Not the only one

I recently discovered that a friend of mine - someone whom I would little expect - shared in a similar experience to one I have had. Occurrences like that happen all the time..... but not necessarily for this type of experience. When I was going through the whole ordeal, I wrestled with many emotions - fear, regret, shame. It was one of those experiences that feels good when you're in the middle of it but in hindsight makes you wonder what in the world you were thinking. One of those that, when all is out in the open, leave you wishing you could take it all back. It is a time that brings an incredible sense that you are alone....

Then - to find out you are not alone - to find out someone that you know and actually respect - has been in a similar situation and conquered it - is encouraging.....sort of. It would be I guess, if I felt I could comfortably know more. Details, I want details. Advice, I NEED advice! But yet, this friend is not one I can just call up and have comfortable girl talk with. OR - maybe I could but don't want to overstep any boundaries.

And therein lies one of my biggest flaws, issues, whatever you want to call it. I ~long~ for more female friendships. I have many friends yes - but they are surface friends. There are but a few that I can have real, honest conversations with. Only a couple that I tell everything to. Not even a handful that I know within my heart of hearts will love me no matter what ugliness I end up revealing when showing the real me. I hold back regularly. I don't initiate outings or make calls to check on people. I don't go out of my way to have conversations other than in passing. I am fearful of imposing, or being perceived as presumptive. I worry too much about what others will think instead of just putting that aside and making 'dates' with my girlfriends. And in doing that, I keep people at arms length I suppose.

And why? Why do I let fear rule my relationships? I've been hurt yes - but who hasn't? Hurt is always a risk when forming any type of relationship but is that any reason to remain alone? Assuming risk has never been my forte. I'm conservative. I play it safe. Playing it safe though, reduces one's chances of winning the big prize. So at this point I have to assess if I want the prize or if I want to remain safe. Will putting myself out there expose me to volatility or inspire me to blossom? And if I remain to myself to avoid hurt, then why am I still hurting so much?

Guess it's time (gulp) to admit my flaws, put myself out there and see who bites. Perhaps the flawed me will actually be more attractive to others than the put-together me. I will never have all the answers, I will always need help and love and support. I just hope it doesn't come across as needy.... because, as we all know - I am perfectly capable of going it alone. Just not very happy doing it that way.