need Him to hold my hand. I am beginning to see that our life on earth in a way is our 'raising'. Just as we raise our children to become adults, God is raising us to become adult Christians. Some mature more quickly than others. Some go at a slower pace. And some of us may be slightly retarded! The difference is that the goal of human parenting is independence while God's goal as our father is for us to become completely dependent.
This has been a difficult concept for me. I was raised to be independent and I am now raising my children to be independent. It's been my goal, my focus as long as I can remember. I am discovering that I cannot apply this concept in my spirtual journey. My control freak side has to go! I am not in charge and I cannot continue to try to 'do it myself'. As Dr. Phil might put it....it's just not working for me. And God didn't intend for it to work! I am discovering I am more like a strong willed two year old than a mature independent adult when it comes to spiritual matters. Good thing God is patient!
I was reading Romans 1 and thinking to myself - Why did God let them go? Why does He let us do shameful, harmful things to ourselves and others? Why did He give us free will after all? I'm learning that just as we have to let our own children go out into this world and learn and make mistakes of their own, God does this too. He lets us go so we can make mistakes and figure out that independence will get us nowhere. That as long as we live on earth, we ARE dependent. He wants us to be completely dependent on Him and Him alone. When we branch off and try to handle life ourselves, it isn't too long before we realize we are unhappy, discontent or just a complete mess. If we go this way too long, we end up finding out that we are completely lost. At this point we cry. We cry for our shepherd and it isn't long before He is there, picking us up and bringing us back to the flock.
This thought is going to be with me for awhile. I'm not sure I've grasped it completely so likely will be the source of a few blogs and may be a concept I struggle with for the rest of my life. It's not easy letting go. There's the cliche - "Let Go and Let God". It makes sense but isn't always easy to do.
Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." If that's not anti-independence, I don't know what is! How long have I known this verse and it's just now sinking in ?!?!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Lessons learned from too-tight jeans
I had an ah-ha moment this morning while getting dressed. The different ways in which God chooses to speak to us are an amazement to me. This morning, He spoke to me through a pair of too-tight jeans! I think most women have had this experience and I think most women go through it telling lies to themselves. I started to do that myself this morning. But instead, I came to a realization.....
Most of my life has been spent in a constant weight battle. Why? There are a multitude of reasons - some within my control and some not. After losing 80 lbs over 3 years ago, I thought I had conquered this battle. For the last 3 years, I have not struggled in this area. Instead, I had struggles of a different nature. Now that I am addressing those issues, my food issues are back. I have been pouting about this and wondering why. After this morning, I KNOW why!
I did not kill the root of my problems. The root of my food issues and the root of my most recent issue are one and the SAME! The root is self esteem. I don't know one woman in this world that does not have this problem. Many times it is subtle. I can say to myself that I like me, that I like how I look or how smart I am or the way I do this or that - but all the while I see others and I compare. I wonder what someone thinks about this or that that I do or say..... or how I look in this or that. OR did I offend someone or say the wrong thing or have I been considerate enough or - - the list goes on and on and on. I know that I am not unique in the problem. There is not a woman on earth who doesn't tell herself lies about who she is, what she looks like, how well she performs, etc. And the after-effects of these lies can be brutal. They vary from over-eating to alcoholism to over-spending to seeking attention from men to OCD and the list could go on and on and on.
Why is this innate in all of us? Does it go back to Eve? Can you imagine how she kicked herself and beat herself down after she ate the fruit? Here she was - this happy-go-lucky cute, little naked hottie - be-boppin' her way through life when she makes one little mistake with consequences that would affect the lifestyles of all humankind to come. Can you imagine the weight of that sin? Not only does she now realize her little naked body is not so great and must be covered up, but she has to watch her beloved toil and sweat just so they can eat. Then she must go through unimaginable pain just to deliver a baby and all the while realize that because of her mistake, now all humankind will have pain and suffering in their lives. What do you think her self esteem was like after that? She didn't have any other females to compare herself to at the time, only the realization that she could never again be perfect.
Yet - somehow God got her through that. He loved her anway. He still took care of her - just made her work for it. He loved her so much that He gave her choices even though He knew she would not always make the right ones. Why do we spend so much time wanting the approval of others when the only thing that really matters is the approval of God? I think one reason is that it is sometimes hard to really grasp the concept of God. We don't actually hear Him or see Him. We know He is there but we pretty much ignore that fact most of the time. We know He loves us but again - that thought is so abstract. As humans we can never begin to understand just how much He loves us. I decided this morning that not only must I spend more time with the One who loves me most, but I must put the symbol of His love where I dress, where I look in the mirror and all the places where I am tempted to lie to myself. I am also going to spend more time building up other wonderful women I know because I just don't do enough of that. Women are critical by nature and we've got to stop comparing ourselves to others. God made us all and made us different for a reason. We don't always understand why but we don't need to. He knows why and He is in charge....
Does this mean I will quit dieting? No. One reason is I don't want to have to buy new clothes - the other is that I need to take care of ME. God loves me and He gave me this body. It is a precious gift and I don't want to trash it up. Will I be dieting because I want to look good so I will have better self esteem? No. That's where I went wrong in the first place. My self esteem needs to come from God - not from this nasty world. Is it just that easy to switch my focus? No. I am always going to compare, I am always going to nit pick and I will always have something about my body that I don't like. That's when I will go back to the cross - again and again - and ask God to show me the love - over and over. Fortunately for all of us, God is patient and does not mind repetition.
Most of my life has been spent in a constant weight battle. Why? There are a multitude of reasons - some within my control and some not. After losing 80 lbs over 3 years ago, I thought I had conquered this battle. For the last 3 years, I have not struggled in this area. Instead, I had struggles of a different nature. Now that I am addressing those issues, my food issues are back. I have been pouting about this and wondering why. After this morning, I KNOW why!
I did not kill the root of my problems. The root of my food issues and the root of my most recent issue are one and the SAME! The root is self esteem. I don't know one woman in this world that does not have this problem. Many times it is subtle. I can say to myself that I like me, that I like how I look or how smart I am or the way I do this or that - but all the while I see others and I compare. I wonder what someone thinks about this or that that I do or say..... or how I look in this or that. OR did I offend someone or say the wrong thing or have I been considerate enough or - - the list goes on and on and on. I know that I am not unique in the problem. There is not a woman on earth who doesn't tell herself lies about who she is, what she looks like, how well she performs, etc. And the after-effects of these lies can be brutal. They vary from over-eating to alcoholism to over-spending to seeking attention from men to OCD and the list could go on and on and on.
Why is this innate in all of us? Does it go back to Eve? Can you imagine how she kicked herself and beat herself down after she ate the fruit? Here she was - this happy-go-lucky cute, little naked hottie - be-boppin' her way through life when she makes one little mistake with consequences that would affect the lifestyles of all humankind to come. Can you imagine the weight of that sin? Not only does she now realize her little naked body is not so great and must be covered up, but she has to watch her beloved toil and sweat just so they can eat. Then she must go through unimaginable pain just to deliver a baby and all the while realize that because of her mistake, now all humankind will have pain and suffering in their lives. What do you think her self esteem was like after that? She didn't have any other females to compare herself to at the time, only the realization that she could never again be perfect.
Yet - somehow God got her through that. He loved her anway. He still took care of her - just made her work for it. He loved her so much that He gave her choices even though He knew she would not always make the right ones. Why do we spend so much time wanting the approval of others when the only thing that really matters is the approval of God? I think one reason is that it is sometimes hard to really grasp the concept of God. We don't actually hear Him or see Him. We know He is there but we pretty much ignore that fact most of the time. We know He loves us but again - that thought is so abstract. As humans we can never begin to understand just how much He loves us. I decided this morning that not only must I spend more time with the One who loves me most, but I must put the symbol of His love where I dress, where I look in the mirror and all the places where I am tempted to lie to myself. I am also going to spend more time building up other wonderful women I know because I just don't do enough of that. Women are critical by nature and we've got to stop comparing ourselves to others. God made us all and made us different for a reason. We don't always understand why but we don't need to. He knows why and He is in charge....
Does this mean I will quit dieting? No. One reason is I don't want to have to buy new clothes - the other is that I need to take care of ME. God loves me and He gave me this body. It is a precious gift and I don't want to trash it up. Will I be dieting because I want to look good so I will have better self esteem? No. That's where I went wrong in the first place. My self esteem needs to come from God - not from this nasty world. Is it just that easy to switch my focus? No. I am always going to compare, I am always going to nit pick and I will always have something about my body that I don't like. That's when I will go back to the cross - again and again - and ask God to show me the love - over and over. Fortunately for all of us, God is patient and does not mind repetition.
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