The answer

So... if you've been reading my thoughts, you know I've been waiting for an answer and God has been silent. You also may know that over the past week, I've had a tremendous amount of time for thought and reflection. God finally spoke. At first His answer made perfect sense. He didn't give me all the info however. I've been asking alot of whys - like 3 year olds often do. Why this, why that? The main "why" I was struggling with was where He gave the answer - but He didn't tell me what do with that answer or how to act. So I did what I thought made sense. And I thought I would be ok with that. I thought it was the right thing to do. Never act without clear direction. It will hurt you.

I know now that my action was not necessarily what needed to be done - not yet anyway. There were a series of events that led to that realization. The first one was a strike of irony I can't explain in this blog. Something from the past that came back and hit me like a load of bricks. Then a whole flood of emotion, followed by calm, followed by a storm, followed by numbness. And then that whole lump in the pit of my stomach feeling that would not go away. My action obviously did not lead to peace - it lead to turmoil.

It is beginning to occur to me that I can't always live life based on what makes sense or is logical. Life is not based on logic. God does not always use reason or rationality for His greater good. We see it every day - miracles happen and never are they laced with a smidge of logic. I try so hard to be practical and do the right thing - but sometimes what I think is right is actually wrong. Maybe it's ok to go a little crazy now and then and defy logic and just let yourself feel....

So I guess God gave me a partial answer - which is good. He told me why. AND I'm SO THANKFUL for that why. I feel like I can quit searching in that area. But as to the what, when and how - I just have to rely on Him some more and know that in His precious timing, He will reveal to me the actions to be taken and then give me a peace about them. Am I still a bit uneasy? Of course! I am in uncharted territory. I am afraid. Afraid of the feelings, the uncertainty, the consequences. Risk. But God has my back. I'm trusting Him in that. and I'm trusting Him also to have the backs of those I love.