I'm in a very contemplative mood today and feel fortunate to have the afternoon to myself. There are many changes on the horizon and perhaps I'm beginning to get a bit anxious about them. I'm starting to work myself up into a frenzy over things that I just have no control over. I really need to relax. The perfectionist tendencies of my youth are beginning to appear again and I have to keep reminding myself that perfection is a myth. Even if it were possible, it is pointless because nobody can relate to a perfect person and I don't want to be that girl.!
So perhaps the decisions I've made are good and perhaps some of them are not so good. That's life. Trial and error; live and learn. I've said before that mistakes are how we learn and I believe in that. Some of our trials are even outside our control, have nothing to do with our choices and give us a lesson or two in spite of our circumstances. I believe that is exactly how I came to this place I lovingly call contentment.
It's odd to me, how our biggest times of adversity can lead us to the most comfortable places in life. When things get so bad that we have no choice but to completely give up - that's not always a bad thing. I believe sometimes we run out of solutions for a reason. We can use our God given resources only to a point - and then we have to let the Expert take over. What is most interesting to me about that, is that when we finally give up control then we find ourselves on a journey we never would have imagined possible. Our dreams are so limited. We think we know what we want..... but actually have no idea. We think we know where we want to go - but when we try to get there, all we find are problems. When we give up, and let ourselves be led - the journey becomes so much more than we ever could have imagined.
I spent a great many years searching for contentment. It was something I felt I could find on my own. I did not need anyone's help - I just needed to do this, or that, or achieve this, or acquire that or make this new goal, or look for that dream. I wanted happily ever after but I did not believe in fairy tales. On top of all that discontentment, life just didn't make sense to me. I was never satisfied and always looking for more. I wanted to make sense of this crazy world and was frustrated by the fact that I could not understand my circumstances - nor could I fix them. So I went a bit rogue and just decided to turn my world and the world of those I love completely upside down.
And guess what? It hurt. A LOT. and perhaps at times, it still hurts. However, it took shaking things up to calm my spirit down. It took a complicated situation to realize that the only way to simplify life was to make some changes. It took ending complacency and replacing it with adversity to get to the place of contentment I so longed for. It was a risk but one that has paid off in the end.
Life still throws curve balls and always will. However contentment has been found. It's not about the trials life brings but about being comfortable when we are not in control. It's in knowing how much we are blessed even when horrible things happen. It's in understanding that we are true to ourselves even when others question our integrity. It's about giving up our worries and knowing that just as God has taken care of all our yesterdays, He will also get us through each and every tomorrow.
Do I still want for things? Of course - that's only human. However, I am now able to want but still have appreciation for what I've been given and know that if nothing else is ever given to me again, I'm living a a rich, full life that is only getting better with time. God wants us to have His best and I know that it is yet to be. I trust His timing in that but will enjoy each and every gift along the way - even those that may be disguised in adversity.
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