Commitment

I've decided I'm not good at commitment.  The going gets tough and the tough get going.  Get going as in they leave or as in they get super committed?  I think most people would say that means the tough get busy, get motivated, get active.  I want to be that kind of tough.

But I'm tough in other ways....  some not so mighty.  I hate to admit this, but I'm the tuck your tail in and run type of girl.  Or I'm the spout off and fight but then pull away type of girl.  I can go all "Billy Badass" on you but then I turn my back.  I'm a quitter.

I can't even follow through for Lent.  I haven't been observing lent very long (maybe 5 years) but I haven't been consistent with my vow any of those years - and Lent is a fairly short commitment.

Every broken promise, every failure to succeed, every non-fulfillment I can explain away or justify.  Everything I've done or not done seems to make sense.  I think most would agree with the choices I've made.  However, just because something is reasonable does not mean it's right.

There's only one thing I know I have not ever quit.  That is love.

Love and commitment go hand in hand wouldn't you think?  Superficially yes.  But love is deeper than that.  Love does what's best for all involved, even if it means breaking a commitment.  Commitment can become a burden.  Love bears all burdens you say?  Yes it does but part of bearing burdens is alleviating them.

I don't expect this to make sense to anyone.  I'm writing because of my inner conflict.  I'm writing because I'm disappointed in my lack of commitment.  I'm writing because times are tough again and I don't know what to do.  I want to tuck my tail in and run and I've already spouted off and pulled away.  Where is my commitment?

Are we only committed as deep as our desires run?  Successful commitments are tied to our will.  We see something positive in the outcome.  We abandon commitment when it becomes clear that the outcome will not be good.  But we also quit because it gets too hard or we get distracted.   I saw a positive outcome when I committed but it's getting tough and the outcome has become sketchy.  It's time to either make it, or break it.

So what to do?  The only thing I can think of is to fall back on the one thing I've never given up on.  I'm not sure what that means yet, but it's the only answer I have.

From the Message:
Trust steadily in God * Hope Unswervingly * Love extravagantly   (1 Corinthians 13:13)