Fore!

It's been almost two years since I've written.  That's mostly been because life has been so full that I've not been able to put it into words or make the time to document it.  I also haven't felt ready to be as vulnerable with the world because I'm just not sure that most can understand my story.

And while there is no way I could divulge the details even if I wanted to, I can talk about how my life has changed.  If you followed my writing at all, you noticed a drastic decline about 4 years ago.  That's when everything changed for me.  At that time, I met the man who would alter the very definition of my existence forever.

No, I'm not talking about God - although I'm certain God brought him into my life.  I'm not talking about my husband - I still don't have one of those, although I have hope.  I'm not talking about my boyfriend - although this man was that to me for many of those years.  I'm talking about a man with whom I currently have this undefined relationship that challenges me and sharpens me in ways I never imagined.

When he entered my life, I was filled with this overwhelming sense of gratitude.  It seemed as if I understood redemption for the first time.  As if grace had touched me personally and given me a gift I never deserved - a good gift - something much better than I expected.  It was like the old "life isn't fair" phrase had been turned inside out but in a good way and I had gotten so much more than I deserved.

I had no idea of the trials we would go through in the years ahead.

Obviously you have some idea from the fact that 4 years later and he is not my husband or even still my boyfriend that our road has been rocky to say the least.  I'm not here to discuss that.  I don't even keep score or remember half of the things we've been through.  When I have forgiven him, I have truly forgiven him.  He may be the first that I have been able to give this kind of grace to aside from my children.

What I do want to point out is that some people enter your life and they become not just part of it but part of you. I've only experienced with a few people. I think it's a given with your children at least until they become adults.  They always stay part of you - but you being part of them eventually ends in most cases.  The mutuality is rare.  However I found it 4 years ago and it changed me.  It won't matter who else I invite into my life, he is part of it now - part of me now.

And he feels the same.  So we work together and we try to understand each other and we figure out the things that went wrong.  Little by little, like pieces of a puzzle, a picture starts to come together.  Each time it does, I see something more beautiful than the last.  And why is that?  I think it's because that's how love works.  Mother Theresa said, "When you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."  And her words have carried me through every test and trial of this relationship.

So - FORE!   a little term used in golf to warn other players that a ball is coming their way.  Four years ago I met this crazy, sweet, adorable man of mine but I know I have to be watching for any balls headed our direction  OR  could it be that we together may just hit one in the right direction this year ?!?!