Since I have this Four theme going I'm sticking with "for" words in my titles.... Kind of silly but they keep me on target. Last time I wrote sappy, sweet loving things in "FORE" and got hit right smack dab on the head - a few times at least. Perhaps I had just been hit on the head when I wrote that because it's just a bit ridiculous. After 4 years with someone who still doesn't make progress, you would think I would wake up and quit hoping but I think maybe I've been hit on the head (or in the heart) one too many times.
Why is this one area I don't want to give up control?
I've done so well in every other area trusting God with the outcomes, with my well being - understanding His will is SO much better than mine. But the thought of being alone for the rest of my life just fills me with so much sorrow. And it's dumb really, because it's not the end of the world and I actually like the solitude most of the time. I just don't understand why I pout about it so much. I need to let go of this desire but I'm not sure how.
And then there's the HE that's involved. He's changed my life forever. Perhaps part of God's plan in a way? But is HE supposed to be in my future? The indicators at this time are pointing to a big fat NO as they do often.
I have been blessed this year. So many prayers answered. So many worries resolved. So many fears relieved. If God has His hand upon me in these other areas, would He neglect me in this one? I think not. I think that I have to admit to being outside His will and set my will aside. He knows my heart, but He also knows best for me. Alone may be my best and if so, I need to learn to love it.
I am so grateful for His provision, mercy and grace. Greedily hanging on to this one thing does not line up with my gratitude. There is a Proverb that states to those who are given much will have much required of them. It's time for me to let go and quit this forgery of blessing and call it what it is.... my will over God's.
It's not until I do that that I can forge ahead. 4 years. Not wasted. Treasured, always..... but no longer stuck.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Fore!
It's been almost two years since I've written. That's mostly been because life has been so full that I've not been able to put it into words or make the time to document it. I also haven't felt ready to be as vulnerable with the world because I'm just not sure that most can understand my story.
And while there is no way I could divulge the details even if I wanted to, I can talk about how my life has changed. If you followed my writing at all, you noticed a drastic decline about 4 years ago. That's when everything changed for me. At that time, I met the man who would alter the very definition of my existence forever.
No, I'm not talking about God - although I'm certain God brought him into my life. I'm not talking about my husband - I still don't have one of those, although I have hope. I'm not talking about my boyfriend - although this man was that to me for many of those years. I'm talking about a man with whom I currently have this undefined relationship that challenges me and sharpens me in ways I never imagined.
When he entered my life, I was filled with this overwhelming sense of gratitude. It seemed as if I understood redemption for the first time. As if grace had touched me personally and given me a gift I never deserved - a good gift - something much better than I expected. It was like the old "life isn't fair" phrase had been turned inside out but in a good way and I had gotten so much more than I deserved.
I had no idea of the trials we would go through in the years ahead.
Obviously you have some idea from the fact that 4 years later and he is not my husband or even still my boyfriend that our road has been rocky to say the least. I'm not here to discuss that. I don't even keep score or remember half of the things we've been through. When I have forgiven him, I have truly forgiven him. He may be the first that I have been able to give this kind of grace to aside from my children.
What I do want to point out is that some people enter your life and they become not just part of it but part of you. I've only experienced with a few people. I think it's a given with your children at least until they become adults. They always stay part of you - but you being part of them eventually ends in most cases. The mutuality is rare. However I found it 4 years ago and it changed me. It won't matter who else I invite into my life, he is part of it now - part of me now.
And he feels the same. So we work together and we try to understand each other and we figure out the things that went wrong. Little by little, like pieces of a puzzle, a picture starts to come together. Each time it does, I see something more beautiful than the last. And why is that? I think it's because that's how love works. Mother Theresa said, "When you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And her words have carried me through every test and trial of this relationship.
So - FORE! a little term used in golf to warn other players that a ball is coming their way. Four years ago I met this crazy, sweet, adorable man of mine but I know I have to be watching for any balls headed our direction OR could it be that we together may just hit one in the right direction this year ?!?!
And while there is no way I could divulge the details even if I wanted to, I can talk about how my life has changed. If you followed my writing at all, you noticed a drastic decline about 4 years ago. That's when everything changed for me. At that time, I met the man who would alter the very definition of my existence forever.
No, I'm not talking about God - although I'm certain God brought him into my life. I'm not talking about my husband - I still don't have one of those, although I have hope. I'm not talking about my boyfriend - although this man was that to me for many of those years. I'm talking about a man with whom I currently have this undefined relationship that challenges me and sharpens me in ways I never imagined.
When he entered my life, I was filled with this overwhelming sense of gratitude. It seemed as if I understood redemption for the first time. As if grace had touched me personally and given me a gift I never deserved - a good gift - something much better than I expected. It was like the old "life isn't fair" phrase had been turned inside out but in a good way and I had gotten so much more than I deserved.
I had no idea of the trials we would go through in the years ahead.
Obviously you have some idea from the fact that 4 years later and he is not my husband or even still my boyfriend that our road has been rocky to say the least. I'm not here to discuss that. I don't even keep score or remember half of the things we've been through. When I have forgiven him, I have truly forgiven him. He may be the first that I have been able to give this kind of grace to aside from my children.
What I do want to point out is that some people enter your life and they become not just part of it but part of you. I've only experienced with a few people. I think it's a given with your children at least until they become adults. They always stay part of you - but you being part of them eventually ends in most cases. The mutuality is rare. However I found it 4 years ago and it changed me. It won't matter who else I invite into my life, he is part of it now - part of me now.
And he feels the same. So we work together and we try to understand each other and we figure out the things that went wrong. Little by little, like pieces of a puzzle, a picture starts to come together. Each time it does, I see something more beautiful than the last. And why is that? I think it's because that's how love works. Mother Theresa said, "When you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." And her words have carried me through every test and trial of this relationship.
So - FORE! a little term used in golf to warn other players that a ball is coming their way. Four years ago I met this crazy, sweet, adorable man of mine but I know I have to be watching for any balls headed our direction OR could it be that we together may just hit one in the right direction this year ?!?!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Withdrawal
Per Merriam Webster, withdrawal is definted as the following
As one who has curbed a couple of addictions lately, you would thing that I am very familiar with the term. I cut out caffiene 90 days ago and gave up wheat and sugar almost 60 days ago. I went through the normal withdrawal symptoms with each. There were cravings, there were physical reactions and there were emotional responses. Sugar was probably the hardest.
Once I got past the initial symptoms, it got easier with time and for the most part, I don't miss those things. Sugar alone does not tempt me, nor does wheat alone but put them together in the form of a chocolate chip cookie and I'm grasping for control. I definitely still have my weaknesses and I've given in a time or two but I've been able to get right back on track afterward.
Recently I became aware of another thing that had control of me. This time it was not food. Like food, the thing in and of itself was not bad. Some people can have caffiene, sugar and wheat without any issues whatsoever. But I can't - those things cause trouble for me and in some ways even make me sick. The thing I'm comparing is a relationship. For most, it is a relationship that others tolerate very well - without trouble and without getting sick. But for me, it became toxic. Toxicity is sly - it happens without you realizing it. Whether it is food or a relationship, you fall in love with it and want more of it and it can be incredibly good and even give feelings of happiness. However, inside you're being damaged. Before long, you experience pain and inflammation. And then you're downright ill and you don't know why.
so you have to go through withdrawal. you take something away; you end involvement; you take all the currency out of your emotional bank account......
AND YOU SIMPLY THROW IT ALL AWAY.
Just like you rid your pantry of tea, coffee, sugar, flour, etc - you rid your life of the relationship.
RIGHT?
I wish. I'd give up anything else in the world you want me to give up than to go through this yet again. But what is the cost of health? What is the cost of real happiness? Are those things even really attainable in these horrible temporary lives we lead?
So many times I feel like I'm on the right path, or I'm finally getting the hang of this thing called life and then it all backfires. We are given choices and sometimes we have to make them on the fly. Sometimes we don't get to think about them before they become reality. Sometimes, you're so sure you made the right choice and then the choice makes you.
My most recent choice has made me. It's made me sad. It's made me lonely. It's made me really need GOD. I don't know what's best or how to make this work out or why in the world I think I can have what I want. It's not supposed to be about me. That's exactly how addiction happens - it becomes about ME. About what I want and when and how it makes ME feel. When I put those things aside and think of food as fuel instead of as pleasure, I begin to get healthy again. So then with relationships, I nurture those that are good for me and eliminate those that are not. Why is that so much easier said than done?
Why is it then that now the relationship is gone, that health means very little to me?
with·draw·al
noun \-ˈdrȯ(-ə)l\
: an act of moving something away or taking something away
: an act of ending your involvement in something
: an act of ending your involvement in something
: the act of taking money out of a bank account
As one who has curbed a couple of addictions lately, you would thing that I am very familiar with the term. I cut out caffiene 90 days ago and gave up wheat and sugar almost 60 days ago. I went through the normal withdrawal symptoms with each. There were cravings, there were physical reactions and there were emotional responses. Sugar was probably the hardest.
Once I got past the initial symptoms, it got easier with time and for the most part, I don't miss those things. Sugar alone does not tempt me, nor does wheat alone but put them together in the form of a chocolate chip cookie and I'm grasping for control. I definitely still have my weaknesses and I've given in a time or two but I've been able to get right back on track afterward.
Recently I became aware of another thing that had control of me. This time it was not food. Like food, the thing in and of itself was not bad. Some people can have caffiene, sugar and wheat without any issues whatsoever. But I can't - those things cause trouble for me and in some ways even make me sick. The thing I'm comparing is a relationship. For most, it is a relationship that others tolerate very well - without trouble and without getting sick. But for me, it became toxic. Toxicity is sly - it happens without you realizing it. Whether it is food or a relationship, you fall in love with it and want more of it and it can be incredibly good and even give feelings of happiness. However, inside you're being damaged. Before long, you experience pain and inflammation. And then you're downright ill and you don't know why.
so you have to go through withdrawal. you take something away; you end involvement; you take all the currency out of your emotional bank account......
AND YOU SIMPLY THROW IT ALL AWAY.
Just like you rid your pantry of tea, coffee, sugar, flour, etc - you rid your life of the relationship.
RIGHT?
I wish. I'd give up anything else in the world you want me to give up than to go through this yet again. But what is the cost of health? What is the cost of real happiness? Are those things even really attainable in these horrible temporary lives we lead?
So many times I feel like I'm on the right path, or I'm finally getting the hang of this thing called life and then it all backfires. We are given choices and sometimes we have to make them on the fly. Sometimes we don't get to think about them before they become reality. Sometimes, you're so sure you made the right choice and then the choice makes you.
My most recent choice has made me. It's made me sad. It's made me lonely. It's made me really need GOD. I don't know what's best or how to make this work out or why in the world I think I can have what I want. It's not supposed to be about me. That's exactly how addiction happens - it becomes about ME. About what I want and when and how it makes ME feel. When I put those things aside and think of food as fuel instead of as pleasure, I begin to get healthy again. So then with relationships, I nurture those that are good for me and eliminate those that are not. Why is that so much easier said than done?
Why is it then that now the relationship is gone, that health means very little to me?
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Rehab.
Galatians 4:8-9
Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?
What about human nature makes us crave the familiar? Why do we become such creatures of habit?
I will use the illustration of sugar although it can be anything one craves (soda, alcohol, sex, shopping and a myriad of other things). I do love me some sweets - especially cookies and candy. However, now that I have been off sugar for the last 60 days, I no longer crave them. In fact, I had some sugar today and found it had lost its hold on me. I ate it but knew it was not having the same effect it used to. It was not that great. I can honestly do without it.
However, if you'd given me sugar even 45 days ago, just the mere taste of it would have thrown me back into addiction. It could have easily spiraled me out of control. I've tried to kick the habit before and have felt enslaved to the cravings. I always went back for more. The really sad part of addiction is that you go back for more knowing full well the item is not good for you and in fact, is even harming you.
Funny thing about being enslaved - even though you may want out, you find that being out is uncomfortable. It's not familiar. In fact, it's downright scary.
When bondage has become the norm, it's extremely hard to break free even if you want to. Those things that enslaved us before are really not that difficult to overcome; it only requires the choice to live free from them. When we keep going back for more - we, in essence, put ourselves back into prison. We willingly become captive to our unhealthy desires whatever they may be.
The verse above asks why we do this and I've now had two counselors point out that I have a tendency to do this. I have a really hard time accepting my freedom. I am now free from the bondage of sugar and sweets. It took time and making right choices every day. I suppose the same theory applies to my personal life as well. I made a choice to turn away from an unhealthy relationship - not because I didn't want it, not because I didn't crave it but because it had started to get the best of me. If I am to be whole, I had to break free.
One of the predominant feelings I had when I quit sugar was that I felt like I had lost my best friend. That parallels my feelings now only the truth is that I have actually given up my best friend. This is the worst detox I've ever been through. I'm fighting with every thing I've got not to have even one taste and the withdrawals may completely do me in.
The key to freedom is realizing, as the verse says, I am known by God. I know God, yes; but I am also KNOWN by GOD. This means He knows my heart, He knows my needs and He can set me free from this. Trusting, Hoping and keeping the Faith - day by day; making good choices as I go.
Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable forces? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?
What about human nature makes us crave the familiar? Why do we become such creatures of habit?
I will use the illustration of sugar although it can be anything one craves (soda, alcohol, sex, shopping and a myriad of other things). I do love me some sweets - especially cookies and candy. However, now that I have been off sugar for the last 60 days, I no longer crave them. In fact, I had some sugar today and found it had lost its hold on me. I ate it but knew it was not having the same effect it used to. It was not that great. I can honestly do without it.
However, if you'd given me sugar even 45 days ago, just the mere taste of it would have thrown me back into addiction. It could have easily spiraled me out of control. I've tried to kick the habit before and have felt enslaved to the cravings. I always went back for more. The really sad part of addiction is that you go back for more knowing full well the item is not good for you and in fact, is even harming you.
Funny thing about being enslaved - even though you may want out, you find that being out is uncomfortable. It's not familiar. In fact, it's downright scary.
When bondage has become the norm, it's extremely hard to break free even if you want to. Those things that enslaved us before are really not that difficult to overcome; it only requires the choice to live free from them. When we keep going back for more - we, in essence, put ourselves back into prison. We willingly become captive to our unhealthy desires whatever they may be.
The verse above asks why we do this and I've now had two counselors point out that I have a tendency to do this. I have a really hard time accepting my freedom. I am now free from the bondage of sugar and sweets. It took time and making right choices every day. I suppose the same theory applies to my personal life as well. I made a choice to turn away from an unhealthy relationship - not because I didn't want it, not because I didn't crave it but because it had started to get the best of me. If I am to be whole, I had to break free.
One of the predominant feelings I had when I quit sugar was that I felt like I had lost my best friend. That parallels my feelings now only the truth is that I have actually given up my best friend. This is the worst detox I've ever been through. I'm fighting with every thing I've got not to have even one taste and the withdrawals may completely do me in.
The key to freedom is realizing, as the verse says, I am known by God. I know God, yes; but I am also KNOWN by GOD. This means He knows my heart, He knows my needs and He can set me free from this. Trusting, Hoping and keeping the Faith - day by day; making good choices as I go.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Why seek Him?
I'm struggling this week with judgement. I'm feeling particularly empathetic with those who are dismissed because of lifestyles that go against societal norm. Not sure exactly why this is on my heart at this particular time but perhaps it is because I myself am feeling rather rejected. The rejection has come from a member of the clergy..... not my church or even a former church but rather a pastor whom I've known on a personal level and *thought* had connected with. Either that connection was false or circumstances have destroyed the bond. At any rate, the once loving person (and his wife) is now snubbing me and I can't for the life of me figure out why.
It's funny how just when we begin to be comfortable in our own skin something happens to shake that up isn't it? Perhaps I needed to bring myself down a notch or two in order to learn compassion for those who are rejected on a regular basis.
Why does it matter so much what someone has done in their past or is even doing in the present? Why do we feel the need to be so critical of the choices people make? I understand the principal that we ought to be accountable to each other and we should not tolerate sin but what is the point of ostracizing people because of it? Isn't that contrary to the actions of Christ?
Seems to me Christ befriended everyone and didn't point out their sin UNTIL they came to Him with it. Either they were ill or handicapped or demon possessed but it wasn't until they went to Christ or a loved one took them to Christ that he healed them and told them to sin no more. Interesting to me that he always healed them first...... Doesn't seem like he asked them not to sin UNTIL healing took place. Healing took place after Christ was sought out.
So the goal is to get others to seek Christ right? Why would they seek Christ when those who are called by His name are so stinking unapproachable? How can others seek Christ when some of His ordained leaders won't even give you the time of day?
I know I've been guilty of this in my past..... I've been snooty, holier than thou, too shy or a host of other excuses that have closed me off from others. To me, that's a much greater sin than anything that defies the 10 commandments. But one of the most important things I've learned in the last few years is that grace is for everyone ..... sinner, saint and anyone in between. Grace is an equalizer. We all have earthly struggles and none of us will ever be free of sin but by God's grace we are equal in His eyes. Why can't we be equal in the eyes of one another?
It's funny how just when we begin to be comfortable in our own skin something happens to shake that up isn't it? Perhaps I needed to bring myself down a notch or two in order to learn compassion for those who are rejected on a regular basis.
Why does it matter so much what someone has done in their past or is even doing in the present? Why do we feel the need to be so critical of the choices people make? I understand the principal that we ought to be accountable to each other and we should not tolerate sin but what is the point of ostracizing people because of it? Isn't that contrary to the actions of Christ?
Seems to me Christ befriended everyone and didn't point out their sin UNTIL they came to Him with it. Either they were ill or handicapped or demon possessed but it wasn't until they went to Christ or a loved one took them to Christ that he healed them and told them to sin no more. Interesting to me that he always healed them first...... Doesn't seem like he asked them not to sin UNTIL healing took place. Healing took place after Christ was sought out.
So the goal is to get others to seek Christ right? Why would they seek Christ when those who are called by His name are so stinking unapproachable? How can others seek Christ when some of His ordained leaders won't even give you the time of day?
I know I've been guilty of this in my past..... I've been snooty, holier than thou, too shy or a host of other excuses that have closed me off from others. To me, that's a much greater sin than anything that defies the 10 commandments. But one of the most important things I've learned in the last few years is that grace is for everyone ..... sinner, saint and anyone in between. Grace is an equalizer. We all have earthly struggles and none of us will ever be free of sin but by God's grace we are equal in His eyes. Why can't we be equal in the eyes of one another?
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Commitment
I've decided I'm not good at commitment. The going gets tough and the tough get going. Get going as in they leave or as in they get super committed? I think most people would say that means the tough get busy, get motivated, get active. I want to be that kind of tough.
But I'm tough in other ways.... some not so mighty. I hate to admit this, but I'm the tuck your tail in and run type of girl. Or I'm the spout off and fight but then pull away type of girl. I can go all "Billy Badass" on you but then I turn my back. I'm a quitter.
I can't even follow through for Lent. I haven't been observing lent very long (maybe 5 years) but I haven't been consistent with my vow any of those years - and Lent is a fairly short commitment.
Every broken promise, every failure to succeed, every non-fulfillment I can explain away or justify. Everything I've done or not done seems to make sense. I think most would agree with the choices I've made. However, just because something is reasonable does not mean it's right.
There's only one thing I know I have not ever quit. That is love.
Love and commitment go hand in hand wouldn't you think? Superficially yes. But love is deeper than that. Love does what's best for all involved, even if it means breaking a commitment. Commitment can become a burden. Love bears all burdens you say? Yes it does but part of bearing burdens is alleviating them.
I don't expect this to make sense to anyone. I'm writing because of my inner conflict. I'm writing because I'm disappointed in my lack of commitment. I'm writing because times are tough again and I don't know what to do. I want to tuck my tail in and run and I've already spouted off and pulled away. Where is my commitment?
Are we only committed as deep as our desires run? Successful commitments are tied to our will. We see something positive in the outcome. We abandon commitment when it becomes clear that the outcome will not be good. But we also quit because it gets too hard or we get distracted. I saw a positive outcome when I committed but it's getting tough and the outcome has become sketchy. It's time to either make it, or break it.
So what to do? The only thing I can think of is to fall back on the one thing I've never given up on. I'm not sure what that means yet, but it's the only answer I have.
From the Message:
Trust steadily in God * Hope Unswervingly * Love extravagantly (1 Corinthians 13:13)
But I'm tough in other ways.... some not so mighty. I hate to admit this, but I'm the tuck your tail in and run type of girl. Or I'm the spout off and fight but then pull away type of girl. I can go all "Billy Badass" on you but then I turn my back. I'm a quitter.
I can't even follow through for Lent. I haven't been observing lent very long (maybe 5 years) but I haven't been consistent with my vow any of those years - and Lent is a fairly short commitment.
Every broken promise, every failure to succeed, every non-fulfillment I can explain away or justify. Everything I've done or not done seems to make sense. I think most would agree with the choices I've made. However, just because something is reasonable does not mean it's right.
There's only one thing I know I have not ever quit. That is love.
Love and commitment go hand in hand wouldn't you think? Superficially yes. But love is deeper than that. Love does what's best for all involved, even if it means breaking a commitment. Commitment can become a burden. Love bears all burdens you say? Yes it does but part of bearing burdens is alleviating them.
I don't expect this to make sense to anyone. I'm writing because of my inner conflict. I'm writing because I'm disappointed in my lack of commitment. I'm writing because times are tough again and I don't know what to do. I want to tuck my tail in and run and I've already spouted off and pulled away. Where is my commitment?
Are we only committed as deep as our desires run? Successful commitments are tied to our will. We see something positive in the outcome. We abandon commitment when it becomes clear that the outcome will not be good. But we also quit because it gets too hard or we get distracted. I saw a positive outcome when I committed but it's getting tough and the outcome has become sketchy. It's time to either make it, or break it.
So what to do? The only thing I can think of is to fall back on the one thing I've never given up on. I'm not sure what that means yet, but it's the only answer I have.
From the Message:
Trust steadily in God * Hope Unswervingly * Love extravagantly (1 Corinthians 13:13)
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
One of those days......
I'm sick. I've been sick for over 25 years. You wouldn't know it by looking at me and you likely wouldn't even know it had you known me for years - unless I told you. I don't dwell on it and I don't talk about it very often. I mostly try to ignore it. But sometimes, I just can't.
Today, I'm having a pity party. I do that once in awhile. It's how I cope. My nature is to be optimistic but in order to be that way, I must allow myself days to be melancholy.
My illness is comprised of 3 autoimmune diseases. Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of arthritis that affects the spine and hip joints), Psoriatic Arthritis (an inflammatory condition that can involve all my joints but also includes yucky flaky skin patches that don't want to heal) and lastly, fibromyalgia (which I am still in denial about but supposedly involves trigger points, muscle aches, brain fog, and other weird maladies).
I am coming off a rather rough time physically but have felt good for the last 2-3 weeks. That's just the nature of autoimmune diseases. You have really bad flares alternating with days of normalcy. The bad thing is they are completely unpredictable. I might feel good today and unable to move tomorrow. Sometimes I can anticipate when I might feel bad, such as when the weather is changing. Yes, I can feel it in my bones - literally.
I pretty much have some pain daily. I can keep it under control with medication but sometimes medication quits working and I have to try something new. There are side effects with everything. I've taken pills every day of my life since I was 16 years old. I have been on an IV treatment for 7 years and have just recently had to increase it from every 8 weeks to every 6 weeks because it has lost effectiveness. The treatment is approximately $5,000 every time I go. I'm very thankful for my health insurance!
I'm now 42 - an age when most adults start having normal aches and pains. My aches and pains have been "normal" for over 25 years. I now face the affects of aging along with the aches and pains and sometimes worry about what life will be like in 10, 20, 30 years. Will I be completely disabled at some point? It's likely. Can I accept that? Maybe someday I will but not now. I intend to fight it as long as I can.
The hardest thing for me is not really the pain I deal with or the medications I have to take, it's more the comparison habits I have. I tend to look at other 40 something women and wonder why I can't be more like them, have their energy levels, run 5 miles, be super mom, or wear size 8 jeans. In that way, I suppose I'm no more different than any other woman. We all have our struggles and we all play that stupid comparison game. We tend to forget that God made us just like we are for a reason.
Will I ever understand the reason I have autoimmune diseases? No, not likely. I understand that it is partly due to my genetic make-up. I understand the scientific explanations. I even understand how it likely started or happened. But the why of it - why I got it and my brother didn't, why I have it but didn't pass it on to my children (praise God for that!), why I know others who have it worse than I do.....those are questions for which I will never have answers.
But this I do know: God is with me, always. He sometimes shelters me from pain, He comforts me on pity party days, and He will stay with me even at my worst. He has helped me overcome the times that would otherwise be unbearable. My body may fail me but He never will.
And perhaps, that is at least part of my answer. If there's one resounding lesson I've learned in life it's that we sometimes have to be brought to that place where we have absolutely nothing or nobody to depend on to truly understand what it means to depend on God. Today is one of those days.
Today, I'm having a pity party. I do that once in awhile. It's how I cope. My nature is to be optimistic but in order to be that way, I must allow myself days to be melancholy.
My illness is comprised of 3 autoimmune diseases. Ankylosing Spondylitis (a form of arthritis that affects the spine and hip joints), Psoriatic Arthritis (an inflammatory condition that can involve all my joints but also includes yucky flaky skin patches that don't want to heal) and lastly, fibromyalgia (which I am still in denial about but supposedly involves trigger points, muscle aches, brain fog, and other weird maladies).
I am coming off a rather rough time physically but have felt good for the last 2-3 weeks. That's just the nature of autoimmune diseases. You have really bad flares alternating with days of normalcy. The bad thing is they are completely unpredictable. I might feel good today and unable to move tomorrow. Sometimes I can anticipate when I might feel bad, such as when the weather is changing. Yes, I can feel it in my bones - literally.
I pretty much have some pain daily. I can keep it under control with medication but sometimes medication quits working and I have to try something new. There are side effects with everything. I've taken pills every day of my life since I was 16 years old. I have been on an IV treatment for 7 years and have just recently had to increase it from every 8 weeks to every 6 weeks because it has lost effectiveness. The treatment is approximately $5,000 every time I go. I'm very thankful for my health insurance!
I'm now 42 - an age when most adults start having normal aches and pains. My aches and pains have been "normal" for over 25 years. I now face the affects of aging along with the aches and pains and sometimes worry about what life will be like in 10, 20, 30 years. Will I be completely disabled at some point? It's likely. Can I accept that? Maybe someday I will but not now. I intend to fight it as long as I can.
The hardest thing for me is not really the pain I deal with or the medications I have to take, it's more the comparison habits I have. I tend to look at other 40 something women and wonder why I can't be more like them, have their energy levels, run 5 miles, be super mom, or wear size 8 jeans. In that way, I suppose I'm no more different than any other woman. We all have our struggles and we all play that stupid comparison game. We tend to forget that God made us just like we are for a reason.
Will I ever understand the reason I have autoimmune diseases? No, not likely. I understand that it is partly due to my genetic make-up. I understand the scientific explanations. I even understand how it likely started or happened. But the why of it - why I got it and my brother didn't, why I have it but didn't pass it on to my children (praise God for that!), why I know others who have it worse than I do.....those are questions for which I will never have answers.
But this I do know: God is with me, always. He sometimes shelters me from pain, He comforts me on pity party days, and He will stay with me even at my worst. He has helped me overcome the times that would otherwise be unbearable. My body may fail me but He never will.
And perhaps, that is at least part of my answer. If there's one resounding lesson I've learned in life it's that we sometimes have to be brought to that place where we have absolutely nothing or nobody to depend on to truly understand what it means to depend on God. Today is one of those days.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Where your treasure is…...
It's interesting to me that there are two identical verses in the Bible. Matthew 6:21 and Luke 12:34 - For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. I'm not sure of the theology behind this but I'm interested in finding out more.
Coincidentally, it is also the theme of our day 6 Lenten study.
Bonhoeffer states that we are to use the goods given to us by God and not store them away. He maintains that the heart clings to collected treasures and can come between us and God. He uses the example of manna given to the Israelites and how when stored, it spoiled and likens that to our stored possessions in that they spoil our relationship with God. I have to admit, that's a tough one for me.
But exactly where is my heart? Or more importantly, what do I treasure?
When I think about truly living day to day, trusting God each and every day to supply my needs, it is completely beyond my imagination. What would that look like? And if I'm not storing up treasure, that would mean not owning a home, a car, household goods - anything! It would also mean no savings account, no IRA, no 401K, no thought of retirement EVER. There would be no canned goods, no refrigerator, no freezer! No closets! Wha…..? Can you imagine life with no closets?
Complete dependence on God. Utter humility. Genuine appreciation when needs are provided. Honesty and openness with self and others. Sharing, community, unfathomable faith. Childlike trust. Zero sense of entitlement. Those are things that come without possession.
Obviously, there has to be a happy medium here, but when do you know when you have just enough?
It's not only possession that comes between us and God. Other people do. Our schedules do. Our work does. Even church can!
I'm not sure I'll ever master this heart/treasure thing but I do know this. When I quit making time to listen or talk with God, something is out of balance. Generally it's not "stuff" for me - I'm not overly attached to my house, cars, clothes or furniture (ok, well maybe some furniture) but I mostly want to fill my time with people. Those I can see, hear, touch and smell…… I let my desire to be with people distract me from God - I put my trust in people, get my comfort from people, give my heart to people.
So I treasure relationships, that is where my heart is. Doesn't sound so bad and isn't a bad thing generally speaking…… as long as I treasure God first. He created my heart, why not let my treasure reside with Him? Who better to guard it? The only one who can and has given me the same in return. For we are God's treasure and also where His heart remains.
Coincidentally, it is also the theme of our day 6 Lenten study.
Bonhoeffer states that we are to use the goods given to us by God and not store them away. He maintains that the heart clings to collected treasures and can come between us and God. He uses the example of manna given to the Israelites and how when stored, it spoiled and likens that to our stored possessions in that they spoil our relationship with God. I have to admit, that's a tough one for me.
But exactly where is my heart? Or more importantly, what do I treasure?
When I think about truly living day to day, trusting God each and every day to supply my needs, it is completely beyond my imagination. What would that look like? And if I'm not storing up treasure, that would mean not owning a home, a car, household goods - anything! It would also mean no savings account, no IRA, no 401K, no thought of retirement EVER. There would be no canned goods, no refrigerator, no freezer! No closets! Wha…..? Can you imagine life with no closets?
Complete dependence on God. Utter humility. Genuine appreciation when needs are provided. Honesty and openness with self and others. Sharing, community, unfathomable faith. Childlike trust. Zero sense of entitlement. Those are things that come without possession.
Obviously, there has to be a happy medium here, but when do you know when you have just enough?
It's not only possession that comes between us and God. Other people do. Our schedules do. Our work does. Even church can!
I'm not sure I'll ever master this heart/treasure thing but I do know this. When I quit making time to listen or talk with God, something is out of balance. Generally it's not "stuff" for me - I'm not overly attached to my house, cars, clothes or furniture (ok, well maybe some furniture) but I mostly want to fill my time with people. Those I can see, hear, touch and smell…… I let my desire to be with people distract me from God - I put my trust in people, get my comfort from people, give my heart to people.
So I treasure relationships, that is where my heart is. Doesn't sound so bad and isn't a bad thing generally speaking…… as long as I treasure God first. He created my heart, why not let my treasure reside with Him? Who better to guard it? The only one who can and has given me the same in return. For we are God's treasure and also where His heart remains.
Friday, March 7, 2014
For Me?
My church is doing a study for Lent - 40 Day Journey with Dietrich Bonhoeffer. The devotional part is quick and easy - just a paragraph to read, a Bible verse and a Psalm typically. However there are thought provoking questions and journaling suggestions at the end of each day's reading. I'd like to say I will journal each day of Lent, but I've already missed that goal.
The last two days of reading have had heavy emphasis on prayer. I have felt for some time that my prayer life was lacking. Perhaps it is because I wait until the end of the day to attempt prayer and before I finish, I'm almost always asleep. The author here encourages prayer to be a morning ritual, gives the example of Christ praying first thing in the morning and goes as far as to say that morning prayer is "decisive for the day". He says it helps with the ordering and scheduling of our day. I must admit that intrigues me! I'm most often running about with no idea what's next and that means neglect of thing that I need to get done. But when I read prayer is "decisive for the day" I also see it as seeking God first - it's a choice, a decision we make - to pray. If we decide to consult with God first, it only makes sense that our decisions throughout the day should also have God in mind.
Bonhoeffer also says that we are to read the word of God as God's word for us, individually - not consulting others regarding what scripture says to them, but reading each passage as if it were written strictly for ourselves, talking with God about our interpretation and not doubting that is the message God meant just for us. I guess that is the mystery of God, the mystery of the Bible. That it CAN mean different things to different people yet still be relevant in our lives. Just because we believe the Bible is divinely inspired by God does not mean that it has to be a literal, black & white translation! Who could we really trust to provide that translation if that were the case?
I will go out on a limb and say that in reading scripture, we can safely declare that an area where we are allowed to be a bit ego-centric. As for my personal relationship with God, His word is really ALL ABOUT ME! I gotta admit, I kinda like that! I've always had this sort of fantasy in the back of my mind that some day, some man would have written a volume of love letters to me or kept a journal about me or something else poetic and lovely that I would come across. Dreams DO come true because it was all written thousands of years ago - and really, JUST FOR ME. And you have one too! You have your own book of love letters from that guy..... that guy who loves you like no other. It's pretty great to realize that happily ever after is not a myth, it just comes in different form than we are humanly taught.
And that's kind of what Lent really is. It's a 40 day discovery of all the ways God loves us. Enjoy your journey!
The last two days of reading have had heavy emphasis on prayer. I have felt for some time that my prayer life was lacking. Perhaps it is because I wait until the end of the day to attempt prayer and before I finish, I'm almost always asleep. The author here encourages prayer to be a morning ritual, gives the example of Christ praying first thing in the morning and goes as far as to say that morning prayer is "decisive for the day". He says it helps with the ordering and scheduling of our day. I must admit that intrigues me! I'm most often running about with no idea what's next and that means neglect of thing that I need to get done. But when I read prayer is "decisive for the day" I also see it as seeking God first - it's a choice, a decision we make - to pray. If we decide to consult with God first, it only makes sense that our decisions throughout the day should also have God in mind.
Bonhoeffer also says that we are to read the word of God as God's word for us, individually - not consulting others regarding what scripture says to them, but reading each passage as if it were written strictly for ourselves, talking with God about our interpretation and not doubting that is the message God meant just for us. I guess that is the mystery of God, the mystery of the Bible. That it CAN mean different things to different people yet still be relevant in our lives. Just because we believe the Bible is divinely inspired by God does not mean that it has to be a literal, black & white translation! Who could we really trust to provide that translation if that were the case?
I will go out on a limb and say that in reading scripture, we can safely declare that an area where we are allowed to be a bit ego-centric. As for my personal relationship with God, His word is really ALL ABOUT ME! I gotta admit, I kinda like that! I've always had this sort of fantasy in the back of my mind that some day, some man would have written a volume of love letters to me or kept a journal about me or something else poetic and lovely that I would come across. Dreams DO come true because it was all written thousands of years ago - and really, JUST FOR ME. And you have one too! You have your own book of love letters from that guy..... that guy who loves you like no other. It's pretty great to realize that happily ever after is not a myth, it just comes in different form than we are humanly taught.
And that's kind of what Lent really is. It's a 40 day discovery of all the ways God loves us. Enjoy your journey!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
The Big Easy
I'm a big fan of easy. I'm always looking for the easy way to cook, clean, fix things, etc. Most of the time, I can even make life easy. Easy is always available. You have a task at hand that looks difficult, walk into Lowe's or Target or Walmart and you're likely to find a product that will make it easier for you. Even if there is not a product, if you think long and hard, often you can find an easier way to get things done.
But today I wonder, just what are we sacrificing by making things so dang easy all the time?
How do you feel after you've done something easy? Does it make a lasting impression?
Now - think about how you feel after accomplishing difficult tasks? What are the things we remember most? The easy things or the really difficult ones?
Today begins Lent. To me, it is a time to refocus on Christ and gift of His sacrifice. Some give up things that distract them from Christ. Some add in things that will draw them closer to Him. Some just ignore it of course…….. easy. Easy to ignore it. Easy to give up something that was not significant or add in something that you needed to do anyway. I would venture to say most make it easy. But my challenge this year is to actually embrace the difficult. I have decided on something difficult to omit from my life but I'm also adding in something that will be hard to make time for. I need this time to be meaningful. I don't want it to be easy. The easy things fade away. I want to remember this year as a time that I began to see value in those things that are difficult.
So what are we to do when we are tempted to go back to the easy?
What do we do when we want to give up?
What do we do when we don't know which direction is best?
What do we do when our self will seems to outweigh God's will?
We pray. And we wait. And we listen……. Not easy things to do. But God WILL answer. Is He easy to seek, easy to wait for or easy to hear? No way. God is not easy. He may not even give you an easy answer. But He will give you the BEST answer. God wants His best for us. When we look at what we quantify as "best" in our lives, they were most likely things that did not come easy. To earn "best" status, someone had to work for it. First place comes after years of hard work and practice. The same is true spiritually.
Someone very important to me once asked, "What, of value, ever comes easy?" - and what he may not know is that was actually an answer from God. Nothing, of value, comes easy. A life worth living can't be easy because easy things have very little value in our lives. Our effort, our struggles, our mistakes, our heartaches, our sacrifices - those are what makes life valuable; those are what make a difference and mold us into God's best.
But today I wonder, just what are we sacrificing by making things so dang easy all the time?
How do you feel after you've done something easy? Does it make a lasting impression?
Now - think about how you feel after accomplishing difficult tasks? What are the things we remember most? The easy things or the really difficult ones?
Today begins Lent. To me, it is a time to refocus on Christ and gift of His sacrifice. Some give up things that distract them from Christ. Some add in things that will draw them closer to Him. Some just ignore it of course…….. easy. Easy to ignore it. Easy to give up something that was not significant or add in something that you needed to do anyway. I would venture to say most make it easy. But my challenge this year is to actually embrace the difficult. I have decided on something difficult to omit from my life but I'm also adding in something that will be hard to make time for. I need this time to be meaningful. I don't want it to be easy. The easy things fade away. I want to remember this year as a time that I began to see value in those things that are difficult.
So what are we to do when we are tempted to go back to the easy?
What do we do when we want to give up?
What do we do when we don't know which direction is best?
What do we do when our self will seems to outweigh God's will?
We pray. And we wait. And we listen……. Not easy things to do. But God WILL answer. Is He easy to seek, easy to wait for or easy to hear? No way. God is not easy. He may not even give you an easy answer. But He will give you the BEST answer. God wants His best for us. When we look at what we quantify as "best" in our lives, they were most likely things that did not come easy. To earn "best" status, someone had to work for it. First place comes after years of hard work and practice. The same is true spiritually.
Someone very important to me once asked, "What, of value, ever comes easy?" - and what he may not know is that was actually an answer from God. Nothing, of value, comes easy. A life worth living can't be easy because easy things have very little value in our lives. Our effort, our struggles, our mistakes, our heartaches, our sacrifices - those are what makes life valuable; those are what make a difference and mold us into God's best.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Writing - healthy habit or unnecessary evil?
I continue to let this go - this writing that I used to be so passionate about. It was a form of therapy to me at one time; an outlet for undefined emotion - a way to work out my thoughts and give words to my feelings.
What I've noticed since I quit writing regularly is that I find it increasingly difficult to communicate effectively. I was very in tune with my thoughts and feelings two years ago and I now have a hard time processing emotion. The only blame I can put to that is that I no longer have time to stop and just *feel*. It's go, go, go which makes time for writing a luxury for which I have no budget. Sometimes sleep is just more important than thought…….
Or is it? What causes sleep to take precedence over other healthy habits? Depression, health issues, or just pure avoidance? Am I afraid of what I might encounter if I just sit down to process it a bit? Am I just so stubborn that I don't want to confront the negative feelings that might be surfacing?
Possibly it has nothing to do with anything negative at all. When I quit writing, it was when I was incredibly happy. My best blogging took place when I was unhappy and when life began happening the way I wanted, it was all too easy to quit writing. Who wants to hear about pure bliss anyway?
But why must I limit myself? Lent is upon us and we will be doing an interesting study at church throughout the season. The study provides journaling/blogging opportunities and I'm kind of excited about that. I want to make time for this again. Instead of giving something up, I'll be adding this in. Adding something has always worked better for me than giving something up.
So - let's see. I'm going to be blogging away, but I'm not sure how personal this will get. I'm still very cautious what I put out there for all the world to see. Some of it I will post, some of it I won't. But I will be back in the game - the game of knowing who I am, what I feel and how to process all that.
Life is rough. Might as well leave a record of our struggles. At the very least, someone somewhere will know they are not alone by reading a blog that some random individual was bold enough to put out there. For now, it's late and the need for sleep is trumping my need to vent, or think, or process.
What I've noticed since I quit writing regularly is that I find it increasingly difficult to communicate effectively. I was very in tune with my thoughts and feelings two years ago and I now have a hard time processing emotion. The only blame I can put to that is that I no longer have time to stop and just *feel*. It's go, go, go which makes time for writing a luxury for which I have no budget. Sometimes sleep is just more important than thought…….
Or is it? What causes sleep to take precedence over other healthy habits? Depression, health issues, or just pure avoidance? Am I afraid of what I might encounter if I just sit down to process it a bit? Am I just so stubborn that I don't want to confront the negative feelings that might be surfacing?
Possibly it has nothing to do with anything negative at all. When I quit writing, it was when I was incredibly happy. My best blogging took place when I was unhappy and when life began happening the way I wanted, it was all too easy to quit writing. Who wants to hear about pure bliss anyway?
But why must I limit myself? Lent is upon us and we will be doing an interesting study at church throughout the season. The study provides journaling/blogging opportunities and I'm kind of excited about that. I want to make time for this again. Instead of giving something up, I'll be adding this in. Adding something has always worked better for me than giving something up.
So - let's see. I'm going to be blogging away, but I'm not sure how personal this will get. I'm still very cautious what I put out there for all the world to see. Some of it I will post, some of it I won't. But I will be back in the game - the game of knowing who I am, what I feel and how to process all that.
Life is rough. Might as well leave a record of our struggles. At the very least, someone somewhere will know they are not alone by reading a blog that some random individual was bold enough to put out there. For now, it's late and the need for sleep is trumping my need to vent, or think, or process.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Of all the ways we are loved….
God loves in so many weird ways.
Just when we are ready to give up, He often works on the hearts of those we love.
Turns out, I have not lost in love yet again but could be possibly be working on the greatest (albeit most complicated) love story of all time.
What, of value, comes easy in life?
I can't turn my back until all hope is dashed. I thought hope was gone last week. I was wrong.
There is hope. There is faith (more than I knew). AND there is LOVE. Not just between two people but from the God who cares for them.
Luke 12:27 - Consider the lilies…..
Just when we are ready to give up, He often works on the hearts of those we love.
Turns out, I have not lost in love yet again but could be possibly be working on the greatest (albeit most complicated) love story of all time.
What, of value, comes easy in life?
I can't turn my back until all hope is dashed. I thought hope was gone last week. I was wrong.
There is hope. There is faith (more than I knew). AND there is LOVE. Not just between two people but from the God who cares for them.
Luke 12:27 - Consider the lilies…..
Thursday, January 2, 2014
2014
What a difference a year makes.
Obviously I am not who I was a year ago. A long string of disappointment has left me weary, disgruntled and jaded. 2013 rang in with incredible hope and so much awe of how God works and how much He loves me. This year I question that.
I have lost in love again. I could say it was due to poor choices but I really don't believe that. It started as something good and God breathed but turned on us both. Wish I knew why or how.
The thing I have come to realize is that we don't get to know why or how on most things. Sometimes we sit in awe over the good things and still wonder why God blesses us so. We sit in tears over the hurtful things and cry out asking why and feeling like we don't deserve the hardship. If we take a really honest look however, we realize we do deserve it. We also deserve the good. So why the paradox here? Because we are neither inherently good or evil we are just human and we have choices to make - sometimes easy, sometimes not. We can control our own choices but we can't control the choices of others and there are consequences no matter what. Our choices have consequences for us and for others - and others' choices sometimes affect us even if unintentionally.
So even when you finally get a good grasp on your own life and feel you have control - someone else who doesn't have control over theirs can still interrupt and wreak havoc on your order. Someone whom you love, someone who loves you. Love doesn't cancel out bad choices. Love can seek the best in someone but only for so long. Eventually all that energy gets used and the love gets depleted. It's not love for others that wanes, it's love of self that gets stolen. If we lose our self love then we die a bit inside and become no good to anyone else.
So I'm back at it - blogging to find Aimz again. Learning to love Aimz again and in the process loving Christ like I should have been doing all along. How many times must I learn not to put a man above my God? Am I spiritually retarded or is there something else He's trying to tell me? Only 2014 knows and it will likely take that long to discover myself again. This will be a year of living in the moment, no assumptions, no expectations just breathing daily and taking life one step at a time.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, no lacking anything.
Obviously I am not who I was a year ago. A long string of disappointment has left me weary, disgruntled and jaded. 2013 rang in with incredible hope and so much awe of how God works and how much He loves me. This year I question that.
I have lost in love again. I could say it was due to poor choices but I really don't believe that. It started as something good and God breathed but turned on us both. Wish I knew why or how.
The thing I have come to realize is that we don't get to know why or how on most things. Sometimes we sit in awe over the good things and still wonder why God blesses us so. We sit in tears over the hurtful things and cry out asking why and feeling like we don't deserve the hardship. If we take a really honest look however, we realize we do deserve it. We also deserve the good. So why the paradox here? Because we are neither inherently good or evil we are just human and we have choices to make - sometimes easy, sometimes not. We can control our own choices but we can't control the choices of others and there are consequences no matter what. Our choices have consequences for us and for others - and others' choices sometimes affect us even if unintentionally.
So even when you finally get a good grasp on your own life and feel you have control - someone else who doesn't have control over theirs can still interrupt and wreak havoc on your order. Someone whom you love, someone who loves you. Love doesn't cancel out bad choices. Love can seek the best in someone but only for so long. Eventually all that energy gets used and the love gets depleted. It's not love for others that wanes, it's love of self that gets stolen. If we lose our self love then we die a bit inside and become no good to anyone else.
So I'm back at it - blogging to find Aimz again. Learning to love Aimz again and in the process loving Christ like I should have been doing all along. How many times must I learn not to put a man above my God? Am I spiritually retarded or is there something else He's trying to tell me? Only 2014 knows and it will likely take that long to discover myself again. This will be a year of living in the moment, no assumptions, no expectations just breathing daily and taking life one step at a time.
James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, no lacking anything.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Discipleship, Christ likeness, and other mysteries
So.....
Many things have been churning in my mind and for quite some time.
I'm perplexed about faith and religion and church and the like. Strange, isn't it - to be still so unsure of one's spirtuality after having spent one's whole life IN CHURCH ?
My faith is intact and STRONG. However, I don't fully grasp what I'm doing here. Why is church so important and what is my role? One can have faith without church and many people attend church without faith. Why am I so drawn to it and why is it so important that my loved ones share that with me? I honestly don't have an answer for that question just yet.
And we are taught that we are called to be disciples - followers of Jesus. We are also taught to be Christ like. So, does that mean that as we follow Jesus and His teachings, we become more like him? Do we? ever? I mean, it seems so ebb and flow.... Sometimes we are very on cue with Christ, but others not so much. I would think that if you truly follow and spend time with Christ, this should be a constant - not an ever changing cycle. Perhaps that is just the human part of this. We are moody and emotional and NEVER constant.
So it is, I suppose with our relationships. Not just with Christ, but with everyone. I don't like it. I'm tired of emotions. I'm tired of good days, bad days and in between days. I crave consistency.
Because this is beyond my control then I must make choices that provide stability in my life and maybe that's where church comes in. It is one constant that has alway been a part of what makes me feel whole. It is the one place where most everyone there (for the most part) knows how love should go - even if they don't always practice it.
I can't control how others love, but I can control how I choose to do it. If I'm true to my instinct, the best way is always the way Christ loved. It's far from the easiest way or the most comfortable way but it seems to me that He modeled it this way for a reason. My instinct also says that although people may come into our lives randomly, we are still to love like Christ loved. Sometimes that means that our love is not returned the way we would wish. Sometimes that means our love is ignored. Sometimes, life takes our love and stomps on it, or poisons it with cancer, or gets angry with it. Sometimes our love is overshadowed by other human distractions or worse, completely rejected.
I believe that we've experienced all of those at one time or another and I'm positive that I haven't always kept on loving. In fact, I've done the opposite in most scenarios. But mistakes are how we learn. Ease and comfort don't work. Sometimes we have to be uncomfortable, sometimes our feelings have to get hurt, sometimes we have to take life's arrows in the gut - but we can't let those things kill our love. We have to keep loving. The only way to guard our hearts is to keep using them - even when it goes beyond our human will to do so. Don't let your love die. It's the only way to live out Christ's legacy.
Many things have been churning in my mind and for quite some time.
I'm perplexed about faith and religion and church and the like. Strange, isn't it - to be still so unsure of one's spirtuality after having spent one's whole life IN CHURCH ?
My faith is intact and STRONG. However, I don't fully grasp what I'm doing here. Why is church so important and what is my role? One can have faith without church and many people attend church without faith. Why am I so drawn to it and why is it so important that my loved ones share that with me? I honestly don't have an answer for that question just yet.
And we are taught that we are called to be disciples - followers of Jesus. We are also taught to be Christ like. So, does that mean that as we follow Jesus and His teachings, we become more like him? Do we? ever? I mean, it seems so ebb and flow.... Sometimes we are very on cue with Christ, but others not so much. I would think that if you truly follow and spend time with Christ, this should be a constant - not an ever changing cycle. Perhaps that is just the human part of this. We are moody and emotional and NEVER constant.
So it is, I suppose with our relationships. Not just with Christ, but with everyone. I don't like it. I'm tired of emotions. I'm tired of good days, bad days and in between days. I crave consistency.
Because this is beyond my control then I must make choices that provide stability in my life and maybe that's where church comes in. It is one constant that has alway been a part of what makes me feel whole. It is the one place where most everyone there (for the most part) knows how love should go - even if they don't always practice it.
I can't control how others love, but I can control how I choose to do it. If I'm true to my instinct, the best way is always the way Christ loved. It's far from the easiest way or the most comfortable way but it seems to me that He modeled it this way for a reason. My instinct also says that although people may come into our lives randomly, we are still to love like Christ loved. Sometimes that means that our love is not returned the way we would wish. Sometimes that means our love is ignored. Sometimes, life takes our love and stomps on it, or poisons it with cancer, or gets angry with it. Sometimes our love is overshadowed by other human distractions or worse, completely rejected.
I believe that we've experienced all of those at one time or another and I'm positive that I haven't always kept on loving. In fact, I've done the opposite in most scenarios. But mistakes are how we learn. Ease and comfort don't work. Sometimes we have to be uncomfortable, sometimes our feelings have to get hurt, sometimes we have to take life's arrows in the gut - but we can't let those things kill our love. We have to keep loving. The only way to guard our hearts is to keep using them - even when it goes beyond our human will to do so. Don't let your love die. It's the only way to live out Christ's legacy.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
And God said, "No."
When I was little, I asked God to make candy be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables - and God said NO. When I was a teenager, I asked God to make me naturally thin with no acne and God said NO. When I was an older teen and dealing with the first phases of an autoimmune disease, I asked God to heal me and God said NO. When I was in college, I asked God to show me the right career path and God said NO. As a young adult, I asked God to help me understand my husband and God said NO. As a young mother, I asked God for more sleep and God said NO. As I neared my 40's, I asked God to heal my marriage and God said NO.
Sometimes all we hear is NO, NO, NO.
After all of those negative answers to my questions, I pouted for a bit. Then I cried. Then I spent time angry at God, asking why. Why must life be so stinkin' difficult?
But after the biggest NO of my life (the divorce), I began to realize that those negatory answers might have been the very clearest pathways to some of my best YESSES!
When I realized candy would never be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables, I eventually decided I liked my leafy greens. YES! When I realized that I would have to deal with my weight and the occasional pimple, I learned to look beyond the physical and realize how much more there is to a person - including myself. YES! When I figured out there was no cure for my autoimmune disease and God wasn't going to heal me, I found ways of coping and new medications were developed that ease my symptoms. And it's not life threatening or severe enough to be debilitating so I really nothing to complain about. YES! I may not have ever found the right career path, but I got to spend time as a stay home mom. YES! I'll never understand men, but I've got some really great girlfriends who understand me. YES! I may not have gotten more sleep as a young mother but I'm getting quite a bit as a mother of teens which may be even more important. YES! God didn't heal my marriage, but He did heal my hurts and help me find myself again. YES!
Sometimes NO is a YES waiting to happen.
So, I've had a few NO's lately. And I pouted. And I cried. Got mad. Asked why. Just like before. But at the same time, I'm not too terribly upset over them because I know that there is a yes waiting to happen, when the time is right and when I've learned what I needed to learn from the no's.
In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the yesses and learning to be thankful for the no's. And that's what helps me sleep at night - knowing that no matter how hard life gets, there's a reward around the corner or maybe a chance for me to be someone's YES.
Sometimes all we hear is NO, NO, NO.
After all of those negative answers to my questions, I pouted for a bit. Then I cried. Then I spent time angry at God, asking why. Why must life be so stinkin' difficult?
But after the biggest NO of my life (the divorce), I began to realize that those negatory answers might have been the very clearest pathways to some of my best YESSES!
When I realized candy would never be as nutritious and low calorie as vegetables, I eventually decided I liked my leafy greens. YES! When I realized that I would have to deal with my weight and the occasional pimple, I learned to look beyond the physical and realize how much more there is to a person - including myself. YES! When I figured out there was no cure for my autoimmune disease and God wasn't going to heal me, I found ways of coping and new medications were developed that ease my symptoms. And it's not life threatening or severe enough to be debilitating so I really nothing to complain about. YES! I may not have ever found the right career path, but I got to spend time as a stay home mom. YES! I'll never understand men, but I've got some really great girlfriends who understand me. YES! I may not have gotten more sleep as a young mother but I'm getting quite a bit as a mother of teens which may be even more important. YES! God didn't heal my marriage, but He did heal my hurts and help me find myself again. YES!
Sometimes NO is a YES waiting to happen.
So, I've had a few NO's lately. And I pouted. And I cried. Got mad. Asked why. Just like before. But at the same time, I'm not too terribly upset over them because I know that there is a yes waiting to happen, when the time is right and when I've learned what I needed to learn from the no's.
In the meantime, I'm looking back over all the yesses and learning to be thankful for the no's. And that's what helps me sleep at night - knowing that no matter how hard life gets, there's a reward around the corner or maybe a chance for me to be someone's YES.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Fairy Tale mentality
Baby Girl is born, she is wrapped in pink and treated like a princess.
Toddler girl begins to learn what fairy tales are. Is given princess costumes and tiaras.
Preschool girl watches princess movies and discovers the concept of prince.
School girl learns about "happily ever after".
High School girl - begins to wish that someday her prince will come.
College girl looks for prince, a big white dress and sees happily ever after on the horizon.
Young woman gains the prince, wore the dress and begins to have princes and princesses of her own.
Middle aged woman loses sight of the fairy tale. Decides happily ever after was a myth.
Older woman decides happily ever after is dependent on herself and no one else.
Elderly woman sees that happily ever is attainable but not in this lifetime.
There is just something about the fairy tale that stays with a woman. It takes on different meanings at different stages of her life. Some women keep trying to find the prince but find most men fall short. Some women decide early on its a worthless pursuit. Some women hold dearly to the dream, let-down after let-down but are determined that their life will have that happy ending one day.
No matter what attitude a woman has adopted there is one thing I think that all women want. We want someone who will fight for us. I would even go as far as to say that this type of person would even bring hope to the woman who no longer believes in happily ever after. There's just one problem with that desire - It's hard to find someone that can actually live up to it.
Thing is, I really believe that most men are fighters. They want to be our knights in shining armor as much as we want them to be. But perhaps we are not always so princess-like or inspiring. It's really hard to fight for something that you may not believe in OR it's really hard to fight for someone that's already fighting with you.
We may want men to (excuse my vulgarity here) "grow some balls" but often we are the ones who cut them off in the first place.
And let's face it - if it's not us doing that then it's the crazy world we live in. It's the crazy stupid world that makes us insane so we go off on our men and decide to take captive their balls so they can't fight anymore OR it's the crazy stupid world, that beats down our men sapping their energy and then leaving us vulnerable. The crazy stupid world attacks us ALL.
It really doesn't matter what it is - my point is that we need to self examine before we make judgement - as do our men. We are often left vulnerable, but are we empowering our men? And even if we are the picture of perfect femininity and grace, do we ever stop and put ourselves in their shoes and really think about what they might be going through? Are we praying for them and loving them the way we've been taught in 1 Corinthians 13?
I no longer believe happily ever after is a myth but I do believe that I have a role in making that my life. Love is not something that just happens to you. Love is an action and I have as much responsibility to act on it as I have to receive it properly and without expectation.
Now, do princes actually exist? knights in shining armor? Perhaps not the way the fairy tales portray them but I know at least one guy who fits the job description - and he even fought for me this week! Sorry all you princess wannabes - this one is mine!
All men have it in them - they just need the right lady in waiting to bring it out. BE that girl...... you'll see.
Toddler girl begins to learn what fairy tales are. Is given princess costumes and tiaras.
Preschool girl watches princess movies and discovers the concept of prince.
School girl learns about "happily ever after".
High School girl - begins to wish that someday her prince will come.
College girl looks for prince, a big white dress and sees happily ever after on the horizon.
Young woman gains the prince, wore the dress and begins to have princes and princesses of her own.
Middle aged woman loses sight of the fairy tale. Decides happily ever after was a myth.
Older woman decides happily ever after is dependent on herself and no one else.
Elderly woman sees that happily ever is attainable but not in this lifetime.
There is just something about the fairy tale that stays with a woman. It takes on different meanings at different stages of her life. Some women keep trying to find the prince but find most men fall short. Some women decide early on its a worthless pursuit. Some women hold dearly to the dream, let-down after let-down but are determined that their life will have that happy ending one day.
No matter what attitude a woman has adopted there is one thing I think that all women want. We want someone who will fight for us. I would even go as far as to say that this type of person would even bring hope to the woman who no longer believes in happily ever after. There's just one problem with that desire - It's hard to find someone that can actually live up to it.
Thing is, I really believe that most men are fighters. They want to be our knights in shining armor as much as we want them to be. But perhaps we are not always so princess-like or inspiring. It's really hard to fight for something that you may not believe in OR it's really hard to fight for someone that's already fighting with you.
We may want men to (excuse my vulgarity here) "grow some balls" but often we are the ones who cut them off in the first place.
And let's face it - if it's not us doing that then it's the crazy world we live in. It's the crazy stupid world that makes us insane so we go off on our men and decide to take captive their balls so they can't fight anymore OR it's the crazy stupid world, that beats down our men sapping their energy and then leaving us vulnerable. The crazy stupid world attacks us ALL.
It really doesn't matter what it is - my point is that we need to self examine before we make judgement - as do our men. We are often left vulnerable, but are we empowering our men? And even if we are the picture of perfect femininity and grace, do we ever stop and put ourselves in their shoes and really think about what they might be going through? Are we praying for them and loving them the way we've been taught in 1 Corinthians 13?
I no longer believe happily ever after is a myth but I do believe that I have a role in making that my life. Love is not something that just happens to you. Love is an action and I have as much responsibility to act on it as I have to receive it properly and without expectation.
Now, do princes actually exist? knights in shining armor? Perhaps not the way the fairy tales portray them but I know at least one guy who fits the job description - and he even fought for me this week! Sorry all you princess wannabes - this one is mine!
All men have it in them - they just need the right lady in waiting to bring it out. BE that girl...... you'll see.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Seek and Ye Shall Find?
I am at home on a Sunday morning in July. That's very unusual behavior for me. It's church day. Church has been a part of my life since the beginning. I can't remember a time that I wasn't involved in church. I've been to many - switched denominations, visited with friends, watched online, listened on the radio, etc. There have been seasons in my life where church was a burden - another thing to do in my ever long list of "obligations". There have also been seasons where church was just routine, or maybe habit. There have been seasons where church was done only so my kids would have the experience. In fact, when I look back over my life I realize that the majority of my years were spent going to church for all the wrong reasons.
However, the last two years were the exception. My kids are now old enough that they can choose whether or not to go. I am no longer married so I don't have the spousal expectation that I attend. It has been completely my choice. No obligations to go, no need for routine attendance and no feelings of parental duty. I had the privilege of belonging to a congregation of incredibly loving and uplifting people so the choice was easy. I went because I wanted to.
I wanted to go for many reasons. I loved the people. I needed the social interaction. The pastors gave incredible messages that I needed to hear. I was able to participate in things I love - singing, teaching, learning and most of all fellowship. It helped complete me and contributed to my wholeness. The church accepted me when I was a mess, nurtured me back to health and then showed me ways I could do the same for others. I was able to give and receive - two very important things Christ asks of us.
But was that simply congregational? Before that two year season of my life, I really hadn't experienced that kind of church since high school. Or is it also in the timing? Churches experience highs and lows just like individuals do.
Whatever it is, it makes it doubly difficult to find a church now. Moving away from such an incredible congregation makes it hard not to expect to find it again somewhere new. I think I'm going to have to let go of the idealistic ideas in my mind - or at least archive them for awhile. I believe it is attainable again, but it may be that it has to be implemented somewhere new that may be in a slump or just getting started in learning about what makes outsiders feel wanted.
Churches suck at making people feel wanted.
But... look at me - throwing stones at the church from the comfort of my bed on a Sunday morning when I had every opportunity to go. It's not guilt I'm feeling though. It's discouragement. And although it may be understandable, it's simply not acceptable. How can I do anything about it if I don't put myself out there? I vowed to live life outside the box but I keep crawling back in. I am supposed to be the exception to the rule. May today's missed opportunity be the catalyst for new growth. No looking back, no projecting forward - just living in the moment day to day, thankful for the blessings in my life and knowing that God still holds me close to His heart - whether I stay in bed on a Sunday morning or trudge forward in my quest for a place to worship.
However, the last two years were the exception. My kids are now old enough that they can choose whether or not to go. I am no longer married so I don't have the spousal expectation that I attend. It has been completely my choice. No obligations to go, no need for routine attendance and no feelings of parental duty. I had the privilege of belonging to a congregation of incredibly loving and uplifting people so the choice was easy. I went because I wanted to.
I wanted to go for many reasons. I loved the people. I needed the social interaction. The pastors gave incredible messages that I needed to hear. I was able to participate in things I love - singing, teaching, learning and most of all fellowship. It helped complete me and contributed to my wholeness. The church accepted me when I was a mess, nurtured me back to health and then showed me ways I could do the same for others. I was able to give and receive - two very important things Christ asks of us.
But was that simply congregational? Before that two year season of my life, I really hadn't experienced that kind of church since high school. Or is it also in the timing? Churches experience highs and lows just like individuals do.
Whatever it is, it makes it doubly difficult to find a church now. Moving away from such an incredible congregation makes it hard not to expect to find it again somewhere new. I think I'm going to have to let go of the idealistic ideas in my mind - or at least archive them for awhile. I believe it is attainable again, but it may be that it has to be implemented somewhere new that may be in a slump or just getting started in learning about what makes outsiders feel wanted.
Churches suck at making people feel wanted.
But... look at me - throwing stones at the church from the comfort of my bed on a Sunday morning when I had every opportunity to go. It's not guilt I'm feeling though. It's discouragement. And although it may be understandable, it's simply not acceptable. How can I do anything about it if I don't put myself out there? I vowed to live life outside the box but I keep crawling back in. I am supposed to be the exception to the rule. May today's missed opportunity be the catalyst for new growth. No looking back, no projecting forward - just living in the moment day to day, thankful for the blessings in my life and knowing that God still holds me close to His heart - whether I stay in bed on a Sunday morning or trudge forward in my quest for a place to worship.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Workin' On a Smile
Sometimes you just have a bad day. Sometimes even though logic tells you that it will pass, it is still all consuming and it causes your otherwise positive outlook on life to veer to the negative. Even those things that were good yesterday begin to look a little, well..... blah.
Why is it that we have to have such highs and lows in life? Why does it have to be such a struggle to find every glass half full? Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes no matter in what light you see that glass, it still looks more empty than full.
How much of these deep valley days are self inflicted? Do we really choose our attitudes or do they just happen upon us?
There's more than one way to slice an apple. Do we remember to slice it so we see the star or do we more often just cut it to the core as quickly as we can so as to gobble it up and satisfy our cravings?
I believe that today I forgot to look for the star. I was too consumed by work, relationships, life in general to take time to slice the apple artfully. Not that I won't have bad days when I remember the star..... I just think the impact will be lessened. Maybe?
And perhaps I'm grasping at straws. I can't be all Pollyanna Sunshine all the time. I can't fill this whole blog with hope! Who does that? While in my gut I know that this is a moment that will pass and likely tomorrow I will be all happy again, there are just times when Debbie Downer has to show herself. Wah, Wah.
These are the moments that either make or break a woman. I'm pretty sturdy so I guess that means there's a project in the works..... Can you guess what it is?
Operation Take One Down - from the song:
‘Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie You work on a smile and you go for a ride. ~Daniel Powter.
Why is it that we have to have such highs and lows in life? Why does it have to be such a struggle to find every glass half full? Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes no matter in what light you see that glass, it still looks more empty than full.
How much of these deep valley days are self inflicted? Do we really choose our attitudes or do they just happen upon us?
There's more than one way to slice an apple. Do we remember to slice it so we see the star or do we more often just cut it to the core as quickly as we can so as to gobble it up and satisfy our cravings?
I believe that today I forgot to look for the star. I was too consumed by work, relationships, life in general to take time to slice the apple artfully. Not that I won't have bad days when I remember the star..... I just think the impact will be lessened. Maybe?
And perhaps I'm grasping at straws. I can't be all Pollyanna Sunshine all the time. I can't fill this whole blog with hope! Who does that? While in my gut I know that this is a moment that will pass and likely tomorrow I will be all happy again, there are just times when Debbie Downer has to show herself. Wah, Wah.
These are the moments that either make or break a woman. I'm pretty sturdy so I guess that means there's a project in the works..... Can you guess what it is?
Operation Take One Down - from the song:
‘Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie You work on a smile and you go for a ride. ~Daniel Powter.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Not What I Ordered
Ever been to a restaurant and ordered food but got something entirely different than what you expected? Are you disappointed or ready to try something new? Some of my favorite foods have happened upon me this way. I think I want one thing and then am presented another - only to find out that this new thing is soooooo much better than what I thought I wanted originally.
I think often our prayers work out that way too. We think we know what we want and ask God accordingly. Sometimes we get exactly what we ask for and other times.....eh, not so much. The thing I'm learning about those not so much moments is that more often than not - there is something even better around the corner - something I don't know about or understand yet. I think sometimes He has to prepare my palate to be ready to taste this sweeter thing that's in store for me. Perhaps I even have to swallow a few bitter morsels before I can truly appreciate the gift that's waiting.
I think that's sort of what is happening with me now. I think I put in an order for what I thought I wanted.... something that perhaps I've tasted before and thought I liked. Or maybe I looked at that big sweet cupcake thinking I wanted it and didn't realize that prime rib was not only more delicious but also more sustaining. Maybe my little girl side is still wishing for that fairy tale not realizing what a delight that epic novel could be. Really now..... who wants a tootsie roll when you could have an amazing 5 course meal? Not only would that meal provide more variety for the palate but it would also nourish the body in so many more ways.
Before I can appreciate that 5 course meal, I've got to get through a few nights of Taco Bell I guess..... And that's quite alright. It's those fast food nights that give me time to prepare for the big meal, time to write the entries of my epic novel, time to develop the taste buds needed to savor every morsel of love that life promises to bring.
Every life event is a gift - even those that hurt, even those that make us angry, even those that don't make sense. It's those things that make up our story, shape our thinking, create our masterpieces! True art does not come without difficulty and the most beautiful sites on earth were created from adverse conditions. God is just subtle like that. He wants us to connect the dots and see His hand in things; wants us to search for Him. It's then that we see how He really is there.
Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are my ways your ways declares the Lord.
1 Corinthians 13:13 Trust steadily in God. Hope unswervingly. LOVE extravagantly!
I think often our prayers work out that way too. We think we know what we want and ask God accordingly. Sometimes we get exactly what we ask for and other times.....eh, not so much. The thing I'm learning about those not so much moments is that more often than not - there is something even better around the corner - something I don't know about or understand yet. I think sometimes He has to prepare my palate to be ready to taste this sweeter thing that's in store for me. Perhaps I even have to swallow a few bitter morsels before I can truly appreciate the gift that's waiting.
I think that's sort of what is happening with me now. I think I put in an order for what I thought I wanted.... something that perhaps I've tasted before and thought I liked. Or maybe I looked at that big sweet cupcake thinking I wanted it and didn't realize that prime rib was not only more delicious but also more sustaining. Maybe my little girl side is still wishing for that fairy tale not realizing what a delight that epic novel could be. Really now..... who wants a tootsie roll when you could have an amazing 5 course meal? Not only would that meal provide more variety for the palate but it would also nourish the body in so many more ways.
Before I can appreciate that 5 course meal, I've got to get through a few nights of Taco Bell I guess..... And that's quite alright. It's those fast food nights that give me time to prepare for the big meal, time to write the entries of my epic novel, time to develop the taste buds needed to savor every morsel of love that life promises to bring.
Every life event is a gift - even those that hurt, even those that make us angry, even those that don't make sense. It's those things that make up our story, shape our thinking, create our masterpieces! True art does not come without difficulty and the most beautiful sites on earth were created from adverse conditions. God is just subtle like that. He wants us to connect the dots and see His hand in things; wants us to search for Him. It's then that we see how He really is there.
Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are my ways your ways declares the Lord.
1 Corinthians 13:13 Trust steadily in God. Hope unswervingly. LOVE extravagantly!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
The Things We Can't Have..... at least for now.
So I haven't written in almost 2 months...... that may be a record! There are perks to being busy I guess. The mind gets torn so many different directions that it doesn't have time to over-analyze the mysteries of life. I've been accused of thinking TOO much in the past - perhaps I'm now in a place where that is no longer a problem. Not a problem for those who accused me of that anyway - kind of an issue with me. I actually like to think. I like to have long conversations with others who like to think. I like to pinpoint exactly what I believe and sometimes that takes awhile - I'm fickle and sometimes easily influenced.
So I'm back with the new thing that's bothering me lately..... as you know, I tend to write about the things I need to work out in my head. For some reason, I'm questioning life again. I went through a good solid year at least of just accepting it, feeling content and going with the flow. Perhaps that's easy when things are going the way you want. And what's weird about this now is that things HAVE gone and ARE going just the way I would want them to...... to a degree. There are a few very minor things that I could request from God (and that I do ask for quite often) but overall I'm really happy. The move went smoothly, I love my house, I love Norman, work is satisfactory (never great) and the kids seem really happy too.
But..... there are things I miss and things I long for that seem very out of reach. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't get me down sometimes. I'm not going to list those things I miss or desire simply because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just want to know why.... What is it about human nature that makes us want the very thing we can't have OR want NOW what we know must take time. This whole instant gratification thing is frustrating me. I *know* that the most wonderful things in life are those that we have to wait for. Wait for it,,,,,waaaaaaaait for it! But instead of being a patient, mature adult - I am more like a 3 year old ready to throw a tantrum or that wants to ask why all the time? Why do I want it, Why can't I have it, or why can't I have it now?
And then my good old friend guilt enters the picture and throws daggers at me. How petty am I that I'm having a pity party over things I don't even need when there are so many who have lost everything in the recent tornadoes. They don't even have everything they NEED and here I am being selfish about a simple desire. What is wrong with me?
I guess I have become a little too self absorbed and I hate that! For instance, I realized today as I visited another church that I am approaching it the wrong way. I am looking for the church of the what-can-you-do-for-me instead of searching for a place where I can serve! I tend to look at all the activities these churches offer and gauge them by how interesting the activities appear. Instead, I need to look for the congregation I can see myself relating to, the place where I can plug in and actively participate - instead of being like a baby bird in a nest who looks at mama bird saying "feed me, feed me". When I left Elk, I felt like I was taking flight...... my baby bird days are history!
Similarly, I have regressed in my life. How has this happened? I have let life become about me and it's just not designed to be that way. I am not here on this earth to make my own life better - what's the point of that? I'm here to love, here to serve, here to care and here because Jesus no longer is. Of course, God is everywhere but we really can't sense Him or feel Him - well, most of us can't. The way we experience God is through people. People who know love the way God designed it, people who show love the way Jesus lived it, people who know how to love in action rather than get caught up in love the emotion.
So..... I need to get out of the box again. I know I'm right where I am supposed to be - fully, 100% confident in that. However, I'm missing some things and they are not things that are just going to come to me. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do a few things that I may not like initially. I simply can't go on this way - it's not healthy. I hesitate because life is already complicated so how in the world do I fit in more activity? I just do - because I need to - and the rest will work itself out. If I get outside myself for a bit, maybe just maybe, those things I long for and am waiting for will work themselves out even sooner than I think. As much as I want this life to be all about me, that's simply not where it's at, nor where it should be.
So I'm back with the new thing that's bothering me lately..... as you know, I tend to write about the things I need to work out in my head. For some reason, I'm questioning life again. I went through a good solid year at least of just accepting it, feeling content and going with the flow. Perhaps that's easy when things are going the way you want. And what's weird about this now is that things HAVE gone and ARE going just the way I would want them to...... to a degree. There are a few very minor things that I could request from God (and that I do ask for quite often) but overall I'm really happy. The move went smoothly, I love my house, I love Norman, work is satisfactory (never great) and the kids seem really happy too.
But..... there are things I miss and things I long for that seem very out of reach. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't get me down sometimes. I'm not going to list those things I miss or desire simply because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just want to know why.... What is it about human nature that makes us want the very thing we can't have OR want NOW what we know must take time. This whole instant gratification thing is frustrating me. I *know* that the most wonderful things in life are those that we have to wait for. Wait for it,,,,,waaaaaaaait for it! But instead of being a patient, mature adult - I am more like a 3 year old ready to throw a tantrum or that wants to ask why all the time? Why do I want it, Why can't I have it, or why can't I have it now?
And then my good old friend guilt enters the picture and throws daggers at me. How petty am I that I'm having a pity party over things I don't even need when there are so many who have lost everything in the recent tornadoes. They don't even have everything they NEED and here I am being selfish about a simple desire. What is wrong with me?
I guess I have become a little too self absorbed and I hate that! For instance, I realized today as I visited another church that I am approaching it the wrong way. I am looking for the church of the what-can-you-do-for-me instead of searching for a place where I can serve! I tend to look at all the activities these churches offer and gauge them by how interesting the activities appear. Instead, I need to look for the congregation I can see myself relating to, the place where I can plug in and actively participate - instead of being like a baby bird in a nest who looks at mama bird saying "feed me, feed me". When I left Elk, I felt like I was taking flight...... my baby bird days are history!
Similarly, I have regressed in my life. How has this happened? I have let life become about me and it's just not designed to be that way. I am not here on this earth to make my own life better - what's the point of that? I'm here to love, here to serve, here to care and here because Jesus no longer is. Of course, God is everywhere but we really can't sense Him or feel Him - well, most of us can't. The way we experience God is through people. People who know love the way God designed it, people who show love the way Jesus lived it, people who know how to love in action rather than get caught up in love the emotion.
So..... I need to get out of the box again. I know I'm right where I am supposed to be - fully, 100% confident in that. However, I'm missing some things and they are not things that are just going to come to me. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do a few things that I may not like initially. I simply can't go on this way - it's not healthy. I hesitate because life is already complicated so how in the world do I fit in more activity? I just do - because I need to - and the rest will work itself out. If I get outside myself for a bit, maybe just maybe, those things I long for and am waiting for will work themselves out even sooner than I think. As much as I want this life to be all about me, that's simply not where it's at, nor where it should be.
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