Alone but not lonely.

So life is not rosy.  In fact it downright sucks more often than it's good - (wow how is that for glass half full idealism?)  Actually I'm on a pretty even keel today but looking back at some of my lowest lows and wondering how I got back to level ground.  How did I pull myself out of the holes I dug, the holes I simply fell into and the holes that I got pushed into at times?  How do I keep myself from going back there?  How do I remain true to the only One who remains true to me?  T-H-E man - the Provider - the "One" as in Mr. Right?  You see there is only one Mr. Right and He's not human.  I can't touch Him, I can't cuddle with Him and I can't tangibly feel His arms around me.

I struggle with loneliness....  it's my thing.  It doesn't matter that I'm single and it wouldn't change if I were married or in a relationship.  That is my area of weakness and that is where I'm attacked.  It's not that I'm clingy but I do tend to crave togetherness and affection.  Part of that is normal but part of it is very, very needy.  My first reaction is to deny the need.  My second is to fill it inappropriately.  Neither is acceptable.

So ...  its a constant matter of prayer.  What do I do when I am lonely.  I go for long walks in the sunshine where I can feel the warmth of the Son.  Those are His arms around me.  I look for unique scenery in my long drives to work or beautiful flowers as I drive around town - those are little symbols of affection.  I lay my head down on my pillow and think about all the blessings I've been given - my kids, my parents, my home, my health, my job - those are His love tokens to me.  And I seek verses that describe His affection for me - those are direct touches from the One who first loved me -  love notes from God.

And then I feel better.....  less alone and not lonely.  I don't believe this will be my struggle forever.  I do believe that one day I will conquer this battle.  But for now I fight it and hope that I fight it with all the right tools.  One of my favorite tools would be the following:

Isaiah 43:4
That's how much you mean to me!
   That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
   trade the creation just for you. 

How could I ever leave a love like that?  It's the real deal.  Complete truth.  Someday I'll know it.....  He will write it on my heart.