It's Easter Sunday. I realized that this is my last Easter Sunday in Elk City. In fact, I only have 3 more Sundays here. I've known for quite some time that this was coming and as the time draws closer, I have noticed myself becoming more and more conflicted in my feelings about that.
I love this church. I love the worship styles offered. I love the doctrine. I love the fellowship opportunities. I love the pastors. But most of all, I love the people that make up the heart of our congregation. This church, as a whole, has been the sharpest example of Jesus I have ever known. And I mean EVER.
And although I am extremely excited about the new opportunities life will bring with my upcoming move, I am also extremely distraught over leaving the people that I love so much. Of course, it is not really goodbye because I will have opportunities to visit and will most certainly stay in touch with many of them. But it can never, ever be the same. I don't just see an exciting new future in my new location, but I also see exciting new things that are happening here with this church and it hurts to know that I will not be a part of those.
The premise of Easter just amplifies my conflicted emotion. I think of Jesus, his disciples, his friends and his family. He informed them of all the changes to come but it was difficult for them to really grasp the concept or understand what He was trying to tell them. As the crucifixion approached, they saw signs and began to be apprehensive. Then, on that most horrifying Friday, it all came to pass. They knew that life had changed forever. I would think that the mourning for Him began even before that day and intensified afterward. I would also think that once He arose, they knew it was all so bittersweet. It is significant that He showed Himself to them - to give them hope. But I would also think that it increased the grief for a time. If they loved Him like we love our dearest, they would have been happy to know He was in a good place where suffering no longer existed and that He was preparing a place for them, but they also must have ached for His company, missed His words of wisdom and longed to hug or kiss Him just one more time.
I would also think that as they began to heal from their grief, they found themselves stronger and somewhat inspired by the example His life was to them. They would begin to remember just what His loving words meant to them and they would begin to seek a life that would honor His. They would also realize that even though He was no longer physically with them, that He was with them in their hearts and souls and would be for the rest of their lives.
I can only think that this is what has happened in my experience with this great church family that I have been extremely blessed to know and love. It hurts my heart to leave, but yet I know the grief I feel will only lead to the fondest of memories and the inspiration to continue living their legacy. It will cause me to go forward in ways that would honor not only the people that nurtured me, but to empower me to pay forward the ways that have grown me into the woman God would want me to be.
It is rare to find a church that truly "gets it" but once you have, it can only inspire you to live out its example. I don't know for sure what my future holds, but I know that I have seen Jesus here and I know that because of that my life is changed. I will greatly miss this church but there is part of it that will always be with me helping me to make wise choices and look for loving ways to live their legacy. I have known others who feel the same as I - whom have gone other places and continued to live in a way that honors this congregation, and in turn, honors Jesus as well.
Much like I will never have the words to show the appropriate amount of gratitude to God for the gift of His grace, I can't find the words to show the amount of love I have for these people. Because of that, I must live in a way that they know that they have left their mark on me; just like we all must live in a way that shows the mark of Christ on our souls.
There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that is heavy on my mind today. This is how I hope to live out the gratitude and appreciation I have for those who have held me in their palms and nurtured me to a new life:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Change is good, Life is good.
I haven't written in awhile mostly because life is so crazy busy. I never in a million years thought that I would become one of those moms who has something every night! And .... I probably wouldn't be if I weren't dividing my time between Elk City and Norman. But that has been a good change - so good, in fact that Norman is going to be my new home in about 5 weeks. I would like to think that life might slow down a bit once I get there, but I'm afraid it may just get busier. And - I'm ok with that!
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
God Calling - What? Why? and HOW!?!
After last Sunday, I began to wonder - am I the only one who gets a bit nervous when the pastor starts preaching about our purpose in life or what God is calling us to do? It's not that I don't want to do what God asks of me - quite the contrary. It's the what of it that makes me nervous. What is my calling? I feel a definite tug at my heart when this subject comes up and I have ideas of what I believe God wants of me. However, if I explore these ideas in detail I become overwhelmed, unworthy, incapable and the logisitcs of making it happen seem insurmountable. I mean, I have responsibilities right? I have to be able to support not only myself, but my children and what if my idea of this "calling" is way off base? What if it is NOT what God wants of me?
Did Moses feel this way? Jonah? Paul?
I went to early service last week and afterward I was troubled. As I drove home, I stewed over it a bit. Then the thought occurred to me that I was worrying over something that I could not in any way, shape or form work out on my own. If my idea of this calling is correct, then it is actually out of my hands to a degree. If that is indeed what God wants for my life, all I can do is rely on Him to open the doors for me. When I got home, Anna then wanted to go to the later service and didn't want to go alone. So I went with her. Different service this time with a different pastor but the SAME message. God definitely has a plan - not just for me, but for my children, for my friends and for YOU.
After this particular service, I was no longer nervous or troubled. I realized that His calling is not about me or my abilities or my responsibilites, it is about His grace and His extension of that grace not just to me but to everyone. God wants me to just be who I am - because He made me this way for a reason. He wants me to just relax and quit trying to "help" Him. There is nothing about me that I can change or improve or fine tune that will help Him accomplish what He wants. In the same way, my circumstances have molded me into who I am today in such a way that He can use them in just the way He wants. He has done all the work necessary within me, my only responsibility is for me to accept this molding and let Him continue with finishing touches.
There is a book called Eat, Pray, Love - it's a good book but it reminds of what my calling is right at this very moment. It's pretty much that simple. Be Fed by His Word, talk to Him daily and continue loving. I may have messed up love in the past but our biggest mistakes deliver our most valuable lessons. Rarely do I make the same mistake twice. I understand love now - more than I ever have. It's funny how when something like love injures you most, you realize the only way to overcome that pain is to love even more.
Try it. It works.
And then know this: our calling does not have to be complicated. our calling is to love and be ourselves. God will do the rest. We don't have to be someone we're not in order to please God. He will take us, flaws and all. Quit looking around at everyone else and wishing to be more like her/him or less like you. You are perfect just the way you are!
Hebrews 10:14
With one sacrifice, then, he has made perfect forever those who are purified from sin.
Did Moses feel this way? Jonah? Paul?
I went to early service last week and afterward I was troubled. As I drove home, I stewed over it a bit. Then the thought occurred to me that I was worrying over something that I could not in any way, shape or form work out on my own. If my idea of this calling is correct, then it is actually out of my hands to a degree. If that is indeed what God wants for my life, all I can do is rely on Him to open the doors for me. When I got home, Anna then wanted to go to the later service and didn't want to go alone. So I went with her. Different service this time with a different pastor but the SAME message. God definitely has a plan - not just for me, but for my children, for my friends and for YOU.
After this particular service, I was no longer nervous or troubled. I realized that His calling is not about me or my abilities or my responsibilites, it is about His grace and His extension of that grace not just to me but to everyone. God wants me to just be who I am - because He made me this way for a reason. He wants me to just relax and quit trying to "help" Him. There is nothing about me that I can change or improve or fine tune that will help Him accomplish what He wants. In the same way, my circumstances have molded me into who I am today in such a way that He can use them in just the way He wants. He has done all the work necessary within me, my only responsibility is for me to accept this molding and let Him continue with finishing touches.
There is a book called Eat, Pray, Love - it's a good book but it reminds of what my calling is right at this very moment. It's pretty much that simple. Be Fed by His Word, talk to Him daily and continue loving. I may have messed up love in the past but our biggest mistakes deliver our most valuable lessons. Rarely do I make the same mistake twice. I understand love now - more than I ever have. It's funny how when something like love injures you most, you realize the only way to overcome that pain is to love even more.
Try it. It works.
And then know this: our calling does not have to be complicated. our calling is to love and be ourselves. God will do the rest. We don't have to be someone we're not in order to please God. He will take us, flaws and all. Quit looking around at everyone else and wishing to be more like her/him or less like you. You are perfect just the way you are!
Hebrews 10:14
With one sacrifice, then, he has made perfect forever those who are purified from sin.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Cleaning Out Closets
I find it ironic, that as I begin to clean out closets in preparation to move in a few months that I am also bombarded with emails, verses, etc that are themed with the subject of forgiveness.
I am, by nature, a very forgiving person...... to a point. However, if the wrongs just keep on coming I tend to shut down the forgiveness pool. I know and realize that forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you allow the other person to remain present in your life. But even if that person is no longer a part of your life, it is sometimes hard to really let go of the pain they caused. It's easy to let it fester and much easier to let go of them with negative feelings than with fond ones.
It's no secret that I've put my best effort into taking the high road through divorce. And mostly, I feel that I have let negative feelings go. I still have a great deal of respect for my former spouse and in many ways will always love him. However, lately with all the messages on forgiveness I've been getting, I can't help but wonder if I've totally "cleaned out my closet" of anger and resentment. I think that there are still a few mementos I'm hanging onto for some odd reason and I know I've got to dig them out and throw them away.
So I learned today that the word forgive has several meanings in scripture - one of them being kaphar - which in Greek means to purge or pitch. It originates from the Hebrew word for atonement - which is to cleanse or cover. Suzie Eller states, "Kaphar forgiveness is a gift. It allows you to pitch the past and its entanglements, and it covers the new relationship with God's grace." And that right there is why I've got to get serious about cleaning out my closets. Suzie wanted to restore a relationship and that was the goal of her forgiveness. I'm not needing to restore a relationship but I am beginning a new one. In order for this new one to reach its full potential, I must know my closets are clean. If I want God's continuing grace where I am going, I will not bring the skeletons of my past along with me. I must lay them to rest and leave them right where they belong.
Part of doing that is realizing that so much of our lives are completely out of our control. We do make mistakes that cause chaos at times but when true tragedy happens, I believe we are victims of circumstance. It's not about the errors I made in marriage OR the things that he did wrong - it is the combination of our mistakes with our circumstances that led to the place we are now. It's about making peace with the past and not dwelling on it - even if you or someone else is partly to blame. Ann Voskamp summarizes this well:
What is in the past has already been forgiven. What a gift! If I can accept that gift, then I should surely be able to pay it forward and let all that negativity stay where it belongs. The future is my opportunity to give back. The future is my opportunity to acknowledge that even bad things can lead to good and to be thankful that through that circumstance, I have been changed for the better. Ann also says:
You’ve only accepted Christ as your Lord without reservation — as much as you have accepted your life as a gift without regret.
It has always been my goal to live without regret. Today that is no different. However, today I have had the experiences of the past to help me live in ways that lead to prosperity and not demise.. We definitely learn from our mistakes - very expensive lessons at times. But they are valuable lessons that help us embrace our future, not just with confidence but with grace. Precious gifts...... yes gifts! Those things that left me with resentment...... are gifts. So as I for-give - I am learning that this process involves giving those things ~back~ to God first. Then we may pay it forward (a new way to think of for-giving; giving forward) - extending grace to those who have wronged us.
It's not just about extending that grace to the person who wronged us, but it's about the bigger picture of living victoriously - free from the burden of negativity - free to go forward and truly live!
The best is yet to be.
I am, by nature, a very forgiving person...... to a point. However, if the wrongs just keep on coming I tend to shut down the forgiveness pool. I know and realize that forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you allow the other person to remain present in your life. But even if that person is no longer a part of your life, it is sometimes hard to really let go of the pain they caused. It's easy to let it fester and much easier to let go of them with negative feelings than with fond ones.
It's no secret that I've put my best effort into taking the high road through divorce. And mostly, I feel that I have let negative feelings go. I still have a great deal of respect for my former spouse and in many ways will always love him. However, lately with all the messages on forgiveness I've been getting, I can't help but wonder if I've totally "cleaned out my closet" of anger and resentment. I think that there are still a few mementos I'm hanging onto for some odd reason and I know I've got to dig them out and throw them away.
So I learned today that the word forgive has several meanings in scripture - one of them being kaphar - which in Greek means to purge or pitch. It originates from the Hebrew word for atonement - which is to cleanse or cover. Suzie Eller states, "Kaphar forgiveness is a gift. It allows you to pitch the past and its entanglements, and it covers the new relationship with God's grace." And that right there is why I've got to get serious about cleaning out my closets. Suzie wanted to restore a relationship and that was the goal of her forgiveness. I'm not needing to restore a relationship but I am beginning a new one. In order for this new one to reach its full potential, I must know my closets are clean. If I want God's continuing grace where I am going, I will not bring the skeletons of my past along with me. I must lay them to rest and leave them right where they belong.
Part of doing that is realizing that so much of our lives are completely out of our control. We do make mistakes that cause chaos at times but when true tragedy happens, I believe we are victims of circumstance. It's not about the errors I made in marriage OR the things that he did wrong - it is the combination of our mistakes with our circumstances that led to the place we are now. It's about making peace with the past and not dwelling on it - even if you or someone else is partly to blame. Ann Voskamp summarizes this well:
You don’t get to make up most of your story. You get to make peace with it.
You don’t get to demand your life, like a given. You get to accept your life, like a gift.
Beginnings and middles, they are only yours to embrace, to unwrap like a gift.
But you get the endings. You always get the endings.
You get the endings and you get to make them a gift back to the Giver.
You get the endings and you get to make them a gift back to the Giver.
What is in the past has already been forgiven. What a gift! If I can accept that gift, then I should surely be able to pay it forward and let all that negativity stay where it belongs. The future is my opportunity to give back. The future is my opportunity to acknowledge that even bad things can lead to good and to be thankful that through that circumstance, I have been changed for the better. Ann also says:
You’ve only accepted Christ as your Lord without reservation — as much as you have accepted your life as a gift without regret.
It has always been my goal to live without regret. Today that is no different. However, today I have had the experiences of the past to help me live in ways that lead to prosperity and not demise.. We definitely learn from our mistakes - very expensive lessons at times. But they are valuable lessons that help us embrace our future, not just with confidence but with grace. Precious gifts...... yes gifts! Those things that left me with resentment...... are gifts. So as I for-give - I am learning that this process involves giving those things ~back~ to God first. Then we may pay it forward (a new way to think of for-giving; giving forward) - extending grace to those who have wronged us.
It's not just about extending that grace to the person who wronged us, but it's about the bigger picture of living victoriously - free from the burden of negativity - free to go forward and truly live!
The best is yet to be.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
When is enough, enough?
How long is long enough to overlook the ways someone is trying to take advantage of you? How long do you shrug something off, choose to look away or turn the other cheek. How long do you try to feel sorry for them, have mercy on them or even try to help them when all they do is continue to assume the worst, play mind games or even full-on insult you?
All is NOT fair in love and war.
I've had more than my share of fairness. And quite honestly, I can handle the abuse. However, it's when my children are put in the middle that I draw the line. They are innocent by-standers that should not have to endure the petty arguments of adults.
I've spent more than enough time trying to wrap my brain around a reasonable compromise in effort to keep the peace. I'm leaving that energy here in this blog tonight. No more! I wash my hands of it. It's pointless to try to do the right thing if you're only going to get stabbed in the back. Even worse if your children have to carry the knife!
And yet -- I simply cannot harbor this hurt, anger or disbelief. I choose to work through this conflict with forgiveness in mind. Why? Not because the Bible tells me so..... But because it's just dang good advice. The Bible is actually full of dang good advice. It's a mental health manual! I am letting go of negativity because it is best for ME. It has nothing to do with the other person but everything to do with my own well being. Sound selfish? Perhaps. But sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish in order to be selfless later on when it really matters.
So bring it Mr.Miserable! You may wish your worst nightmare on me but there's not a darn thing you can do to make that happen. I'm sorry life hasn't been kind to you but that doesn't mean you can spoil mine. I hope that you can some day see all the ways God wants to bless you if you will only take a moment to let Him - and quit trying to do life your way.
Mark 4:24-25
“Listen carefully to what I am saying—and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world on your own. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity. Stinginess impoverishes.”
All is NOT fair in love and war.
I've had more than my share of fairness. And quite honestly, I can handle the abuse. However, it's when my children are put in the middle that I draw the line. They are innocent by-standers that should not have to endure the petty arguments of adults.
I've spent more than enough time trying to wrap my brain around a reasonable compromise in effort to keep the peace. I'm leaving that energy here in this blog tonight. No more! I wash my hands of it. It's pointless to try to do the right thing if you're only going to get stabbed in the back. Even worse if your children have to carry the knife!
And yet -- I simply cannot harbor this hurt, anger or disbelief. I choose to work through this conflict with forgiveness in mind. Why? Not because the Bible tells me so..... But because it's just dang good advice. The Bible is actually full of dang good advice. It's a mental health manual! I am letting go of negativity because it is best for ME. It has nothing to do with the other person but everything to do with my own well being. Sound selfish? Perhaps. But sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish in order to be selfless later on when it really matters.
So bring it Mr.Miserable! You may wish your worst nightmare on me but there's not a darn thing you can do to make that happen. I'm sorry life hasn't been kind to you but that doesn't mean you can spoil mine. I hope that you can some day see all the ways God wants to bless you if you will only take a moment to let Him - and quit trying to do life your way.
Mark 4:24-25
“Listen carefully to what I am saying—and be wary of the shrewd advice that tells you how to get ahead in the world on your own. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity. Stinginess impoverishes.”
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Adversity Breeds Contentment?
I'm in a very contemplative mood today and feel fortunate to have the afternoon to myself. There are many changes on the horizon and perhaps I'm beginning to get a bit anxious about them. I'm starting to work myself up into a frenzy over things that I just have no control over. I really need to relax. The perfectionist tendencies of my youth are beginning to appear again and I have to keep reminding myself that perfection is a myth. Even if it were possible, it is pointless because nobody can relate to a perfect person and I don't want to be that girl.!
So perhaps the decisions I've made are good and perhaps some of them are not so good. That's life. Trial and error; live and learn. I've said before that mistakes are how we learn and I believe in that. Some of our trials are even outside our control, have nothing to do with our choices and give us a lesson or two in spite of our circumstances. I believe that is exactly how I came to this place I lovingly call contentment.
It's odd to me, how our biggest times of adversity can lead us to the most comfortable places in life. When things get so bad that we have no choice but to completely give up - that's not always a bad thing. I believe sometimes we run out of solutions for a reason. We can use our God given resources only to a point - and then we have to let the Expert take over. What is most interesting to me about that, is that when we finally give up control then we find ourselves on a journey we never would have imagined possible. Our dreams are so limited. We think we know what we want..... but actually have no idea. We think we know where we want to go - but when we try to get there, all we find are problems. When we give up, and let ourselves be led - the journey becomes so much more than we ever could have imagined.
I spent a great many years searching for contentment. It was something I felt I could find on my own. I did not need anyone's help - I just needed to do this, or that, or achieve this, or acquire that or make this new goal, or look for that dream. I wanted happily ever after but I did not believe in fairy tales. On top of all that discontentment, life just didn't make sense to me. I was never satisfied and always looking for more. I wanted to make sense of this crazy world and was frustrated by the fact that I could not understand my circumstances - nor could I fix them. So I went a bit rogue and just decided to turn my world and the world of those I love completely upside down.
And guess what? It hurt. A LOT. and perhaps at times, it still hurts. However, it took shaking things up to calm my spirit down. It took a complicated situation to realize that the only way to simplify life was to make some changes. It took ending complacency and replacing it with adversity to get to the place of contentment I so longed for. It was a risk but one that has paid off in the end.
Life still throws curve balls and always will. However contentment has been found. It's not about the trials life brings but about being comfortable when we are not in control. It's in knowing how much we are blessed even when horrible things happen. It's in understanding that we are true to ourselves even when others question our integrity. It's about giving up our worries and knowing that just as God has taken care of all our yesterdays, He will also get us through each and every tomorrow.
Do I still want for things? Of course - that's only human. However, I am now able to want but still have appreciation for what I've been given and know that if nothing else is ever given to me again, I'm living a a rich, full life that is only getting better with time. God wants us to have His best and I know that it is yet to be. I trust His timing in that but will enjoy each and every gift along the way - even those that may be disguised in adversity.
So perhaps the decisions I've made are good and perhaps some of them are not so good. That's life. Trial and error; live and learn. I've said before that mistakes are how we learn and I believe in that. Some of our trials are even outside our control, have nothing to do with our choices and give us a lesson or two in spite of our circumstances. I believe that is exactly how I came to this place I lovingly call contentment.
It's odd to me, how our biggest times of adversity can lead us to the most comfortable places in life. When things get so bad that we have no choice but to completely give up - that's not always a bad thing. I believe sometimes we run out of solutions for a reason. We can use our God given resources only to a point - and then we have to let the Expert take over. What is most interesting to me about that, is that when we finally give up control then we find ourselves on a journey we never would have imagined possible. Our dreams are so limited. We think we know what we want..... but actually have no idea. We think we know where we want to go - but when we try to get there, all we find are problems. When we give up, and let ourselves be led - the journey becomes so much more than we ever could have imagined.
I spent a great many years searching for contentment. It was something I felt I could find on my own. I did not need anyone's help - I just needed to do this, or that, or achieve this, or acquire that or make this new goal, or look for that dream. I wanted happily ever after but I did not believe in fairy tales. On top of all that discontentment, life just didn't make sense to me. I was never satisfied and always looking for more. I wanted to make sense of this crazy world and was frustrated by the fact that I could not understand my circumstances - nor could I fix them. So I went a bit rogue and just decided to turn my world and the world of those I love completely upside down.
And guess what? It hurt. A LOT. and perhaps at times, it still hurts. However, it took shaking things up to calm my spirit down. It took a complicated situation to realize that the only way to simplify life was to make some changes. It took ending complacency and replacing it with adversity to get to the place of contentment I so longed for. It was a risk but one that has paid off in the end.
Life still throws curve balls and always will. However contentment has been found. It's not about the trials life brings but about being comfortable when we are not in control. It's in knowing how much we are blessed even when horrible things happen. It's in understanding that we are true to ourselves even when others question our integrity. It's about giving up our worries and knowing that just as God has taken care of all our yesterdays, He will also get us through each and every tomorrow.
Do I still want for things? Of course - that's only human. However, I am now able to want but still have appreciation for what I've been given and know that if nothing else is ever given to me again, I'm living a a rich, full life that is only getting better with time. God wants us to have His best and I know that it is yet to be. I trust His timing in that but will enjoy each and every gift along the way - even those that may be disguised in adversity.
Friday, December 28, 2012
The Party's Over
Turn out the lights, the party's over.....
It was a good one, but I'm ready for some rest. The whole year has ended on a high note for me so I'm not at all complaining but I'm looking at the year ahead and starting to be on high alert for some major changes headed my way. In order to conquer what's coming, I need to rest up.
I'm not a big resolution maker but I do try to look at ways I can improve or things I can tweak in order to simplify life just a wee bit. This year I'm keeping it uncomplicated - I just want to be whole. My motto is the following verse:
People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing. (Isaiah 26:3-4)
There really isn't a scenario for which this doesn't apply. It's all about patience, perseverance and faith. I'm not going to act like it's always easy but the concept is simple - trust God. Relinquish control and let go of things that distract. When you finally realize how to do that, it is amazing how things actually fall right into place. I've had good practice over the last year and my aim is to keep at it - just like the verse says. I am the new Energizer bunny - I just don't quit! I know a sure thing when I see it.
It was a good one, but I'm ready for some rest. The whole year has ended on a high note for me so I'm not at all complaining but I'm looking at the year ahead and starting to be on high alert for some major changes headed my way. In order to conquer what's coming, I need to rest up.
I'm not a big resolution maker but I do try to look at ways I can improve or things I can tweak in order to simplify life just a wee bit. This year I'm keeping it uncomplicated - I just want to be whole. My motto is the following verse:
People with their minds set on you,
you keep completely whole,
Steady on their feet,
because they keep at it and don't quit.
Depend on God and keep at it
because in the Lord God you have a sure thing. (Isaiah 26:3-4)
There really isn't a scenario for which this doesn't apply. It's all about patience, perseverance and faith. I'm not going to act like it's always easy but the concept is simple - trust God. Relinquish control and let go of things that distract. When you finally realize how to do that, it is amazing how things actually fall right into place. I've had good practice over the last year and my aim is to keep at it - just like the verse says. I am the new Energizer bunny - I just don't quit! I know a sure thing when I see it.
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