Inked!

I have thought about tattoos for a long time. I don't have a problem with them at all - in fact I think some of them are really beautiful. I do, however, think that one has to give very careful consideration to what they want permanently etched onto their person. While there are removal methods, they are expensive and painful and I'm not convinced they work entirely. There always seems to be a shadow of the former image....

In considering the possibility of my own tattoo, I began to consider how some of my decisions in essence have already been tattooed upon my heart and/or brain. Some of them beautiful... some of them notsomuch. None of them were ever considered before they happened! In fact, it's just now dawning on me that I have some control over what I let be inked into my heart and soul.

I know there are things that will happen and are beyond my control that will stay with me for life. Those things - even the painful ones - are good reminders of both joyous events and lessons learned. However there are some things that I etched in myself - by bad choices - and unfortunately those pictures are not so pleasing to the eye.

God is the ultimate laser tattoo removal specialist and He works wonders with this type of permanent ink. Unfortunately, our memory is never erased entirely and there are always shadows of decisions gone bad. However, going forward, I at least understand better the permanency of my decisions and hopefully the shadows of my past will be reminder enough to make better choices in the future.

Bet you never thought God might speak to you in a tattoo parlor eh?

Listening to the Quiet

So last night as I was asking why, I sat still for a minute and tried to quiet my inner 2 year old. I was quiet... and still.... and I didn't fall asleep right away. I listened. I heard the activities of the house and I heard my breathing and I heard a few of my thoughts but then I blocked all of that out. Before I began my prayer, I found quiet... I found peace.... and for that moment, even though He did not speak, I found God.

He still is not speaking to me about the particular issue for which I need answers, but He is here,with me, all the time. He puts His loving arms around me and holds me in such a way that I know everything is as it should be at this point in time. He does not move me to act but seems to hold me right where I am in a stance of comfort. And even though there are no words, I feel His presence is His way of communicating that there is absolutely nothing for me to do right now. He has ME in His hands and He knows what I need. He will work out everything in His time, not mine. He will provide the desires of my heart even if they are not what I think they are or not what I think I want.

I don't really understand why He would allow me to go on living in this state of uneasiness but I feel He is trying to calm me in a way.... I *do* trust Him but it is hard to not ask Him to just hurry up and fix this situation or hurry up and fix me.

So when I finally feel that I am able to request of Him, I simply ask for discernment. Discernment to know when to act and when to be still. Discernment in the words I should say and when to say them or when to keep them inside. Discernment to know what is true and what is false in this tricky game of life. Discernment in what is beginning and what might need to end.

He knows what I will do even before I do.... just wish He could tell me now and give fair warning before I make too many life altering errors.

Why ask why?

I spend alot of time asking God why. I guess I lean more toward the concept of fate than of random happenings. I do believe God allows certain things to happen for a reason or brings certain people into our lives at very definite times for a purpose..... but not always. Sometimes it is simply by chance that we come across something or someone. Right?

Most of the time we don't know why something happens until much later - sometimes years later. In the early years of dealing with an autoimmune disease, I spent so much time in the "why me" phase. I still don't fully understand why but as I've learned to cope with the disease, I've been able relax and accept what I've been dealt. There have been lots of advances in medicine since the early days and I'm blessed to have found a medication that keeps me in somewhat normal mode. This week, I got a phone call out of the blue from a friend who had been newly diagnosed with a similar disease. I think I was able to give her some good information to help her accept and deal with the plight she now faces. She is not the first. I have been able to talk with several others and this common bond has helped form valuable friendships that might not have formed had I not been through it.

That's just one example of a fate thing.... But what about the random things? Did I think my autoimmune disease was random then and then later decide it was fate? What is happening now that is random and what is happening now that is fate? Does it really even matter? I don't know why I think about this so often. Really - if its fate, it's obviously not for me to know now. God reveals that in His time. I bet God gets tired of me asking why. Maybe I should add that other annoying question we hear often as parents.... "How much longer til we get there?" since I'm obviously on a never ending journey.

Will He ever get me raised? It's not looking too promising.... I'm still not past the terrible twos!

BREATHE...

Lyrics from George Straight:
Life’s not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain’t what it’s all about
Ya just might miss the point
Try’n to win the race
Life’s not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away

My daughter is the country music fan in our household so we listen often in the car. And although I'm not necessarily a fan, I do love the stories most country songs tell and the lyrics to most of them are fairly meaningful. Typically I like the female musicians but every once in awhile one of the men will sing something that gets to me and today, the aha moment came from George Straight.

It occurred to me after hearing the lyrics above that my life right now is just a series of breaths I'm taking....one...right after....another. Nothing really is taking my breath away. In fact, when I look back to a time that I felt more together and more content, it was near a time when I was near one of those moments that take your breath away - either right before or right after.

I realize those moments can't be constant. We need times of slow and steady breathing. What I question now is - am I just not seeing the breathless moments or are they really not there? Can I create them somehow? Or is it simply just not time for one? Somehow I feel I'm craving that. But is it a false hope?

Do I go looking for that roller coaster ride or jump off and make a bold career decision? Or do I just wait this all out and focus on the slow and steady breathing that I've been doing all along. Maybe focus more inwardly and even pull out a few practices from yoga - breathing ever MORE slowly and MORE deeply in order to calm this nagging storm inside me.

At this point, I really have no choice. God knows when those moments that take your breath away should be. I guess I will trust Him to provide them when He knows best and in the meantime, try out a little yoga breathing in order to calm my anxiety.

Tag, You're It

Tag team parenting. Sounds like a reasonable concept, right? Shared duties. When one can't be there, the other takes over. The one who is not on kid duty is either working or having leisure time. The other parent is having quality moments with the children. It should keep both parents from being too stressed out, right? Maybe....

But isn't that what divorced parents do?

Apparently some married parents do it also. And although the concept looks good on paper - it can kill a relationship. And quite frankly, I've had a little too much of it lately. I realize there are times it can't be helped, but when it becomes the norm, then I believe that's a problem.

Not sure what to do about it just yet. A little "Come to Jesus" meeting is in order. Although....I'm afraid we've had a few too many of those lately.

I didn't get married to be lonely or to join a tag team parenting group. Don't get me wrong - I am very blessed to have a husband who is willing to take his turn - but I'd rather be a regular team and not play tag. I'd like to have time together - maybe even without the kids.

If we keep playing tag, I'm afraid that next time I'm "It" - I may just quit tagging and move on to the next game.

Corners

Corners are really annoying. I remember being sent to the corner when I was little. They are a pain in the rear when painting a room. If you live on a corner lot, you have a lot more edging to do. But the worst, the absolute worst is being backed into a corner. It's like being trapped.... nowhere to go. I, apparently, can't even talk myself out of a corner.

So today, I'm just going to sit in my corner and wait it out. I did the only thing a girl can do when in that situation. Total. Brutal. Honesty. The problem is I don't have any explanation for feeling the way I do. I don't know how to change how feel. I've tried - in vain for more than 4 years. Much prayer and effort has been given but God is still silent. Is this a lesson He wants me to learn on my own? Why doesn't He intervene?

I crave change yet I am not ready for it. The time is not right. However, I fear that the time will never be right. And why should I fear that? Why do I want this change? I have everything here that I always wanted.... I don't feel disappointed exactly but I guess I feel that maybe I wanted the wrong things? What is the basis for what were my hopes and dreams in life and why now do I doubt that? This is a struggle that can't be resolved in a blog for sure - but in life,with time, maybe.

So for now I guess - the corner may be a safe place for me. It is my consequence of many mistakes along the way. It is where I must think about what I did and about how I need to change. Time Out. I can't hurt anyone else while I'm here and I can't get distracted by things I've been told not to do. I'm just not sure it was ever the most effective form of discipline but I guess it's better than a spanking.

Smile :)

So I've been rather melancholy which is typical for me this time of year. I think I tend to dwell on the disappointments in life rather than the joys. I am at a point where I often feel let down that certain aspects of life have not met my expectations. Perhaps my expectations were too high to begin with.

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions and I don't intent to this year. I am a continuous work in progress as it is and if I set the bar too high and fail, then I suffer huge set backs. However - I am going to live by a new principle of life.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

The source of my biggest disappointment and frustration in life has been failed relatonships and/or lost friendships. I realize that sharing a closeness with someone is often temporary and that some friendships must fade in order to foster new ones. Some relationships are toxic and must be terminated. But instead of letting bitterness or regret take hold in my life, I am choosing to remember each and every loved one with fondness - no matter what the circumstances of the failed relationship were. That doesn't mean I need to fall into old patterns - it just means that I am free to love them from a distance. I will choose to remember the good and forget the bad.

And my new relationhips.... I need not fear the end even though I am well aware that some will fade away. I'm going to smile because it is happening and not worry about it being over. I am richly blessed and know God brings people into my life for a reason and in His timing and will trust Him to nurture and develop those relationships that are worthwhile.