So I'm still playing with the name.... It may change a few more times before I embrace it. However, Polka Dots, Daisies and Butterfly kisses are all kind of girlish. While they all were buzz words that had significance to me only, they were reminders of my lack of maturity. I like being young, don't get me wrong - I just would rather take those words that signify moments of my past and put them away in my hope chest of memories. My search now is for a new name that also has meaning to me only - not necessarily derived from buzz word reminders of semi-mistakes I made but words which make me think and remind me of the journey I have taken to get where I am today. For now, clipped wings is pretty significant. It is based on the following quote:
Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." ~Nathaniel Hawthorne
I spent a great many years in the pursuit of happiness. I have chased many dreams - most of them attained - only to realize these things are still not what makes me happy. Once one goal is reached, I find I need to have another. Or once one thing has been obtained, I see something else I want. I've done this my whole life. Ironically - the pursuit of happiness I've found - does not have to be searched. Happiness is here - with me - no matter what I have or what I've done. It is not something to be followed, or searched for, or worked on. It is something which is just part of me - if I will let it be. If I will count my blessings. If I will rely on God, not man to supply my needs emotionally, physically, mentally. Psalm 46:10 was shared with me a few years ago and it echoes in my mind often - "Be still and know that I am God". I have found that when I quit trying to control my life or pursue what I think I want or need - I end up finding exactly what I want and need and therefore the quote above applies.
The butterfly is another recurring theme in my journey. This beautiful creature - once an ugly caterpillar - was transformed. She not only became beautiful but she gained wings with which to fly. God gave me wings also but I've find I prefer not to fly.....yet. I tried the wings and flying is good and all - I'm just not ready. I still lack direction and I need to stay close to home until that becomes clear. So for now, I'm letting God clip these wings and work on my inner beauty so that when I finally do fly, the radiance of God is not mistaken and the freedom of flight does not lack direction. Not quite back to the cocoon but yet still close to the tree.
It's time to do away with the girlish prior name and embrace a more appropriate tone - even if I'm not fully matured yet. I just celebrated my 40th birthday - the 2nd half of my life begins now. I'd like to think the first half was spent maturing and the 2nd half will just be the refining. One day, I will fly. But for now, I am happy right where I am.
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