Melancholy Christmas

It's not necessarily a bad thing, I've decided, that every year at Christmas I become a bit melancholy. Christmas is a celebration - yes - but it's also a time of reflection for me I think. To some degree, it's kind of a let-down.... we spend so much time, energy and money in preparation to have it over with in less than a day most times. Perhaps my focus is wrong. Perhaps I'm too distracted with other issues. Perhaps my expectations are way too high. Whatever the cause, I find myself a little blue.

This year, I look at the 39 years that are behind me and I wonder - is this all there is? And then I feel extremely selfish and ungrateful for all I've been given. I am so richly blessed but why is it not enough? What is it that I'm looking for? What do I really want? Where is that little thing called contentment?

I find it very sad that my extended family has somewhat parted ways. I am no longer in touch with my cousins, aunts and uncles like we were so long ago. I basically see them at funerals. We make promises to stay in touch and get together but we never do. My own brother is often too busy to fit in quality time with my children. My mother tries.... But often falls short of my hopes. I just don't get how a group that was once so close knit, can be so distant now.

But look at all I have now! 2 beautiful, smart and talented children and a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. I have a great job that spoils me by letting me stay home almost every day. We live in a sweet little town full of wonderful friends who take good care of each other. Our church... could not be better!

In just a few minutes, I will go to church for our Christmas Eve service. I will sing some Christmas carols and hear beautiful music with an inspiring message from our pastor. I will pray and have communion. Maybe God is telling me something and maybe I just have seasonal mood disorder. All I know is I hope to find peace at some point. I am choosing joy at the moment so peace must follow.

Melancholy moments are necessary I think. Christmas is not such a bad time to have them. They spark introspection and foster change. With a new year around the corner, maybe this is exactly what I need.