Not the only one

I recently discovered that a friend of mine - someone whom I would little expect - shared in a similar experience to one I have had. Occurrences like that happen all the time..... but not necessarily for this type of experience. When I was going through the whole ordeal, I wrestled with many emotions - fear, regret, shame. It was one of those experiences that feels good when you're in the middle of it but in hindsight makes you wonder what in the world you were thinking. One of those that, when all is out in the open, leave you wishing you could take it all back. It is a time that brings an incredible sense that you are alone....

Then - to find out you are not alone - to find out someone that you know and actually respect - has been in a similar situation and conquered it - is encouraging.....sort of. It would be I guess, if I felt I could comfortably know more. Details, I want details. Advice, I NEED advice! But yet, this friend is not one I can just call up and have comfortable girl talk with. OR - maybe I could but don't want to overstep any boundaries.

And therein lies one of my biggest flaws, issues, whatever you want to call it. I ~long~ for more female friendships. I have many friends yes - but they are surface friends. There are but a few that I can have real, honest conversations with. Only a couple that I tell everything to. Not even a handful that I know within my heart of hearts will love me no matter what ugliness I end up revealing when showing the real me. I hold back regularly. I don't initiate outings or make calls to check on people. I don't go out of my way to have conversations other than in passing. I am fearful of imposing, or being perceived as presumptive. I worry too much about what others will think instead of just putting that aside and making 'dates' with my girlfriends. And in doing that, I keep people at arms length I suppose.

And why? Why do I let fear rule my relationships? I've been hurt yes - but who hasn't? Hurt is always a risk when forming any type of relationship but is that any reason to remain alone? Assuming risk has never been my forte. I'm conservative. I play it safe. Playing it safe though, reduces one's chances of winning the big prize. So at this point I have to assess if I want the prize or if I want to remain safe. Will putting myself out there expose me to volatility or inspire me to blossom? And if I remain to myself to avoid hurt, then why am I still hurting so much?

Guess it's time (gulp) to admit my flaws, put myself out there and see who bites. Perhaps the flawed me will actually be more attractive to others than the put-together me. I will never have all the answers, I will always need help and love and support. I just hope it doesn't come across as needy.... because, as we all know - I am perfectly capable of going it alone. Just not very happy doing it that way.

Lent Virgin

So the season of Lent is now upon us. Ashamedly I admit that this is the first year I've actually observed it. The main reason is that I spent too many years in the Southern Baptist Church - not something I regret really but it did keep me from learning about the deep spirtual meanings behind the rituals of the liturgical church. Advent is another special time that I've come to appreciate as well. Both are times of preparation and reflection. Christmas and Easter are both are times that we as Christians should truly reflect on God's gifts to us and seek His plan for our lives. To truly do this, we must take time to prepare ourselves for true fellowship and worship with him. We must cleanse ourselves of 'self' in a way and direct our thoughts, actions and intentions more on Him and others. Like any sort of training, this takes time and will not happen overnight.

As for Lent specifically, the intent is self sacrifice. Christians give up something they love so that whenever they crave and want for that particular thing, they are reminded of Christ's ultimate sacrifice for us. It can also be giving up something that distracts us or gets in the way of our focus on Christ which is ultimately where my sacrifice came in.... I gave up something I love that also tends to distract me from more important activities - Facebook. I like to tell myself that I tune into Facebook to keep up with others -but honestly, I do it for myself. When I log in, it almost instantly draws me in and commands my attention - sometimes for hours on end. Luckily, I am not one to have Facebook on my phone or this sacrifice would be nearly impossible.

But beyond my spiritual reasons for giving up Facebook are also personal reasons. I need better balance in my life. God needs my attention - yes but so do my children, my husband and MY HOUSE !!! Yikes! I'm trying to juggle yet have no talent for this. The root of the problem I feel is that I have turned my focus inward and that has turned my world inside out. If I learn to put my eye back on the prize (our Heavenly Father) then it's only natural that my attentions will be directed on those who need me and off myself. Then maybe, just maybe everything else will fall into place and the need to juggle will be gone.

So - here I go again....

Oh wow. I'm really hopelessly out of practice at this blogging business. This is a side I've certainly let go - much like my step aerobics phase. I am now back on the step and my butt is screaming so I hope getting back on the blog doesn't send my psyche into some kind of painful eruption!

Somehow I have managed to link this blog to my facebook page and I have been unsuccessful in figuring out how I did that so that I can undo it. I really don't want the whole world seeing my blog.... It's too transparent and too personal at times. It is meant only for the select few - those whom I know love me anyway - even when my thoughts, feelings, etc are less than stellar. So that has been my excuse for not writing.... I don't want to clutter my facebook page with anything more than a few little quips about my day.

So I suppose I will work on getting the link deleted somehow, but in the meantime I guess the facebook world will get to know more than they really wanted to know about me. That is, if I can blog truthfully knowing it may still get blasted out for all the world to see.

What I'm dealing with now? Wondering if some friendships I've formed are real.... Feeling overwhelmed by work and stuff that needs to be done at home..... Worrying about my baby boy who is definitely not a baby anymore :( Lamenting over the stupid drama that occurs in a small town..... missing the place I call 'home'. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe it's just seasonal mood disorder. Or maybe, just maybe - God's tapping me on the shoulder telling me it's time to crawl back into His palm and let Him love me.

Ins and outs of friendship

Today I am mourning the loss of a relationship.... I have been friends with this particular person for over 20 years and we have certainly had our ups and downs but I believe the roller coaster relationship has come to an end. Too much baggage to discuss in a public blog but it seems that what once was a good thing has become a toxic thing. Toxic for both of us actually. I don't think there are hard feelings on either side - just an agreement that it's time for each of us to go our separate ways. It is the oddest thing I've experienced in my whole life.

I am sad, yes - but not overly. It's like I just realized that it was something that had to be done. She and I are in completely different places in life and neither one of us can understand the other's viewpoints in several areas. I do feel her friendship was one God blessed me with long ago but I also feel that God was ready for it to be over. He has given me this inexplicable peace about it. Either that or I've gone through so much pain already that I'm numb. Honestly though - I think I've felt God preparing me for this for quite awhile now.

I feel that changes are happening in and around me. Like my life is entering a new season. I don't know if this is a good feeling or not but rather that it's time for a change. I'm curiously content about it all.

This all may be temporary and I am open to reconciliation if it happens to ever come about but I feel a sense of finality in this. With that sense, I feel a sense of hope because I see new friendships emerging that seem to better serve the purpose God gave us for this type of relationship. I tried to salvage what I could but just hit a brick wall each time. A shame? Yes it is but I believe that things like this must change or we do not continue to grow as we should. I held her back as much as she did me. I may be grasping at straws here, but I have no choice but to try to make a little lemonade out of a very sour experience.

The Acquaintance

There you are again. How many times have I seen you, exchanged smiles, muttered a friendly hello and received a response in kind.? I know you yet I don’t. Most of the time we brush past each other and go our separate ways, never giving each other a second thought. But today, I look out across the crowd , into your laughing eyes and I see that glimpse of darkness behind your perfect smile.

Then I begin to wonder how our lives could be so similar yet seem so different on the surface. I wonder if the emotion underneath the mask is an indication of inner sadness, rage or just plain indifference. You seem to have it all together. Your life appears as a story book to the rest. But I see you have a secret and I share in that uneasiness. I wonder to myself, what kind of beautiful friendship could possibly be formed from the common bond we have, yet I will probably never approach you to pursue it.

Why must we live with this facade of perfection? It doesn’t seem to benefit either one us for hidden flaws cannot be repaired. How can we possibly relate to one another or others if we are not able to share our mistakes, our hurts, and our frustrations? Why is it so difficult to let people in to the inner workings of our mind? Without transparency, we are like the clouds which hide the sunshine from our soul.

The next time I see you, I will notice your perfectly groomed hair, your flawless fingernails, your pristine designer bag and the poised way you carry yourself. We will nod and smile. But next time, if the hint of sadness still shows beneath the forced but natural looking smile, I will stop and show you that I care. Kind words or gentle touch…. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to see within my expression that I have internal shadows too and our familiar nods will become knowing glances that lead to lengthening conversations. And we will begin to open our hearts to letting others in, to sharing more of our souls and to the clarity that sharing our needs, faults and imperfections can bring. For as much as we are alike, so are others and we do not have to endure this life alone.

Blogging Blahs

I used to blog about every other day. Guess I had a lot to say back then. Or perhaps I just didn't care what I put out there for all the world to see. I'm becoming more guarded these days because of recent mistakes and heartaches. I hate to put out a negative or depressing blog because that's not what I'm all about! Even the title of my blog is all happy and sweet. But life isn't always polka dots and daisies.....

Sometimes I wonder - with all the negatvity around us in this crazy world - how we manage to block it out and go about our routine. How do we manage to ignore it and put on a happy face in spite of it all. But yet we do - most of the time. Is that being fake? Or is it being positive in effort to change the outlook on our little world? But what about being real? Sometimes it takes all the energy I have to put negative thoughts in the back of my mind. Sometimes, i just need a good outburst. OK - so I'm not the screaming type but a good cry can be so refreshing.

Problem is, I haven't had time to do that. Occasionally I feel it coming on and I run. I try to get out of the public eye to have a momentary private sob. And yet - once I get to my quiet place, I find the emotion surpressed and I am unable to surface it. I feel it welling up inside me yet it keeps getting squelched.

A friend reminded me last week that dread does not bring God joy. I would imagine sadness does not bring God joy either. If my purpose is to bring God joy, then what do I do with the hurt, the disappointment, the discontent and all the other fleshy emotions in my system? I don't think squelching them is the answer. I have to find a way to let God replace them with the good. I have to stop believing the lies I tell myself. I have to spend more time in the Word and really listen to what He is telling me instead of what the world is telling me. At times, this seems a daunting task and the mere thought sends me reeling with helplessness.

One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Practicing patience in effort to find peace.

Dependence Day

We grow up thinking independence is a good thing. We are taught from childhood skills we need to live on our own and how to handle things ourselves. The word independent is positive and strong - we even have a day we celebrate our independence from another country. Girls more than ever are taught this concept because for so many years women were dependent on men. That became an extreme negative! My mom was no feminist but even she ingrained in me the need to be able to support myself on my own - 'just in case'...... I was also taught that I could do or be anything I wanted to be. My independence and self confidence have always been a source of pride for me. I am now learning they are not necessarily my strengths.....

When I think about God, I also think about my role as a parent. I am God's child, therefore He loves me like I love my children. He is there to teach and to guide me. He has given me all the tools I need for survival but I am still a child! I have not attained adulthood in my Christian walk. I still need Him to hold my hand. I am beginning to see that our life on earth in a way is our 'raising'. Just as we raise our children to become adults, God is raising us to become adult Christians. Some mature more quickly than others. Some go at a slower pace. And some of us may be slightly retarded! The difference is that the goal of human parenting is independence while God's goal as our father is for us to become completely dependent.

This has been a difficult concept for me. I was raised to be independent and I am now raising my children to be independent. It's been my goal, my focus as long as I can remember. I am discovering that I cannot apply this concept in my spirtual journey. My control freak side has to go! I am not in charge and I cannot continue to try to 'do it myself'. As Dr. Phil might put it....it's just not working for me. And God didn't intend for it to work! I am discovering I am more like a strong willed two year old than a mature independent adult when it comes to spiritual matters. Good thing God is patient!

I was reading Romans 1 and thinking to myself - Why did God let them go? Why does He let us do shameful, harmful things to ourselves and others? Why did He give us free will after all? I'm learning that just as we have to let our own children go out into this world and learn and make mistakes of their own, God does this too. He lets us go so we can make mistakes and figure out that independence will get us nowhere. That as long as we live on earth, we ARE dependent. He wants us to be completely dependent on Him and Him alone. When we branch off and try to handle life ourselves, it isn't too long before we realize we are unhappy, discontent or just a complete mess. If we go this way too long, we end up finding out that we are completely lost. At this point we cry. We cry for our shepherd and it isn't long before He is there, picking us up and bringing us back to the flock.

This thought is going to be with me for awhile. I'm not sure I've grasped it completely so likely will be the source of a few blogs and may be a concept I struggle with for the rest of my life. It's not easy letting go. There's the cliche - "Let Go and Let God". It makes sense but isn't always easy to do.

Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." If that's not anti-independence, I don't know what is! How long have I known this verse and it's just now sinking in ?!?!