So I haven't written in almost 2 months...... that may be a record! There are perks to being busy I guess. The mind gets torn so many different directions that it doesn't have time to over-analyze the mysteries of life. I've been accused of thinking TOO much in the past - perhaps I'm now in a place where that is no longer a problem. Not a problem for those who accused me of that anyway - kind of an issue with me. I actually like to think. I like to have long conversations with others who like to think. I like to pinpoint exactly what I believe and sometimes that takes awhile - I'm fickle and sometimes easily influenced.
So I'm back with the new thing that's bothering me lately..... as you know, I tend to write about the things I need to work out in my head. For some reason, I'm questioning life again. I went through a good solid year at least of just accepting it, feeling content and going with the flow. Perhaps that's easy when things are going the way you want. And what's weird about this now is that things HAVE gone and ARE going just the way I would want them to...... to a degree. There are a few very minor things that I could request from God (and that I do ask for quite often) but overall I'm really happy. The move went smoothly, I love my house, I love Norman, work is satisfactory (never great) and the kids seem really happy too.
But..... there are things I miss and things I long for that seem very out of reach. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't get me down sometimes. I'm not going to list those things I miss or desire simply because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just want to know why.... What is it about human nature that makes us want the very thing we can't have OR want NOW what we know must take time. This whole instant gratification thing is frustrating me. I *know* that the most wonderful things in life are those that we have to wait for. Wait for it,,,,,waaaaaaaait for it! But instead of being a patient, mature adult - I am more like a 3 year old ready to throw a tantrum or that wants to ask why all the time? Why do I want it, Why can't I have it, or why can't I have it now?
And then my good old friend guilt enters the picture and throws daggers at me. How petty am I that I'm having a pity party over things I don't even need when there are so many who have lost everything in the recent tornadoes. They don't even have everything they NEED and here I am being selfish about a simple desire. What is wrong with me?
I guess I have become a little too self absorbed and I hate that! For instance, I realized today as I visited another church that I am approaching it the wrong way. I am looking for the church of the what-can-you-do-for-me instead of searching for a place where I can serve! I tend to look at all the activities these churches offer and gauge them by how interesting the activities appear. Instead, I need to look for the congregation I can see myself relating to, the place where I can plug in and actively participate - instead of being like a baby bird in a nest who looks at mama bird saying "feed me, feed me". When I left Elk, I felt like I was taking flight...... my baby bird days are history!
Similarly, I have regressed in my life. How has this happened? I have let life become about me and it's just not designed to be that way. I am not here on this earth to make my own life better - what's the point of that? I'm here to love, here to serve, here to care and here because Jesus no longer is. Of course, God is everywhere but we really can't sense Him or feel Him - well, most of us can't. The way we experience God is through people. People who know love the way God designed it, people who show love the way Jesus lived it, people who know how to love in action rather than get caught up in love the emotion.
So..... I need to get out of the box again. I know I'm right where I am supposed to be - fully, 100% confident in that. However, I'm missing some things and they are not things that are just going to come to me. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do a few things that I may not like initially. I simply can't go on this way - it's not healthy. I hesitate because life is already complicated so how in the world do I fit in more activity? I just do - because I need to - and the rest will work itself out. If I get outside myself for a bit, maybe just maybe, those things I long for and am waiting for will work themselves out even sooner than I think. As much as I want this life to be all about me, that's simply not where it's at, nor where it should be.
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