I am becoming more and more convicted about my trial and error way of living. I often hear Dr. Phil's voice in my head ("How's that working for ya?") and I realize that my lack of planning and purpose has cause a lot of turmoil in my life. There are many reasons that I am here in this place at this time and in this situation. Most of them I am keenly aware of but I realize there are others for which I have no clue.
I definitely need to obtain more wisdom. But what is wisdom? really? It can't be defined entirely by education or experience or discernment. It is a multi-faceted attribute. The most accurate explanation I have found is below:
"One way to define wisdom is the ability to see into the future, the consequences or your choices in the present." ~Andy Andrews
Most of us have at least a hint of wisdom and most of us can tell the difference between good and bad - but how many of us can actually discern the difference between good and BEST? That's where wisdom goes a step further. We are all capable of making good choices but how many of us are really capable of making the BEST choice? How do we know when its BEST to act or when its BEST to wait patiently?
I have been told since I was a little girl that I was wise beyond my years. I like to think that's true and be proud of myself. But honestly - I have so much more to learn! There ARE certain areas in which I feel confident in the wisdom God has given me but there are so many more where I am completely CLUELESS. It's only when that pride gets in the way that I become a fool! When I put on that coat of strong, intelligent, confident "I GOT THIS" attitude - that I end up realizing I am actually indeed a FOOL. When we begin to think we are fully equipped to handle tough situations and neglect to put our pride aside long enough to get help, then we only make a bigger mess and create more hurdles to jump. We miss out on the blessing of important lessons learned and blessing others with the ability to help us and see us through trouble.
It is only when I release the need to look like I have it all together and begin to let myself be vulnerable and reveal my flaws that I gain the best insight. So I gladly admit that I'm a mess because that's when the people that help put me back together share the greatest wisdom.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. http://bible.us/Prov11.2.NIV
To some I may appear a fool - To some my life may seem to be one long list of mistakes - but that's ok - because that means wisdom is right around the corner. I can weather a few days of clueless if it means a life lesson yielding wisdom. Yes - mistakes are GOOD. They are how we learn.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Let Them Eat Cake
Mistakes, failures, blemishes, errors...... are they for real? I mean honestly - none of us are immune from these things so can they really be what they are perceived to be? Are they something to be seen as negative?
The older I get, the more beauty I see in flaws.
I've been going back this week.....waaaaaaayyyyy back - back to times even before I was born! I have been thinking about the concept of generational sin - you know the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Whether this is supported by genetics or upbringing is debatable but the pattern is a definite. All of us struggle with some of the same things our parents or grandparents did. When I think of some of the ugly things my ancestors did, I have mixed emotion and when I parallel those things with some of the things I've done, I am dumbfounded (and very ashamed). What I realized this week that surprised me however, is that I have carried shame for some of the things that THEY did that are completely independent from me! Why am I carrying around the burden of THEIR sin??? That was all I needed and I feel much better now that I can release myself from that crazy yoke.
I still have my own yokes however and I'm dealing with them. BUT as I look back at the lives of those I've loved, knowing so many of their flaws ( and not all of them I'm sure), I also realized that I love them just the same. They are still just as beautiful to me as they always have been. I also realized that because they are flawed, maybe they are even more beautiful. They may have scars but those scars show the tough times they were able to overcome and that gives me hope.
I was reminded of a portion of a blog I wrote in 2009:
And how about the big picture? Get up close to a painting and you might find all kinds of blips and smudges that weren't intended. Step back a few paces and there's a masterpiece before you. And sometimes - it's the flaws that make the art piece unique and therefore priceless. I can honestly say I have enough unique flaws, that when looked at in the right light, I might just be rated a masterpiece. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know at least one beholder who happens to see me in just the right light. And oh - how thankful I am for his loving critique.
It also makes me think of my clocks. I have a small antique clock collection. For some reason, I was drawn to these clocks so I started buying them at garage sales, antique stores, etc when I ran across them. None of them work and none of them were expensive (all less than $5). They are all different colors, shapes, and sizes but they all have their own unique qualities that drew me to them. They stuck out to me in the midst of a whole bunch of other "junk". They are not junk to me.... I love them. They make me smile when I look at them. Why - because they are so much like me. Broken.... but able to be used for good in spite of that.
And as for the hard times in life I think about cake. (not the old have my cake and eat it too philosophy) but rather what is something so sweet and decadent made of? Flour, eggs, oil, baking soda or powder, salt...... and sugar. With the exception of sugar, all those other things by themself are nasty! Stir them together, add something sweet, spark a little fire to bake the mixture and you've got a great dessert! So even though life deals us some nasty stuff - there is always a little sugar to mix in and always a little spark to ignite our flame that tranform our lives into something sweet and decadent.
Suddenly I have an urge to go paint a picture of a clock shaped cake ;-)
The older I get, the more beauty I see in flaws.
I've been going back this week.....waaaaaaayyyyy back - back to times even before I was born! I have been thinking about the concept of generational sin - you know the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Whether this is supported by genetics or upbringing is debatable but the pattern is a definite. All of us struggle with some of the same things our parents or grandparents did. When I think of some of the ugly things my ancestors did, I have mixed emotion and when I parallel those things with some of the things I've done, I am dumbfounded (and very ashamed). What I realized this week that surprised me however, is that I have carried shame for some of the things that THEY did that are completely independent from me! Why am I carrying around the burden of THEIR sin??? That was all I needed and I feel much better now that I can release myself from that crazy yoke.
I still have my own yokes however and I'm dealing with them. BUT as I look back at the lives of those I've loved, knowing so many of their flaws ( and not all of them I'm sure), I also realized that I love them just the same. They are still just as beautiful to me as they always have been. I also realized that because they are flawed, maybe they are even more beautiful. They may have scars but those scars show the tough times they were able to overcome and that gives me hope.
I was reminded of a portion of a blog I wrote in 2009:
And how about the big picture? Get up close to a painting and you might find all kinds of blips and smudges that weren't intended. Step back a few paces and there's a masterpiece before you. And sometimes - it's the flaws that make the art piece unique and therefore priceless. I can honestly say I have enough unique flaws, that when looked at in the right light, I might just be rated a masterpiece. Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know at least one beholder who happens to see me in just the right light. And oh - how thankful I am for his loving critique.
It also makes me think of my clocks. I have a small antique clock collection. For some reason, I was drawn to these clocks so I started buying them at garage sales, antique stores, etc when I ran across them. None of them work and none of them were expensive (all less than $5). They are all different colors, shapes, and sizes but they all have their own unique qualities that drew me to them. They stuck out to me in the midst of a whole bunch of other "junk". They are not junk to me.... I love them. They make me smile when I look at them. Why - because they are so much like me. Broken.... but able to be used for good in spite of that.
And as for the hard times in life I think about cake. (not the old have my cake and eat it too philosophy) but rather what is something so sweet and decadent made of? Flour, eggs, oil, baking soda or powder, salt...... and sugar. With the exception of sugar, all those other things by themself are nasty! Stir them together, add something sweet, spark a little fire to bake the mixture and you've got a great dessert! So even though life deals us some nasty stuff - there is always a little sugar to mix in and always a little spark to ignite our flame that tranform our lives into something sweet and decadent.
Suddenly I have an urge to go paint a picture of a clock shaped cake ;-)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Tests, Trials and Storms
I find it ironic that testing at school coincides with storm season - there are so many correlations and similarities between the two!
Testing is used as a tool to gauge how well you have learned something. It lets you know if you've mastered a concept or need to go back and study some more. Often times, passing the test is not enough. You have to keep a certain level of knowledge on that subject in order to stay proficient. You have to stay on your toes!
Storms come out of nowhere and often catch us off guard. There is no prep time or way to study. You have to act on pure instinct and hope you get through it. Often you have to rely on help from others to stay safe or recover from one that has hit.
As different as the two are, the after effect is similar. They both make you stronger. Passing a test or coming through a storm requires, patience and endurance - two things we don't practice during times of calm. It also requires focus and dedication. We don't utilize those skills when we are just cruising through life - those only come into play when we need to accomplish something and usually only if it is something of importance.
It is only when we have been through many tests or weathered many storms that we begin notice that those very qualities: patience, endurance, focus and dedication are actually present with us at all times. It is those very qualities that build our faith if we let them. Our attitude and choices we make after the test or storm are what determine the outcome. If we beat ourselves up over every answer we got wrong on the test and refuse to claim what we learned then we may not retain what we need to. If we let a storm beat us up and take away our perseverance, we may become weak little wimps who can't handle the pressures of this world.
However, if we choose to ignore the mistakes or the beatings and see past all that to notice how much progress we did indeed make, we will only come out ahead. We will be able to learn and grow from all that we went through in the midst of the test, trial or storm.
I have chosen to be thankful for every situation - even when I don't like it. It's when I don't like what life has dealt that I've learned so much. It is during times of discontentment that God has blessed me most. And it is times of complacency that I've become lazy, worn out and uninspired. So although I've always thought those who thrive on drama are a bit crazy, maybe drama can be a good thing. I'm going to look at it that way from now on if I can :)
1 Peter 4:12-13 “Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith.”
Don’t tell God how big your storm is. Tell your storm how big your God is!
Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child. (this one is my favorite!!!) He has calmed me A LOT !
Testing is used as a tool to gauge how well you have learned something. It lets you know if you've mastered a concept or need to go back and study some more. Often times, passing the test is not enough. You have to keep a certain level of knowledge on that subject in order to stay proficient. You have to stay on your toes!
Storms come out of nowhere and often catch us off guard. There is no prep time or way to study. You have to act on pure instinct and hope you get through it. Often you have to rely on help from others to stay safe or recover from one that has hit.
As different as the two are, the after effect is similar. They both make you stronger. Passing a test or coming through a storm requires, patience and endurance - two things we don't practice during times of calm. It also requires focus and dedication. We don't utilize those skills when we are just cruising through life - those only come into play when we need to accomplish something and usually only if it is something of importance.
It is only when we have been through many tests or weathered many storms that we begin notice that those very qualities: patience, endurance, focus and dedication are actually present with us at all times. It is those very qualities that build our faith if we let them. Our attitude and choices we make after the test or storm are what determine the outcome. If we beat ourselves up over every answer we got wrong on the test and refuse to claim what we learned then we may not retain what we need to. If we let a storm beat us up and take away our perseverance, we may become weak little wimps who can't handle the pressures of this world.
However, if we choose to ignore the mistakes or the beatings and see past all that to notice how much progress we did indeed make, we will only come out ahead. We will be able to learn and grow from all that we went through in the midst of the test, trial or storm.
I have chosen to be thankful for every situation - even when I don't like it. It's when I don't like what life has dealt that I've learned so much. It is during times of discontentment that God has blessed me most. And it is times of complacency that I've become lazy, worn out and uninspired. So although I've always thought those who thrive on drama are a bit crazy, maybe drama can be a good thing. I'm going to look at it that way from now on if I can :)
1 Peter 4:12-13 “Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith.”
Don’t tell God how big your storm is. Tell your storm how big your God is!
Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child. (this one is my favorite!!!) He has calmed me A LOT !
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Another dream
I had another dream last night - not so vivid but I remember the gist of it so I'm going to work it out here. Typing helps me organize my thoughts especially when it comes to dreams.
In the dream I had left my purse behind in a public place. I knew exactly where I left it so I went back hoping and praying it would still be there. It was indeed there so I proceeded to look inside and make sure everything was still in it. Everything was, except for my credit cards. I knew I had not lost any cash because I only had my credit cards there but I was irked. I was irked not just at whomever took the cards, but also irked at myself for leaving the purse behind.
Why would I dream this now and what exactly does it mean?
So I was so relieved to learn that my purse was still where I left it. I am also relieved to know my heart is also right where its always been. The contents of the purse were also still there. I am still able to love in all the ways that I always have. The credit cards were gone. In the past, I think that I knew and felt love from others but I often felt like I received it knowing there would be a bill to pay later. Maybe I was irked in the dream that my credit cards were stolen, but not because I would be out any money - only because I would have the inconvenience of having to call the credit card companies to stop the cards from being used. I knew I would not be liable for unauthorized charges but that I would have to be watching my statements. I also knew that once I reported the cards stolen, I did not have to have new ones reissued to me. I could decide to switch to a cash only basis for my finances. In a similar way, I may be irked that I'm not receiving love the way I used to and I'm irked that it has been such an inconvenience. However, I realize that I don't have to be injured by it. I'm not liable for any unreasonable expectations that are placed on me and NOW I can start loving in a healthy manner without the burden of knowing there will likely be a bill to pay later.
I think perhaps that this was a very GOOD dream. Dave Ramsey would be proud.
In the dream I had left my purse behind in a public place. I knew exactly where I left it so I went back hoping and praying it would still be there. It was indeed there so I proceeded to look inside and make sure everything was still in it. Everything was, except for my credit cards. I knew I had not lost any cash because I only had my credit cards there but I was irked. I was irked not just at whomever took the cards, but also irked at myself for leaving the purse behind.
Why would I dream this now and what exactly does it mean?
The purse represents my capacity to love.
The contents represent the various ways I love.
The credit cards represent the ways I received love in the past.
So I was so relieved to learn that my purse was still where I left it. I am also relieved to know my heart is also right where its always been. The contents of the purse were also still there. I am still able to love in all the ways that I always have. The credit cards were gone. In the past, I think that I knew and felt love from others but I often felt like I received it knowing there would be a bill to pay later. Maybe I was irked in the dream that my credit cards were stolen, but not because I would be out any money - only because I would have the inconvenience of having to call the credit card companies to stop the cards from being used. I knew I would not be liable for unauthorized charges but that I would have to be watching my statements. I also knew that once I reported the cards stolen, I did not have to have new ones reissued to me. I could decide to switch to a cash only basis for my finances. In a similar way, I may be irked that I'm not receiving love the way I used to and I'm irked that it has been such an inconvenience. However, I realize that I don't have to be injured by it. I'm not liable for any unreasonable expectations that are placed on me and NOW I can start loving in a healthy manner without the burden of knowing there will likely be a bill to pay later.
I think perhaps that this was a very GOOD dream. Dave Ramsey would be proud.
Friday, April 20, 2012
What is Beauty?
Dear
God, You are worth far more praise than I could ever give. Please help
me to rest in Your presence and trust in Your plan. Fill me with Your
perspective until I joyfully lay down my will for Yours. Lord, when You
look at my life, I want You to see beautiful. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
That is not my prayer (Gwen Smith wrote it) but it very well could be.
I have reached a time in my life where I am no longer subject to someone else's plans, hopes or dreams. While I am still a daughter, mother, and friend I am beginning to see that the rest of my life is in my own hands. I'm not tied to any certain location because of a job, spouse, or family. For the first time, I can begin to dream and discover and DO what *I* want! It's exciting but scary at the same time. Choices are powerful - one bad choice and life spirals out of control but good choices can be the springboard to true living!
And although it is all about me right now, if I act on my own accord then I will miss something along the way. I've spent too many years with a hole in my heart and now that its filled, I want to keep it full. The only way to do that is to "rest in His presence" as Gwen so eloquently put it. I trust God even in the midst of life situations that I don't like. I believe His plan is perfect and I know He is shaping me into what He wants me to become.
Will I find myself confused? Sure and probably often
Will I find myself afraid? Absolutely
Will I find myself doubting? Yep, that too.
But what I ultimately want is just what Gwen said in her prayer - to be seen as beautiful. Beauty is not confused, afraid or doubtful. Beauty is strong, confident and wise. The only way to be truly beautiful is to let my maker finish His final touches and trust His timing on that. So I am resting now, letting Him work - until He reveals to me just where He wants me. Because it really isn't about me, never was, never will be. And I'm finally ok with that.
That is not my prayer (Gwen Smith wrote it) but it very well could be.
I have reached a time in my life where I am no longer subject to someone else's plans, hopes or dreams. While I am still a daughter, mother, and friend I am beginning to see that the rest of my life is in my own hands. I'm not tied to any certain location because of a job, spouse, or family. For the first time, I can begin to dream and discover and DO what *I* want! It's exciting but scary at the same time. Choices are powerful - one bad choice and life spirals out of control but good choices can be the springboard to true living!
And although it is all about me right now, if I act on my own accord then I will miss something along the way. I've spent too many years with a hole in my heart and now that its filled, I want to keep it full. The only way to do that is to "rest in His presence" as Gwen so eloquently put it. I trust God even in the midst of life situations that I don't like. I believe His plan is perfect and I know He is shaping me into what He wants me to become.
Will I find myself confused? Sure and probably often
Will I find myself afraid? Absolutely
Will I find myself doubting? Yep, that too.
But what I ultimately want is just what Gwen said in her prayer - to be seen as beautiful. Beauty is not confused, afraid or doubtful. Beauty is strong, confident and wise. The only way to be truly beautiful is to let my maker finish His final touches and trust His timing on that. So I am resting now, letting Him work - until He reveals to me just where He wants me. Because it really isn't about me, never was, never will be. And I'm finally ok with that.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Weak moments
I had another vivid dream earlier this week that has haunted me a bit. I won't go into detail because it wouldn't make sense to anyone but me. It wasn't frightening but I remember being extremely irritated in my dream. I had a problem that was small. I tried to fix it and then it got bigger. I tried again and it got bigger still. Then I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I could NOT fix it. I would have to ask for help. I hated to ask for help because it was a very personal, very messy issue. I also knew that by going for help, I might potentially expose my problem to someone else. The funny thing is - the part of the problem that was embarrassing was really not even my fault! I didn't make the mess - someone else did; but every time I tried to clean it up, it got bigger and bigger and bigger. I was afraid to seek help because I didn't want the person to think it was me that made the mess.
Well you know what? Who made the mess doesn't really matter. The fact that I was trying to clean it up is noble....but letting my pride interfere with getting help is something to be ashamed of. Worrying about what others think is something I need to work on. My control freakishness often makes mountains out of molehills. If I would just admit my flaws and weaknesses to others and ask them to help me, I could conquer those molehills much more quickly. But NOOOOO...... I think I have to be queen of the mountain!
Now.... because I'm having a weak moment, I'm going to quit the negative thinking about what I should have done and quit feeling bad about the unhealthy obsessions I have today. I'm going to BRAG a little on myself so that I can put that nastiness aside and be somebody's SONshine today :)
What Amy does well:
1. In weak moments, she sees her errors and corrects them!
2. She looks for the beauty in abstract situations.
3. She seeks the ways God loves her AND finds them
4. She loves her people - truly LOVES them - in an intense teeth gritting kind of way
5. She knows when to put away the box and learn to live OUTSIDE it.
Now - if you think about it later and you want a really good laugh, ask me about the problem in my dream. You'll be amazed that the inner sanctum of my mind could be so corrupt and I think you will laugh :) This invitation is only for my closest dearest peeps because it really is a ridiculous dream and even more ridiculous that I could find meaning in it - BUT, no doubt, God works in mysterious ways. He is truly my maintenance man! Without him, nothing would EVER get fixed around here!
Well you know what? Who made the mess doesn't really matter. The fact that I was trying to clean it up is noble....but letting my pride interfere with getting help is something to be ashamed of. Worrying about what others think is something I need to work on. My control freakishness often makes mountains out of molehills. If I would just admit my flaws and weaknesses to others and ask them to help me, I could conquer those molehills much more quickly. But NOOOOO...... I think I have to be queen of the mountain!
Now.... because I'm having a weak moment, I'm going to quit the negative thinking about what I should have done and quit feeling bad about the unhealthy obsessions I have today. I'm going to BRAG a little on myself so that I can put that nastiness aside and be somebody's SONshine today :)
What Amy does well:
1. In weak moments, she sees her errors and corrects them!
2. She looks for the beauty in abstract situations.
3. She seeks the ways God loves her AND finds them
4. She loves her people - truly LOVES them - in an intense teeth gritting kind of way
5. She knows when to put away the box and learn to live OUTSIDE it.
Now - if you think about it later and you want a really good laugh, ask me about the problem in my dream. You'll be amazed that the inner sanctum of my mind could be so corrupt and I think you will laugh :) This invitation is only for my closest dearest peeps because it really is a ridiculous dream and even more ridiculous that I could find meaning in it - BUT, no doubt, God works in mysterious ways. He is truly my maintenance man! Without him, nothing would EVER get fixed around here!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sometimes you just need a man....
Hope I didn't raise too many eyebrows with that title !
It's just that I'm coming off a 2 week fast from testosterone. It has literally been 2 weeks (and a few days) since I've had any significant contact with any man. My perspective on male interaction had become unhealthy and I knew I was out of line. There was a window in which I knew I could quit cold turkey....for at least awhile. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a man-a-holic but I do struggle with the vice of craving male attention and sometimes when its offered I want to cling to it. It can be a little obsession of mine. I love LOVE.
However after the past weekend of estrogen extravaganza (spent the entire weekend with an amazing group of women - more on that later) I have realized that love can be healthy and not obsessive. It's entirely the type of love we choose that matters. Agape love - the love of the Lord or brotherly love are two types of love on which I am free to feast. Just as fruits and vegetables are important to my diet so are these types of love to my spirit. I not only crave them, I NEED them.
So what do I do with my desire for romantic love? I think of it as sugar. I know that sounds "sweet" but it really helps me keep it all in perspective. When I was losing weight and getting healthy I had to omit sugar for a time. I still ate carbs but I limited them to healthy carbs and quit eating refined sugars and white bread. To this day, I love to eat sweets but I have to limit them and sometimes I still have to cut them out completely for a time. I'm in a time of emotional healing right now and therefore the same principles apply. I had become heavy emotionally so I'm losing that emotional weight with diet and exercise. Yes - I still get cravings and I even give into them occasionally but ultimately I know the road to health.
After I lost the pounds, I was able to add in sugar in small doses and I enjoy a nice dessert once in awhile now. Perhaps that's what romantic love will be like for me going forward. What I have to learn now is balance. I'm beginning to see what healthy male interactions are and recognize what may be unhealthy. I never knew friendships with men were possible. In fact, I was told many times that they weren't. And I believed that lie. I'm now re-programming my brain to understand agape love and brotherly love and just how men fit into that.
There's just something about men..... their deep voices, strong hands, broad shoulders.... God really knew what He was doing when He created us male and female! And He loves me enough to provide male interaction to me in healthy ways. Even in the midst of estrogen extravaganza we got just enough male attention to keep us going - men served our food and we even had two wonderful male speakers which were a great blessing in the midst of all those crazy women! He does this for me as well. Even though I do not have a man in my presence daily, I am beginning to have male FRIENDS and what blessings they are! Those who text me to make sure I've landed safely after a flight, those who make sure I am okay after a storm, those who send me letters of encouragement at times I need them most and those who tell me all the great places to eat when I am in an unfamiliar city.....THOSE are my healthy carbs, uh, er MEN! And for now, while I am getting healthy, those are exactly the type of men I need.
When the time is right, God will let me know when its okay for me to add a little sugar back into my diet. Until then He guides me and shows me when I'm about to do something unhealthy. For now, He is my sugar - His agape love is more than enough to sustain me. He is THE MAN. So yes - sometimes you just need a man but you always have THE MAN.... That guy.... The only One who pursues you and loves you unconditionally and eternally. YOURS....forever.
It's just that I'm coming off a 2 week fast from testosterone. It has literally been 2 weeks (and a few days) since I've had any significant contact with any man. My perspective on male interaction had become unhealthy and I knew I was out of line. There was a window in which I knew I could quit cold turkey....for at least awhile. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a man-a-holic but I do struggle with the vice of craving male attention and sometimes when its offered I want to cling to it. It can be a little obsession of mine. I love LOVE.
However after the past weekend of estrogen extravaganza (spent the entire weekend with an amazing group of women - more on that later) I have realized that love can be healthy and not obsessive. It's entirely the type of love we choose that matters. Agape love - the love of the Lord or brotherly love are two types of love on which I am free to feast. Just as fruits and vegetables are important to my diet so are these types of love to my spirit. I not only crave them, I NEED them.
So what do I do with my desire for romantic love? I think of it as sugar. I know that sounds "sweet" but it really helps me keep it all in perspective. When I was losing weight and getting healthy I had to omit sugar for a time. I still ate carbs but I limited them to healthy carbs and quit eating refined sugars and white bread. To this day, I love to eat sweets but I have to limit them and sometimes I still have to cut them out completely for a time. I'm in a time of emotional healing right now and therefore the same principles apply. I had become heavy emotionally so I'm losing that emotional weight with diet and exercise. Yes - I still get cravings and I even give into them occasionally but ultimately I know the road to health.
After I lost the pounds, I was able to add in sugar in small doses and I enjoy a nice dessert once in awhile now. Perhaps that's what romantic love will be like for me going forward. What I have to learn now is balance. I'm beginning to see what healthy male interactions are and recognize what may be unhealthy. I never knew friendships with men were possible. In fact, I was told many times that they weren't. And I believed that lie. I'm now re-programming my brain to understand agape love and brotherly love and just how men fit into that.
There's just something about men..... their deep voices, strong hands, broad shoulders.... God really knew what He was doing when He created us male and female! And He loves me enough to provide male interaction to me in healthy ways. Even in the midst of estrogen extravaganza we got just enough male attention to keep us going - men served our food and we even had two wonderful male speakers which were a great blessing in the midst of all those crazy women! He does this for me as well. Even though I do not have a man in my presence daily, I am beginning to have male FRIENDS and what blessings they are! Those who text me to make sure I've landed safely after a flight, those who make sure I am okay after a storm, those who send me letters of encouragement at times I need them most and those who tell me all the great places to eat when I am in an unfamiliar city.....THOSE are my healthy carbs, uh, er MEN! And for now, while I am getting healthy, those are exactly the type of men I need.
When the time is right, God will let me know when its okay for me to add a little sugar back into my diet. Until then He guides me and shows me when I'm about to do something unhealthy. For now, He is my sugar - His agape love is more than enough to sustain me. He is THE MAN. So yes - sometimes you just need a man but you always have THE MAN.... That guy.... The only One who pursues you and loves you unconditionally and eternally. YOURS....forever.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Hope Floats
I'm not exactly sure of my feelings about "The Hunger Games" but I did take away a very significant quote from that movie that has been in the back of my mind all week. “Hope is the only thing more powerful than fear.”
I came to terms with that quote tonight while discussing the failing health of my dad with my brother. Hope is what moves, inspires, drives us. Without it, what's left?
My dad wants to die. He's suffered a long time and the suffering is only increasing. He is not afraid of death and not afraid to live but He's lost all hope. Even if he were afraid of death the fact that his hope is gone has far outweighed any fear there may be.
Change in our lives does not take place without hope. In fact, its when we are in hopeless situations that we make our most important changes. It is not simply a desirable condition, it is a basic NEED of humans to be able to hope and believe. When hope is gone, part of us dies. I've seen it happen time and time again.
When I was married, I lost hope. I had a fear of being single but the hope of a new life and clean slate far outweighed the fear of being single. No doubt the old marriage had to die. The pain and hurt were HUGE but I saw little sprouts of hope here and there. That is how I know hope is indeed, much more powerful than fear. It was my main motivator to change.
When I was heavy, my health began to fail. I feared trying yet another diet and failing and had lost hope of conquering my food addiction. Remicade (my arthritis medication) changed that. It gave me hope. It enabled me to feel better and be able to move more. That hope completely abolished my fear of failure. With that hope in place, I knew I could be a success. I knew that I could be healthy and began to embrace the changes I needed to make.
So I suppose that even though I hate the suffering and I fear the outcome, hope of something new, something better is what keeps me going. This applies in any situation: dad's illness, failed relationships, my job, losing weight. Change most often brings improvement therefore hope is also the fruit of change. It's one more way God loves us. He gave us free will even though He knows our choices are often going to be wrong. But his mercy brings us hope in spite of our stupid selves. When life gets me down, I will look for those sprouts of hope because they are always there if we seek them.
It's when we quit seeking that we die. I'm afraid my dad is no longer seeking. But because my God gives hope, I know dad will be okay no matter the outcome. Love will see us through.
“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
I came to terms with that quote tonight while discussing the failing health of my dad with my brother. Hope is what moves, inspires, drives us. Without it, what's left?
My dad wants to die. He's suffered a long time and the suffering is only increasing. He is not afraid of death and not afraid to live but He's lost all hope. Even if he were afraid of death the fact that his hope is gone has far outweighed any fear there may be.
Change in our lives does not take place without hope. In fact, its when we are in hopeless situations that we make our most important changes. It is not simply a desirable condition, it is a basic NEED of humans to be able to hope and believe. When hope is gone, part of us dies. I've seen it happen time and time again.
When I was married, I lost hope. I had a fear of being single but the hope of a new life and clean slate far outweighed the fear of being single. No doubt the old marriage had to die. The pain and hurt were HUGE but I saw little sprouts of hope here and there. That is how I know hope is indeed, much more powerful than fear. It was my main motivator to change.
When I was heavy, my health began to fail. I feared trying yet another diet and failing and had lost hope of conquering my food addiction. Remicade (my arthritis medication) changed that. It gave me hope. It enabled me to feel better and be able to move more. That hope completely abolished my fear of failure. With that hope in place, I knew I could be a success. I knew that I could be healthy and began to embrace the changes I needed to make.
So I suppose that even though I hate the suffering and I fear the outcome, hope of something new, something better is what keeps me going. This applies in any situation: dad's illness, failed relationships, my job, losing weight. Change most often brings improvement therefore hope is also the fruit of change. It's one more way God loves us. He gave us free will even though He knows our choices are often going to be wrong. But his mercy brings us hope in spite of our stupid selves. When life gets me down, I will look for those sprouts of hope because they are always there if we seek them.
It's when we quit seeking that we die. I'm afraid my dad is no longer seeking. But because my God gives hope, I know dad will be okay no matter the outcome. Love will see us through.
“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Social Media
I'm at my wits end with several life situations and have decided that social media is at least, in part, to blame. When I look back through history and remember a time when I didn't even own a computer, I only see happy memories.... days when I played with my children, cooked more, talked to my loved ones more (on the phone and in person) and had more clarity about who I was. As I remember the first computer purchase and entry into my home, I begin to see a steady decline in all of the previously mentioned activities. I didn't embrace the computer right away. I remember thinking that was the last thing I wanted to do at home since I was in front of a computer at work all day. But as social media entered the picture, I became more and more enamored and at one time, even addicted to social media applications and even games (embarrassing as that is to admit).
I have been able to reel that in a bit and I would not say that I am addicted any longer. However, it is more readily available than ever now that we not only have computers - laptops even - we also have these apps on our phones! So no longer do we even have to sit uncomfortably at a desk, we can take laptops to our recliners or whip out our phones while waiting in the drive thru! We even get little notifications to tell us when someone has noticed us online - whether responding to a message or liking something we said or wanting to be our "friend". Not gonna lie - those little notifications trigger something in me and I just HAVE TO find out who is responding or seeking me at that moment..... It is completely ridiculous! It feeds the ego and its a very pleasurable feeling to know that someone somewhere thought of me for even just a moment. But is it healthy?
While most of the time those little notifications elicit pleasure in me, I also have to say I have moments where the opposite is true. This happened to me night before last - checking Facebook, my social equivalent of crack cocaine - I noticed a post and got a little ticked off - no, more than ticked, downright LIVID. Here I was about to drift off to sleep - just checking my alarm on my phone and the cute little beep that indicates a comment came up - so I can't help but look at it. And then my whole night went to hell..... If only I hadn't taken that moment to look I would have gone to sleep and probably would not even have seen this little snippet at all. But....nevertheless - I saw, I responded and even took it much, much further than I should have. And now I'm left with the fallout.
Maybe that happened to open my eyes a bit. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe it was exactly what I needed to end my love affair with Facebook. I deactivated my account the next day.
I love my peeps. I was able to keep current with my peeps on Facebook. However, if I truly love them enough - I can keep current with them anyway. I miss the inspiring quotes and pictures that are posted. I miss the coupon tips and traveling info I was able to view every day. And - I miss out on a few Words with Friends games by not being searchable online. So there are some things I'm sacrificing while I detox from the addictive properties that tempt me.
The timing couldn't be more perfect. The Walk to Emmaus is coming up in just over a week. It is a time when I will get to know God on a more personal level. It will be a weekend get away with the love of my life! I believe it is in my best interest to stop and focus on Him. In doing this, I have removed distraction - not just with Facebook but with other relationships that bring out emotion whether negative or positive. I even have time off work and time to get away with my sweet baby girl.
I'm taking time to be still.... and KNOW.... that HE is GOD. I posted about my broken heart and now I've posted about how my flesh may fail but I claim this verse today and know that my strength to get through this trial will be provided. Psalm 73:26 - My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I expect to arrive back from my weekend with JC, refreshed, renewed and invigorated. I may not have the answers I want or even clear direction but I know He will comfort me and give me peace and joy in the middle of this storm. Will I be back on Facebook at some point? Maybe. Probably. But hopefully if that happens, I will be able to keep it to a healthy level and manage it wisely. I know now it is not a big deal or a need in my life. In fact, life might even be better without it. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
I have been able to reel that in a bit and I would not say that I am addicted any longer. However, it is more readily available than ever now that we not only have computers - laptops even - we also have these apps on our phones! So no longer do we even have to sit uncomfortably at a desk, we can take laptops to our recliners or whip out our phones while waiting in the drive thru! We even get little notifications to tell us when someone has noticed us online - whether responding to a message or liking something we said or wanting to be our "friend". Not gonna lie - those little notifications trigger something in me and I just HAVE TO find out who is responding or seeking me at that moment..... It is completely ridiculous! It feeds the ego and its a very pleasurable feeling to know that someone somewhere thought of me for even just a moment. But is it healthy?
While most of the time those little notifications elicit pleasure in me, I also have to say I have moments where the opposite is true. This happened to me night before last - checking Facebook, my social equivalent of crack cocaine - I noticed a post and got a little ticked off - no, more than ticked, downright LIVID. Here I was about to drift off to sleep - just checking my alarm on my phone and the cute little beep that indicates a comment came up - so I can't help but look at it. And then my whole night went to hell..... If only I hadn't taken that moment to look I would have gone to sleep and probably would not even have seen this little snippet at all. But....nevertheless - I saw, I responded and even took it much, much further than I should have. And now I'm left with the fallout.
Maybe that happened to open my eyes a bit. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Maybe it was exactly what I needed to end my love affair with Facebook. I deactivated my account the next day.
I love my peeps. I was able to keep current with my peeps on Facebook. However, if I truly love them enough - I can keep current with them anyway. I miss the inspiring quotes and pictures that are posted. I miss the coupon tips and traveling info I was able to view every day. And - I miss out on a few Words with Friends games by not being searchable online. So there are some things I'm sacrificing while I detox from the addictive properties that tempt me.
The timing couldn't be more perfect. The Walk to Emmaus is coming up in just over a week. It is a time when I will get to know God on a more personal level. It will be a weekend get away with the love of my life! I believe it is in my best interest to stop and focus on Him. In doing this, I have removed distraction - not just with Facebook but with other relationships that bring out emotion whether negative or positive. I even have time off work and time to get away with my sweet baby girl.
I'm taking time to be still.... and KNOW.... that HE is GOD. I posted about my broken heart and now I've posted about how my flesh may fail but I claim this verse today and know that my strength to get through this trial will be provided. Psalm 73:26 - My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I expect to arrive back from my weekend with JC, refreshed, renewed and invigorated. I may not have the answers I want or even clear direction but I know He will comfort me and give me peace and joy in the middle of this storm. Will I be back on Facebook at some point? Maybe. Probably. But hopefully if that happens, I will be able to keep it to a healthy level and manage it wisely. I know now it is not a big deal or a need in my life. In fact, life might even be better without it. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Broken Trust, Broken heart
Broken trust does not always involve lies or cheating. It is also broken when a person fails us - time and time again. It's broken when a person quits believing in us. It is broken when a person quits seeking us. It is broken when a person obviously honors other people or activities more than they do us. When words become empty, hopes become dashed and promises don't come true, a heart becomes hardened and the ability to trust becomes difficult.
I've been duped one too many times. Why? Because I want so badly to believe! It's easy for me to open my heart and easy for me to love because it is the utmost longing of my soul. I was made for companionship. I can be independent but I don't like it. It is in my nature to seek friendship and comfort with another.
I myself have broken trust before and I have paid dearly for it. I am responsible for the hardening of another person's heart. It was an unhealthy response to my own hardened heart. Mine was broken so I broke another..... and when healing took place, scars replaced a good portion of the soft tissue. That then perpetuated a vicious cycle where two hearts could only continue hardening even more. Why have I lost hope that I could soften again? Because the pain is so bad that I know there is only more scar tissue to come.
I can let this scar tissue build or I can go to the Great Physician - the One who knows how to remove it and massage this solid mass of nothing into something soft and pliable that beats again with a passion it never knew possible. I tried to believe in man - but man let me down. God never fails. God loves me, wants me, pursues me with a desire I'll never see in any man. He knows my greatest needs even better than I do. I trust Him and Him alone to provide - in His timing, in His way and in His method of delivery.
I do not wait for man. I wait upon the Lord. Lisa Whittle echoes my thoughts about trust:
"And though it is hard to trust, it is harder still to live without belief."
When I can't trust man, I can always believe God. His promises are never empty. He is always true.
I've been duped one too many times. Why? Because I want so badly to believe! It's easy for me to open my heart and easy for me to love because it is the utmost longing of my soul. I was made for companionship. I can be independent but I don't like it. It is in my nature to seek friendship and comfort with another.
I myself have broken trust before and I have paid dearly for it. I am responsible for the hardening of another person's heart. It was an unhealthy response to my own hardened heart. Mine was broken so I broke another..... and when healing took place, scars replaced a good portion of the soft tissue. That then perpetuated a vicious cycle where two hearts could only continue hardening even more. Why have I lost hope that I could soften again? Because the pain is so bad that I know there is only more scar tissue to come.
I can let this scar tissue build or I can go to the Great Physician - the One who knows how to remove it and massage this solid mass of nothing into something soft and pliable that beats again with a passion it never knew possible. I tried to believe in man - but man let me down. God never fails. God loves me, wants me, pursues me with a desire I'll never see in any man. He knows my greatest needs even better than I do. I trust Him and Him alone to provide - in His timing, in His way and in His method of delivery.
I do not wait for man. I wait upon the Lord. Lisa Whittle echoes my thoughts about trust:
"And though it is hard to trust, it is harder still to live without belief."
When I can't trust man, I can always believe God. His promises are never empty. He is always true.
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