So.....
Many things have been churning in my mind and for quite some time.
I'm perplexed about faith and religion and church and the like. Strange, isn't it - to be still so unsure of one's spirtuality after having spent one's whole life IN CHURCH ?
My faith is intact and STRONG. However, I don't fully grasp what I'm doing here. Why is church so important and what is my role? One can have faith without church and many people attend church without faith. Why am I so drawn to it and why is it so important that my loved ones share that with me? I honestly don't have an answer for that question just yet.
And we are taught that we are called to be disciples - followers of Jesus. We are also taught to be Christ like. So, does that mean that as we follow Jesus and His teachings, we become more like him? Do we? ever? I mean, it seems so ebb and flow.... Sometimes we are very on cue with Christ, but others not so much. I would think that if you truly follow and spend time with Christ, this should be a constant - not an ever changing cycle. Perhaps that is just the human part of this. We are moody and emotional and NEVER constant.
So it is, I suppose with our relationships. Not just with Christ, but with everyone. I don't like it. I'm tired of emotions. I'm tired of good days, bad days and in between days. I crave consistency.
Because this is beyond my control then I must make choices that provide stability in my life and maybe that's where church comes in. It is one constant that has alway been a part of what makes me feel whole. It is the one place where most everyone there (for the most part) knows how love should go - even if they don't always practice it.
I can't control how others love, but I can control how I choose to do it. If I'm true to my instinct, the best way is always the way Christ loved. It's far from the easiest way or the most comfortable way but it seems to me that He modeled it this way for a reason. My instinct also says that although people may come into our lives randomly, we are still to love like Christ loved. Sometimes that means that our love is not returned the way we would wish. Sometimes that means our love is ignored. Sometimes, life takes our love and stomps on it, or poisons it with cancer, or gets angry with it. Sometimes our love is overshadowed by other human distractions or worse, completely rejected.
I believe that we've experienced all of those at one time or another and I'm positive that I haven't always kept on loving. In fact, I've done the opposite in most scenarios. But mistakes are how we learn. Ease and comfort don't work. Sometimes we have to be uncomfortable, sometimes our feelings have to get hurt, sometimes we have to take life's arrows in the gut - but we can't let those things kill our love. We have to keep loving. The only way to guard our hearts is to keep using them - even when it goes beyond our human will to do so. Don't let your love die. It's the only way to live out Christ's legacy.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
And God said, "No."
When I was little, I asked God to make candy be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables - and God said NO. When I was a teenager, I asked God to make me naturally thin with no acne and God said NO. When I was an older teen and dealing with the first phases of an autoimmune disease, I asked God to heal me and God said NO. When I was in college, I asked God to show me the right career path and God said NO. As a young adult, I asked God to help me understand my husband and God said NO. As a young mother, I asked God for more sleep and God said NO. As I neared my 40's, I asked God to heal my marriage and God said NO.
Sometimes all we hear is NO, NO, NO.
After all of those negative answers to my questions, I pouted for a bit. Then I cried. Then I spent time angry at God, asking why. Why must life be so stinkin' difficult?
But after the biggest NO of my life (the divorce), I began to realize that those negatory answers might have been the very clearest pathways to some of my best YESSES!
When I realized candy would never be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables, I eventually decided I liked my leafy greens. YES! When I realized that I would have to deal with my weight and the occasional pimple, I learned to look beyond the physical and realize how much more there is to a person - including myself. YES! When I figured out there was no cure for my autoimmune disease and God wasn't going to heal me, I found ways of coping and new medications were developed that ease my symptoms. And it's not life threatening or severe enough to be debilitating so I really nothing to complain about. YES! I may not have ever found the right career path, but I got to spend time as a stay home mom. YES! I'll never understand men, but I've got some really great girlfriends who understand me. YES! I may not have gotten more sleep as a young mother but I'm getting quite a bit as a mother of teens which may be even more important. YES! God didn't heal my marriage, but He did heal my hurts and help me find myself again. YES!
Sometimes NO is a YES waiting to happen.
So, I've had a few NO's lately. And I pouted. And I cried. Got mad. Asked why. Just like before. But at the same time, I'm not too terribly upset over them because I know that there is a yes waiting to happen, when the time is right and when I've learned what I needed to learn from the no's.
In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the yesses and learning to be thankful for the no's. And that's what helps me sleep at night - knowing that no matter how hard life gets, there's a reward around the corner or maybe a chance for me to be someone's YES.
Sometimes all we hear is NO, NO, NO.
After all of those negative answers to my questions, I pouted for a bit. Then I cried. Then I spent time angry at God, asking why. Why must life be so stinkin' difficult?
But after the biggest NO of my life (the divorce), I began to realize that those negatory answers might have been the very clearest pathways to some of my best YESSES!
When I realized candy would never be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables, I eventually decided I liked my leafy greens. YES! When I realized that I would have to deal with my weight and the occasional pimple, I learned to look beyond the physical and realize how much more there is to a person - including myself. YES! When I figured out there was no cure for my autoimmune disease and God wasn't going to heal me, I found ways of coping and new medications were developed that ease my symptoms. And it's not life threatening or severe enough to be debilitating so I really nothing to complain about. YES! I may not have ever found the right career path, but I got to spend time as a stay home mom. YES! I'll never understand men, but I've got some really great girlfriends who understand me. YES! I may not have gotten more sleep as a young mother but I'm getting quite a bit as a mother of teens which may be even more important. YES! God didn't heal my marriage, but He did heal my hurts and help me find myself again. YES!
Sometimes NO is a YES waiting to happen.
So, I've had a few NO's lately. And I pouted. And I cried. Got mad. Asked why. Just like before. But at the same time, I'm not too terribly upset over them because I know that there is a yes waiting to happen, when the time is right and when I've learned what I needed to learn from the no's.
In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the yesses and learning to be thankful for the no's. And that's what helps me sleep at night - knowing that no matter how hard life gets, there's a reward around the corner or maybe a chance for me to be someone's YES.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Fairy Tale mentality
Baby Girl is born, she is wrapped in pink and treated like a princess.
Toddler girl begins to learn what fairy tales are. Is given princess costumes and tiaras.
Preschool girl watches princess movies and discovers the concept of prince.
School girl learns about "happily ever after".
High School girl - begins to wish that someday her prince will come.
College girl looks for prince, a big white dress and sees happily ever after on the horizon.
Young woman gains the prince, wore the dress and begins to have princes and princesses of her own.
Middle aged woman loses sight of the fairy tale. Decides happily ever after was a myth.
Older woman decides happily ever after is dependent on herself and no one else.
Elderly woman sees that happily ever is attainable but not in this lifetime.
There is just something about the fairy tale that stays with a woman. It takes on different meanings at different stages of her life. Some women keep trying to find the prince but find most men fall short. Some women decide early on its a worthless pursuit. Some women hold dearly to the dream, let-down after let-down but are determined that their life will have that happy ending one day.
No matter what attitude a woman has adopted there is one thing I think that all women want. We want someone who will fight for us. I would even go as far as to say that this type of person would even bring hope to the woman who no longer believes in happily ever after. There's just one problem with that desire - It's hard to find someone that can actually live up to it.
Thing is, I really believe that most men are fighters. They want to be our knights in shining armor as much as we want them to be. But perhaps we are not always so princess-like or inspiring. It's really hard to fight for something that you may not believe in OR it's really hard to fight for someone that's already fighting with you.
We may want men to (excuse my vulgarity here) "grow some balls" but often we are the ones who cut them off in the first place.
And let's face it - if it's not us doing that then it's the crazy world we live in. It's the crazy stupid world that makes us insane so we go off on our men and decide to take captive their balls so they can't fight anymore OR it's the crazy stupid world, that beats down our men sapping their energy and then leaving us vulnerable. The crazy stupid world attacks us ALL.
It really doesn't matter what it is - my point is that we need to self examine before we make judgement - as do our men. We are often left vulnerable, but are we empowering our men? And even if we are the picture of perfect femininity and grace, do we ever stop and put ourselves in their shoes and really think about what they might be going through? Are we praying for them and loving them the way we've been taught in 1 Corinthians 13?
I no longer believe happily ever after is a myth but I do believe that I have a role in making that my life. Love is not something that just happens to you. Love is an action and I have as much responsibility to act on it as I have to receive it properly and without expectation.
Now, do princes actually exist? knights in shining armor? Perhaps not the way the fairy tales portray them but I know at least one guy who fits the job description - and he even fought for me this week! Sorry all you princess wannabes - this one is mine!
All men have it in them - they just need the right lady in waiting to bring it out. BE that girl...... you'll see.
Toddler girl begins to learn what fairy tales are. Is given princess costumes and tiaras.
Preschool girl watches princess movies and discovers the concept of prince.
School girl learns about "happily ever after".
High School girl - begins to wish that someday her prince will come.
College girl looks for prince, a big white dress and sees happily ever after on the horizon.
Young woman gains the prince, wore the dress and begins to have princes and princesses of her own.
Middle aged woman loses sight of the fairy tale. Decides happily ever after was a myth.
Older woman decides happily ever after is dependent on herself and no one else.
Elderly woman sees that happily ever is attainable but not in this lifetime.
There is just something about the fairy tale that stays with a woman. It takes on different meanings at different stages of her life. Some women keep trying to find the prince but find most men fall short. Some women decide early on its a worthless pursuit. Some women hold dearly to the dream, let-down after let-down but are determined that their life will have that happy ending one day.
No matter what attitude a woman has adopted there is one thing I think that all women want. We want someone who will fight for us. I would even go as far as to say that this type of person would even bring hope to the woman who no longer believes in happily ever after. There's just one problem with that desire - It's hard to find someone that can actually live up to it.
Thing is, I really believe that most men are fighters. They want to be our knights in shining armor as much as we want them to be. But perhaps we are not always so princess-like or inspiring. It's really hard to fight for something that you may not believe in OR it's really hard to fight for someone that's already fighting with you.
We may want men to (excuse my vulgarity here) "grow some balls" but often we are the ones who cut them off in the first place.
And let's face it - if it's not us doing that then it's the crazy world we live in. It's the crazy stupid world that makes us insane so we go off on our men and decide to take captive their balls so they can't fight anymore OR it's the crazy stupid world, that beats down our men sapping their energy and then leaving us vulnerable. The crazy stupid world attacks us ALL.
It really doesn't matter what it is - my point is that we need to self examine before we make judgement - as do our men. We are often left vulnerable, but are we empowering our men? And even if we are the picture of perfect femininity and grace, do we ever stop and put ourselves in their shoes and really think about what they might be going through? Are we praying for them and loving them the way we've been taught in 1 Corinthians 13?
I no longer believe happily ever after is a myth but I do believe that I have a role in making that my life. Love is not something that just happens to you. Love is an action and I have as much responsibility to act on it as I have to receive it properly and without expectation.
Now, do princes actually exist? knights in shining armor? Perhaps not the way the fairy tales portray them but I know at least one guy who fits the job description - and he even fought for me this week! Sorry all you princess wannabes - this one is mine!
All men have it in them - they just need the right lady in waiting to bring it out. BE that girl...... you'll see.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Seek and Ye Shall Find?
I am at home on a Sunday morning in July. That's very unusual behavior for me. It's church day. Church has been a part of my life since the beginning. I can't remember a time that I wasn't involved in church. I've been to many - switched denominations, visited with friends, watched online, listened on the radio, etc. There have been seasons in my life where church was a burden - another thing to do in my ever long list of "obligations". There have also been seasons where church was just routine, or maybe habit. There have been seasons where church was done only so my kids would have the experience. In fact, when I look back over my life I realize that the majority of my years were spent going to church for all the wrong reasons.
However, the last two years were the exception. My kids are now old enough that they can choose whether or not to go. I am no longer married so I don't have the spousal expectation that I attend. It has been completely my choice. No obligations to go, no need for routine attendance and no feelings of parental duty. I had the privilege of belonging to a congregation of incredibly loving and uplifting people so the choice was easy. I went because I wanted to.
I wanted to go for many reasons. I loved the people. I needed the social interaction. The pastors gave incredible messages that I needed to hear. I was able to participate in things I love - singing, teaching, learning and most of all fellowship. It helped complete me and contributed to my wholeness. The church accepted me when I was a mess, nurtured me back to health and then showed me ways I could do the same for others. I was able to give and receive - two very important things Christ asks of us.
But was that simply congregational? Before that two year season of my life, I really hadn't experienced that kind of church since high school. Or is it also in the timing? Churches experience highs and lows just like individuals do.
Whatever it is, it makes it doubly difficult to find a church now. Moving away from such an incredible congregation makes it hard not to expect to find it again somewhere new. I think I'm going to have to let go of the idealistic ideas in my mind - or at least archive them for awhile. I believe it is attainable again, but it may be that it has to be implemented somewhere new that may be in a slump or just getting started in learning about what makes outsiders feel wanted.
Churches suck at making people feel wanted.
But... look at me - throwing stones at the church from the comfort of my bed on a Sunday morning when I had every opportunity to go. It's not guilt I'm feeling though. It's discouragement. And although it may be understandable, it's simply not acceptable. How can I do anything about it if I don't put myself out there? I vowed to live life outside the box but I keep crawling back in. I am supposed to be the exception to the rule. May today's missed opportunity be the catalyst for new growth. No looking back, no projecting forward - just living in the moment day to day, thankful for the blessings in my life and knowing that God still holds me close to His heart - whether I stay in bed on a Sunday morning or trudge forward in my quest for a place to worship.
However, the last two years were the exception. My kids are now old enough that they can choose whether or not to go. I am no longer married so I don't have the spousal expectation that I attend. It has been completely my choice. No obligations to go, no need for routine attendance and no feelings of parental duty. I had the privilege of belonging to a congregation of incredibly loving and uplifting people so the choice was easy. I went because I wanted to.
I wanted to go for many reasons. I loved the people. I needed the social interaction. The pastors gave incredible messages that I needed to hear. I was able to participate in things I love - singing, teaching, learning and most of all fellowship. It helped complete me and contributed to my wholeness. The church accepted me when I was a mess, nurtured me back to health and then showed me ways I could do the same for others. I was able to give and receive - two very important things Christ asks of us.
But was that simply congregational? Before that two year season of my life, I really hadn't experienced that kind of church since high school. Or is it also in the timing? Churches experience highs and lows just like individuals do.
Whatever it is, it makes it doubly difficult to find a church now. Moving away from such an incredible congregation makes it hard not to expect to find it again somewhere new. I think I'm going to have to let go of the idealistic ideas in my mind - or at least archive them for awhile. I believe it is attainable again, but it may be that it has to be implemented somewhere new that may be in a slump or just getting started in learning about what makes outsiders feel wanted.
Churches suck at making people feel wanted.
But... look at me - throwing stones at the church from the comfort of my bed on a Sunday morning when I had every opportunity to go. It's not guilt I'm feeling though. It's discouragement. And although it may be understandable, it's simply not acceptable. How can I do anything about it if I don't put myself out there? I vowed to live life outside the box but I keep crawling back in. I am supposed to be the exception to the rule. May today's missed opportunity be the catalyst for new growth. No looking back, no projecting forward - just living in the moment day to day, thankful for the blessings in my life and knowing that God still holds me close to His heart - whether I stay in bed on a Sunday morning or trudge forward in my quest for a place to worship.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Workin' On a Smile
Sometimes you just have a bad day. Sometimes even though logic tells you that it will pass, it is still all consuming and it causes your otherwise positive outlook on life to veer to the negative. Even those things that were good yesterday begin to look a little, well..... blah.
Why is it that we have to have such highs and lows in life? Why does it have to be such a struggle to find every glass half full? Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes no matter in what light you see that glass, it still looks more empty than full.
How much of these deep valley days are self inflicted? Do we really choose our attitudes or do they just happen upon us?
There's more than one way to slice an apple. Do we remember to slice it so we see the star or do we more often just cut it to the core as quickly as we can so as to gobble it up and satisfy our cravings?
I believe that today I forgot to look for the star. I was too consumed by work, relationships, life in general to take time to slice the apple artfully. Not that I won't have bad days when I remember the star..... I just think the impact will be lessened. Maybe?
And perhaps I'm grasping at straws. I can't be all Pollyanna Sunshine all the time. I can't fill this whole blog with hope! Who does that? While in my gut I know that this is a moment that will pass and likely tomorrow I will be all happy again, there are just times when Debbie Downer has to show herself. Wah, Wah.
These are the moments that either make or break a woman. I'm pretty sturdy so I guess that means there's a project in the works..... Can you guess what it is?
Operation Take One Down - from the song:
‘Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie You work on a smile and you go for a ride. ~Daniel Powter.
Why is it that we have to have such highs and lows in life? Why does it have to be such a struggle to find every glass half full? Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes no matter in what light you see that glass, it still looks more empty than full.
How much of these deep valley days are self inflicted? Do we really choose our attitudes or do they just happen upon us?
There's more than one way to slice an apple. Do we remember to slice it so we see the star or do we more often just cut it to the core as quickly as we can so as to gobble it up and satisfy our cravings?
I believe that today I forgot to look for the star. I was too consumed by work, relationships, life in general to take time to slice the apple artfully. Not that I won't have bad days when I remember the star..... I just think the impact will be lessened. Maybe?
And perhaps I'm grasping at straws. I can't be all Pollyanna Sunshine all the time. I can't fill this whole blog with hope! Who does that? While in my gut I know that this is a moment that will pass and likely tomorrow I will be all happy again, there are just times when Debbie Downer has to show herself. Wah, Wah.
These are the moments that either make or break a woman. I'm pretty sturdy so I guess that means there's a project in the works..... Can you guess what it is?
Operation Take One Down - from the song:
‘Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie You work on a smile and you go for a ride. ~Daniel Powter.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Not What I Ordered
Ever been to a restaurant and ordered food but got something entirely different than what you expected? Are you disappointed or ready to try something new? Some of my favorite foods have happened upon me this way. I think I want one thing and then am presented another - only to find out that this new thing is soooooo much better than what I thought I wanted originally.
I think often our prayers work out that way too. We think we know what we want and ask God accordingly. Sometimes we get exactly what we ask for and other times.....eh, not so much. The thing I'm learning about those not so much moments is that more often than not - there is something even better around the corner - something I don't know about or understand yet. I think sometimes He has to prepare my palate to be ready to taste this sweeter thing that's in store for me. Perhaps I even have to swallow a few bitter morsels before I can truly appreciate the gift that's waiting.
I think that's sort of what is happening with me now. I think I put in an order for what I thought I wanted.... something that perhaps I've tasted before and thought I liked. Or maybe I looked at that big sweet cupcake thinking I wanted it and didn't realize that prime rib was not only more delicious but also more sustaining. Maybe my little girl side is still wishing for that fairy tale not realizing what a delight that epic novel could be. Really now..... who wants a tootsie roll when you could have an amazing 5 course meal? Not only would that meal provide more variety for the palate but it would also nourish the body in so many more ways.
Before I can appreciate that 5 course meal, I've got to get through a few nights of Taco Bell I guess..... And that's quite alright. It's those fast food nights that give me time to prepare for the big meal, time to write the entries of my epic novel, time to develop the taste buds needed to savor every morsel of love that life promises to bring.
Every life event is a gift - even those that hurt, even those that make us angry, even those that don't make sense. It's those things that make up our story, shape our thinking, create our masterpieces! True art does not come without difficulty and the most beautiful sites on earth were created from adverse conditions. God is just subtle like that. He wants us to connect the dots and see His hand in things; wants us to search for Him. It's then that we see how He really is there.
Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are my ways your ways declares the Lord.
1 Corinthians 13:13 Trust steadily in God. Hope unswervingly. LOVE extravagantly!
I think often our prayers work out that way too. We think we know what we want and ask God accordingly. Sometimes we get exactly what we ask for and other times.....eh, not so much. The thing I'm learning about those not so much moments is that more often than not - there is something even better around the corner - something I don't know about or understand yet. I think sometimes He has to prepare my palate to be ready to taste this sweeter thing that's in store for me. Perhaps I even have to swallow a few bitter morsels before I can truly appreciate the gift that's waiting.
I think that's sort of what is happening with me now. I think I put in an order for what I thought I wanted.... something that perhaps I've tasted before and thought I liked. Or maybe I looked at that big sweet cupcake thinking I wanted it and didn't realize that prime rib was not only more delicious but also more sustaining. Maybe my little girl side is still wishing for that fairy tale not realizing what a delight that epic novel could be. Really now..... who wants a tootsie roll when you could have an amazing 5 course meal? Not only would that meal provide more variety for the palate but it would also nourish the body in so many more ways.
Before I can appreciate that 5 course meal, I've got to get through a few nights of Taco Bell I guess..... And that's quite alright. It's those fast food nights that give me time to prepare for the big meal, time to write the entries of my epic novel, time to develop the taste buds needed to savor every morsel of love that life promises to bring.
Every life event is a gift - even those that hurt, even those that make us angry, even those that don't make sense. It's those things that make up our story, shape our thinking, create our masterpieces! True art does not come without difficulty and the most beautiful sites on earth were created from adverse conditions. God is just subtle like that. He wants us to connect the dots and see His hand in things; wants us to search for Him. It's then that we see how He really is there.
Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are my ways your ways declares the Lord.
1 Corinthians 13:13 Trust steadily in God. Hope unswervingly. LOVE extravagantly!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
The Things We Can't Have..... at least for now.
So I haven't written in almost 2 months...... that may be a record! There are perks to being busy I guess. The mind gets torn so many different directions that it doesn't have time to over-analyze the mysteries of life. I've been accused of thinking TOO much in the past - perhaps I'm now in a place where that is no longer a problem. Not a problem for those who accused me of that anyway - kind of an issue with me. I actually like to think. I like to have long conversations with others who like to think. I like to pinpoint exactly what I believe and sometimes that takes awhile - I'm fickle and sometimes easily influenced.
So I'm back with the new thing that's bothering me lately..... as you know, I tend to write about the things I need to work out in my head. For some reason, I'm questioning life again. I went through a good solid year at least of just accepting it, feeling content and going with the flow. Perhaps that's easy when things are going the way you want. And what's weird about this now is that things HAVE gone and ARE going just the way I would want them to...... to a degree. There are a few very minor things that I could request from God (and that I do ask for quite often) but overall I'm really happy. The move went smoothly, I love my house, I love Norman, work is satisfactory (never great) and the kids seem really happy too.
But..... there are things I miss and things I long for that seem very out of reach. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't get me down sometimes. I'm not going to list those things I miss or desire simply because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just want to know why.... What is it about human nature that makes us want the very thing we can't have OR want NOW what we know must take time. This whole instant gratification thing is frustrating me. I *know* that the most wonderful things in life are those that we have to wait for. Wait for it,,,,,waaaaaaaait for it! But instead of being a patient, mature adult - I am more like a 3 year old ready to throw a tantrum or that wants to ask why all the time? Why do I want it, Why can't I have it, or why can't I have it now?
And then my good old friend guilt enters the picture and throws daggers at me. How petty am I that I'm having a pity party over things I don't even need when there are so many who have lost everything in the recent tornadoes. They don't even have everything they NEED and here I am being selfish about a simple desire. What is wrong with me?
I guess I have become a little too self absorbed and I hate that! For instance, I realized today as I visited another church that I am approaching it the wrong way. I am looking for the church of the what-can-you-do-for-me instead of searching for a place where I can serve! I tend to look at all the activities these churches offer and gauge them by how interesting the activities appear. Instead, I need to look for the congregation I can see myself relating to, the place where I can plug in and actively participate - instead of being like a baby bird in a nest who looks at mama bird saying "feed me, feed me". When I left Elk, I felt like I was taking flight...... my baby bird days are history!
Similarly, I have regressed in my life. How has this happened? I have let life become about me and it's just not designed to be that way. I am not here on this earth to make my own life better - what's the point of that? I'm here to love, here to serve, here to care and here because Jesus no longer is. Of course, God is everywhere but we really can't sense Him or feel Him - well, most of us can't. The way we experience God is through people. People who know love the way God designed it, people who show love the way Jesus lived it, people who know how to love in action rather than get caught up in love the emotion.
So..... I need to get out of the box again. I know I'm right where I am supposed to be - fully, 100% confident in that. However, I'm missing some things and they are not things that are just going to come to me. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do a few things that I may not like initially. I simply can't go on this way - it's not healthy. I hesitate because life is already complicated so how in the world do I fit in more activity? I just do - because I need to - and the rest will work itself out. If I get outside myself for a bit, maybe just maybe, those things I long for and am waiting for will work themselves out even sooner than I think. As much as I want this life to be all about me, that's simply not where it's at, nor where it should be.
So I'm back with the new thing that's bothering me lately..... as you know, I tend to write about the things I need to work out in my head. For some reason, I'm questioning life again. I went through a good solid year at least of just accepting it, feeling content and going with the flow. Perhaps that's easy when things are going the way you want. And what's weird about this now is that things HAVE gone and ARE going just the way I would want them to...... to a degree. There are a few very minor things that I could request from God (and that I do ask for quite often) but overall I'm really happy. The move went smoothly, I love my house, I love Norman, work is satisfactory (never great) and the kids seem really happy too.
But..... there are things I miss and things I long for that seem very out of reach. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't get me down sometimes. I'm not going to list those things I miss or desire simply because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just want to know why.... What is it about human nature that makes us want the very thing we can't have OR want NOW what we know must take time. This whole instant gratification thing is frustrating me. I *know* that the most wonderful things in life are those that we have to wait for. Wait for it,,,,,waaaaaaaait for it! But instead of being a patient, mature adult - I am more like a 3 year old ready to throw a tantrum or that wants to ask why all the time? Why do I want it, Why can't I have it, or why can't I have it now?
And then my good old friend guilt enters the picture and throws daggers at me. How petty am I that I'm having a pity party over things I don't even need when there are so many who have lost everything in the recent tornadoes. They don't even have everything they NEED and here I am being selfish about a simple desire. What is wrong with me?
I guess I have become a little too self absorbed and I hate that! For instance, I realized today as I visited another church that I am approaching it the wrong way. I am looking for the church of the what-can-you-do-for-me instead of searching for a place where I can serve! I tend to look at all the activities these churches offer and gauge them by how interesting the activities appear. Instead, I need to look for the congregation I can see myself relating to, the place where I can plug in and actively participate - instead of being like a baby bird in a nest who looks at mama bird saying "feed me, feed me". When I left Elk, I felt like I was taking flight...... my baby bird days are history!
Similarly, I have regressed in my life. How has this happened? I have let life become about me and it's just not designed to be that way. I am not here on this earth to make my own life better - what's the point of that? I'm here to love, here to serve, here to care and here because Jesus no longer is. Of course, God is everywhere but we really can't sense Him or feel Him - well, most of us can't. The way we experience God is through people. People who know love the way God designed it, people who show love the way Jesus lived it, people who know how to love in action rather than get caught up in love the emotion.
So..... I need to get out of the box again. I know I'm right where I am supposed to be - fully, 100% confident in that. However, I'm missing some things and they are not things that are just going to come to me. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do a few things that I may not like initially. I simply can't go on this way - it's not healthy. I hesitate because life is already complicated so how in the world do I fit in more activity? I just do - because I need to - and the rest will work itself out. If I get outside myself for a bit, maybe just maybe, those things I long for and am waiting for will work themselves out even sooner than I think. As much as I want this life to be all about me, that's simply not where it's at, nor where it should be.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
10 days and counting
I have about 10 days left in Elk City and I can honestly say that I've never felt such opposite emotions consecutively in my entire life. When change occurs, I'm usually all for it or completely dreading it. This time it's different. It's different not just in the fact that I have conflicting feelings but it's different in that there is no question in my mind that it's what I need to do. In the past, I have initiated change with some hesitancy and then even second guessed it afterward. This time, in spite of my sadness over leaving, I'm certain this is exactly what is best...... for me, for the kids, for all involved.
I'm incredibly excited while at the same time overwhelmed by sentiment. I see new opportunities, new friendships and new discoveries where I'm headed; but I see cherished memories, loving friendships and comfortable familiarity that I'm leaving behind. The new location is full of potential but this community has nurtured me and helped me grow into the woman I am today.
Western Oklahoma has indeed become a part of me and a section of my heart will always be reserved for those I've known and loved here. I know logically that it's not really good-bye because I will keep in touch with so many, but any time change is coming I think it's good to take a few moments to mourn what is no longer going to be the norm. So much I will miss..... I once read a book about grief that pointed out if something wasn't important to you, there would be no need to mourn. This community must have been a big deal, because I'm already feeling the loss.
Over the next few days I will be getting around to a few short notes about my nearest and dearest here in Elk. They may be sappy and sentimental so take a little vacation from reading for a bit if that bothers you. Otherwise, get the tissues out. My heart is needing to bleed a bit.
I'm incredibly excited while at the same time overwhelmed by sentiment. I see new opportunities, new friendships and new discoveries where I'm headed; but I see cherished memories, loving friendships and comfortable familiarity that I'm leaving behind. The new location is full of potential but this community has nurtured me and helped me grow into the woman I am today.
Western Oklahoma has indeed become a part of me and a section of my heart will always be reserved for those I've known and loved here. I know logically that it's not really good-bye because I will keep in touch with so many, but any time change is coming I think it's good to take a few moments to mourn what is no longer going to be the norm. So much I will miss..... I once read a book about grief that pointed out if something wasn't important to you, there would be no need to mourn. This community must have been a big deal, because I'm already feeling the loss.
Over the next few days I will be getting around to a few short notes about my nearest and dearest here in Elk. They may be sappy and sentimental so take a little vacation from reading for a bit if that bothers you. Otherwise, get the tissues out. My heart is needing to bleed a bit.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
They Must Have Missed Him
It's Easter Sunday. I realized that this is my last Easter Sunday in Elk City. In fact, I only have 3 more Sundays here. I've known for quite some time that this was coming and as the time draws closer, I have noticed myself becoming more and more conflicted in my feelings about that.
I love this church. I love the worship styles offered. I love the doctrine. I love the fellowship opportunities. I love the pastors. But most of all, I love the people that make up the heart of our congregation. This church, as a whole, has been the sharpest example of Jesus I have ever known. And I mean EVER.
And although I am extremely excited about the new opportunities life will bring with my upcoming move, I am also extremely distraught over leaving the people that I love so much. Of course, it is not really goodbye because I will have opportunities to visit and will most certainly stay in touch with many of them. But it can never, ever be the same. I don't just see an exciting new future in my new location, but I also see exciting new things that are happening here with this church and it hurts to know that I will not be a part of those.
The premise of Easter just amplifies my conflicted emotion. I think of Jesus, his disciples, his friends and his family. He informed them of all the changes to come but it was difficult for them to really grasp the concept or understand what He was trying to tell them. As the crucifixion approached, they saw signs and began to be apprehensive. Then, on that most horrifying Friday, it all came to pass. They knew that life had changed forever. I would think that the mourning for Him began even before that day and intensified afterward. I would also think that once He arose, they knew it was all so bittersweet. It is significant that He showed Himself to them - to give them hope. But I would also think that it increased the grief for a time. If they loved Him like we love our dearest, they would have been happy to know He was in a good place where suffering no longer existed and that He was preparing a place for them, but they also must have ached for His company, missed His words of wisdom and longed to hug or kiss Him just one more time.
I would also think that as they began to heal from their grief, they found themselves stronger and somewhat inspired by the example His life was to them. They would begin to remember just what His loving words meant to them and they would begin to seek a life that would honor His. They would also realize that even though He was no longer physically with them, that He was with them in their hearts and souls and would be for the rest of their lives.
I can only think that this is what has happened in my experience with this great church family that I have been extremely blessed to know and love. It hurts my heart to leave, but yet I know the grief I feel will only lead to the fondest of memories and the inspiration to continue living their legacy. It will cause me to go forward in ways that would honor not only the people that nurtured me, but to empower me to pay forward the ways that have grown me into the woman God would want me to be.
It is rare to find a church that truly "gets it" but once you have, it can only inspire you to live out its example. I don't know for sure what my future holds, but I know that I have seen Jesus here and I know that because of that my life is changed. I will greatly miss this church but there is part of it that will always be with me helping me to make wise choices and look for loving ways to live their legacy. I have known others who feel the same as I - whom have gone other places and continued to live in a way that honors this congregation, and in turn, honors Jesus as well.
Much like I will never have the words to show the appropriate amount of gratitude to God for the gift of His grace, I can't find the words to show the amount of love I have for these people. Because of that, I must live in a way that they know that they have left their mark on me; just like we all must live in a way that shows the mark of Christ on our souls.
There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that is heavy on my mind today. This is how I hope to live out the gratitude and appreciation I have for those who have held me in their palms and nurtured me to a new life:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I love this church. I love the worship styles offered. I love the doctrine. I love the fellowship opportunities. I love the pastors. But most of all, I love the people that make up the heart of our congregation. This church, as a whole, has been the sharpest example of Jesus I have ever known. And I mean EVER.
And although I am extremely excited about the new opportunities life will bring with my upcoming move, I am also extremely distraught over leaving the people that I love so much. Of course, it is not really goodbye because I will have opportunities to visit and will most certainly stay in touch with many of them. But it can never, ever be the same. I don't just see an exciting new future in my new location, but I also see exciting new things that are happening here with this church and it hurts to know that I will not be a part of those.
The premise of Easter just amplifies my conflicted emotion. I think of Jesus, his disciples, his friends and his family. He informed them of all the changes to come but it was difficult for them to really grasp the concept or understand what He was trying to tell them. As the crucifixion approached, they saw signs and began to be apprehensive. Then, on that most horrifying Friday, it all came to pass. They knew that life had changed forever. I would think that the mourning for Him began even before that day and intensified afterward. I would also think that once He arose, they knew it was all so bittersweet. It is significant that He showed Himself to them - to give them hope. But I would also think that it increased the grief for a time. If they loved Him like we love our dearest, they would have been happy to know He was in a good place where suffering no longer existed and that He was preparing a place for them, but they also must have ached for His company, missed His words of wisdom and longed to hug or kiss Him just one more time.
I would also think that as they began to heal from their grief, they found themselves stronger and somewhat inspired by the example His life was to them. They would begin to remember just what His loving words meant to them and they would begin to seek a life that would honor His. They would also realize that even though He was no longer physically with them, that He was with them in their hearts and souls and would be for the rest of their lives.
I can only think that this is what has happened in my experience with this great church family that I have been extremely blessed to know and love. It hurts my heart to leave, but yet I know the grief I feel will only lead to the fondest of memories and the inspiration to continue living their legacy. It will cause me to go forward in ways that would honor not only the people that nurtured me, but to empower me to pay forward the ways that have grown me into the woman God would want me to be.
It is rare to find a church that truly "gets it" but once you have, it can only inspire you to live out its example. I don't know for sure what my future holds, but I know that I have seen Jesus here and I know that because of that my life is changed. I will greatly miss this church but there is part of it that will always be with me helping me to make wise choices and look for loving ways to live their legacy. I have known others who feel the same as I - whom have gone other places and continued to live in a way that honors this congregation, and in turn, honors Jesus as well.
Much like I will never have the words to show the appropriate amount of gratitude to God for the gift of His grace, I can't find the words to show the amount of love I have for these people. Because of that, I must live in a way that they know that they have left their mark on me; just like we all must live in a way that shows the mark of Christ on our souls.
There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that is heavy on my mind today. This is how I hope to live out the gratitude and appreciation I have for those who have held me in their palms and nurtured me to a new life:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Change is good, Life is good.
I haven't written in awhile mostly because life is so crazy busy. I never in a million years thought that I would become one of those moms who has something every night! And .... I probably wouldn't be if I weren't dividing my time between Elk City and Norman. But that has been a good change - so good, in fact that Norman is going to be my new home in about 5 weeks. I would like to think that life might slow down a bit once I get there, but I'm afraid it may just get busier. And - I'm ok with that!
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
God Calling - What? Why? and HOW!?!
After last Sunday, I began to wonder - am I the only one who gets a bit nervous when the pastor starts preaching about our purpose in life or what God is calling us to do? It's not that I don't want to do what God asks of me - quite the contrary. It's the what of it that makes me nervous. What is my calling? I feel a definite tug at my heart when this subject comes up and I have ideas of what I believe God wants of me. However, if I explore these ideas in detail I become overwhelmed, unworthy, incapable and the logisitcs of making it happen seem insurmountable. I mean, I have responsibilities right? I have to be able to support not only myself, but my children and what if my idea of this "calling" is way off base? What if it is NOT what God wants of me?
Did Moses feel this way? Jonah? Paul?
I went to early service last week and afterward I was troubled. As I drove home, I stewed over it a bit. Then the thought occurred to me that I was worrying over something that I could not in any way, shape or form work out on my own. If my idea of this calling is correct, then it is actually out of my hands to a degree. If that is indeed what God wants for my life, all I can do is rely on Him to open the doors for me. When I got home, Anna then wanted to go to the later service and didn't want to go alone. So I went with her. Different service this time with a different pastor but the SAME message. God definitely has a plan - not just for me, but for my children, for my friends and for YOU.
After this particular service, I was no longer nervous or troubled. I realized that His calling is not about me or my abilities or my responsibilites, it is about His grace and His extension of that grace not just to me but to everyone. God wants me to just be who I am - because He made me this way for a reason. He wants me to just relax and quit trying to "help" Him. There is nothing about me that I can change or improve or fine tune that will help Him accomplish what He wants. In the same way, my circumstances have molded me into who I am today in such a way that He can use them in just the way He wants. He has done all the work necessary within me, my only responsibility is for me to accept this molding and let Him continue with finishing touches.
There is a book called Eat, Pray, Love - it's a good book but it reminds of what my calling is right at this very moment. It's pretty much that simple. Be Fed by His Word, talk to Him daily and continue loving. I may have messed up love in the past but our biggest mistakes deliver our most valuable lessons. Rarely do I make the same mistake twice. I understand love now - more than I ever have. It's funny how when something like love injures you most, you realize the only way to overcome that pain is to love even more.
Try it. It works.
And then know this: our calling does not have to be complicated. our calling is to love and be ourselves. God will do the rest. We don't have to be someone we're not in order to please God. He will take us, flaws and all. Quit looking around at everyone else and wishing to be more like her/him or less like you. You are perfect just the way you are!
Hebrews 10:14
With one sacrifice, then, he has made perfect forever those who are purified from sin.
Did Moses feel this way? Jonah? Paul?
I went to early service last week and afterward I was troubled. As I drove home, I stewed over it a bit. Then the thought occurred to me that I was worrying over something that I could not in any way, shape or form work out on my own. If my idea of this calling is correct, then it is actually out of my hands to a degree. If that is indeed what God wants for my life, all I can do is rely on Him to open the doors for me. When I got home, Anna then wanted to go to the later service and didn't want to go alone. So I went with her. Different service this time with a different pastor but the SAME message. God definitely has a plan - not just for me, but for my children, for my friends and for YOU.
After this particular service, I was no longer nervous or troubled. I realized that His calling is not about me or my abilities or my responsibilites, it is about His grace and His extension of that grace not just to me but to everyone. God wants me to just be who I am - because He made me this way for a reason. He wants me to just relax and quit trying to "help" Him. There is nothing about me that I can change or improve or fine tune that will help Him accomplish what He wants. In the same way, my circumstances have molded me into who I am today in such a way that He can use them in just the way He wants. He has done all the work necessary within me, my only responsibility is for me to accept this molding and let Him continue with finishing touches.
There is a book called Eat, Pray, Love - it's a good book but it reminds of what my calling is right at this very moment. It's pretty much that simple. Be Fed by His Word, talk to Him daily and continue loving. I may have messed up love in the past but our biggest mistakes deliver our most valuable lessons. Rarely do I make the same mistake twice. I understand love now - more than I ever have. It's funny how when something like love injures you most, you realize the only way to overcome that pain is to love even more.
Try it. It works.
And then know this: our calling does not have to be complicated. our calling is to love and be ourselves. God will do the rest. We don't have to be someone we're not in order to please God. He will take us, flaws and all. Quit looking around at everyone else and wishing to be more like her/him or less like you. You are perfect just the way you are!
Hebrews 10:14
With one sacrifice, then, he has made perfect forever those who are purified from sin.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Cleaning Out Closets
I find it ironic, that as I begin to clean out closets in preparation to move in a few months that I am also bombarded with emails, verses, etc that are themed with the subject of forgiveness.
I am, by nature, a very forgiving person...... to a point. However, if the wrongs just keep on coming I tend to shut down the forgiveness pool. I know and realize that forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you allow the other person to remain present in your life. But even if that person is no longer a part of your life, it is sometimes hard to really let go of the pain they caused. It's easy to let it fester and much easier to let go of them with negative feelings than with fond ones.
It's no secret that I've put my best effort into taking the high road through divorce. And mostly, I feel that I have let negative feelings go. I still have a great deal of respect for my former spouse and in many ways will always love him. However, lately with all the messages on forgiveness I've been getting, I can't help but wonder if I've totally "cleaned out my closet" of anger and resentment. I think that there are still a few mementos I'm hanging onto for some odd reason and I know I've got to dig them out and throw them away.
So I learned today that the word forgive has several meanings in scripture - one of them being kaphar - which in Greek means to purge or pitch. It originates from the Hebrew word for atonement - which is to cleanse or cover. Suzie Eller states, "Kaphar forgiveness is a gift. It allows you to pitch the past and its entanglements, and it covers the new relationship with God's grace." And that right there is why I've got to get serious about cleaning out my closets. Suzie wanted to restore a relationship and that was the goal of her forgiveness. I'm not needing to restore a relationship but I am beginning a new one. In order for this new one to reach its full potential, I must know my closets are clean. If I want God's continuing grace where I am going, I will not bring the skeletons of my past along with me. I must lay them to rest and leave them right where they belong.
Part of doing that is realizing that so much of our lives are completely out of our control. We do make mistakes that cause chaos at times but when true tragedy happens, I believe we are victims of circumstance. It's not about the errors I made in marriage OR the things that he did wrong - it is the combination of our mistakes with our circumstances that led to the place we are now. It's about making peace with the past and not dwelling on it - even if you or someone else is partly to blame. Ann Voskamp summarizes this well:
What is in the past has already been forgiven. What a gift! If I can accept that gift, then I should surely be able to pay it forward and let all that negativity stay where it belongs. The future is my opportunity to give back. The future is my opportunity to acknowledge that even bad things can lead to good and to be thankful that through that circumstance, I have been changed for the better. Ann also says:
You’ve only accepted Christ as your Lord without reservation — as much as you have accepted your life as a gift without regret.
It has always been my goal to live without regret. Today that is no different. However, today I have had the experiences of the past to help me live in ways that lead to prosperity and not demise.. We definitely learn from our mistakes - very expensive lessons at times. But they are valuable lessons that help us embrace our future, not just with confidence but with grace. Precious gifts...... yes gifts! Those things that left me with resentment...... are gifts. So as I for-give - I am learning that this process involves giving those things ~back~ to God first. Then we may pay it forward (a new way to think of for-giving; giving forward) - extending grace to those who have wronged us.
It's not just about extending that grace to the person who wronged us, but it's about the bigger picture of living victoriously - free from the burden of negativity - free to go forward and truly live!
The best is yet to be.
I am, by nature, a very forgiving person...... to a point. However, if the wrongs just keep on coming I tend to shut down the forgiveness pool. I know and realize that forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you allow the other person to remain present in your life. But even if that person is no longer a part of your life, it is sometimes hard to really let go of the pain they caused. It's easy to let it fester and much easier to let go of them with negative feelings than with fond ones.
It's no secret that I've put my best effort into taking the high road through divorce. And mostly, I feel that I have let negative feelings go. I still have a great deal of respect for my former spouse and in many ways will always love him. However, lately with all the messages on forgiveness I've been getting, I can't help but wonder if I've totally "cleaned out my closet" of anger and resentment. I think that there are still a few mementos I'm hanging onto for some odd reason and I know I've got to dig them out and throw them away.
So I learned today that the word forgive has several meanings in scripture - one of them being kaphar - which in Greek means to purge or pitch. It originates from the Hebrew word for atonement - which is to cleanse or cover. Suzie Eller states, "Kaphar forgiveness is a gift. It allows you to pitch the past and its entanglements, and it covers the new relationship with God's grace." And that right there is why I've got to get serious about cleaning out my closets. Suzie wanted to restore a relationship and that was the goal of her forgiveness. I'm not needing to restore a relationship but I am beginning a new one. In order for this new one to reach its full potential, I must know my closets are clean. If I want God's continuing grace where I am going, I will not bring the skeletons of my past along with me. I must lay them to rest and leave them right where they belong.
Part of doing that is realizing that so much of our lives are completely out of our control. We do make mistakes that cause chaos at times but when true tragedy happens, I believe we are victims of circumstance. It's not about the errors I made in marriage OR the things that he did wrong - it is the combination of our mistakes with our circumstances that led to the place we are now. It's about making peace with the past and not dwelling on it - even if you or someone else is partly to blame. Ann Voskamp summarizes this well:
You don’t get to make up most of your story. You get to make peace with it.
You don’t get to demand your life, like a given. You get to accept your life, like a gift.
Beginnings and middles, they are only yours to embrace, to unwrap like a gift.
But you get the endings. You always get the endings.
You get the endings and you get to make them a gift back to the Giver.
You get the endings and you get to make them a gift back to the Giver.
What is in the past has already been forgiven. What a gift! If I can accept that gift, then I should surely be able to pay it forward and let all that negativity stay where it belongs. The future is my opportunity to give back. The future is my opportunity to acknowledge that even bad things can lead to good and to be thankful that through that circumstance, I have been changed for the better. Ann also says:
You’ve only accepted Christ as your Lord without reservation — as much as you have accepted your life as a gift without regret.
It has always been my goal to live without regret. Today that is no different. However, today I have had the experiences of the past to help me live in ways that lead to prosperity and not demise.. We definitely learn from our mistakes - very expensive lessons at times. But they are valuable lessons that help us embrace our future, not just with confidence but with grace. Precious gifts...... yes gifts! Those things that left me with resentment...... are gifts. So as I for-give - I am learning that this process involves giving those things ~back~ to God first. Then we may pay it forward (a new way to think of for-giving; giving forward) - extending grace to those who have wronged us.
It's not just about extending that grace to the person who wronged us, but it's about the bigger picture of living victoriously - free from the burden of negativity - free to go forward and truly live!
The best is yet to be.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
When is enough, enough?
How long is long enough to overlook the ways someone is trying to take advantage of you? How long do you shrug something off, choose to look away or turn the other cheek. How long do you try to feel sorry for them, have mercy on them or even try to help them when all they do is continue to assume the worst, play mind games or even full-on insult you?
All is NOT fair in love and war.
I've had more than my share of fairness. And quite honestly, I can handle the abuse. However, it's when my children are put in the middle that I draw the line. They are innocent by-standers that should not have to endure the petty arguments of adults.
I've spent more than enough time trying to wrap my brain around a reasonable compromise in effort to keep the peace. I'm leaving that energy here in this blog tonight. No more! I wash my hands of it. It's pointless to try to do the right thing if you're only going to get stabbed in the back. Even worse if your children have to carry the knife!
And yet -- I simply cannot harbor this hurt, anger or disbelief. I choose to work through this conflict with forgiveness in mind. Why? Not because the Bible tells me so..... But because it's just dang good advice. The Bible is actually full of dang good advice. It's a mental health manual! I am letting go of negativity because it is best for ME. It has nothing to do with the other person but everything to do with my own well being. Sound selfish? Perhaps. But sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish in order to be selfless later on when it really matters.
So bring it Mr.Miserable! You may wish your worst nightmare on me but there's not a darn thing you can do to make that happen. I'm sorry life hasn't been kind to you but that doesn't mean you can spoil mine. I hope that you can some day see all the ways God wants to bless you if you will only take a moment to let Him - and quit trying to do life your way.
Mark 4:24-25
“Listen carefully to what I am saying—and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world on your own. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity. Stinginess impoverishes.”
All is NOT fair in love and war.
I've had more than my share of fairness. And quite honestly, I can handle the abuse. However, it's when my children are put in the middle that I draw the line. They are innocent by-standers that should not have to endure the petty arguments of adults.
I've spent more than enough time trying to wrap my brain around a reasonable compromise in effort to keep the peace. I'm leaving that energy here in this blog tonight. No more! I wash my hands of it. It's pointless to try to do the right thing if you're only going to get stabbed in the back. Even worse if your children have to carry the knife!
And yet -- I simply cannot harbor this hurt, anger or disbelief. I choose to work through this conflict with forgiveness in mind. Why? Not because the Bible tells me so..... But because it's just dang good advice. The Bible is actually full of dang good advice. It's a mental health manual! I am letting go of negativity because it is best for ME. It has nothing to do with the other person but everything to do with my own well being. Sound selfish? Perhaps. But sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish in order to be selfless later on when it really matters.
So bring it Mr.Miserable! You may wish your worst nightmare on me but there's not a darn thing you can do to make that happen. I'm sorry life hasn't been kind to you but that doesn't mean you can spoil mine. I hope that you can some day see all the ways God wants to bless you if you will only take a moment to let Him - and quit trying to do life your way.
Mark 4:24-25
“Listen carefully to what I am saying—and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world on your own. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity. Stinginess impoverishes.”
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Adversity Breeds Contentment?
I'm in a very contemplative mood today and feel fortunate to have the afternoon to myself. There are many changes on the horizon and perhaps I'm beginning to get a bit anxious about them. I'm starting to work myself up into a frenzy over things that I just have no control over. I really need to relax. The perfectionist tendencies of my youth are beginning to appear again and I have to keep reminding myself that perfection is a myth. Even if it were possible, it is pointless because nobody can relate to a perfect person and I don't want to be that girl.!
So perhaps the decisions I've made are good and perhaps some of them are not so good. That's life. Trial and error; live and learn. I've said before that mistakes are how we learn and I believe in that. Some of our trials are even outside our control, have nothing to do with our choices and give us a lesson or two in spite of our circumstances. I believe that is exactly how I came to this place I lovingly call contentment.
It's odd to me, how our biggest times of adversity can lead us to the most comfortable places in life. When things get so bad that we have no choice but to completely give up - that's not always a bad thing. I believe sometimes we run out of solutions for a reason. We can use our God given resources only to a point - and then we have to let the Expert take over. What is most interesting to me about that, is that when we finally give up control then we find ourselves on a journey we never would have imagined possible. Our dreams are so limited. We think we know what we want..... but actually have no idea. We think we know where we want to go - but when we try to get there, all we find are problems. When we give up, and let ourselves be led - the journey becomes so much more than we ever could have imagined.
I spent a great many years searching for contentment. It was something I felt I could find on my own. I did not need anyone's help - I just needed to do this, or that, or achieve this, or acquire that or make this new goal, or look for that dream. I wanted happily ever after but I did not believe in fairy tales. On top of all that discontentment, life just didn't make sense to me. I was never satisfied and always looking for more. I wanted to make sense of this crazy world and was frustrated by the fact that I could not understand my circumstances - nor could I fix them. So I went a bit rogue and just decided to turn my world and the world of those I love completely upside down.
And guess what? It hurt. A LOT. and perhaps at times, it still hurts. However, it took shaking things up to calm my spirit down. It took a complicated situation to realize that the only way to simplify life was to make some changes. It took ending complacency and replacing it with adversity to get to the place of contentment I so longed for. It was a risk but one that has paid off in the end.
Life still throws curve balls and always will. However contentment has been found. It's not about the trials life brings but about being comfortable when we are not in control. It's in knowing how much we are blessed even when horrible things happen. It's in understanding that we are true to ourselves even when others question our integrity. It's about giving up our worries and knowing that just as God has taken care of all our yesterdays, He will also get us through each and every tomorrow.
Do I still want for things? Of course - that's only human. However, I am now able to want but still have appreciation for what I've been given and know that if nothing else is ever given to me again, I'm living a a rich, full life that is only getting better with time. God wants us to have His best and I know that it is yet to be. I trust His timing in that but will enjoy each and every gift along the way - even those that may be disguised in adversity.
So perhaps the decisions I've made are good and perhaps some of them are not so good. That's life. Trial and error; live and learn. I've said before that mistakes are how we learn and I believe in that. Some of our trials are even outside our control, have nothing to do with our choices and give us a lesson or two in spite of our circumstances. I believe that is exactly how I came to this place I lovingly call contentment.
It's odd to me, how our biggest times of adversity can lead us to the most comfortable places in life. When things get so bad that we have no choice but to completely give up - that's not always a bad thing. I believe sometimes we run out of solutions for a reason. We can use our God given resources only to a point - and then we have to let the Expert take over. What is most interesting to me about that, is that when we finally give up control then we find ourselves on a journey we never would have imagined possible. Our dreams are so limited. We think we know what we want..... but actually have no idea. We think we know where we want to go - but when we try to get there, all we find are problems. When we give up, and let ourselves be led - the journey becomes so much more than we ever could have imagined.
I spent a great many years searching for contentment. It was something I felt I could find on my own. I did not need anyone's help - I just needed to do this, or that, or achieve this, or acquire that or make this new goal, or look for that dream. I wanted happily ever after but I did not believe in fairy tales. On top of all that discontentment, life just didn't make sense to me. I was never satisfied and always looking for more. I wanted to make sense of this crazy world and was frustrated by the fact that I could not understand my circumstances - nor could I fix them. So I went a bit rogue and just decided to turn my world and the world of those I love completely upside down.
And guess what? It hurt. A LOT. and perhaps at times, it still hurts. However, it took shaking things up to calm my spirit down. It took a complicated situation to realize that the only way to simplify life was to make some changes. It took ending complacency and replacing it with adversity to get to the place of contentment I so longed for. It was a risk but one that has paid off in the end.
Life still throws curve balls and always will. However contentment has been found. It's not about the trials life brings but about being comfortable when we are not in control. It's in knowing how much we are blessed even when horrible things happen. It's in understanding that we are true to ourselves even when others question our integrity. It's about giving up our worries and knowing that just as God has taken care of all our yesterdays, He will also get us through each and every tomorrow.
Do I still want for things? Of course - that's only human. However, I am now able to want but still have appreciation for what I've been given and know that if nothing else is ever given to me again, I'm living a a rich, full life that is only getting better with time. God wants us to have His best and I know that it is yet to be. I trust His timing in that but will enjoy each and every gift along the way - even those that may be disguised in adversity.
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