I spend alot of time asking God why. I guess I lean more toward the concept of fate than of random happenings. I do believe God allows certain things to happen for a reason or brings certain people into our lives at very definite times for a purpose..... but not always. Sometimes it is simply by chance that we come across something or someone. Right?
Most of the time we don't know why something happens until much later - sometimes years later. In the early years of dealing with an autoimmune disease, I spent so much time in the "why me" phase. I still don't fully understand why but as I've learned to cope with the disease, I've been able relax and accept what I've been dealt. There have been lots of advances in medicine since the early days and I'm blessed to have found a medication that keeps me in somewhat normal mode. This week, I got a phone call out of the blue from a friend who had been newly diagnosed with a similar disease. I think I was able to give her some good information to help her accept and deal with the plight she now faces. She is not the first. I have been able to talk with several others and this common bond has helped form valuable friendships that might not have formed had I not been through it.
That's just one example of a fate thing.... But what about the random things? Did I think my autoimmune disease was random then and then later decide it was fate? What is happening now that is random and what is happening now that is fate? Does it really even matter? I don't know why I think about this so often. Really - if its fate, it's obviously not for me to know now. God reveals that in His time. I bet God gets tired of me asking why. Maybe I should add that other annoying question we hear often as parents.... "How much longer til we get there?" since I'm obviously on a never ending journey.
Will He ever get me raised? It's not looking too promising.... I'm still not past the terrible twos!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
BREATHE...
Lyrics from George Straight:
Life’s not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain’t what it’s all about
Ya just might miss the point
Try’n to win the race
Life’s not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away
My daughter is the country music fan in our household so we listen often in the car. And although I'm not necessarily a fan, I do love the stories most country songs tell and the lyrics to most of them are fairly meaningful. Typically I like the female musicians but every once in awhile one of the men will sing something that gets to me and today, the aha moment came from George Straight.
It occurred to me after hearing the lyrics above that my life right now is just a series of breaths I'm taking....one...right after....another. Nothing really is taking my breath away. In fact, when I look back to a time that I felt more together and more content, it was near a time when I was near one of those moments that take your breath away - either right before or right after.
I realize those moments can't be constant. We need times of slow and steady breathing. What I question now is - am I just not seeing the breathless moments or are they really not there? Can I create them somehow? Or is it simply just not time for one? Somehow I feel I'm craving that. But is it a false hope?
Do I go looking for that roller coaster ride or jump off and make a bold career decision? Or do I just wait this all out and focus on the slow and steady breathing that I've been doing all along. Maybe focus more inwardly and even pull out a few practices from yoga - breathing ever MORE slowly and MORE deeply in order to calm this nagging storm inside me.
At this point, I really have no choice. God knows when those moments that take your breath away should be. I guess I will trust Him to provide them when He knows best and in the meantime, try out a little yoga breathing in order to calm my anxiety.
Life’s not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain’t what it’s all about
Ya just might miss the point
Try’n to win the race
Life’s not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away
My daughter is the country music fan in our household so we listen often in the car. And although I'm not necessarily a fan, I do love the stories most country songs tell and the lyrics to most of them are fairly meaningful. Typically I like the female musicians but every once in awhile one of the men will sing something that gets to me and today, the aha moment came from George Straight.
It occurred to me after hearing the lyrics above that my life right now is just a series of breaths I'm taking....one...right after....another. Nothing really is taking my breath away. In fact, when I look back to a time that I felt more together and more content, it was near a time when I was near one of those moments that take your breath away - either right before or right after.
I realize those moments can't be constant. We need times of slow and steady breathing. What I question now is - am I just not seeing the breathless moments or are they really not there? Can I create them somehow? Or is it simply just not time for one? Somehow I feel I'm craving that. But is it a false hope?
Do I go looking for that roller coaster ride or jump off and make a bold career decision? Or do I just wait this all out and focus on the slow and steady breathing that I've been doing all along. Maybe focus more inwardly and even pull out a few practices from yoga - breathing ever MORE slowly and MORE deeply in order to calm this nagging storm inside me.
At this point, I really have no choice. God knows when those moments that take your breath away should be. I guess I will trust Him to provide them when He knows best and in the meantime, try out a little yoga breathing in order to calm my anxiety.
Tag, You're It
Tag team parenting. Sounds like a reasonable concept, right? Shared duties. When one can't be there, the other takes over. The one who is not on kid duty is either working or having leisure time. The other parent is having quality moments with the children. It should keep both parents from being too stressed out, right? Maybe....
But isn't that what divorced parents do?
Apparently some married parents do it also. And although the concept looks good on paper - it can kill a relationship. And quite frankly, I've had a little too much of it lately. I realize there are times it can't be helped, but when it becomes the norm, then I believe that's a problem.
Not sure what to do about it just yet. A little "Come to Jesus" meeting is in order. Although....I'm afraid we've had a few too many of those lately.
I didn't get married to be lonely or to join a tag team parenting group. Don't get me wrong - I am very blessed to have a husband who is willing to take his turn - but I'd rather be a regular team and not play tag. I'd like to have time together - maybe even without the kids.
If we keep playing tag, I'm afraid that next time I'm "It" - I may just quit tagging and move on to the next game.
But isn't that what divorced parents do?
Apparently some married parents do it also. And although the concept looks good on paper - it can kill a relationship. And quite frankly, I've had a little too much of it lately. I realize there are times it can't be helped, but when it becomes the norm, then I believe that's a problem.
Not sure what to do about it just yet. A little "Come to Jesus" meeting is in order. Although....I'm afraid we've had a few too many of those lately.
I didn't get married to be lonely or to join a tag team parenting group. Don't get me wrong - I am very blessed to have a husband who is willing to take his turn - but I'd rather be a regular team and not play tag. I'd like to have time together - maybe even without the kids.
If we keep playing tag, I'm afraid that next time I'm "It" - I may just quit tagging and move on to the next game.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Corners
Corners are really annoying. I remember being sent to the corner when I was little. They are a pain in the rear when painting a room. If you live on a corner lot, you have a lot more edging to do. But the worst, the absolute worst is being backed into a corner. It's like being trapped.... nowhere to go. I, apparently, can't even talk myself out of a corner.
So today, I'm just going to sit in my corner and wait it out. I did the only thing a girl can do when in that situation. Total. Brutal. Honesty. The problem is I don't have any explanation for feeling the way I do. I don't know how to change how feel. I've tried - in vain for more than 4 years. Much prayer and effort has been given but God is still silent. Is this a lesson He wants me to learn on my own? Why doesn't He intervene?
I crave change yet I am not ready for it. The time is not right. However, I fear that the time will never be right. And why should I fear that? Why do I want this change? I have everything here that I always wanted.... I don't feel disappointed exactly but I guess I feel that maybe I wanted the wrong things? What is the basis for what were my hopes and dreams in life and why now do I doubt that? This is a struggle that can't be resolved in a blog for sure - but in life,with time, maybe.
So for now I guess - the corner may be a safe place for me. It is my consequence of many mistakes along the way. It is where I must think about what I did and about how I need to change. Time Out. I can't hurt anyone else while I'm here and I can't get distracted by things I've been told not to do. I'm just not sure it was ever the most effective form of discipline but I guess it's better than a spanking.
So today, I'm just going to sit in my corner and wait it out. I did the only thing a girl can do when in that situation. Total. Brutal. Honesty. The problem is I don't have any explanation for feeling the way I do. I don't know how to change how feel. I've tried - in vain for more than 4 years. Much prayer and effort has been given but God is still silent. Is this a lesson He wants me to learn on my own? Why doesn't He intervene?
I crave change yet I am not ready for it. The time is not right. However, I fear that the time will never be right. And why should I fear that? Why do I want this change? I have everything here that I always wanted.... I don't feel disappointed exactly but I guess I feel that maybe I wanted the wrong things? What is the basis for what were my hopes and dreams in life and why now do I doubt that? This is a struggle that can't be resolved in a blog for sure - but in life,with time, maybe.
So for now I guess - the corner may be a safe place for me. It is my consequence of many mistakes along the way. It is where I must think about what I did and about how I need to change. Time Out. I can't hurt anyone else while I'm here and I can't get distracted by things I've been told not to do. I'm just not sure it was ever the most effective form of discipline but I guess it's better than a spanking.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Smile :)
So I've been rather melancholy which is typical for me this time of year. I think I tend to dwell on the disappointments in life rather than the joys. I am at a point where I often feel let down that certain aspects of life have not met my expectations. Perhaps my expectations were too high to begin with.
I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions and I don't intent to this year. I am a continuous work in progress as it is and if I set the bar too high and fail, then I suffer huge set backs. However - I am going to live by a new principle of life.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
The source of my biggest disappointment and frustration in life has been failed relatonships and/or lost friendships. I realize that sharing a closeness with someone is often temporary and that some friendships must fade in order to foster new ones. Some relationships are toxic and must be terminated. But instead of letting bitterness or regret take hold in my life, I am choosing to remember each and every loved one with fondness - no matter what the circumstances of the failed relationship were. That doesn't mean I need to fall into old patterns - it just means that I am free to love them from a distance. I will choose to remember the good and forget the bad.
And my new relationhips.... I need not fear the end even though I am well aware that some will fade away. I'm going to smile because it is happening and not worry about it being over. I am richly blessed and know God brings people into my life for a reason and in His timing and will trust Him to nurture and develop those relationships that are worthwhile.
I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions and I don't intent to this year. I am a continuous work in progress as it is and if I set the bar too high and fail, then I suffer huge set backs. However - I am going to live by a new principle of life.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
The source of my biggest disappointment and frustration in life has been failed relatonships and/or lost friendships. I realize that sharing a closeness with someone is often temporary and that some friendships must fade in order to foster new ones. Some relationships are toxic and must be terminated. But instead of letting bitterness or regret take hold in my life, I am choosing to remember each and every loved one with fondness - no matter what the circumstances of the failed relationship were. That doesn't mean I need to fall into old patterns - it just means that I am free to love them from a distance. I will choose to remember the good and forget the bad.
And my new relationhips.... I need not fear the end even though I am well aware that some will fade away. I'm going to smile because it is happening and not worry about it being over. I am richly blessed and know God brings people into my life for a reason and in His timing and will trust Him to nurture and develop those relationships that are worthwhile.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Gift
From The Message Bible:
4 -5If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift.
Gifts are not earned. Gifts are given just because someone loves you. Sometimes they are easy to accept, sometimes not. It's much easier when you are giving a gift in return - then it feels more balanced or fair. It's actually easier to be the gift giver in my opinion. I love it when I find what I know is going to be the pefect gift for someone!
God is the ultimate gift giver. There is no way we can truly reciprocate. He never asks us to either. All He asks is for us to accept His gift! Yet we often seem to have a problem with that....
Life deals us some complicated issues. We think we've got a grasp until something comes up that completely baffles us. Even then, many times we try to conquer it on our own. But life is not a project at work. We do not earn wages for living. God does not give us a salary for good deeds or absence of sin. Everything He does for us is pure gift. All He asks for is faith. His gift is His ability to do the job called life for us. He knows its a job too big for us to handle on our own.
I definitely have some jobs I can't do on my own. I think its time I accept His gift. I realize His gift may take some unusal forms but I'm keeping an open mind. I can't wait to unwrap the next present He sends my way.
One more thought:
6 -9David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man:
Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off,
whose sins are wiped clean from the slate.
Fortunate the person against
whom the Lord does not keep score. Do you think for a minute that this blessing is only pronounced over those of us who keep our religious ways and are circumcised? Or do you think it possible that the blessing could be given to those who never even heard of our ways, who were never brought up in the disciplines of God? We all agree, don't we, that it was by embracing what God did for him that Abraham was declared fit before God?
Apparently I am not the only gift recipient! How amazing is that? God wants to share the wealth with ALL of us - sinful or not! He does not keep score... love that. Zero pressure. Take it or leave it. I'm taking!
4 -5If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift.
Gifts are not earned. Gifts are given just because someone loves you. Sometimes they are easy to accept, sometimes not. It's much easier when you are giving a gift in return - then it feels more balanced or fair. It's actually easier to be the gift giver in my opinion. I love it when I find what I know is going to be the pefect gift for someone!
God is the ultimate gift giver. There is no way we can truly reciprocate. He never asks us to either. All He asks is for us to accept His gift! Yet we often seem to have a problem with that....
Life deals us some complicated issues. We think we've got a grasp until something comes up that completely baffles us. Even then, many times we try to conquer it on our own. But life is not a project at work. We do not earn wages for living. God does not give us a salary for good deeds or absence of sin. Everything He does for us is pure gift. All He asks for is faith. His gift is His ability to do the job called life for us. He knows its a job too big for us to handle on our own.
I definitely have some jobs I can't do on my own. I think its time I accept His gift. I realize His gift may take some unusal forms but I'm keeping an open mind. I can't wait to unwrap the next present He sends my way.
One more thought:
6 -9David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man:
Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off,
whose sins are wiped clean from the slate.
Fortunate the person against
whom the Lord does not keep score. Do you think for a minute that this blessing is only pronounced over those of us who keep our religious ways and are circumcised? Or do you think it possible that the blessing could be given to those who never even heard of our ways, who were never brought up in the disciplines of God? We all agree, don't we, that it was by embracing what God did for him that Abraham was declared fit before God?
Apparently I am not the only gift recipient! How amazing is that? God wants to share the wealth with ALL of us - sinful or not! He does not keep score... love that. Zero pressure. Take it or leave it. I'm taking!
Monday, December 27, 2010
39.
I am now 39 years young. or old - depending on how you want to see it. To me, it matters not. It is what it is. 39 may be the new 27 or it may be exactly 39. I really don't care. All I know is that I get older, the more at peace I am with myself. I've always liked me....to a degree. But I've always let comparisons get in the way of accepting myself the way God made me. He is the ultimate artist and he created me the way He wanted me - not the way *I* want me!
Some of this is within my control - yes. I need to keep my body healthy and not trash it up with junky stuff and slothfulness. I definitely learned why after the 10 months I spent on a strict eating plan and exercise regimen. I was successful in reaching a healthy weight and getting back in shape as well as getting my blood pressure and other health concerns in check. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm no athlete and wasn't made to be. I was blessed with an auto-immune disease early on in life and I don't believe that I live with this disease just because of genetics. It serves a purpose in my life and I am actually quite ok with the struggles it brings to me. It is no bed of roses, but it could be worse and I believe I learn alot about myself with each hurdle I face.
Now - shall we tackle vanity? Who doesn't struggle with this at least a little? I'm a girl.... I want to look good! And yes - at times I think I'm the one they're singing about in that song "You're so vain". Aren't I at the center of your world? I will also admit I've done some rather painful procedures all in the name of beauty... but I don't regret those either. Ok - well yeah - maybe the money could have been better spent on someone in need but those things have also made enough of a mark on my self esteem that I am more able to put myself out there and be there for someone in need - or less afraid to talk to someone who might otherwise intimidate me.
Don't get me wrong. I will always have gripes about my body or the aging process in general but I have come so far compared to how insecure I was 5 years ago. I like the new me (which is actually the old me that was hiding behind about 3 layers of fat). I like being 39. And I have no fear about the years to come. I don't intend to cover my grey when it appears (although my friend Becky does not believe me). I may even have to find one of those tacky vanity tags that reads "Sexy Grandma" when the time comes.... ha! NOT :)
Some of this is within my control - yes. I need to keep my body healthy and not trash it up with junky stuff and slothfulness. I definitely learned why after the 10 months I spent on a strict eating plan and exercise regimen. I was successful in reaching a healthy weight and getting back in shape as well as getting my blood pressure and other health concerns in check. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm no athlete and wasn't made to be. I was blessed with an auto-immune disease early on in life and I don't believe that I live with this disease just because of genetics. It serves a purpose in my life and I am actually quite ok with the struggles it brings to me. It is no bed of roses, but it could be worse and I believe I learn alot about myself with each hurdle I face.
Now - shall we tackle vanity? Who doesn't struggle with this at least a little? I'm a girl.... I want to look good! And yes - at times I think I'm the one they're singing about in that song "You're so vain". Aren't I at the center of your world? I will also admit I've done some rather painful procedures all in the name of beauty... but I don't regret those either. Ok - well yeah - maybe the money could have been better spent on someone in need but those things have also made enough of a mark on my self esteem that I am more able to put myself out there and be there for someone in need - or less afraid to talk to someone who might otherwise intimidate me.
Don't get me wrong. I will always have gripes about my body or the aging process in general but I have come so far compared to how insecure I was 5 years ago. I like the new me (which is actually the old me that was hiding behind about 3 layers of fat). I like being 39. And I have no fear about the years to come. I don't intend to cover my grey when it appears (although my friend Becky does not believe me). I may even have to find one of those tacky vanity tags that reads "Sexy Grandma" when the time comes.... ha! NOT :)
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