Sometimes you just need a man....

Hope I didn't raise too many eyebrows with that title !

It's just that I'm coming off a 2 week fast from testosterone.  It has literally been 2 weeks (and a few days) since I've had any significant contact with any man.  My perspective on male interaction had become unhealthy and I knew I was out of line.   There was a window in which I knew I could quit cold turkey....for at least awhile.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not a man-a-holic but I do struggle with the vice of craving male attention and sometimes when its offered I want to cling to it.  It can be a little obsession of mine.  I love LOVE.

However after the past weekend of estrogen extravaganza (spent the entire weekend with an amazing group of women - more on that later) I have realized that love can be healthy and not obsessive.  It's entirely the type of love we choose that matters.  Agape love - the love of the Lord or brotherly love are two types of love on which I am free to feast.  Just as fruits and vegetables are important to my diet so are these types of love to my spirit.  I not only crave them, I NEED them.

So what do I do with my desire for romantic love?  I think of it as sugar.  I know that sounds "sweet" but it really helps me keep it all in perspective.  When I was losing weight and getting healthy I had to omit sugar for a time.  I still ate carbs but I limited them to healthy carbs and quit eating refined sugars and white bread.  To this day, I love to eat sweets but I have to limit them and sometimes I still have to cut them out completely for a time.  I'm in a time of emotional healing right now and therefore the same principles apply.  I had become heavy emotionally so I'm losing that emotional weight with diet and exercise.  Yes - I still get cravings and I even give into them occasionally but ultimately I know the road to health.

After I lost the pounds, I was able to add in sugar in small doses and I enjoy a nice dessert once in awhile now.  Perhaps that's what romantic love will be like for me going forward.  What I have to learn now is balance.  I'm beginning to see what healthy male interactions are and recognize what may be unhealthy.  I never knew friendships with men were possible.  In fact, I was told many times that they weren't.  And I believed that lie.  I'm now re-programming my brain to understand agape love and brotherly love and just how men fit into that.

There's just something about men.....  their deep voices, strong hands, broad shoulders....  God really knew what He was doing when He created us male and female!  And He loves me enough to provide male interaction to me in healthy ways.  Even in the midst of estrogen extravaganza we got just enough male attention to keep us going - men served our food and we even had two wonderful male speakers which were a great blessing in the midst of all those crazy women!  He does this for me as well.  Even though I do not have a man in my presence daily, I am beginning to have male FRIENDS and what blessings they are!  Those who text me to make sure I've landed safely after a flight, those who make sure I am okay after a storm, those who send me letters of encouragement at times I need them most and those who tell me all the great places to eat when I am in an unfamiliar city.....THOSE are my healthy carbs, uh, er MEN!  And for now, while I am getting healthy, those are exactly the type of men I need.

When the time is right, God will let me know when its okay for me to add a little sugar back into my diet.  Until then He guides me and shows me when I'm about to do something unhealthy.  For now, He is my sugar - His agape love is more than enough to sustain me.  He is THE MAN.  So yes - sometimes you just need a man but you always have THE MAN.... That guy....   The only One who pursues you and loves you unconditionally and eternally.  YOURS....forever.

Hope Floats

I'm not exactly sure of my feelings about "The Hunger Games" but I did take away a very significant quote from that movie that has been in the back of my mind all week.   “Hope is the only thing more powerful than fear.”

I came to terms with that quote tonight while discussing the failing health of my dad with my brother.  Hope is what moves, inspires, drives us. Without it, what's left?

My dad wants to die.  He's suffered a long time and the suffering is only increasing.  He is not afraid of death and not afraid to live but He's lost all hope.  Even if he were afraid of death the fact that his hope is gone has far outweighed any fear there may be.

Change in our lives does not take place without hope.  In fact, its when we are in hopeless situations that we make our most important changes.  It is not simply a desirable condition, it is a basic NEED of humans to be able to hope and believe.  When hope is gone, part of us dies.  I've seen it happen time and time again.

When I was married, I lost hope.  I had a fear of being single but the hope of a new life and clean slate far outweighed the fear of being single.  No doubt the old marriage had to die.  The pain and hurt were HUGE but I saw little sprouts of hope here and there.  That is how I know hope is indeed, much more powerful than fear.  It was my main motivator to change.

When I was heavy, my health began to fail.  I feared trying yet another diet and failing and had lost hope of conquering my food addiction.  Remicade (my arthritis medication) changed that.  It gave me hope.  It enabled me to feel better and be able to move more.  That hope completely abolished my fear of failure.  With that hope in place, I knew I could be a success.  I knew that I could be healthy and began to embrace the changes I needed to make.

So I suppose that even though I hate the suffering and I fear the outcome, hope of something new, something better is what keeps me going.  This applies in any situation:   dad's illness, failed relationships, my job, losing weight.  Change most often brings improvement therefore hope is also the fruit of change.  It's one more way God loves us.  He gave us free will even though He knows our choices are often going to be wrong.  But his mercy brings us hope in spite of our stupid selves.  When life gets me down, I will look for those sprouts of hope because they are always there if we seek them.

It's when we quit seeking that we die.  I'm afraid my dad is no longer seeking.  But because my God gives hope, I know dad will be okay no matter the outcome.  Love will see us through.

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Social Media

I'm at my wits end with several life situations and have decided that social media is at least, in part, to blame.  When I look back through history and remember a time when I didn't even own a computer,  I only see happy memories....   days when I played with my children, cooked more, talked to my loved ones more (on the phone and in person) and had more clarity about who I was.  As I remember the first computer purchase and entry into my home, I begin to see a steady decline in all of the previously mentioned activities.  I didn't embrace the computer right away.  I remember thinking that was the last thing I wanted to do at home since I was in front of a computer at work all day.  But as social media entered the picture, I became more and more enamored and at one time, even addicted to social media applications and even games (embarrassing as that is to admit).

I have been able to reel that in a bit and I would not say that I am addicted any longer.  However, it is more readily available than ever now that we not only have computers - laptops even -  we also have these apps on our phones!  So no longer do we even have to sit uncomfortably at a desk, we can take laptops to our recliners or whip out our phones while waiting in the drive thru!  We even get little notifications to tell us when someone has noticed us online - whether responding to a message or liking something we said or wanting to be our "friend".     Not gonna lie - those little notifications trigger something in me and I just HAVE TO find out who is responding or seeking me at that moment.....  It is completely ridiculous!  It feeds the ego and its a very pleasurable feeling to know that someone somewhere thought of me for even just a moment.  But is it healthy?

While most of the time those little notifications elicit pleasure in me, I also have to say I have moments where the opposite is true.  This happened to me night before last - checking Facebook, my social equivalent of crack cocaine - I noticed a post and got a little ticked off - no, more than ticked, downright LIVID.  Here I was about to drift off to sleep - just checking my alarm on my phone and the cute little beep that indicates a comment came up - so I can't help but look at it.  And then my whole night went to hell.....  If only I hadn't taken that moment to look I would have gone to sleep and probably would not even have seen this little snippet at all.  But....nevertheless - I saw, I responded and even took it much, much further than I should have.  And now I'm left with the fallout.

Maybe that happened to open my eyes a bit.  Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Maybe it was exactly what I needed to end my love affair with Facebook.  I deactivated my account the next day.

I love my peeps.  I was able to keep current with my peeps on Facebook.  However, if I truly love them enough - I can keep current with them anyway.  I miss the inspiring quotes and pictures that are posted.  I miss the coupon tips and traveling info I was able to view every day.  And - I miss out on a few Words with Friends games by not being searchable online.  So there are some things I'm sacrificing while I detox from the addictive properties that tempt me.

The timing couldn't be more perfect.  The Walk to Emmaus is coming up in just over a week. It is a time when I will get to know God on a more personal level.  It will be a weekend get away with the love of my life!  I believe it is in my best interest to stop and focus on Him.  In doing this, I have removed distraction - not just with Facebook but with other relationships that bring out emotion whether negative or positive.  I even have time off work and time to get away with my sweet baby girl.

I'm taking time to be still....  and KNOW....  that HE is GOD.    I posted about my broken heart and now I've posted about how my flesh may fail but I claim this verse today and know that my strength to get through this trial will be provided.  Psalm 73:26 - My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I expect to arrive back from my weekend with JC, refreshed, renewed and invigorated. I may not have the answers I want or even clear direction but I know He will comfort me and give me peace and joy in the middle of this storm.  Will I be back on Facebook at some point?  Maybe.  Probably.  But hopefully if that happens, I will be able to keep it to a healthy level and manage it wisely.  I know now it is not a big deal or a need in my life.  In fact, life might even be better without it.   Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

Broken Trust, Broken heart

  Broken trust does not always involve lies or cheating.  It is also broken when a person fails us - time and time again.  It's broken when a person quits believing in us.  It is broken when a person quits seeking us.  It is broken when a person obviously honors other people or activities more than they do us.  When words become empty, hopes become dashed and promises don't come true, a heart becomes hardened and the ability to trust becomes difficult.

I've been duped one too many times.  Why?  Because I want so badly to believe!  It's easy for me to open my heart and easy for me to love because it is the utmost longing of my soul.  I was made for companionship.  I can be independent but I don't like it.  It is in my nature to seek friendship and comfort with another.

I myself have broken trust before and I have paid dearly for it.  I am responsible for the hardening of another person's heart.  It was an unhealthy response to my own hardened heart.  Mine was broken so I broke another.....   and when healing took place, scars replaced a good portion of the soft tissue.  That then perpetuated a vicious cycle where two hearts could only continue hardening even more.  Why have I lost hope that I could soften again?  Because the pain is so bad that I know there is only more scar tissue to come.

I can let this scar tissue build or I can go to the Great Physician - the One who knows how to remove it and massage this solid mass of nothing into something soft and pliable that beats again with a passion it never knew possible.  I tried to believe in man - but man let me down.  God never fails.  God loves me, wants me, pursues me with a desire I'll never see in any man.  He knows my greatest needs even better than I do.  I trust Him and Him alone to provide - in His timing, in His way and in His method of delivery.

I do not wait for man.  I wait upon the Lord.  Lisa Whittle echoes my thoughts about trust:
"And though it is hard to trust, it is harder still to live without belief."

When I can't trust man, I can always believe God.  His promises are never empty.  He is always true. 

Reality II

"The reality is you have to take things the way they are, not the way you want them to be," says Dr. Jim A. Talley. "You have to face the fact that if you're single and you're divorced, you really are single and divorced." You may not want to be single, but reality does not cater to a person's desires. 

This is my reality.  I've struggled and lamented over it for months.  But with the awakening of spring, it seems my acceptance has also bloomed.  I have embraced being single and begun to see the positive aspects of it.  Things happen that we can't control and life is almost never as we truly want it to be.  It doesn't matter how badly we yearn for things to be different, ultimately we can't will a situation to come about.


I have learned that when life spirals out of control, instead of getting dizzy I find a focal point.  If I focus on that, I avoid the fallout that happens after the spiral comes to a stop.  Then I can begin to see the wonderful things in life and ignore the bad.  When I begin to count my blessings and see my reality as God's gift, then I find acceptance much more obtainable.  


Even the spiral itself is a blessing because the experience helps us down the road somehow.  


The challenge is being happy in the middle of it or bold enough to change the way we think about it.  One of God's greatest blessings is the ability to accomplish that.

Curve balls

Why is it that when you finally get issues all resolved in your head and you begin to feel some peace that life has to hit you right in the neck with a curve ball?  What is that?  Is it life's feeble attempt at testing our faith?

I'm not gonna lie - sometimes my faith wavers.  Today I'm wavering..... teetering on the edge of cliff and almost ready to just take a big nose dive. The very trials similar to what I face today often make me want to throw in the towel and just be angry.  Sometimes I want to reject God.  Today is one of those days.

Today I doubt Him.  Today I want to take the wheel.  Today my control freak side was awakened and I'm ready to fight - but not a good fight - a very destructive evil fight of selfishness and folly.

It's days like today that take every ounce of courage I have to focus on what's real and true.  Can't see the forest for the trees?  I can't see the road for all of the doubt in the way.  I didn't ask for this and don't deserve it.  However when I calm down, I know it's not from God.  I know I have to crawl back up into His palm and cry my tears of frustration and let Him hold me awhile.

Funny how sometimes advice is given even before its needed - but then stays with us.  A good friend told me a while ago, "We all doubt, we have to doubt - that makes believing more sincere".  Never would I have guessed that I would need it today.  So yes I doubt but I'm choosing that at the moment.  I'm going to reject that choice and believe that God still has a plan and He's working it out for me.  I'm believing today that the attack will not be a hindrance but instead will be a fortress that will only serve to protect my faith and make it stronger.

I'm facing this curve ball and hitting it over the fence.  I can conquer it and end up with a home run. No need for any more pain in the neck.

James 1:2-4
Jeremiah 29:11
Psalm 71:20

Alone but not lonely.

So life is not rosy.  In fact it downright sucks more often than it's good - (wow how is that for glass half full idealism?)  Actually I'm on a pretty even keel today but looking back at some of my lowest lows and wondering how I got back to level ground.  How did I pull myself out of the holes I dug, the holes I simply fell into and the holes that I got pushed into at times?  How do I keep myself from going back there?  How do I remain true to the only One who remains true to me?  T-H-E man - the Provider - the "One" as in Mr. Right?  You see there is only one Mr. Right and He's not human.  I can't touch Him, I can't cuddle with Him and I can't tangibly feel His arms around me.

I struggle with loneliness....  it's my thing.  It doesn't matter that I'm single and it wouldn't change if I were married or in a relationship.  That is my area of weakness and that is where I'm attacked.  It's not that I'm clingy but I do tend to crave togetherness and affection.  Part of that is normal but part of it is very, very needy.  My first reaction is to deny the need.  My second is to fill it inappropriately.  Neither is acceptable.

So ...  its a constant matter of prayer.  What do I do when I am lonely.  I go for long walks in the sunshine where I can feel the warmth of the Son.  Those are His arms around me.  I look for unique scenery in my long drives to work or beautiful flowers as I drive around town - those are little symbols of affection.  I lay my head down on my pillow and think about all the blessings I've been given - my kids, my parents, my home, my health, my job - those are His love tokens to me.  And I seek verses that describe His affection for me - those are direct touches from the One who first loved me -  love notes from God.

And then I feel better.....  less alone and not lonely.  I don't believe this will be my struggle forever.  I do believe that one day I will conquer this battle.  But for now I fight it and hope that I fight it with all the right tools.  One of my favorite tools would be the following:

Isaiah 43:4
That's how much you mean to me!
   That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
   trade the creation just for you. 

How could I ever leave a love like that?  It's the real deal.  Complete truth.  Someday I'll know it.....  He will write it on my heart.