2014

What a difference a year makes.

Obviously I am not who I was a year ago.  A long string of disappointment has left me weary, disgruntled and jaded.  2013 rang in with incredible hope and so much awe of how God works and how much He loves me.  This year I question that.

I have lost in love again.  I could say it was due to poor choices but I really don't believe that.  It started as something good and God breathed but turned on us both.  Wish I knew why or how.

The thing I have come to realize is that we don't get to know why or how on most things.  Sometimes we sit in awe over the good things and still wonder why God blesses us so.  We sit in tears over the hurtful things and cry out asking why and feeling like we don't deserve the hardship.  If we take a really honest look however, we realize we do deserve it.  We also deserve the good.  So why the paradox here?  Because we are neither inherently good or evil we are just human and we have choices to make - sometimes easy, sometimes not.  We can control our own choices but we can't control the choices of others and there are consequences no matter what.  Our choices have consequences for us and for others - and others' choices sometimes affect us even if unintentionally.

So even when you finally get a good grasp on your own life and feel  you have control - someone else who doesn't have control over theirs can still interrupt and wreak havoc on your order.  Someone whom you love, someone who loves you.  Love doesn't cancel out bad choices.  Love can seek the best in someone but only for so long.  Eventually all that energy gets used and the love gets depleted.  It's not love for others that wanes, it's love of self that gets stolen.  If we lose our self love then we die a bit inside and become no good to anyone else.

So I'm back at it - blogging to find Aimz again.  Learning to love Aimz again and in the process loving Christ like I should have been doing all along.  How many times must I learn not to put a man above my God?  Am I spiritually retarded or is there something else He's trying to tell me?  Only 2014 knows and it will likely take that long to discover myself again.  This will be a year of living in the moment, no assumptions, no expectations just breathing daily and taking life one step at a time.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, no lacking anything.