Messes

I lost my will to blog awhile back and it's really a shame because it is very therapeautic *if* I can find the words to explain my feelings. The *if* part is why I haven't blogged much over the last 6 months. However - I've got to find the words. I've got to purge my system of emotion that builds up or I just might explode. I can feel it bubbling up inside. I have this great need to cry, and I can't even do that. I have hurt inside that goes way deep..... I buried it a long time ago when I should have spewed it out of my soul. It's the words that help me do that and for some reason the words have just not been there for me.

I have a knot in the pit of my stomach. I don't know what I want nor what I should want. I lost myself a long time ago and thought I saw glimpses of her coming back but that was just a tease. She is gone and will not return. Perhaps I should bury her as well. Perhaps I should dig up the hurt and put her in its place and reinvent myself. And then mourn.

The thing about mourning.... It's much easier to do when you have a support system and I must do this type of mourning alone. It has been a 6 month process already and I was really seeing progress and then I just made a big mess of things. It's like I had just completed weeded my flower garden and was beginning to see new buds, when a tornado came through and completely destroyed my effort. The thing is, it wasn't a random disaster that caused it - it was my own doing. I deliberately sabotaged my efforts and the thought of starting over is so daunting that it might just be impossible.