Messes

I lost my will to blog awhile back and it's really a shame because it is very therapeautic *if* I can find the words to explain my feelings. The *if* part is why I haven't blogged much over the last 6 months. However - I've got to find the words. I've got to purge my system of emotion that builds up or I just might explode. I can feel it bubbling up inside. I have this great need to cry, and I can't even do that. I have hurt inside that goes way deep..... I buried it a long time ago when I should have spewed it out of my soul. It's the words that help me do that and for some reason the words have just not been there for me.

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I don't know what I want nor what I should want. I lost myself a long time ago and thought I saw glimpses of her coming back but that was just a tease. She is gone and will not return. Perhaps I should bury her as well. Perhaps I should dig up the hurt and put her in its place and reinvent myself. And then mourn.

The thing about mourning.... It's much easier to do when you have a support system and I must do this type of mourning alone. It has been a 6 month process already and I was really seeing progress and then I just made a big mess of things. It's like I had just completed weeded my flower garden and was beginning to see new buds, when a tornado came through and completely destroyed my effort. The thing is, it wasn't a random disaster that caused it - it was my own doing. I deliberately sabotaged my efforts and the thought of starting over is so daunting that it might just be impossible.

God, the Mother?

Today in church, our pastor compared the love of God to the love of a mother. I've never looked at it that way before. There is so much talk of God the Father and He is usually seen more as a father figure but when you stop and think about it, He definitely has properties of both. For me though, I have a greater understanding of his love when I think of Him as a mother. He is the giver of life and nurtures as as we grow. He is always watching and always right there when we need him or when we get hurt. He carries us when we fall. He knows our needs and wants but yet balances those things with lessons we might need to learn. There's even that control freak side that all mothers have! We may not like it, but God's in charge - just like mom always was! And you know what? I'm thankful for that. Because just like my mom, no matter how much I mess up, God's always there to clean up my messes, pick me back up and put me right back on track.

Today is also Mother's Day. On this day I typically reflect back on times I had with my own mother or grandmothers. Of course, today is no different in that respect but I'm putting more emphasis this year on my own role as a mother. I feel extremely humbled to have been given the amazing experience of motherhood. Not only because my children are the greatest gifts I've ever been given but also because I have learned so much about God by being a mother. Motherhood has given me such a deep understanding of how God cares for me that I don't doubt His love even for a minute. Even when I blatantly disobey His desire for my life, I realize that He's still there and still ready to scoop me up and hold me when I fall. He understands that sometimes the only way I learn is by doing it my way and as much as it pains him while I'm being defiant, He knows that I'll eventually figure out just why it was He gave me that restriction in the first place.

As children and teens, we often feel our parents don't understand us or that their rules are stupid. Then we grow up, make a few mistakes of our own, and decide Mom and Dad weren't so out of touch after all. We realize just how much they loved us and just what sacrifces they made for us. In my Christian walk, I'm still very much a child but I grow a little bit every day. And with each growth spurt I begin to see God much more clearly. I'm not sure if I'll ever reach adulthood but I'm glad that the revelation of God's love becomes more and more apparent with time. So many churches try to scare one into accepting Christ but the key is not scare tactic, it's love. God really does love us just like our mothers love us but on an infinitely deeper level. I'm so glad I belong to a church who loves people to Christ. I'm so glad I have a Mother God. He is the ultimate parent for sure.