Withdrawal

Per Merriam Webster, withdrawal is definted as the following

with·draw·al

noun \-ˈdrȯ(-ə)l\

: an act of moving something away or taking something away
: an act of ending your involvement in something

: the act of taking money out of a bank account

As one who has curbed a couple of addictions lately, you would thing that I am very familiar with the term.  I cut out caffiene 90 days ago and gave up wheat and sugar almost 60 days ago.  I went through the normal withdrawal symptoms with each.  There were cravings, there were physical reactions and there were emotional responses.  Sugar was probably the hardest.

Once I got past the initial symptoms, it got easier with time and for the most part, I don't miss those things.  Sugar alone does not tempt me, nor does wheat alone but put them together in the form of a chocolate chip cookie and I'm grasping  for control.  I definitely still have my weaknesses and I've given in a time or two but I've been able to get right back on track afterward.

Recently I became aware of another thing that had control of me.  This time it was not food.  Like food, the thing in and of itself was not bad.  Some people can have caffiene, sugar and wheat without any issues whatsoever.  But I can't - those things cause trouble for me and in some ways even make me sick.    The thing I'm comparing is a relationship.  For most, it is a relationship that others tolerate very well - without trouble and without getting sick.  But for me, it became toxic.  Toxicity is sly - it happens without you realizing it.  Whether it is food or a relationship, you fall in love with it and want more of it and it can be incredibly good and even give feelings of happiness.  However, inside you're being damaged.  Before long, you experience pain and inflammation.  And then you're downright ill and you don't know why.

so you have to go through withdrawal.  you take something away; you end involvement; you take all the currency out of your emotional bank account......

AND YOU SIMPLY THROW IT ALL AWAY.

Just like you rid your pantry of tea, coffee, sugar, flour, etc - you rid your life of the relationship.

RIGHT?

I wish.  I'd give up anything else in the world you want me to give up than to go through this yet again.  But what is the cost of health?  What is the cost of real happiness?  Are those things even really attainable in these horrible temporary lives we lead? 

So many times I feel like I'm on the right path, or I'm finally getting the hang of this thing called life and then it all backfires.  We are given choices and sometimes we have to make them on the fly.  Sometimes we don't get to think about them before they become reality.  Sometimes, you're so sure you made the right choice and then the choice makes you.

My most recent choice has made me.  It's made me sad.  It's made me lonely.  It's made me really need GOD.  I don't know what's best or how to make this work out or why in the world I think I can have what I want.  It's not supposed to be about me.  That's exactly how addiction happens - it becomes about ME.  About what I want and when and how it makes ME feel.  When I put those things aside and think of food as fuel instead of as pleasure, I begin to get  healthy again.  So then with relationships, I nurture those that are good for me and eliminate those that are not.  Why is that so much easier said than done?

Why is it then that now the relationship is gone, that health means very little to me?