Yesterday was emotional day like none other. I can't really explain why. There are many reasons for it but why it hit yesterday, I have no idea. At the time, it was pretty unbearable but I'm still here breathing today so I guess I got through it. I feel sorta like my fever just broke and that relief is on its way.
Emotions are so puzzling to me. I stifled them for so long that they have to come up and slap me around from time to time I guess. I'm not going to fear them anymore - but try to embrace them. They are what makes us human. They enable us to love, and learn, and communicate. I want to feel every ounce of anger, every last tear, and every big thick belly laugh that comes along.
What I have to work on is my faith. I let doubt cloud every ounce of me yesterday. I cried out to God but then didn't listen for His calming presence.
It reminded me of stray cats I see in the neighborhood (yes - I have just a small bit of crazy cat woman in me). They look lonely, hungry even desperate at times. I try to be the cat whisperer and get them to trust me. I provide for them sometimes by setting food out but they just keep running away. Sometimes I have the thought - If only I could turn myself into a cat for awhile - to be able to communicate to them, on their level that my yard is a safe haven - that they can trust me and find peace and rest here. That is exactly what God did for us when He sent His son to live here on earth. He sees us struggling. He sees us hungry. He sees us searching for peace. He sent His son to communicate to us that He is our safe haven - our resting place. If only we will listen and accept His gift.
I may have run out into the alley yesterday, but I eventually made my way back. Today I rest in His most generous gift of love. (and I have a massage appointment after work - woohoo!)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Kitty Christmas
So I pulled out the Christmas tree yesterday and got it put up minus the ornaments. I'm letting the kids do that tonight. I'll watch them and hope for laughter without the lump in my throat or in the pit of my stomach knowing this is the first Christmas that our family has taken such a different path. I never knew how painful holidays can be when you are alone. It give me new perspective and empathy for those who have lost loved ones this year (no matter what the circumstances). However, in an odd way, the Christmas tree gives hope. Even as a little girl, I loved sitting in the dark with only the tree lights on daydreaming of what would await me on Christmas morning. As I got older, my dreams expanded past Christmas and I would think about my life ahead of me and be full of hope for the plans God had for me. I'm trying very hard to see past the bittersweet side of this and know that I still have that hope and know that Christmas this year is going to be wonderful even if I'm alone because I've got so many people that love me.
So on to the kitty side of this. The reason I came to this conclusion this morning is because of Ruby the cat. She is so funny. When Anna was little she had these two small stuffed kittens (about the size of real kittens) and Ruby immediately adopted them. No lie - she carries them around the house by the scuff of their neck just like a mama cat would. She even talks kitty talk to them (if you've ever known a mama cat, they have a really different, strange language for their kittens). She usually does this at night when we are all in bed. Most often I can hear her coming down the hall, chatting her kitten language with the kitten in her mouth and she then brings the kitten to my room for the night. I heard her last night but this time she was in the living room and did not come into my room. She was talking way more than usual but I dismissed it and rolled over to sleep.
This morning was normal and I went through the motions packing kids lunches and getting ready for work. After the kids left, I glanced at the tree. Underneath it was a "sleeping" stuffed kitten. I know it's odd but it so touched my heart. I know Ruby is a cat and has no real reasoning ability but I can't help but think she is excited about Christmas too. I can't help but think that Ruby brought her baby to the tree to show her its Christmas! Look! Presents are coming! Or else she has sensed my sadness lately and brought her baby there as a gift to me. Nevertheless, it made me see that no matter what life brings, no matter what trials we face, there is always Christmas! It's about love and hope! God wants us to know how much He loves us and wants us to see how much hope he brings. ALL things are possible through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.
The tree is up and even with the knot in my stomach I know He's got this. He's never let me down and never will.
So on to the kitty side of this. The reason I came to this conclusion this morning is because of Ruby the cat. She is so funny. When Anna was little she had these two small stuffed kittens (about the size of real kittens) and Ruby immediately adopted them. No lie - she carries them around the house by the scuff of their neck just like a mama cat would. She even talks kitty talk to them (if you've ever known a mama cat, they have a really different, strange language for their kittens). She usually does this at night when we are all in bed. Most often I can hear her coming down the hall, chatting her kitten language with the kitten in her mouth and she then brings the kitten to my room for the night. I heard her last night but this time she was in the living room and did not come into my room. She was talking way more than usual but I dismissed it and rolled over to sleep.
This morning was normal and I went through the motions packing kids lunches and getting ready for work. After the kids left, I glanced at the tree. Underneath it was a "sleeping" stuffed kitten. I know it's odd but it so touched my heart. I know Ruby is a cat and has no real reasoning ability but I can't help but think she is excited about Christmas too. I can't help but think that Ruby brought her baby to the tree to show her its Christmas! Look! Presents are coming! Or else she has sensed my sadness lately and brought her baby there as a gift to me. Nevertheless, it made me see that no matter what life brings, no matter what trials we face, there is always Christmas! It's about love and hope! God wants us to know how much He loves us and wants us to see how much hope he brings. ALL things are possible through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.
The tree is up and even with the knot in my stomach I know He's got this. He's never let me down and never will.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Warning: Do not read unless you are really into me.
This is MY blog. It is not just written for me, but about me. It's my method of self discovery - my way of working out my thoughts into logical, orderly explanation. There have been two observations from others about me lately that I have wanted to really sink my teeth into but they are both questions that require a great deal of thought.
From my ex: I'm not sure you can ever be happy.
From my mom: You are always looking for perfection. When will you realize there is no such thing?
This - from the two people who know me best in the world. I must entertain these thoughts. But.... I feel I must also explain them.
First of all for the first question I believe my basic temperament explains this. I am a melancholy personality and the following description rings true (except for the keeping everything in order part - an even though I don't follow through with this, in a perfect world an organized, orderly household would help me be incredibly at peace). Here is the lineup of my personality:
Scary how accurate this description is! And honestly I would have to say that I can see where my ex would think that happiness eludes me. Thing is, to say I can't ever be happy is very unfair - especially coming from him. He has seen my happiness more than anyone else in this world. If its not enough for him then he needs to take note that melancholy personalities are to be avoided. To me, when I read the strengths of the melancholy - they definitely outweigh the weaknesses. To me, when a melancholy is happy, it's a true meaningful happy and definitely not some fake, pretend false pretense. I liken it to when a cat shows love. You know cats don't do something unless they mean it so when they love you its real. Melancholy personalities are the same!
As for perfection (the concern of my mother) - it appears that this is also a personality trait. I have definitely gotten much better over the years at not needing to be perfect in everything I do. I have learned to embrace my flaws and mistakes and see them as ways I learn, tools of refinement, beauty marks if you will. I definitely no longer expect perfection in others! Where I do seek perfection is where I know something can be improved. When I see that something or someone is not working to their full potential. It is out of concern that I try to encourage better ways of doing things or even demand more effort. Perhaps my discontentment has shown up in seeking a better house, different car, new clothes, etc. but that really isn't a search for perfection. It just a vision of betterment. I believe God has humbled me so much over the last year however, that material things have lessened in importance to me. My experience with wealth (be it ever so limited) is that money will not solve problems or even lessen them and actually ends up creating entirely different issues in a lot of cases. We can get so wrapped in in what money allows us to do that we lose sight of the important things that need our attention. The things that are free. The things that are simply there wanting us to love them, wanting to love us back.
I can't change my personality type. This is who I am. Perhaps it may appear that I have difficulty with contentment. I will agree. I am a work in progress and I do see progress. But I also see no problem in not being content with what we have at the moment and knowing that there is more. In fact, I think that's human nature and not just a weakness of the melancholy. Once more the lyrics to Blessings by Laura Story help me feel ok about this weakness of mine.....
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
We all struggle with discontentment at times. It's because this world is not our home. We have an unexplained longing for more because deep down we know there is more - we just don't always know how to find it. The answer is that we will NEVER find it here on earth. Only our Heavenly Father can supply it. He doesn't want us to be content with this world. Our contentment should be in Him.
From my ex: I'm not sure you can ever be happy.
From my mom: You are always looking for perfection. When will you realize there is no such thing?
This - from the two people who know me best in the world. I must entertain these thoughts. But.... I feel I must also explain them.
First of all for the first question I believe my basic temperament explains this. I am a melancholy personality and the following description rings true (except for the keeping everything in order part - an even though I don't follow through with this, in a perfect world an organized, orderly household would help me be incredibly at peace). Here is the lineup of my personality:
Personality Strengths of the Melancholy
Deep and thoughtful
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
As a parent, sets high standards and wants everything done right.
As a homemaker, keeps everything in order.
As an employee, schedule oriented and hard working.
A list maker and keeper.
Personality Weaknesses of the Meloncholy
Easily offended
Can get too caught up in details
Doesn't do well with change.
Struggles with insecurity
Tends towards depression
Scary how accurate this description is! And honestly I would have to say that I can see where my ex would think that happiness eludes me. Thing is, to say I can't ever be happy is very unfair - especially coming from him. He has seen my happiness more than anyone else in this world. If its not enough for him then he needs to take note that melancholy personalities are to be avoided. To me, when I read the strengths of the melancholy - they definitely outweigh the weaknesses. To me, when a melancholy is happy, it's a true meaningful happy and definitely not some fake, pretend false pretense. I liken it to when a cat shows love. You know cats don't do something unless they mean it so when they love you its real. Melancholy personalities are the same!
As for perfection (the concern of my mother) - it appears that this is also a personality trait. I have definitely gotten much better over the years at not needing to be perfect in everything I do. I have learned to embrace my flaws and mistakes and see them as ways I learn, tools of refinement, beauty marks if you will. I definitely no longer expect perfection in others! Where I do seek perfection is where I know something can be improved. When I see that something or someone is not working to their full potential. It is out of concern that I try to encourage better ways of doing things or even demand more effort. Perhaps my discontentment has shown up in seeking a better house, different car, new clothes, etc. but that really isn't a search for perfection. It just a vision of betterment. I believe God has humbled me so much over the last year however, that material things have lessened in importance to me. My experience with wealth (be it ever so limited) is that money will not solve problems or even lessen them and actually ends up creating entirely different issues in a lot of cases. We can get so wrapped in in what money allows us to do that we lose sight of the important things that need our attention. The things that are free. The things that are simply there wanting us to love them, wanting to love us back.
I can't change my personality type. This is who I am. Perhaps it may appear that I have difficulty with contentment. I will agree. I am a work in progress and I do see progress. But I also see no problem in not being content with what we have at the moment and knowing that there is more. In fact, I think that's human nature and not just a weakness of the melancholy. Once more the lyrics to Blessings by Laura Story help me feel ok about this weakness of mine.....
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
We all struggle with discontentment at times. It's because this world is not our home. We have an unexplained longing for more because deep down we know there is more - we just don't always know how to find it. The answer is that we will NEVER find it here on earth. Only our Heavenly Father can supply it. He doesn't want us to be content with this world. Our contentment should be in Him.
Old Lace and Promises
So I was in a cleaning mood today and I got in several closets and pulled out stuff to throw away or give to charity. I then went out to the garage to organize it a bit so my daughter can pull her car in as it is beginning to get colder and the threat of frost is more likely. She had a friend over and they were curious about one of my boxes I was moving - the big white one. They asked the contents and I told them and said I was thinking of getting rid of it. I'm not exactly sure why I've hung onto it. For someone who isn't very sentimental, its out of character for me to be so attached to this item.
The girls, however, had another idea. They wanted to see the contents. So..... we opened the box. They were suprisingly complimentary of this item. So much so that my daughter even wanted to try it on! Now I - at this age and being the non-sentimental person that I am - had no interest whatsoever when my mother took her wedding dress out and showed it to me! However, Anna took a liking to my dress - all except for super puffy sleeves that looked like wings on such a small girl. I can't believe I didn't take flight when I wore it almost 20 years ago. And what surprised me even more is that the dress fit her. We discussed ways we could have the dress altered to look a little more modern but still keep the main parts intact. While I would never consider wearing my mother's dress, she is seriously thinking about wearing mine (or at least part of it).
It feels a bit surreal to realize that my daughter will be of age to marry in just a few years. It's even more surreal to see her put on a dress I wore almost 20 years ago. What makes it worse is to watch her do this while the failure of my marriage keeps replaying in the back of my mind.
What gives me hope however, is that she actually thinks my dress is beautiful - or that parts of it are - and she wants to revitalize it in some way to make it into her version of the perfect dress for beginning a new life with her future husband, whomever that may be. I can't help but get a message of symbolism from that. Just like the dress, there were parts of my marriage that were beautiful but there are also parts that just no longer work. Does that mean the dress/marriage should be thrown away? Some would say yes - throw it out and start anew. But me - being the non-sentimental person that I am - ironically says the opposite. The beautiful parts are worth saving - whether that be in effort to make it more current or simply to hold onto as a precious memory of one of the best days of my life.
There were many things promised that day - and since then several promises broken. But there were also priceless memories and 2 wonderful children that came from that union. As for the dress - I'm not sure what new creation the taylor will come up with but I'm so glad that at least part of it is still cherished and not only by me. Maybe the style of the dress did not stand the test of time, but the value is still there and I, for one, will treasure it with all my heart.
The girls, however, had another idea. They wanted to see the contents. So..... we opened the box. They were suprisingly complimentary of this item. So much so that my daughter even wanted to try it on! Now I - at this age and being the non-sentimental person that I am - had no interest whatsoever when my mother took her wedding dress out and showed it to me! However, Anna took a liking to my dress - all except for super puffy sleeves that looked like wings on such a small girl. I can't believe I didn't take flight when I wore it almost 20 years ago. And what surprised me even more is that the dress fit her. We discussed ways we could have the dress altered to look a little more modern but still keep the main parts intact. While I would never consider wearing my mother's dress, she is seriously thinking about wearing mine (or at least part of it).
It feels a bit surreal to realize that my daughter will be of age to marry in just a few years. It's even more surreal to see her put on a dress I wore almost 20 years ago. What makes it worse is to watch her do this while the failure of my marriage keeps replaying in the back of my mind.
What gives me hope however, is that she actually thinks my dress is beautiful - or that parts of it are - and she wants to revitalize it in some way to make it into her version of the perfect dress for beginning a new life with her future husband, whomever that may be. I can't help but get a message of symbolism from that. Just like the dress, there were parts of my marriage that were beautiful but there are also parts that just no longer work. Does that mean the dress/marriage should be thrown away? Some would say yes - throw it out and start anew. But me - being the non-sentimental person that I am - ironically says the opposite. The beautiful parts are worth saving - whether that be in effort to make it more current or simply to hold onto as a precious memory of one of the best days of my life.
There were many things promised that day - and since then several promises broken. But there were also priceless memories and 2 wonderful children that came from that union. As for the dress - I'm not sure what new creation the taylor will come up with but I'm so glad that at least part of it is still cherished and not only by me. Maybe the style of the dress did not stand the test of time, but the value is still there and I, for one, will treasure it with all my heart.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Bleak Midwinter
As it is Thanksgiving of course I am feeling nostalgic. Looking back on years gone by and realizing this year is so very different. This is the first year that I will experience the holidays without a husband.
That thought could get me down but I'm not going to go there (for today at least). I am going to count what I do still have and know that there is One who loves me more than I can understand. One who will never detach even though I miss the mark time and time again.
My heart longs to be shared but I am learning that I must first share it with the One who loves me most. I've held on to my heart too long, greedily clenching it with my own selfish will. I release it now as the Christmas season begins and open my clenched fist in faith that our Great Provider knows my needs even more than I do. He gives even when we don't deserve it .... especially when we don't deserve it.
My focus is not on what I can give others this year but on what I can give Him. This brings to mind a favorite hymn - my theme song this season.
In the bleak midwinter, frost wind made moan, earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone; snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow, in the bleak midwinter, long ago.
Our God, heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain; heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign. In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.
Angels and archangels may have gathered there, cherubim and seraphim thronged the air; but his mother only, in her maiden bliss, worshiped the beloved with a kiss.
What can I give him, poor as I am? If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb. If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part. Yet what can I give? Give Him my heart.
That thought could get me down but I'm not going to go there (for today at least). I am going to count what I do still have and know that there is One who loves me more than I can understand. One who will never detach even though I miss the mark time and time again.
My heart longs to be shared but I am learning that I must first share it with the One who loves me most. I've held on to my heart too long, greedily clenching it with my own selfish will. I release it now as the Christmas season begins and open my clenched fist in faith that our Great Provider knows my needs even more than I do. He gives even when we don't deserve it .... especially when we don't deserve it.
My focus is not on what I can give others this year but on what I can give Him. This brings to mind a favorite hymn - my theme song this season.
In the bleak midwinter, frost wind made moan, earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone; snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow, in the bleak midwinter, long ago.
Our God, heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain; heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign. In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.
Angels and archangels may have gathered there, cherubim and seraphim thronged the air; but his mother only, in her maiden bliss, worshiped the beloved with a kiss.
What can I give him, poor as I am? If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb. If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part. Yet what can I give? Give Him my heart.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Unresolved Issues
Do I appear to have it together? Do I seem to have direction and know what I want? Some would say yes. However, those that know me most intimately have seen the brokenness and confusion that I face daily.
So - unresolved issues in place - does that mean you no longer want to know me? Or does it help you to feel like you are not alone in that? Unresolved issues in place - does that make me way too complicated for you to want to have a relationship with me? Or do you want to be a part of my progress and recovery?
And how about your own unresolved issues..... Want to know how I feel about those? I see the pain they bring you. I know they are extremely difficult to face and deal with. That is exactly why they are unresolved. However, I believe in you. I want to see you conquer them. I know you can do it! How do I know? Because I have issues myself that are no longer unresolved. I have faced and dealt with many things that I have laid to rest. How about my resolved issues? Should they not be an encouragement to you?
Unresolved issues in my mind are a non-issue. We all have them. Eventually we deal with them or they just come out - like an explosion. I am not fearful of this but rather hopeful when this happens because it forces healing. I want to help you deal - even if I become the brunt of the explosion. For in my mind, the explosion - though damaging - forces cleanup and rebuilding and this could mean a life brand new.
What I would hate to see happen is for my own unresolved issues to be the reason that you avoid facing your own. The irony is that the main unresolved issue that I once faced - my biggest hurdle - has been taken care of. I was able to get past the pain of years of disappointment, get past the cloud of disrespect that I let take hold of my heart, and become renewed to the passion I once had in my youth. To me, that was the first step toward fixing the other secondary things that I've let go over the years. And now.... because one of those secondary things reared its ugly head, I must go to work building all those walls back up - so that my heart can stay intact, but this time, to keep it broken and not the hardened mass it had become. This time - to be protected by God's grace and not perverted by my own attempt at restoration.
My own unresolved issues have been repaired by love. I hope that you will begin to repair yours the same way. Let God love you today.
So - unresolved issues in place - does that mean you no longer want to know me? Or does it help you to feel like you are not alone in that? Unresolved issues in place - does that make me way too complicated for you to want to have a relationship with me? Or do you want to be a part of my progress and recovery?
And how about your own unresolved issues..... Want to know how I feel about those? I see the pain they bring you. I know they are extremely difficult to face and deal with. That is exactly why they are unresolved. However, I believe in you. I want to see you conquer them. I know you can do it! How do I know? Because I have issues myself that are no longer unresolved. I have faced and dealt with many things that I have laid to rest. How about my resolved issues? Should they not be an encouragement to you?
Unresolved issues in my mind are a non-issue. We all have them. Eventually we deal with them or they just come out - like an explosion. I am not fearful of this but rather hopeful when this happens because it forces healing. I want to help you deal - even if I become the brunt of the explosion. For in my mind, the explosion - though damaging - forces cleanup and rebuilding and this could mean a life brand new.
What I would hate to see happen is for my own unresolved issues to be the reason that you avoid facing your own. The irony is that the main unresolved issue that I once faced - my biggest hurdle - has been taken care of. I was able to get past the pain of years of disappointment, get past the cloud of disrespect that I let take hold of my heart, and become renewed to the passion I once had in my youth. To me, that was the first step toward fixing the other secondary things that I've let go over the years. And now.... because one of those secondary things reared its ugly head, I must go to work building all those walls back up - so that my heart can stay intact, but this time, to keep it broken and not the hardened mass it had become. This time - to be protected by God's grace and not perverted by my own attempt at restoration.
My own unresolved issues have been repaired by love. I hope that you will begin to repair yours the same way. Let God love you today.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Peace, Be still.
You know that feeling when a storm is brewing? There may not be obvious signs of it yet but you can just feel the tension in the air. The anticipation in the atmosphere builds and then the storm comes in - may be just rain, may be a little thunder or a little lightning maybe or it could be a full on tornado that comes through.
I think that describes not only our outside world but sometimes our interaction with others as well. Turmoil often festers for days before it comes out and then comes the rain...... or the thunder...... or the tornado of conflict. You never know how long it will last and then when its over, you still hear the rumblings for a few days. I used to dread this very thing - maybe even fear it a little. But I'm beginning to understand that sometimes it takes a storm to bring about new life. We may even have to deal with a little destruction after the storm before we are able to see the tiny blooms of something fresh and new peeking up through the ground. And in order for those fresh, new leaves or blooms to flourish and grow - we must have at least a little more rain.
Perhaps a healthy relationship requires this kind of "weathering" as well.
And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Mark4:37-40
I used to see this as the beginning of the end of a relationship. Fighting, misunderstandings, conflicts or storms were death signs to me. But I'm beginning to know that sometimes these things are necessary to proceed to the next stage or level. These "storms" - though they often bring destruction in their path - also bring about the new - whether through renovation of buildings or hydration for new plants. And even when the old is destroyed - we still have the memories of the good that took place there but can see the new that was brought about by the storm.
So from here on out, I will quit fretting over the storm. When God is ready, He will calm it. And even though His "new" may be completely different from my "new" - He knows what He is doing and has a blessing in store if I will just have the willingness to be open to it. I've been through another storm recently and am coming off the tail end of it - still hearing the faint rumblings of thunder and feeling the drops of rain. I'm trusting that He will take this calm I feel after the storm and carry me through the cloudy days ahead until the Son comes shining through to my heart once more.
I think that describes not only our outside world but sometimes our interaction with others as well. Turmoil often festers for days before it comes out and then comes the rain...... or the thunder...... or the tornado of conflict. You never know how long it will last and then when its over, you still hear the rumblings for a few days. I used to dread this very thing - maybe even fear it a little. But I'm beginning to understand that sometimes it takes a storm to bring about new life. We may even have to deal with a little destruction after the storm before we are able to see the tiny blooms of something fresh and new peeking up through the ground. And in order for those fresh, new leaves or blooms to flourish and grow - we must have at least a little more rain.
Perhaps a healthy relationship requires this kind of "weathering" as well.
And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Mark4:37-40
I used to see this as the beginning of the end of a relationship. Fighting, misunderstandings, conflicts or storms were death signs to me. But I'm beginning to know that sometimes these things are necessary to proceed to the next stage or level. These "storms" - though they often bring destruction in their path - also bring about the new - whether through renovation of buildings or hydration for new plants. And even when the old is destroyed - we still have the memories of the good that took place there but can see the new that was brought about by the storm.
So from here on out, I will quit fretting over the storm. When God is ready, He will calm it. And even though His "new" may be completely different from my "new" - He knows what He is doing and has a blessing in store if I will just have the willingness to be open to it. I've been through another storm recently and am coming off the tail end of it - still hearing the faint rumblings of thunder and feeling the drops of rain. I'm trusting that He will take this calm I feel after the storm and carry me through the cloudy days ahead until the Son comes shining through to my heart once more.
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