I haven't written in awhile - not for lack of things to say but more because I have so many things running through my mind that I am having trouble categorizing my thoughts. Emotions are once again at high alert.
I think its no coincidence that the storms brewing on the east coast coincide with the clouds hovering over my thoughts.
Two job interviews and other 'possibilities' will raise hopes a bit - but when one opportunity is shattered and the other is looking ominous, the doubts begin to creep in.
Thing is, the old me would have just let the emotion rise and let common sense fly out the window. The old me would have let the fleshy side of me take over and handle it all. by. myself. That girl had to have control. That girl didn't know that dependence is a very good thing.
This girl -( though admittedly tried initially to revert back to old patterns )- has learned that hope should not be in earthly possibilites or people. When things are up in the air, my hope is also "up in the air" but not in the way that sounds. It has nothing to do with uncertainty but everything to do with trust. Life is not for me to handle on my own but for me to give to God and trust that He will take care of me and my future. This time around, when disappointment struck, I went to Him and gave control back. He knows my anxiety but He also knows my long term needs and desires. This time, instead of acting - I am letting Him do it.
Does it mean that the disappointment doesn't still sting? Not at all. I'm also feeling very defeated. But just as a storm eventually subsides, so will the pain of rejection. It's just my time to weather the storm and be ready to repair the damage it leaves behind.
And thankfully - the sun eventually comes out after a storm. Max Lucado (wow, he's good) said it well - "Christ lived the life we could not live and took the punishment we could not take to offer the hope we cannot resist." My hope is up in the air and that is where I will strive to keep it.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ----Jeremiah 29:11
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
"THAT" Guy
I am often disppointed in people. One of my biggest flaws is my tendency to project how I would handle a situation onto someone else.... It is my "golden rule" ethic that is a good thing for me but not so good when I expect others to think and feel like I do. I often have to step back and reprimand myself for unrealistic expectations. There is always more than one acceptable way to do something or interact with others. The problem here is that I am relying on people to meet my needs when in actuality it is just not their job.
So I was gently reminded this week of a promise:
and my God shall supply all your need, according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus; Phil 4:19
ALL my needs? If that is true, God is my ONLY need. He is THAT guy.... He is the one that never disappoints, always loves, literally moves Heaven and Earth - just. for. me.
So when I stop and consider all that life may throw at me, is God enough? That is really the only question I have when a tough sitution arises....
When my job is uncertain - Is God Enough?
When I have a falling out with a friend - Is God Enough?
When my child is sick and hurting - Is God Enough?
When my marriage fails - Is God Enough?
When someone dear to me experiences tragedy - Is God Enough?
When there are more bills than my bank balance - Is God Enough?
When my child hates me - Is God Enough?
When I battle my autoimmune disease -Is God Enough?
When I can't please my clients - Is God Enough?
When others don't recognize my value - Is God Enough?
When I feel completely alone - Is God Enough?
The answer is always a good solid - yes. Any worldly alternative is fleeting. There are no guarantees in this world but God is forever infinite and almighty. He has ALWAYS supplied my needs - most often without me asking and He is always there, even without me seeking.
Matthew 6:28-30
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
He is THAT guy and yes, He IS enough!
So I was gently reminded this week of a promise:
and my God shall supply all your need, according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus; Phil 4:19
ALL my needs? If that is true, God is my ONLY need. He is THAT guy.... He is the one that never disappoints, always loves, literally moves Heaven and Earth - just. for. me.
So when I stop and consider all that life may throw at me, is God enough? That is really the only question I have when a tough sitution arises....
When my job is uncertain - Is God Enough?
When I have a falling out with a friend - Is God Enough?
When my child is sick and hurting - Is God Enough?
When my marriage fails - Is God Enough?
When someone dear to me experiences tragedy - Is God Enough?
When there are more bills than my bank balance - Is God Enough?
When my child hates me - Is God Enough?
When I battle my autoimmune disease -Is God Enough?
When I can't please my clients - Is God Enough?
When others don't recognize my value - Is God Enough?
When I feel completely alone - Is God Enough?
The answer is always a good solid - yes. Any worldly alternative is fleeting. There are no guarantees in this world but God is forever infinite and almighty. He has ALWAYS supplied my needs - most often without me asking and He is always there, even without me seeking.
Matthew 6:28-30
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?
He is THAT guy and yes, He IS enough!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Rivers in the badlands
I am trying very hard to take in the scenery of this life journey I'm on and for the most part, I think that I have enjoyed each phase of my life. But I have to say the road I've traveled over the last year has been one of the most treacherous I've come across. I have been in what some refer to as the badlands or desert which is somewhat fitting considering a milestone birthday is fast approaching.
While sitting in the doctor's office, I overheard a 14 year old girl tell her 5 year old brother - "Don't ever grow up, stay a kid forever. The older you get, the harder life is." It took every bit of restraint that I had not to tell her how she had NO idea.... But obviously she gets it. Good for her! Maybe that awareness will help her prepare for the battles that lie ahead in her future. I almost wish I had adopted that attitude in my youth. But then, probably nothing could have prepared me for the direction my life has taken. Rose colored glasses are nice, but when reality slaps you in the face, you find those rose colored glasses did nothing but skew the vision.
However, God uses our attitudes to His advantage no matter what the situation. My rose colored glasses were shattered long ago and would have been no good in the desert. My soul is now parched and I long for living water. How tempting it is to try to turn around and go back - but I'm afraid that is just not possible. The verses I'm finding around every corner in my search for water tell me not to look back but to keep going forward. The water is starting to trickle in... My tears have become the aquifer for my river in the badlands. And through those tears I'm beginning to see that it is precisely that river forming that will lead me out of the desert and to something brand new.
Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43.18-19
When we find ourselves in the desert, we are often there alone - or so it feels. That is the time that its easiest to reach out to God. He wants that from us, craves that from us. Those are the times we see just one set of footprints in the sand because He carries us through. He carries us till He makes that road or creates that river to help us find our own way out. Max Lucado said it best in Facing Your Giants - You'll never know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.. Its hard to understand why it takes a tragedy to bring us to Him, but sometimes that is the only way He gets our attention. These times of trial are a blessing waiting to happen. Which always brings me back to Isaiah 55:8 - For My Thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are My ways your ways declares the Lord. I for one am grateful for that because my ways tend to lead me back to the desert and I don't think I really want to visit the badlands EVER again.
While sitting in the doctor's office, I overheard a 14 year old girl tell her 5 year old brother - "Don't ever grow up, stay a kid forever. The older you get, the harder life is." It took every bit of restraint that I had not to tell her how she had NO idea.... But obviously she gets it. Good for her! Maybe that awareness will help her prepare for the battles that lie ahead in her future. I almost wish I had adopted that attitude in my youth. But then, probably nothing could have prepared me for the direction my life has taken. Rose colored glasses are nice, but when reality slaps you in the face, you find those rose colored glasses did nothing but skew the vision.
However, God uses our attitudes to His advantage no matter what the situation. My rose colored glasses were shattered long ago and would have been no good in the desert. My soul is now parched and I long for living water. How tempting it is to try to turn around and go back - but I'm afraid that is just not possible. The verses I'm finding around every corner in my search for water tell me not to look back but to keep going forward. The water is starting to trickle in... My tears have become the aquifer for my river in the badlands. And through those tears I'm beginning to see that it is precisely that river forming that will lead me out of the desert and to something brand new.
Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. Isaiah 43.18-19
When we find ourselves in the desert, we are often there alone - or so it feels. That is the time that its easiest to reach out to God. He wants that from us, craves that from us. Those are the times we see just one set of footprints in the sand because He carries us through. He carries us till He makes that road or creates that river to help us find our own way out. Max Lucado said it best in Facing Your Giants - You'll never know that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.. Its hard to understand why it takes a tragedy to bring us to Him, but sometimes that is the only way He gets our attention. These times of trial are a blessing waiting to happen. Which always brings me back to Isaiah 55:8 - For My Thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are My ways your ways declares the Lord. I for one am grateful for that because my ways tend to lead me back to the desert and I don't think I really want to visit the badlands EVER again.
Friday, July 29, 2011
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
Why do bad things happen to good people? This has been asked by all and is one I'm sure God gets tired of us asking. It's almost like the cries of our impatient children when we are on road trip - "Are we there yet?" Just like the parent who is driving knows his destination, God knows why. Just as the child needs to trust the parent to get them there in time, we should trust God's reason is valid. We don't need to know why, we just need to trust in Him.
Easy to say, not so easy to do. When hard times hit, we never understand why. Sometimes we never get to know why. But often, over time, God reveals to us ways to learn from the tragedy we've faced or brings to light good things that have come from it. Job 12:13 says "True wisdom and real power belong to God; from Him we learn how to live and also what to live for."
I know that when I am upset or hurting over something in my life, I often act out in ways I should not. It's easy to try to blame God or someone else for our pain. It's natural to play the victim and feel abandoned. Even Job, who was considered a good man began to feel sorry for himself and felt like God had left him. And Job had friends who had no idea how to comfort or give Godly perspective. They fueled his fire. But there was one friend who gently reminded Job of God's incomprehensible power and purpose. Then Job realized where he had gone wrong in his suffering and confessed. God forgave of course, but He also provided. When Job finally humbled himself enough to rest in divine peace, God began to bless him again. God restored his wealth and family to prosperity like he had never known before.
No matter whether our bad things that happen are small or whether they are bigger than mountains, God understands our pain and knows we will act out. He expects it. But He also provides opportunities for us to recognize what we are doing and run back to Him. When we do that and give Him our pain and struggle, He uses our experience to shape and mold us and those around us according to His plan and purpose. We don't know His plans but if we trust Him, He will richly bless our lives.
So,difficult as it may be, I am choosing to be thankful for my times of adversity. This is what is shaping me into the person God wants me to be. It's more difficult when I see my loved ones go through strife, but I hope that I can be the friend who encourages and gently reminds of God's ever loving power. I *do* trust Him.... He is always there and always ready to catch me when I fall.
"Do you have any idea how powerful God is? Have you ever heard of a teacher like him? Has anyone ever had to tell him what to do, or correct him, saying, 'You did that all wrong!'? Remember, then, to praise his workmanship, which is so often celebrated in song. http://bible.us/Job36.22.MSG
Easy to say, not so easy to do. When hard times hit, we never understand why. Sometimes we never get to know why. But often, over time, God reveals to us ways to learn from the tragedy we've faced or brings to light good things that have come from it. Job 12:13 says "True wisdom and real power belong to God; from Him we learn how to live and also what to live for."
I know that when I am upset or hurting over something in my life, I often act out in ways I should not. It's easy to try to blame God or someone else for our pain. It's natural to play the victim and feel abandoned. Even Job, who was considered a good man began to feel sorry for himself and felt like God had left him. And Job had friends who had no idea how to comfort or give Godly perspective. They fueled his fire. But there was one friend who gently reminded Job of God's incomprehensible power and purpose. Then Job realized where he had gone wrong in his suffering and confessed. God forgave of course, but He also provided. When Job finally humbled himself enough to rest in divine peace, God began to bless him again. God restored his wealth and family to prosperity like he had never known before.
No matter whether our bad things that happen are small or whether they are bigger than mountains, God understands our pain and knows we will act out. He expects it. But He also provides opportunities for us to recognize what we are doing and run back to Him. When we do that and give Him our pain and struggle, He uses our experience to shape and mold us and those around us according to His plan and purpose. We don't know His plans but if we trust Him, He will richly bless our lives.
So,difficult as it may be, I am choosing to be thankful for my times of adversity. This is what is shaping me into the person God wants me to be. It's more difficult when I see my loved ones go through strife, but I hope that I can be the friend who encourages and gently reminds of God's ever loving power. I *do* trust Him.... He is always there and always ready to catch me when I fall.
"Do you have any idea how powerful God is? Have you ever heard of a teacher like him? Has anyone ever had to tell him what to do, or correct him, saying, 'You did that all wrong!'? Remember, then, to praise his workmanship, which is so often celebrated in song. http://bible.us/Job36.22.MSG
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Weak
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness ~2 Corinthians 12:9a
Weakness comes in many forms. We have weak bodies, weak minds, moments of weakness, weak attitudes, weak paychecks....and the list goes on. It is generally seen as a negative. Nobody wants to appear weak. We are often told "Be strong" - but really... is that really what we want? I know many fake it. Fake it till you make it. But I think I'm having none of that. I can't fake it any more and I don't want to. I want reality and I want it even if it slaps me around sometimes.
If the above verse is as it reads.... we experience God's power when we are weak. When you think of all the miracles Jesus performed, that kinda backs up the verse. The disciples witnessed God's power, yes but only when they were weak did they experience it. Those who experienced it were the ones who were formerly weak - the blind, the ill, the lame, the poor and the ones like me with personal demons that haunted them. We may not see God's power in front of our eyes today as we did in Bible stories, but it is still alive and well. It is in the gift of His grace. That gift is there - beautifully wrapped and waiting for us to open and receive. We don't really even have to ask, just accept.
Micca Campbell said it well when she said this:
The world's philosophy says what can't be cured must be endured. But actually what can't be cured makes us dependent on the power of God. In that dependency His power is given and we are made strong. I've come to learn this truth myself. God doesn't always remove me from my painful circumstances, but He supports me in them. This strengthens me like none other.
So for now, I choose weakness. I can't fake it anyway and I'd much rather gain strength in God rather than doing it all myself. He wants to carry my burdens for me. I think I will let Him do that until He gives me the strength to bear them myself.
Weakness comes in many forms. We have weak bodies, weak minds, moments of weakness, weak attitudes, weak paychecks....and the list goes on. It is generally seen as a negative. Nobody wants to appear weak. We are often told "Be strong" - but really... is that really what we want? I know many fake it. Fake it till you make it. But I think I'm having none of that. I can't fake it any more and I don't want to. I want reality and I want it even if it slaps me around sometimes.
If the above verse is as it reads.... we experience God's power when we are weak. When you think of all the miracles Jesus performed, that kinda backs up the verse. The disciples witnessed God's power, yes but only when they were weak did they experience it. Those who experienced it were the ones who were formerly weak - the blind, the ill, the lame, the poor and the ones like me with personal demons that haunted them. We may not see God's power in front of our eyes today as we did in Bible stories, but it is still alive and well. It is in the gift of His grace. That gift is there - beautifully wrapped and waiting for us to open and receive. We don't really even have to ask, just accept.
Micca Campbell said it well when she said this:
The world's philosophy says what can't be cured must be endured. But actually what can't be cured makes us dependent on the power of God. In that dependency His power is given and we are made strong. I've come to learn this truth myself. God doesn't always remove me from my painful circumstances, but He supports me in them. This strengthens me like none other.
So for now, I choose weakness. I can't fake it anyway and I'd much rather gain strength in God rather than doing it all myself. He wants to carry my burdens for me. I think I will let Him do that until He gives me the strength to bear them myself.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tears from Heaven
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
and don't go back until they've watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They'll do the work I sent them to do,
they'll complete the assignment I gave them. (Isaiah 55:10-11)
Last summer I had two flower pots by my front door filled with the most beautiful, vibrant red geraniums. They were dutifully watered and cared for but still began to wilt and lose color. Upon further inspection I began to realize the pots did not have holes so the water could leak out. I loved the pots and did not want to have to replant the flowers so holes were drilled into the bottom so the excess could drain away. It was only a few days before the flowers perked up and regained their vibrant hue once more.
After thinking about this and reading the scripture above, I have begun to realize that I was filling up with water and had no holes for far too long. God loves the vessel that is me and has a purpose for me right where I am. He saw me wilting and losing my color, so I think he placed this huge hole in my heart so that the excess fluid would drain away. That is where I am now. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have the last few weeks of my life. I'm still in the draining process. My tears are to my soul as the rain from heaven is to the earth. My tears are helping me grow and blossom, producing seeds of experience providing the food of wisdom for those I may interact with in the future. Just as God has a purpose for the rain, He has a purpose for these tears.
I long to have the full, rich, vibrant blooms of a healthy flower. So for now, I will embrace these tears and trust God to drain the unhealthy buildup out of my heart.
and don't go back until they've watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They'll do the work I sent them to do,
they'll complete the assignment I gave them. (Isaiah 55:10-11)
Last summer I had two flower pots by my front door filled with the most beautiful, vibrant red geraniums. They were dutifully watered and cared for but still began to wilt and lose color. Upon further inspection I began to realize the pots did not have holes so the water could leak out. I loved the pots and did not want to have to replant the flowers so holes were drilled into the bottom so the excess could drain away. It was only a few days before the flowers perked up and regained their vibrant hue once more.
After thinking about this and reading the scripture above, I have begun to realize that I was filling up with water and had no holes for far too long. God loves the vessel that is me and has a purpose for me right where I am. He saw me wilting and losing my color, so I think he placed this huge hole in my heart so that the excess fluid would drain away. That is where I am now. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have the last few weeks of my life. I'm still in the draining process. My tears are to my soul as the rain from heaven is to the earth. My tears are helping me grow and blossom, producing seeds of experience providing the food of wisdom for those I may interact with in the future. Just as God has a purpose for the rain, He has a purpose for these tears.
I long to have the full, rich, vibrant blooms of a healthy flower. So for now, I will embrace these tears and trust God to drain the unhealthy buildup out of my heart.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Air
I came across an old favorite of mine tonight. No, I don't listen to classical music often but the song Air by Bach was randomly packaged on my new tablet device. As I listened I began to realize that this is a beautiful work of art that I have been in love with since my youth. I had simply forgotten just how moving it really is.
Then, as I listened, I began to mourn again. This time, however, that mourning took on a whole new meaning. Just as that song is treasured in my heart, so will be my love of 21 years.
Once upon a time, I played that song on horn and I played it so well that I got a perfect rating at contest. How and why was I able to play it so well? Because I felt it with all my heart. Now I know those feelings are not gone but i neglected to nurture them and hence lost the passion I once had for this kind of music. I neglected to practice and work because I got burned out and then made room for other things in my life.
To hear it again is bittersweet.
I see now that is what has happened in my marriage. Not just on my side, but his as well. The music will forever be with us as will be the sentiment, but we have moved in different directions. We will continue to cross paths but will have forgotten the melody. However, there will be times when the song plays randomly and loudly in our hearts. And I know that when that happens I will not be able to resist savoring every note.
Our marriage was made of sweet music. It just got overplayed. I will never regret the practice time for it gave me a gift I will have forever. Likely it will never get played again, but that doesn't mean that I won't listen often and hum along.
Then, as I listened, I began to mourn again. This time, however, that mourning took on a whole new meaning. Just as that song is treasured in my heart, so will be my love of 21 years.
Once upon a time, I played that song on horn and I played it so well that I got a perfect rating at contest. How and why was I able to play it so well? Because I felt it with all my heart. Now I know those feelings are not gone but i neglected to nurture them and hence lost the passion I once had for this kind of music. I neglected to practice and work because I got burned out and then made room for other things in my life.
To hear it again is bittersweet.
I see now that is what has happened in my marriage. Not just on my side, but his as well. The music will forever be with us as will be the sentiment, but we have moved in different directions. We will continue to cross paths but will have forgotten the melody. However, there will be times when the song plays randomly and loudly in our hearts. And I know that when that happens I will not be able to resist savoring every note.
Our marriage was made of sweet music. It just got overplayed. I will never regret the practice time for it gave me a gift I will have forever. Likely it will never get played again, but that doesn't mean that I won't listen often and hum along.
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