I haven't written in awhile mostly because life is so crazy busy. I never in a million years thought that I would become one of those moms who has something every night! And .... I probably wouldn't be if I weren't dividing my time between Elk City and Norman. But that has been a good change - so good, in fact that Norman is going to be my new home in about 5 weeks. I would like to think that life might slow down a bit once I get there, but I'm afraid it may just get busier. And - I'm ok with that!
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
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