"The reality is you have to take things the way they are, not the way you want them to be," says Dr. Jim A. Talley. "You have to face the fact that if you're single and you're divorced, you really are single and divorced." You may not want to be single, but reality does not cater to a person's desires.
This is my reality. I've struggled and lamented over it for months. But with the awakening of spring, it seems my acceptance has also bloomed. I have embraced being single and begun to see the positive aspects of it. Things happen that we can't control and life is almost never as we truly want it to be. It doesn't matter how badly we yearn for things to be different, ultimately we can't will a situation to come about.
I have learned that when life spirals out of control, instead of getting dizzy I find a focal point. If I focus on that, I avoid the fallout that happens after the spiral comes to a stop. Then I can begin to see the wonderful things in life and ignore the bad. When I begin to count my blessings and see my reality as God's gift, then I find acceptance much more obtainable.
Even the spiral itself is a blessing because the experience helps us down the road somehow.
The challenge is being happy in the middle of it or bold enough to change the way we think about it. One of God's greatest blessings is the ability to accomplish that.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Curve balls
Why is it that when you finally get issues all resolved in your head and you begin to feel some peace that life has to hit you right in the neck with a curve ball? What is that? Is it life's feeble attempt at testing our faith?
I'm not gonna lie - sometimes my faith wavers. Today I'm wavering..... teetering on the edge of cliff and almost ready to just take a big nose dive. The very trials similar to what I face today often make me want to throw in the towel and just be angry. Sometimes I want to reject God. Today is one of those days.
Today I doubt Him. Today I want to take the wheel. Today my control freak side was awakened and I'm ready to fight - but not a good fight - a very destructive evil fight of selfishness and folly.
It's days like today that take every ounce of courage I have to focus on what's real and true. Can't see the forest for the trees? I can't see the road for all of the doubt in the way. I didn't ask for this and don't deserve it. However when I calm down, I know it's not from God. I know I have to crawl back up into His palm and cry my tears of frustration and let Him hold me awhile.
Funny how sometimes advice is given even before its needed - but then stays with us. A good friend told me a while ago, "We all doubt, we have to doubt - that makes believing more sincere". Never would I have guessed that I would need it today. So yes I doubt but I'm choosing that at the moment. I'm going to reject that choice and believe that God still has a plan and He's working it out for me. I'm believing today that the attack will not be a hindrance but instead will be a fortress that will only serve to protect my faith and make it stronger.
I'm facing this curve ball and hitting it over the fence. I can conquer it and end up with a home run. No need for any more pain in the neck.
James 1:2-4
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 71:20
I'm not gonna lie - sometimes my faith wavers. Today I'm wavering..... teetering on the edge of cliff and almost ready to just take a big nose dive. The very trials similar to what I face today often make me want to throw in the towel and just be angry. Sometimes I want to reject God. Today is one of those days.
Today I doubt Him. Today I want to take the wheel. Today my control freak side was awakened and I'm ready to fight - but not a good fight - a very destructive evil fight of selfishness and folly.
It's days like today that take every ounce of courage I have to focus on what's real and true. Can't see the forest for the trees? I can't see the road for all of the doubt in the way. I didn't ask for this and don't deserve it. However when I calm down, I know it's not from God. I know I have to crawl back up into His palm and cry my tears of frustration and let Him hold me awhile.
Funny how sometimes advice is given even before its needed - but then stays with us. A good friend told me a while ago, "We all doubt, we have to doubt - that makes believing more sincere". Never would I have guessed that I would need it today. So yes I doubt but I'm choosing that at the moment. I'm going to reject that choice and believe that God still has a plan and He's working it out for me. I'm believing today that the attack will not be a hindrance but instead will be a fortress that will only serve to protect my faith and make it stronger.
I'm facing this curve ball and hitting it over the fence. I can conquer it and end up with a home run. No need for any more pain in the neck.
James 1:2-4
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 71:20
Monday, March 26, 2012
Alone but not lonely.
So life is not rosy. In fact it downright sucks more often than it's good - (wow how is that for glass half full idealism?) Actually I'm on a pretty even keel today but looking back at some of my lowest lows and wondering how I got back to level ground. How did I pull myself out of the holes I dug, the holes I simply fell into and the holes that I got pushed into at times? How do I keep myself from going back there? How do I remain true to the only One who remains true to me? T-H-E man - the Provider - the "One" as in Mr. Right? You see there is only one Mr. Right and He's not human. I can't touch Him, I can't cuddle with Him and I can't tangibly feel His arms around me.
I struggle with loneliness.... it's my thing. It doesn't matter that I'm single and it wouldn't change if I were married or in a relationship. That is my area of weakness and that is where I'm attacked. It's not that I'm clingy but I do tend to crave togetherness and affection. Part of that is normal but part of it is very, very needy. My first reaction is to deny the need. My second is to fill it inappropriately. Neither is acceptable.
So ... its a constant matter of prayer. What do I do when I am lonely. I go for long walks in the sunshine where I can feel the warmth of the Son. Those are His arms around me. I look for unique scenery in my long drives to work or beautiful flowers as I drive around town - those are little symbols of affection. I lay my head down on my pillow and think about all the blessings I've been given - my kids, my parents, my home, my health, my job - those are His love tokens to me. And I seek verses that describe His affection for me - those are direct touches from the One who first loved me - love notes from God.
And then I feel better..... less alone and not lonely. I don't believe this will be my struggle forever. I do believe that one day I will conquer this battle. But for now I fight it and hope that I fight it with all the right tools. One of my favorite tools would be the following:
Isaiah 43:4
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
How could I ever leave a love like that? It's the real deal. Complete truth. Someday I'll know it..... He will write it on my heart.
I struggle with loneliness.... it's my thing. It doesn't matter that I'm single and it wouldn't change if I were married or in a relationship. That is my area of weakness and that is where I'm attacked. It's not that I'm clingy but I do tend to crave togetherness and affection. Part of that is normal but part of it is very, very needy. My first reaction is to deny the need. My second is to fill it inappropriately. Neither is acceptable.
So ... its a constant matter of prayer. What do I do when I am lonely. I go for long walks in the sunshine where I can feel the warmth of the Son. Those are His arms around me. I look for unique scenery in my long drives to work or beautiful flowers as I drive around town - those are little symbols of affection. I lay my head down on my pillow and think about all the blessings I've been given - my kids, my parents, my home, my health, my job - those are His love tokens to me. And I seek verses that describe His affection for me - those are direct touches from the One who first loved me - love notes from God.
And then I feel better..... less alone and not lonely. I don't believe this will be my struggle forever. I do believe that one day I will conquer this battle. But for now I fight it and hope that I fight it with all the right tools. One of my favorite tools would be the following:
Isaiah 43:4
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
How could I ever leave a love like that? It's the real deal. Complete truth. Someday I'll know it..... He will write it on my heart.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Taking flight.....
It wasn't long ago that I felt blocked in and at a stand-still in my journey. I had tried for so long to get out of the deep valley I was in an look for higher ground but I couldn't manage the rocks in my path. Looking back, I now see why. As usual, I was trying to conquer those rocks myself........ all in vain. Some rocks are just too big to climb and that's where I had to step back, throw a little tantrum, get fed by the Father and take a lil nap.
When I woke up from my rest, I began to see things a little differently. If I want a different life, I have to be willing to take some risks. Not only that, I have to quit looking back and mulling over past mistakes. I've punished myself enough! I've learned valuable lessons from them but it's time to chalk it all up to experience and put the past behind me. I can't let the fear of repeating those mistakes, inhibit me from trying new things. If I want to fly, I have to first let go of the nest.
So.... uncomfortable as it is, I'm letting go of my past (not gonna lie, I'm shakin in my boots a lil) and putting myself out there. Right now, today, life is about me! I need to embrace that and indulge because this part could very well be temporary. For everything there is a season and I've been given an unknown block of time that I can just be me, be what I want to be, do what I want to do, say what I want to say, etc..... you get the point.
I have begun to embrace this and be thankful for what I have - this is a gift! Not everyone gets this chance! The circumstances that led to this opportunity no longer matter - that's old history and I'm letting it go. In a way I feel I've let go of the security blanket and gone into a full fledged free fall. And after the panic has worn off, I realize that I do indeed have wings! Wings that are no longer clipped. Wings that are strong and able..... wings that have the power of flight!
Free falling is sort of a thrill ride...... but realizing the wings are there and working, well - that's empowering. I'm still learning how wings work and I'm sure I'll have many more bumps and bruises along the way but just knowing that when I fall I don't have to stay down is comfort enough for me. God equips us when we need it but sometimes we have to let go of the things that hinder our travel before He can give us the tools we need to keep going.
Psalm 37:23-24
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand. (or equips them with wings!)
When I woke up from my rest, I began to see things a little differently. If I want a different life, I have to be willing to take some risks. Not only that, I have to quit looking back and mulling over past mistakes. I've punished myself enough! I've learned valuable lessons from them but it's time to chalk it all up to experience and put the past behind me. I can't let the fear of repeating those mistakes, inhibit me from trying new things. If I want to fly, I have to first let go of the nest.
So.... uncomfortable as it is, I'm letting go of my past (not gonna lie, I'm shakin in my boots a lil) and putting myself out there. Right now, today, life is about me! I need to embrace that and indulge because this part could very well be temporary. For everything there is a season and I've been given an unknown block of time that I can just be me, be what I want to be, do what I want to do, say what I want to say, etc..... you get the point.
I have begun to embrace this and be thankful for what I have - this is a gift! Not everyone gets this chance! The circumstances that led to this opportunity no longer matter - that's old history and I'm letting it go. In a way I feel I've let go of the security blanket and gone into a full fledged free fall. And after the panic has worn off, I realize that I do indeed have wings! Wings that are no longer clipped. Wings that are strong and able..... wings that have the power of flight!
Free falling is sort of a thrill ride...... but realizing the wings are there and working, well - that's empowering. I'm still learning how wings work and I'm sure I'll have many more bumps and bruises along the way but just knowing that when I fall I don't have to stay down is comfort enough for me. God equips us when we need it but sometimes we have to let go of the things that hinder our travel before He can give us the tools we need to keep going.
Psalm 37:23-24
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand. (or equips them with wings!)
Friday, March 16, 2012
Loss x 2.
It was almost 17 years ago that I was awakened in the night to flashing red lights outside my window and the light tapping of my mother at the bedroom door. The ambulance was there for my father. I still remember watching them load his body onto the gurney and wheel him out to the vehicle. I still remember looking into his bedroom and to the place where he had stumbled trying to make it to his bed not knowing if he would be okay. I remember peeking into the room where my baby girl was sleeping, wondering if I should wake her, wondering if I should go now with my mother to the hospital - unsure what was right, unsure what was happening and unsure how tragedies like this one were to be handled.
I also remember the weeks and months that followed. I remember loading up baby Anna and her stroller and all her gear and taking her every day to see Papa. I remember Papa being her first word, because we were always going to see him. I remember putting on the happy face and facade of strength for my mother - while inside I was an innocent child, uncertain of my feelings - afraid of the outcome. I remember sitting at dinner one night with my husband, fighting to hold back tears but failing at that and becoming a sobbing spectacle in the middle of Macaroni Grill.
But doctors are life savers and save his life they did. Sort of..... The stroke had ravaged the left side of his brain, stolen his speech and ability to walk but the rest of him was intact - memory, reasoning and full thinking skills alive and well. Months of rehab ensued but full restoration never achieved. He was a trooper. Always making the best of a bad situation. He kept a cheerful attitude in spite of sorry circumstances. He was eventually able to live at home again without much assistance. He could manage personal hygiene and simple meals on his own so Mom was able to work. He stayed at this level for many years but one day he realized that he would not be able to maintain his strength much longer.
And then, being the caring husband and father that he was - he requested to be moved to a nursing home - easing the burden of that decision away from my mother, brother and I. It didn't take long for him to become one of the favorites at the home. He managed to be funny - even without his ability to speak. He endeared himself to the nurses and they loved him, spoiled him even and I believe that he was happy there for awhile. But as the years went on, he became weaker and weaker..... and increasingly weary of life in general.
It has been a year or more that he has been pointing to heaven almost every time I visit. But only in the last few months does it seem that he is giving up on this earthly life. He now is unable to get up into his wheelchair at all. He is completely bedridden and battling bedsores. It becomes more and more difficult for me to go see him and I find myself making excuses and putting it off. I also find myself close to tears or crying after each visit. I believe he is suffering - if not physically, then definitely emotionally. And I don't know how to process that in my head.
17 years ago I lost my dad. I mourned him as if he had died. Because - even though he lived, he was not my dad. He was not the man who raised me - not the man who loved making homemade bread, working in his yard and toting his baby granddaughter around. But I established a new bond with the man he became after the stroke - the sweet, gentle, quiet man in the wheelchair who was always happy to see me and ready to listen to whatever I had to say. And maybe, just maybe - I loved this man even more - because I had matured and learned to see the good in him that I hadn't always seen when he was able bodied.
I feel as if I am losing him all over again. I feel he will not be here much longer, hope for it even - because I know he is hurting and I know he has wanted Heaven for a very long time. And I understand that when it happens, it will be a relief in a way - but that doesn't make the time waiting any easier and I'm not sure it will make the recovery from it any less difficult. I also believe my grief is intensified because of my other recent loss - the death of my marriage. Both heartaches one right after another - keep me in an inner turmoil I can't describe. And I'm not sure what one does with this kind of emotional trauma.... except keep on keeping on, living day to day - one foot in front of the other until time heals the wound.
Choosing joy in spite of life's circumstances..... sometimes it's like grasping at straws. But if there is one lesson to be learned from my dad - it's just that. He chose to be happy in spite of the adversity life gave him. He chose happiness for 17 years. He not only chose joy but he chose to give joy to others even when he would have been completely justified in being angry and bitter because of his situation. I only hope that I can live this legacy going forward.
I also remember the weeks and months that followed. I remember loading up baby Anna and her stroller and all her gear and taking her every day to see Papa. I remember Papa being her first word, because we were always going to see him. I remember putting on the happy face and facade of strength for my mother - while inside I was an innocent child, uncertain of my feelings - afraid of the outcome. I remember sitting at dinner one night with my husband, fighting to hold back tears but failing at that and becoming a sobbing spectacle in the middle of Macaroni Grill.
But doctors are life savers and save his life they did. Sort of..... The stroke had ravaged the left side of his brain, stolen his speech and ability to walk but the rest of him was intact - memory, reasoning and full thinking skills alive and well. Months of rehab ensued but full restoration never achieved. He was a trooper. Always making the best of a bad situation. He kept a cheerful attitude in spite of sorry circumstances. He was eventually able to live at home again without much assistance. He could manage personal hygiene and simple meals on his own so Mom was able to work. He stayed at this level for many years but one day he realized that he would not be able to maintain his strength much longer.
And then, being the caring husband and father that he was - he requested to be moved to a nursing home - easing the burden of that decision away from my mother, brother and I. It didn't take long for him to become one of the favorites at the home. He managed to be funny - even without his ability to speak. He endeared himself to the nurses and they loved him, spoiled him even and I believe that he was happy there for awhile. But as the years went on, he became weaker and weaker..... and increasingly weary of life in general.
It has been a year or more that he has been pointing to heaven almost every time I visit. But only in the last few months does it seem that he is giving up on this earthly life. He now is unable to get up into his wheelchair at all. He is completely bedridden and battling bedsores. It becomes more and more difficult for me to go see him and I find myself making excuses and putting it off. I also find myself close to tears or crying after each visit. I believe he is suffering - if not physically, then definitely emotionally. And I don't know how to process that in my head.
17 years ago I lost my dad. I mourned him as if he had died. Because - even though he lived, he was not my dad. He was not the man who raised me - not the man who loved making homemade bread, working in his yard and toting his baby granddaughter around. But I established a new bond with the man he became after the stroke - the sweet, gentle, quiet man in the wheelchair who was always happy to see me and ready to listen to whatever I had to say. And maybe, just maybe - I loved this man even more - because I had matured and learned to see the good in him that I hadn't always seen when he was able bodied.
I feel as if I am losing him all over again. I feel he will not be here much longer, hope for it even - because I know he is hurting and I know he has wanted Heaven for a very long time. And I understand that when it happens, it will be a relief in a way - but that doesn't make the time waiting any easier and I'm not sure it will make the recovery from it any less difficult. I also believe my grief is intensified because of my other recent loss - the death of my marriage. Both heartaches one right after another - keep me in an inner turmoil I can't describe. And I'm not sure what one does with this kind of emotional trauma.... except keep on keeping on, living day to day - one foot in front of the other until time heals the wound.
Choosing joy in spite of life's circumstances..... sometimes it's like grasping at straws. But if there is one lesson to be learned from my dad - it's just that. He chose to be happy in spite of the adversity life gave him. He chose happiness for 17 years. He not only chose joy but he chose to give joy to others even when he would have been completely justified in being angry and bitter because of his situation. I only hope that I can live this legacy going forward.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Better?
"It will feel better when it quits hurting." (a former PCHS football coach)
I saw this post on Facebook tonight from a fellow alumnus of PCHS. Sounds like a coach for sure :) My first question was - does that also apply to divorce?
And then I began to answer my own question.
I don't think I'm hurting anymore. I'm over the emotional roller coaster aspect of it all. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat or when the church choir sings. I can carry on a conversation with the former spouse without feeling bitterness or resentment and without that god awful lump in the pit of my stomach. I'm beginning to see all the positive aspects of single life and no longer dwelling on what I no longer have.
When I learn something new or do something around the house that I never did before I feel empowered. When I begin to feel really alone, I've been able to counteract the loneliness with my friends and family. I've begun to recognize when I try to fill emotional holes with empty things and have learned to go the major Provider of fulfillment - and try to fill with Him. Not always easy, but at least I know where to go.
So I'm fairly certain that I can say I've quit hurting. But do I feel better?..... Do I?
Maybe?
It comes and goes I guess. Life has begun to make sense and that was one of my big struggles before. I have been able to set some really important boundaries that I think will help make me healthier and happier in the long run. But honestly..... I'm not to the better part yet. I've quit hurting, yes but I'm not better yet. Does that mean that I'm still the same?
I think it just means that I've leveled out. There's still more to do. I'm staring better in the face and once I conquer that, then I'll be looking for BEST. I truly believe the best is yet to come. I believe I'll see best some day. But before I do, I have to get better. The only recipe for that is time mixed with grace.
II Corinthians 12:9And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
I saw this post on Facebook tonight from a fellow alumnus of PCHS. Sounds like a coach for sure :) My first question was - does that also apply to divorce?
And then I began to answer my own question.
I don't think I'm hurting anymore. I'm over the emotional roller coaster aspect of it all. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat or when the church choir sings. I can carry on a conversation with the former spouse without feeling bitterness or resentment and without that god awful lump in the pit of my stomach. I'm beginning to see all the positive aspects of single life and no longer dwelling on what I no longer have.
When I learn something new or do something around the house that I never did before I feel empowered. When I begin to feel really alone, I've been able to counteract the loneliness with my friends and family. I've begun to recognize when I try to fill emotional holes with empty things and have learned to go the major Provider of fulfillment - and try to fill with Him. Not always easy, but at least I know where to go.
So I'm fairly certain that I can say I've quit hurting. But do I feel better?..... Do I?
Maybe?
It comes and goes I guess. Life has begun to make sense and that was one of my big struggles before. I have been able to set some really important boundaries that I think will help make me healthier and happier in the long run. But honestly..... I'm not to the better part yet. I've quit hurting, yes but I'm not better yet. Does that mean that I'm still the same?
I think it just means that I've leveled out. There's still more to do. I'm staring better in the face and once I conquer that, then I'll be looking for BEST. I truly believe the best is yet to come. I believe I'll see best some day. But before I do, I have to get better. The only recipe for that is time mixed with grace.
II Corinthians 12:9And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Rocks and Hard Places
I've tried very hard over the last several months to learn positive, meaningful valuable lessons about everything I've gone through. I've tried very hard to see what positive things could come of my circumstances. I've tried very hard to use this time of recovery to strengthen and reinforce my relationship with God and become a better person for it.
But I'm not gonna lie.... sometimes life is just crap.
Sometimes we find ourselves right smack dab between a rock and hard place and there is just no reasonable way out of it.
Sometimes there is just no workable solution to our problem.
Sure - I can go to scripture and read some words of wisdom from Proverbs or find some comfort in a Psalm or two.... But yet when I try to apply them to life somehow it just doesn't seem to work. Why? Well because my idea of an answer just doesn't jive with someone else's idea of the answer. When I think that I have reached a new level of understanding, likely the person I have to deal with has come to think of the solution a completely different and incompatible way.
That's the beauty of free will my friends! I have to say I really question God on this ingenious gift He's given us. Oh - I get it.... He wants us to love Him because we choose to love Him not because He programmed that desire within us. But gosh darn it! It makes our whole existence full of utter turmoil....
I know this is not my normal kind of post but sometimes I just have to be real. I've hit a spot in my journey that I'm resisting for some reason. And maybe I'm mad because I chose to take a scenic route not realizing what a treacherous path it would be. I've got rocks, no- boulders in every direction and I'm having to do a lot of exhausting climbing and maneuvering in order to stay on track. And quite honestly, I'm tired and just really ready to give up. I don't even want to look at the map anymore.....
And I'm alone. This isn't a road that anyone can take with me. I have to do it myself. I can't even take along a navigator. It's just me and my compass and I'm not liking where the compass is leading right now.
So I guess I do what any girl alone in the forest would do..... cry? pray? scream? Actually none of those are working for me either. I think I'm gonna just rest awhile - find something to nourish my soul and remember that even though there are easier paths, they don't always lead to glorious places. And what I seek now is something beyond beautiful.... something inspiring, something fulfilling and something that will stay with me forever.
The unanswered question is..... is it worth it? Is it worth it knowing I may never get there and actually may die trying? I think so. I think so because this is what living is. If you haven't experienced trials and come out victorious then you haven't really lived. The destination is important but it's how you get there that matters and if you always take the easy road, you miss many beautiful experiences along the way.
And now, maybe, those rocks and hard places are not so bad after all.....
But I'm not gonna lie.... sometimes life is just crap.
Sometimes we find ourselves right smack dab between a rock and hard place and there is just no reasonable way out of it.
Sometimes there is just no workable solution to our problem.
Sure - I can go to scripture and read some words of wisdom from Proverbs or find some comfort in a Psalm or two.... But yet when I try to apply them to life somehow it just doesn't seem to work. Why? Well because my idea of an answer just doesn't jive with someone else's idea of the answer. When I think that I have reached a new level of understanding, likely the person I have to deal with has come to think of the solution a completely different and incompatible way.
That's the beauty of free will my friends! I have to say I really question God on this ingenious gift He's given us. Oh - I get it.... He wants us to love Him because we choose to love Him not because He programmed that desire within us. But gosh darn it! It makes our whole existence full of utter turmoil....
I know this is not my normal kind of post but sometimes I just have to be real. I've hit a spot in my journey that I'm resisting for some reason. And maybe I'm mad because I chose to take a scenic route not realizing what a treacherous path it would be. I've got rocks, no- boulders in every direction and I'm having to do a lot of exhausting climbing and maneuvering in order to stay on track. And quite honestly, I'm tired and just really ready to give up. I don't even want to look at the map anymore.....
And I'm alone. This isn't a road that anyone can take with me. I have to do it myself. I can't even take along a navigator. It's just me and my compass and I'm not liking where the compass is leading right now.
So I guess I do what any girl alone in the forest would do..... cry? pray? scream? Actually none of those are working for me either. I think I'm gonna just rest awhile - find something to nourish my soul and remember that even though there are easier paths, they don't always lead to glorious places. And what I seek now is something beyond beautiful.... something inspiring, something fulfilling and something that will stay with me forever.
The unanswered question is..... is it worth it? Is it worth it knowing I may never get there and actually may die trying? I think so. I think so because this is what living is. If you haven't experienced trials and come out victorious then you haven't really lived. The destination is important but it's how you get there that matters and if you always take the easy road, you miss many beautiful experiences along the way.
And now, maybe, those rocks and hard places are not so bad after all.....
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