Since I have this Four theme going I'm sticking with "for" words in my titles.... Kind of silly but they keep me on target. Last time I wrote sappy, sweet loving things in "FORE" and got hit right smack dab on the head - a few times at least. Perhaps I had just been hit on the head when I wrote that because it's just a bit ridiculous. After 4 years with someone who still doesn't make progress, you would think I would wake up and quit hoping but I think maybe I've been hit on the head (or in the heart) one too many times.
Why is this one area I don't want to give up control?
I've done so well in every other area trusting God with the outcomes, with my well being - understanding His will is SO much better than mine. But the thought of being alone for the rest of my life just fills me with so much sorrow. And it's dumb really, because it's not the end of the world and I actually like the solitude most of the time. I just don't understand why I pout about it so much. I need to let go of this desire but I'm not sure how.
And then there's the HE that's involved. He's changed my life forever. Perhaps part of God's plan in a way? But is HE supposed to be in my future? The indicators at this time are pointing to a big fat NO as they do often.
I have been blessed this year. So many prayers answered. So many worries resolved. So many fears relieved. If God has His hand upon me in these other areas, would He neglect me in this one? I think not. I think that I have to admit to being outside His will and set my will aside. He knows my heart, but He also knows best for me. Alone may be my best and if so, I need to learn to love it.
I am so grateful for His provision, mercy and grace. Greedily hanging on to this one thing does not line up with my gratitude. There is a Proverb that states to those who are given much will have much required of them. It's time for me to let go and quit this forgery of blessing and call it what it is.... my will over God's.
It's not until I do that that I can forge ahead. 4 years. Not wasted. Treasured, always..... but no longer stuck.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Fore!
It's been almost two years since I've written. That's mostly been because life has been so full that I've not been able to put it into words or make the time to document it. I also haven't felt ready to be as vulnerable with the world because I'm just not sure that most can understand my story.
And while there is no way I could divulge the details even if I wanted to, I can talk about how my life has changed. If you followed my writing at all, you noticed a drastic decline about 4 years ago. That's when everything changed for me. At that time, I met the man who would alter the very definition of my existence forever.
No, I'm not talking about God - although I'm certain God brought him into my life. I'm not talking about my husband - I still don't have one of those, although I have hope. I'm not talking about my boyfriend - although this man was that to me for many of those years. I'm talking about a man with whom I currently have this undefined relationship that challenges me and sharpens me in ways I never imagined.
When he entered my life, I was filled with this overwhelming sense of gratitude. It seemed as if I understood redemption for the first time. As if grace had touched me personally and given me a gift I never deserved - a good gift - something much better than I expected. It was like the old "life isn't fair" phrase had been turned inside out but in a good way and I had gotten so much more than I deserved.
I had no idea of the trials we would go through in the years ahead.
Obviously you have some idea from the fact that 4 years later and he is not my husband or even still my boyfriend that our road has been rocky to say the least. I'm not here to discuss that. I don't even keep score or remember half of the things we've been through. When I have forgiven him, I have truly forgiven him. He may be the first that I have been able to give this kind of grace to aside from my children.
What I do want to point out is that some people enter your life and they become not just part of it but part of you. I've only experienced with a few people. I think it's a given with your children at least until they become adults. They always stay part of you - but you being part of them eventually ends in most cases. The mutuality is rare. However I found it 4 years ago and it changed me. It won't matter who else I invite into my life, he is part of it now - part of me now.
And he feels the same. So we work together and we try to understand each other and we figure out the things that went wrong. Little by little, like pieces of a puzzle, a picture starts to come together. Each time it does, I see something more beautiful than the last. And why is that? I think it's because that's how love works. Mother Theresa said, "When you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And her words have carried me through every test and trial of this relationship.
So - FORE! a little term used in golf to warn other players that a ball is coming their way. Four years ago I met this crazy, sweet, adorable man of mine but I know I have to be watching for any balls headed our direction OR could it be that we together may just hit one in the right direction this year ?!?!
And while there is no way I could divulge the details even if I wanted to, I can talk about how my life has changed. If you followed my writing at all, you noticed a drastic decline about 4 years ago. That's when everything changed for me. At that time, I met the man who would alter the very definition of my existence forever.
No, I'm not talking about God - although I'm certain God brought him into my life. I'm not talking about my husband - I still don't have one of those, although I have hope. I'm not talking about my boyfriend - although this man was that to me for many of those years. I'm talking about a man with whom I currently have this undefined relationship that challenges me and sharpens me in ways I never imagined.
When he entered my life, I was filled with this overwhelming sense of gratitude. It seemed as if I understood redemption for the first time. As if grace had touched me personally and given me a gift I never deserved - a good gift - something much better than I expected. It was like the old "life isn't fair" phrase had been turned inside out but in a good way and I had gotten so much more than I deserved.
I had no idea of the trials we would go through in the years ahead.
Obviously you have some idea from the fact that 4 years later and he is not my husband or even still my boyfriend that our road has been rocky to say the least. I'm not here to discuss that. I don't even keep score or remember half of the things we've been through. When I have forgiven him, I have truly forgiven him. He may be the first that I have been able to give this kind of grace to aside from my children.
What I do want to point out is that some people enter your life and they become not just part of it but part of you. I've only experienced with a few people. I think it's a given with your children at least until they become adults. They always stay part of you - but you being part of them eventually ends in most cases. The mutuality is rare. However I found it 4 years ago and it changed me. It won't matter who else I invite into my life, he is part of it now - part of me now.
And he feels the same. So we work together and we try to understand each other and we figure out the things that went wrong. Little by little, like pieces of a puzzle, a picture starts to come together. Each time it does, I see something more beautiful than the last. And why is that? I think it's because that's how love works. Mother Theresa said, "When you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And her words have carried me through every test and trial of this relationship.
So - FORE! a little term used in golf to warn other players that a ball is coming their way. Four years ago I met this crazy, sweet, adorable man of mine but I know I have to be watching for any balls headed our direction OR could it be that we together may just hit one in the right direction this year ?!?!
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