The Right Choice

Just got back from church and had to write down this little snippet from Terry's sermon:

Sometimes its not about making the right choice.  Its about making the choice right.

Oh how that rang true to me this morning!

I made a choice this week and I've wrestled and wrestled over whether it was the right one or not.  I admitted to someone a sin I had committed against them.  It was one of which I was very ashamed and had sworn I would never own up to.  However, I wanted my relationship with this person to be right again and I had been stewing and fretting so much over a lie they had told me that I begin to realize that I needed to get the log out of my own eye before I criticized the speck in their eye.

It was disastrous!  It not only caused more division between us but also caused that person to wrongfully assume other bad things about me.  I first regretted coming clean.  But the longer I carry that regret, the more clearly I see that it is not my fault that it snowballed like it did.  My motive was pure:  to restore a relationship.  I can't help what happens from here.  I made the choice right and in the end it means I made the right choice.

By saying I made the choice right, I am saying that it was not an impulsive, off the cuff decision.  It was made prayerfully and over time.  It was in honor of my commitment to love and was in effort to end the ways I have failed at love.  From 1 Corinthians 13 - The Message 

LOVE:
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. 

As I continue on in the love assignment I've given myself, I find that the more ways I intentionally love those who are sometimes hard to love, I realize that this in turn releases me from anger, regret, guilt and condemnation.  I know where my heart is.  What they choose to believe is between them and God.

And when someone continually sees the worst in you, sometimes love means letting them go.  In order to truly love, we must love ourselves first.

Giving Up

Today I surrender..  I quit.  I give up.  No more will I try it this way.

But not in the way you're thinking.....

You see, I have this issue that I've tried to fix for years and years and years.  I've been spinning my wheels trying to find the answer to fix my problem.  I've prayed, I've cried, I've done everything my feeble little mind could think of - and it somehow occurred to me today that I have been my own worst enemy.  In the process I destroyed my sense of self, I destroyed my relationship with God and I destroyed my family.

Of course it was unintentional!  It was simply a mistake - a very understandable one given the circumstances.  But just because something is understandable or reasonable, does not make it right!

I have tried to fix everything that was wrong in my life all. by. myself.

I do not have the knowledge, experience or capacity to do this.  I have let pride, blame, pity, selfishness, rebellion, worry, injustice, excuses, harsh words and ungodly thoughts completely devastate my world.  I see it now for what it is.

Does it mean I am a bad person?  NO.  I am a regular gal, living a regular life doing things that seem understandable or reasonable or even sensible.....  but again that does not mean they were right.

So today, I lay aside reason, understanding and sensibility and I give up.  My efforts have been pointless.  It's time to own up and give up.  This issue rests here, with God.  My hope, faith and future are all in His hands.

He will restore what I've lost.....in His way, in His time.  For now, I'm thankful for correctable errors and clean slates.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that god corrects; a father's delight is behind all this.6 Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.   (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Clarity.

 Those people are on a dark spiral downward. But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done.  (Romans 2:1-2)

I was very harsh with someone last week.  This week I see why....  I am my own pompous ass.  I refused to see my own faults and instead focused on what I felt to be sins against me. 

19 years ago marked the happiest day of my life.  What happened?  I became blind.  Blind to my own faults and failures but quick to find this in others.  My heart was hardened - not because of the injustices done to me but by my own inability to see beyond myself.  As this has been a year of healing - or so I thought - it was only the beginning.  It may take me 19 more years to restore what I damaged.  However I know the right course now and God has promised that if I stay the course, my suffering will not be in vain.

Because you got a double dose of trouble
   and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled
   and your joy go on forever. (Isaiah 61:7)

Perhaps I've had confusion for over a year now, but clarity has come clearly - stabbing at me with hurling pain.  It's a good pain - the pain of growth, birthing pains to something new.  I just hope to see restoration of those things I wrongfully killed before.

Pushing through the Pain

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.” ~Paul Coelho


“Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself.” ~Havelock Ellis


“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” ~Robert Gary Lee


“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain.” ~ Saint Bartholomew


“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain” ~William Faulkner


“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.” ~Sophocles


“When thought becomes excessively painful, action is the finest remedy” ~Salman Rushdie


WOW!  I could keep going on these pain quotes..... the list is endless.  As I have been taking inventory of all my jumbled up emotion lately, I began to realize that it is all a form of pain.  I've suffered long enough!


I didn't realize earlier this week that when I decided to replace the passion of anger with the passion of love that it was actually a remedy to take care of the pain in my life.  It just seemed like the only thing I hadn't tried.  These quotes have confirmed to me that I am on the right course.


When I explained to a friend what action I have decided to take regarding the intense emotion I've been feeling, she was concerned.  When I told her how I was going to love - deliberately and intentionally the person who has hurt me most - she remarked "It's going to hurt."  I agreed and told her I was aware of that but that I'm not afraid of hurting.  It was hard for me to verbalize why - although snippets from some of the quotes above were running through my mind.  You see - I believe that after one has dealt with pain, they then develop a tolerance or strength over it.  I particularly love Saint Bartholomew's quote.....  we all tend to try to avoid pain but that is actually pointless.  We can't avoid pain - it just happens.  We can try to ignore it or stuff it away but eventually it surfaces.  Once we deal with it, we become stronger.   What we don't realize when we are in pain, is that once we get through it, we come out ahead - and we begin to feel all that we are beyond the pain and experience the wisdom that comes with that.


The last two quotes above will keep me focused over the next few months while I love intentionally and deliberately - choosing to take action.  Choosing to love - not look for love but actually do the loving - without expectation, without assumption and without looking back.  Sometimes the pain will seep back in and I will fail and falter just a bit - but I will then embrace the pain, feel every ounce of it and heal.

By loving him, I in turn love myself and become more aware of who I am.  No matter the outcome, I gain victory in more ways than one.

Love and War

My week has had two very vivid themes going: Anger and Love.  Nary the two should mix, right?  However..... I'm learning that the two emotions are very similar and actually feed off one another in many ways.  Thing is, if you let one overpower the other - there will be a death.  If you choose to feed the anger, love will die.  BUT if you choose to feed the love, the anger will die!  If you linger in the state of balancing the two - feeding them both - keeping them strong - they become toxic to your system and eventually YOU will die.

I'm really beginning to understand how the concept of being luke warm angers God.  When we are luke warm, we have no passion.  Passion feeds action!  Anger and love are both passions of the heart.  Anger can be healthy to a degree but if we let it fester, it becomes the root of bitterness and resentment.  Love however, is never unhealthy - not ever!  Love is the purest, most powerful weapon we have against many ailments of the heart.

I'm not just talking about love - the emotion.  The noun form of the word is the sappy, love story aspect of it. It's all nice and good, but it often isn't real.  The only way love is real is if it becomes a conscious, intentional effort.  The world gets us all wrapped up in the emotion of love, but often glazes over the importance of the verb form.....  the ACTION of LOVE.

We may think love comes easy to us.  I often say "I love LOVE"....  and I do - but what I'm referring to there are sappy love stories and love songs and the feeling of being in love.  That does come easy - who doesn't want to feel the love?!?

But how many of us are really ready to give love?   You may think you have love to give - but that's only when thinking about the feeling aspect of it.  How easy is it it love someone when part of you really just wants to hate them?  How easy is it to love someone when all you are feeling from them is indifference?  How easy is it to love someone when you feel that they no longer love you back?

Well - I, my friends, can tell you from experience that it's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.  But because God says to love.....  I am going to do what He says.  Because God said I can fix this problem for you but I need your help - then I will love.  One of His greatest commandments is love....  not to feel the love but to GIVE the love.  Will my love be returned?  I have no idea.  That is beside the point.  I know that if I do what God says, He will fix this pattern of limbo I've been in.  He will bring me out of the desert and into His promised land if I will put a conscious effort and true focus into loving my person.

It is a battle....  there are weapons of self doubt being thrown from every direction.  I battle my own will at times.  I battle worldly influences - both influences to myself and influences to one I love.  But I know I'm worth it and more importantly, I know he's worth it.  So my praying peeps, if you believe in love the verb - pray me through this.  You are part of my armor, along with faith, hope, and scripture.  I am fighting to the death....  the death of anger, bitterness and resentment so that only three remain - faith, hope and love.

Passion Unleashed

"I'd rather you hate me than be indifferent about me - at least there's passion in that".

I said those very words to someone 2 days ago.  And I meant every word.  It doesn't matter to me what that person does with those words.  What matters is what I do with them.  Perhaps hate is a strong word - but it's also a strong feeling.  The same is true of love.

I have tried indifference.  It works well for some people in my lives but for others it's simply impossible.  I can't help the passion that runs through my veins when I feel something intensely about someone.  However, I can channel that passion into something good.  Someone I'm extremely passionate about has hurt me and continues to try to hurt me.  The relationship between us is over and I know it's for the best.

However, I haven't known what to do with all that leftover passion.  I can't simply transfer it to another person - my heart doesn't work that way.  So I have chosen the only other thing I know to do..... unleash it!  I'm letting it go - letting it flow freely - and letting it be channeled at the one it was intended for.  I'm doing this with no cap or filter until I have nothing left.  I have been building walls, trying to hold it in - but that isn't working....  instead it is smothering me.  If I keep it in, it may very well kill me and I'm not about to let that happen.

So....  I'm letting out this reserved love and letting it flow freely into the air. When it is gone, there will be no more but it will be replaced with something new, something healthy, something real. 

Grumble grumble

I know the majority of my blog posts are lessons I've learned or am in the process of learning - but sometimes the lesson is difficult to find.  Sometimes life throws so many daggers at you that you just can't dodge them all and you end up getting hit.....right through the heart.  

I've been tip toeing along so carefully - deliberately planting each step in my journey....  seeking direction and wisdom when all of a sudden the forest got deep and dark and scary.  And right now - all I want to do is step into a cave and hide. 

And then verses like the following hit me on the head:

“Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

I can look for things to be thankful for all day long.....  and I find them and I AM truly thankful.  However, being cheerful in the midst of a deep, dark, cold forest is beyond me.  I am not cheerful lately.  I feel persecuted, misunderstood and misled.   AND....  I know its NOT from God.  Honestly though - I am running out of fight.  I am weary, worn and beat down.

This is when I let God pick me up and carry me right?  All I can hope is that He really is doing this.  I do trust Him and I do know that he will use this time in my life for a reason - even if my feelings are not from Him.  He can still take my bad stuff and mix it, mold it  - make it into something beautiful.... someday....  in His time.  For now, I hope to remain moldable and not get hard and rigid.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way! Thou art the Potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after Thy will, While I am waiting, yielded and still.