Haunted

Because I'm still in a state of emotional healing, sometimes I read things that hit me pretty hard. The following quote keeps replaying in my mind:

When left unresolved, the pain from our yesterdays can creep up in our todays and keep us from experiencing all God has for our tomorrows. (Renee Swope)

The more I rewind and replay this, the more I find little hurts from my childhood that are still haunting me today - though not in such an obvious way. I remember my preteen years thinking I needed to talk to someone - outside the family - someone neutral. I felt counseling was out of the question due to finances so I never asked and never sought help that I secretly longed for. Nothing drastic - just sadness and disappointment that were beginning to cloud my heart.

Then, as I got older, I began to see counseling as unnecessary. Surely I could handle just about anything life dealt me - I was a rational, reasonable young woman with my head on straight! And again - finances were in play. I'd much rather have a new outfit than pay for a counseling session. And again - the "I got this" attitude reigned supreme.

Now - many mistakes and many tears later - I am beginning to see that all that unresolved pain has been surfacing over the last several years and unfortunately, this time it isn't just affecting me. So much of it had been buried that as it came up, it not only covered me but spewed onto my innocent loved ones and likely cost me my marriage.

Funny how when we're sick we try to tough it out, but when it starts affecting our family, we go get help. So this tough girl finally did seek counseling and without it, I likely would have never had the aha moment that hit me today.

I have placed unrealistic expectations on those who love me. Why? Because years of disappointment and damaged emotion went untouched. I believe I expected my husband to be everything my father was lacking as a father to me and a husband to my mother. I created my own little version of happily ever after in my head and when reality didn't measure up, I began to blame my husband for that. As an adult when I finally began to repair my relationship with my father, he had a stroke which made that dream die and then caused me to put an unfair amount of pressure on my husband to be everything I had needed in my dad. It was an unconscious, unintentional but completely fatal error.

I know now what I should have done - beginning in those preteen years when I began to feel the pain of disappointment. I should have gone to my Heavenly Father and given my hurts to Him. I should have taken time to nurse my wounded emotions and learned that only God can heal those kinds of wounds. Self medication is completely useless for those kinds of scars. I needed to grasp the concept of forgiveness so I could release my feelings of anger, abandonment, disappointment and hurt. And lastly I now need to confess my sin of unrealistic expectation and let go of the idea that I have a right to "happily ever after". And I guess that is the purpose of this blog. Here it is, in black and white - an admission of my mistake and a quest for forgiveness.

I wouldn't expect a 13 year old girl to know what to do with damaged emotions so its not her I need to forgive. But I am now almost 40 and I know better than to bury the pain or cover up my mistakes. All I can do is go forward and try not make them again. I own my part in this and I am letting go of the blame for the part that others had. I've been given a clean slate and although it may get chalky from time to time, I've got a handy little eraser that can clean it up. I thank God for His ability to restore my clarity.

I've been hunting those skeletons in my closet for awhile now. Looks like I may have found them. With God's help, I believe I can chase them away and release the ghosts of my past into the infinite abyss where they will haunt me no more.

From now on, no more self-help remedies. No more "I got this" ideology. And no hurry on the healing. I will take my time, relying on His healing hand to get me through.

“In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.” Psalm 18:6a