I had an ah-ha moment this morning while getting dressed. The different ways in which God chooses to speak to us are an amazement to me. This morning, He spoke to me through a pair of too-tight jeans! I think most women have had this experience and I think most women go through it telling lies to themselves. I started to do that myself this morning. But instead, I came to a realization.....
Most of my life has been spent in a constant weight battle. Why? There are a multitude of reasons - some within my control and some not. After losing 80 lbs over 3 years ago, I thought I had conquered this battle. For the last 3 years, I have not struggled in this area. Instead, I had struggles of a different nature. Now that I am addressing those issues, my food issues are back. I have been pouting about this and wondering why. After this morning, I KNOW why!
I did not kill the root of my problems. The root of my food issues and the root of my most recent issue are one and the SAME! The root is self esteem. I don't know one woman in this world that does not have this problem. Many times it is subtle. I can say to myself that I like me, that I like how I look or how smart I am or the way I do this or that - but all the while I see others and I compare. I wonder what someone thinks about this or that that I do or say..... or how I look in this or that. OR did I offend someone or say the wrong thing or have I been considerate enough or - - the list goes on and on and on. I know that I am not unique in the problem. There is not a woman on earth who doesn't tell herself lies about who she is, what she looks like, how well she performs, etc. And the after-effects of these lies can be brutal. They vary from over-eating to alcoholism to over-spending to seeking attention from men to OCD and the list could go on and on and on.
Why is this innate in all of us? Does it go back to Eve? Can you imagine how she kicked herself and beat herself down after she ate the fruit? Here she was - this happy-go-lucky cute, little naked hottie - be-boppin' her way through life when she makes one little mistake with consequences that would affect the lifestyles of all humankind to come. Can you imagine the weight of that sin? Not only does she now realize her little naked body is not so great and must be covered up, but she has to watch her beloved toil and sweat just so they can eat. Then she must go through unimaginable pain just to deliver a baby and all the while realize that because of her mistake, now all humankind will have pain and suffering in their lives. What do you think her self esteem was like after that? She didn't have any other females to compare herself to at the time, only the realization that she could never again be perfect.
Yet - somehow God got her through that. He loved her anway. He still took care of her - just made her work for it. He loved her so much that He gave her choices even though He knew she would not always make the right ones. Why do we spend so much time wanting the approval of others when the only thing that really matters is the approval of God? I think one reason is that it is sometimes hard to really grasp the concept of God. We don't actually hear Him or see Him. We know He is there but we pretty much ignore that fact most of the time. We know He loves us but again - that thought is so abstract. As humans we can never begin to understand just how much He loves us. I decided this morning that not only must I spend more time with the One who loves me most, but I must put the symbol of His love where I dress, where I look in the mirror and all the places where I am tempted to lie to myself. I am also going to spend more time building up other wonderful women I know because I just don't do enough of that. Women are critical by nature and we've got to stop comparing ourselves to others. God made us all and made us different for a reason. We don't always understand why but we don't need to. He knows why and He is in charge....
Does this mean I will quit dieting? No. One reason is I don't want to have to buy new clothes - the other is that I need to take care of ME. God loves me and He gave me this body. It is a precious gift and I don't want to trash it up. Will I be dieting because I want to look good so I will have better self esteem? No. That's where I went wrong in the first place. My self esteem needs to come from God - not from this nasty world. Is it just that easy to switch my focus? No. I am always going to compare, I am always going to nit pick and I will always have something about my body that I don't like. That's when I will go back to the cross - again and again - and ask God to show me the love - over and over. Fortunately for all of us, God is patient and does not mind repetition.
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