Not the only one

I recently discovered that a friend of mine - someone whom I would little expect - shared in a similar experience to one I have had. Occurrences like that happen all the time..... but not necessarily for this type of experience. When I was going through the whole ordeal, I wrestled with many emotions - fear, regret, shame. It was one of those experiences that feels good when you're in the middle of it but in hindsight makes you wonder what in the world you were thinking. One of those that, when all is out in the open, leave you wishing you could take it all back. It is a time that brings an incredible sense that you are alone....

Then - to find out you are not alone - to find out someone that you know and actually respect - has been in a similar situation and conquered it - is encouraging.....sort of. It would be I guess, if I felt I could comfortably know more. Details, I want details. Advice, I NEED advice! But yet, this friend is not one I can just call up and have comfortable girl talk with. OR - maybe I could but don't want to overstep any boundaries.

And therein lies one of my biggest flaws, issues, whatever you want to call it. I ~long~ for more female friendships. I have many friends yes - but they are surface friends. There are but a few that I can have real, honest conversations with. Only a couple that I tell everything to. Not even a handful that I know within my heart of hearts will love me no matter what ugliness I end up revealing when showing the real me. I hold back regularly. I don't initiate outings or make calls to check on people. I don't go out of my way to have conversations other than in passing. I am fearful of imposing, or being perceived as presumptive. I worry too much about what others will think instead of just putting that aside and making 'dates' with my girlfriends. And in doing that, I keep people at arms length I suppose.

And why? Why do I let fear rule my relationships? I've been hurt yes - but who hasn't? Hurt is always a risk when forming any type of relationship but is that any reason to remain alone? Assuming risk has never been my forte. I'm conservative. I play it safe. Playing it safe though, reduces one's chances of winning the big prize. So at this point I have to assess if I want the prize or if I want to remain safe. Will putting myself out there expose me to volatility or inspire me to blossom? And if I remain to myself to avoid hurt, then why am I still hurting so much?

Guess it's time (gulp) to admit my flaws, put myself out there and see who bites. Perhaps the flawed me will actually be more attractive to others than the put-together me. I will never have all the answers, I will always need help and love and support. I just hope it doesn't come across as needy.... because, as we all know - I am perfectly capable of going it alone. Just not very happy doing it that way.

Lent Virgin

So the season of Lent is now upon us. Ashamedly I admit that this is the first year I've actually observed it. The main reason is that I spent too many years in the Southern Baptist Church - not something I regret really but it did keep me from learning about the deep spirtual meanings behind the rituals of the liturgical church. Advent is another special time that I've come to appreciate as well. Both are times of preparation and reflection. Christmas and Easter are both are times that we as Christians should truly reflect on God's gifts to us and seek His plan for our lives. To truly do this, we must take time to prepare ourselves for true fellowship and worship with him. We must cleanse ourselves of 'self' in a way and direct our thoughts, actions and intentions more on Him and others. Like any sort of training, this takes time and will not happen overnight.

As for Lent specifically, the intent is self sacrifice. Christians give up something they love so that whenever they crave and want for that particular thing, they are reminded of Christ's ultimate sacrifice for us. It can also be giving up something that distracts us or gets in the way of our focus on Christ which is ultimately where my sacrifice came in.... I gave up something I love that also tends to distract me from more important activities - Facebook. I like to tell myself that I tune into Facebook to keep up with others -but honestly, I do it for myself. When I log in, it almost instantly draws me in and commands my attention - sometimes for hours on end. Luckily, I am not one to have Facebook on my phone or this sacrifice would be nearly impossible.

But beyond my spiritual reasons for giving up Facebook are also personal reasons. I need better balance in my life. God needs my attention - yes but so do my children, my husband and MY HOUSE !!! Yikes! I'm trying to juggle yet have no talent for this. The root of the problem I feel is that I have turned my focus inward and that has turned my world inside out. If I learn to put my eye back on the prize (our Heavenly Father) then it's only natural that my attentions will be directed on those who need me and off myself. Then maybe, just maybe everything else will fall into place and the need to juggle will be gone.

So - here I go again....

Oh wow. I'm really hopelessly out of practice at this blogging business. This is a side I've certainly let go - much like my step aerobics phase. I am now back on the step and my butt is screaming so I hope getting back on the blog doesn't send my psyche into some kind of painful eruption!

Somehow I have managed to link this blog to my facebook page and I have been unsuccessful in figuring out how I did that so that I can undo it. I really don't want the whole world seeing my blog.... It's too transparent and too personal at times. It is meant only for the select few - those whom I know love me anyway - even when my thoughts, feelings, etc are less than stellar. So that has been my excuse for not writing.... I don't want to clutter my facebook page with anything more than a few little quips about my day.

So I suppose I will work on getting the link deleted somehow, but in the meantime I guess the facebook world will get to know more than they really wanted to know about me. That is, if I can blog truthfully knowing it may still get blasted out for all the world to see.

What I'm dealing with now? Wondering if some friendships I've formed are real.... Feeling overwhelmed by work and stuff that needs to be done at home..... Worrying about my baby boy who is definitely not a baby anymore :( Lamenting over the stupid drama that occurs in a small town..... missing the place I call 'home'. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe it's just seasonal mood disorder. Or maybe, just maybe - God's tapping me on the shoulder telling me it's time to crawl back into His palm and let Him love me.