What I want

Because my life has taken the route of single living, I have been redirecting my thoughts to me, myself and I.  For the first time maybe ever - this is my life and I am the pilot.  I can go this direction or the other depending on my own whim at the given moment.   I can eat dinner or not eat dinner.  I can arrange my furniture the way I want, paint the walls any color I want, go to bed whenever I want, etc, etc.  At first this was uncomfortable for me.  It's my nature to defer to others.  However, I have begun settling in to this new way of thinking lately and letting it take hold.  Problem is, there are always consequences to selfish living.  There is a risk that you become all about me, myself and I - forever.

I don't want to be that girl.  Never have.  Why?  Because I'm fickle.  What I want one day will be entirely different the next.  I don't want to live strictly for me - that's shallow and empty.  I want to live for others, for my children, for someone special.  That is how the holes in my heart get filled.  Thing is, I can't effectively live for others without God's direction in my life.  I can't have a heart full of love without Him.  I can continue serving others and filling this hole or that, but it's not until I really defer to God that all those holes will fill.  When that happens, it won't matter if this person accepts me or rejects me.  I'll be able to love him not only out of sheer will or desire but because my heart is full with God's love.

So yes - during this time that I am single, my life is all about me.  But I can't be the true me without doing what God would have me do.  I can't listen to my mother or my friend or even my counselor because they all have a different opinion of who to love or not love.  None of them have the answer.  Even I don't have the answer yet.  All I know is that I trust my God.  He wants the best for me.  And if I keep doing that, eventually the human side of that will take shape and the answer will become clear.

This morning as I drove to work I got behind a slow car and began to get irritated.  As I sped around them, I shot a look over and my heart softened.  It was an elderly man in a cowboy hat driving his sweet little elderly wife to the doctor, or to see the grandkids, or just somewhere special that day - who knows?  All I know is that I teared up a little.  I want someone driving me to the doctor, or to see my grandkids, or just somewhere special.  I don't want to be the one driving myself.  But God patted me on the head and told me not to worry.  He's got me covered.  Whether I actually have that sweet little elderly man in my life one day or not, God's driving and he'll get me where I need to go.