I am at home on a Sunday morning in July. That's very unusual behavior for me. It's church day. Church has been a part of my life since the beginning. I can't remember a time that I wasn't involved in church. I've been to many - switched denominations, visited with friends, watched online, listened on the radio, etc. There have been seasons in my life where church was a burden - another thing to do in my ever long list of "obligations". There have also been seasons where church was just routine, or maybe habit. There have been seasons where church was done only so my kids would have the experience. In fact, when I look back over my life I realize that the majority of my years were spent going to church for all the wrong reasons.
However, the last two years were the exception. My kids are now old enough that they can choose whether or not to go. I am no longer married so I don't have the spousal expectation that I attend. It has been completely my choice. No obligations to go, no need for routine attendance and no feelings of parental duty. I had the privilege of belonging to a congregation of incredibly loving and uplifting people so the choice was easy. I went because I wanted to.
I wanted to go for many reasons. I loved the people. I needed the social interaction. The pastors gave incredible messages that I needed to hear. I was able to participate in things I love - singing, teaching, learning and most of all fellowship. It helped complete me and contributed to my wholeness. The church accepted me when I was a mess, nurtured me back to health and then showed me ways I could do the same for others. I was able to give and receive - two very important things Christ asks of us.
But was that simply congregational? Before that two year season of my life, I really hadn't experienced that kind of church since high school. Or is it also in the timing? Churches experience highs and lows just like individuals do.
Whatever it is, it makes it doubly difficult to find a church now. Moving away from such an incredible congregation makes it hard not to expect to find it again somewhere new. I think I'm going to have to let go of the idealistic ideas in my mind - or at least archive them for awhile. I believe it is attainable again, but it may be that it has to be implemented somewhere new that may be in a slump or just getting started in learning about what makes outsiders feel wanted.
Churches suck at making people feel wanted.
But... look at me - throwing stones at the church from the comfort of my bed on a Sunday morning when I had every opportunity to go. It's not guilt I'm feeling though. It's discouragement. And although it may be understandable, it's simply not acceptable. How can I do anything about it if I don't put myself out there? I vowed to live life outside the box but I keep crawling back in. I am supposed to be the exception to the rule. May today's missed opportunity be the catalyst for new growth. No looking back, no projecting forward - just living in the moment day to day, thankful for the blessings in my life and knowing that God still holds me close to His heart - whether I stay in bed on a Sunday morning or trudge forward in my quest for a place to worship.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Workin' On a Smile
Sometimes you just have a bad day. Sometimes even though logic tells you that it will pass, it is still all consuming and it causes your otherwise positive outlook on life to veer to the negative. Even those things that were good yesterday begin to look a little, well..... blah.
Why is it that we have to have such highs and lows in life? Why does it have to be such a struggle to find every glass half full? Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes no matter in what light you see that glass, it still looks more empty than full.
How much of these deep valley days are self inflicted? Do we really choose our attitudes or do they just happen upon us?
There's more than one way to slice an apple. Do we remember to slice it so we see the star or do we more often just cut it to the core as quickly as we can so as to gobble it up and satisfy our cravings?
I believe that today I forgot to look for the star. I was too consumed by work, relationships, life in general to take time to slice the apple artfully. Not that I won't have bad days when I remember the star..... I just think the impact will be lessened. Maybe?
And perhaps I'm grasping at straws. I can't be all Pollyanna Sunshine all the time. I can't fill this whole blog with hope! Who does that? While in my gut I know that this is a moment that will pass and likely tomorrow I will be all happy again, there are just times when Debbie Downer has to show herself. Wah, Wah.
These are the moments that either make or break a woman. I'm pretty sturdy so I guess that means there's a project in the works..... Can you guess what it is?
Operation Take One Down - from the song:
‘Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie You work on a smile and you go for a ride. ~Daniel Powter.
Why is it that we have to have such highs and lows in life? Why does it have to be such a struggle to find every glass half full? Sometimes you can't help it. Sometimes no matter in what light you see that glass, it still looks more empty than full.
How much of these deep valley days are self inflicted? Do we really choose our attitudes or do they just happen upon us?
There's more than one way to slice an apple. Do we remember to slice it so we see the star or do we more often just cut it to the core as quickly as we can so as to gobble it up and satisfy our cravings?
I believe that today I forgot to look for the star. I was too consumed by work, relationships, life in general to take time to slice the apple artfully. Not that I won't have bad days when I remember the star..... I just think the impact will be lessened. Maybe?
And perhaps I'm grasping at straws. I can't be all Pollyanna Sunshine all the time. I can't fill this whole blog with hope! Who does that? While in my gut I know that this is a moment that will pass and likely tomorrow I will be all happy again, there are just times when Debbie Downer has to show herself. Wah, Wah.
These are the moments that either make or break a woman. I'm pretty sturdy so I guess that means there's a project in the works..... Can you guess what it is?
Operation Take One Down - from the song:
‘Cause you had a bad day, you're taking one down You sing a sad song just to turn it around You say you don't know, you tell me don't lie You work on a smile and you go for a ride. ~Daniel Powter.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Not What I Ordered
Ever been to a restaurant and ordered food but got something entirely different than what you expected? Are you disappointed or ready to try something new? Some of my favorite foods have happened upon me this way. I think I want one thing and then am presented another - only to find out that this new thing is soooooo much better than what I thought I wanted originally.
I think often our prayers work out that way too. We think we know what we want and ask God accordingly. Sometimes we get exactly what we ask for and other times.....eh, not so much. The thing I'm learning about those not so much moments is that more often than not - there is something even better around the corner - something I don't know about or understand yet. I think sometimes He has to prepare my palate to be ready to taste this sweeter thing that's in store for me. Perhaps I even have to swallow a few bitter morsels before I can truly appreciate the gift that's waiting.
I think that's sort of what is happening with me now. I think I put in an order for what I thought I wanted.... something that perhaps I've tasted before and thought I liked. Or maybe I looked at that big sweet cupcake thinking I wanted it and didn't realize that prime rib was not only more delicious but also more sustaining. Maybe my little girl side is still wishing for that fairy tale not realizing what a delight that epic novel could be. Really now..... who wants a tootsie roll when you could have an amazing 5 course meal? Not only would that meal provide more variety for the palate but it would also nourish the body in so many more ways.
Before I can appreciate that 5 course meal, I've got to get through a few nights of Taco Bell I guess..... And that's quite alright. It's those fast food nights that give me time to prepare for the big meal, time to write the entries of my epic novel, time to develop the taste buds needed to savor every morsel of love that life promises to bring.
Every life event is a gift - even those that hurt, even those that make us angry, even those that don't make sense. It's those things that make up our story, shape our thinking, create our masterpieces! True art does not come without difficulty and the most beautiful sites on earth were created from adverse conditions. God is just subtle like that. He wants us to connect the dots and see His hand in things; wants us to search for Him. It's then that we see how He really is there.
Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are my ways your ways declares the Lord.
1 Corinthians 13:13 Trust steadily in God. Hope unswervingly. LOVE extravagantly!
I think often our prayers work out that way too. We think we know what we want and ask God accordingly. Sometimes we get exactly what we ask for and other times.....eh, not so much. The thing I'm learning about those not so much moments is that more often than not - there is something even better around the corner - something I don't know about or understand yet. I think sometimes He has to prepare my palate to be ready to taste this sweeter thing that's in store for me. Perhaps I even have to swallow a few bitter morsels before I can truly appreciate the gift that's waiting.
I think that's sort of what is happening with me now. I think I put in an order for what I thought I wanted.... something that perhaps I've tasted before and thought I liked. Or maybe I looked at that big sweet cupcake thinking I wanted it and didn't realize that prime rib was not only more delicious but also more sustaining. Maybe my little girl side is still wishing for that fairy tale not realizing what a delight that epic novel could be. Really now..... who wants a tootsie roll when you could have an amazing 5 course meal? Not only would that meal provide more variety for the palate but it would also nourish the body in so many more ways.
Before I can appreciate that 5 course meal, I've got to get through a few nights of Taco Bell I guess..... And that's quite alright. It's those fast food nights that give me time to prepare for the big meal, time to write the entries of my epic novel, time to develop the taste buds needed to savor every morsel of love that life promises to bring.
Every life event is a gift - even those that hurt, even those that make us angry, even those that don't make sense. It's those things that make up our story, shape our thinking, create our masterpieces! True art does not come without difficulty and the most beautiful sites on earth were created from adverse conditions. God is just subtle like that. He wants us to connect the dots and see His hand in things; wants us to search for Him. It's then that we see how He really is there.
Isaiah 55:8 - For my thoughts are not your thoughts nor are my ways your ways declares the Lord.
1 Corinthians 13:13 Trust steadily in God. Hope unswervingly. LOVE extravagantly!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
The Things We Can't Have..... at least for now.
So I haven't written in almost 2 months...... that may be a record! There are perks to being busy I guess. The mind gets torn so many different directions that it doesn't have time to over-analyze the mysteries of life. I've been accused of thinking TOO much in the past - perhaps I'm now in a place where that is no longer a problem. Not a problem for those who accused me of that anyway - kind of an issue with me. I actually like to think. I like to have long conversations with others who like to think. I like to pinpoint exactly what I believe and sometimes that takes awhile - I'm fickle and sometimes easily influenced.
So I'm back with the new thing that's bothering me lately..... as you know, I tend to write about the things I need to work out in my head. For some reason, I'm questioning life again. I went through a good solid year at least of just accepting it, feeling content and going with the flow. Perhaps that's easy when things are going the way you want. And what's weird about this now is that things HAVE gone and ARE going just the way I would want them to...... to a degree. There are a few very minor things that I could request from God (and that I do ask for quite often) but overall I'm really happy. The move went smoothly, I love my house, I love Norman, work is satisfactory (never great) and the kids seem really happy too.
But..... there are things I miss and things I long for that seem very out of reach. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't get me down sometimes. I'm not going to list those things I miss or desire simply because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just want to know why.... What is it about human nature that makes us want the very thing we can't have OR want NOW what we know must take time. This whole instant gratification thing is frustrating me. I *know* that the most wonderful things in life are those that we have to wait for. Wait for it,,,,,waaaaaaaait for it! But instead of being a patient, mature adult - I am more like a 3 year old ready to throw a tantrum or that wants to ask why all the time? Why do I want it, Why can't I have it, or why can't I have it now?
And then my good old friend guilt enters the picture and throws daggers at me. How petty am I that I'm having a pity party over things I don't even need when there are so many who have lost everything in the recent tornadoes. They don't even have everything they NEED and here I am being selfish about a simple desire. What is wrong with me?
I guess I have become a little too self absorbed and I hate that! For instance, I realized today as I visited another church that I am approaching it the wrong way. I am looking for the church of the what-can-you-do-for-me instead of searching for a place where I can serve! I tend to look at all the activities these churches offer and gauge them by how interesting the activities appear. Instead, I need to look for the congregation I can see myself relating to, the place where I can plug in and actively participate - instead of being like a baby bird in a nest who looks at mama bird saying "feed me, feed me". When I left Elk, I felt like I was taking flight...... my baby bird days are history!
Similarly, I have regressed in my life. How has this happened? I have let life become about me and it's just not designed to be that way. I am not here on this earth to make my own life better - what's the point of that? I'm here to love, here to serve, here to care and here because Jesus no longer is. Of course, God is everywhere but we really can't sense Him or feel Him - well, most of us can't. The way we experience God is through people. People who know love the way God designed it, people who show love the way Jesus lived it, people who know how to love in action rather than get caught up in love the emotion.
So..... I need to get out of the box again. I know I'm right where I am supposed to be - fully, 100% confident in that. However, I'm missing some things and they are not things that are just going to come to me. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do a few things that I may not like initially. I simply can't go on this way - it's not healthy. I hesitate because life is already complicated so how in the world do I fit in more activity? I just do - because I need to - and the rest will work itself out. If I get outside myself for a bit, maybe just maybe, those things I long for and am waiting for will work themselves out even sooner than I think. As much as I want this life to be all about me, that's simply not where it's at, nor where it should be.
So I'm back with the new thing that's bothering me lately..... as you know, I tend to write about the things I need to work out in my head. For some reason, I'm questioning life again. I went through a good solid year at least of just accepting it, feeling content and going with the flow. Perhaps that's easy when things are going the way you want. And what's weird about this now is that things HAVE gone and ARE going just the way I would want them to...... to a degree. There are a few very minor things that I could request from God (and that I do ask for quite often) but overall I'm really happy. The move went smoothly, I love my house, I love Norman, work is satisfactory (never great) and the kids seem really happy too.
But..... there are things I miss and things I long for that seem very out of reach. I'd be lying to say that it doesn't get me down sometimes. I'm not going to list those things I miss or desire simply because I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I just want to know why.... What is it about human nature that makes us want the very thing we can't have OR want NOW what we know must take time. This whole instant gratification thing is frustrating me. I *know* that the most wonderful things in life are those that we have to wait for. Wait for it,,,,,waaaaaaaait for it! But instead of being a patient, mature adult - I am more like a 3 year old ready to throw a tantrum or that wants to ask why all the time? Why do I want it, Why can't I have it, or why can't I have it now?
And then my good old friend guilt enters the picture and throws daggers at me. How petty am I that I'm having a pity party over things I don't even need when there are so many who have lost everything in the recent tornadoes. They don't even have everything they NEED and here I am being selfish about a simple desire. What is wrong with me?
I guess I have become a little too self absorbed and I hate that! For instance, I realized today as I visited another church that I am approaching it the wrong way. I am looking for the church of the what-can-you-do-for-me instead of searching for a place where I can serve! I tend to look at all the activities these churches offer and gauge them by how interesting the activities appear. Instead, I need to look for the congregation I can see myself relating to, the place where I can plug in and actively participate - instead of being like a baby bird in a nest who looks at mama bird saying "feed me, feed me". When I left Elk, I felt like I was taking flight...... my baby bird days are history!
Similarly, I have regressed in my life. How has this happened? I have let life become about me and it's just not designed to be that way. I am not here on this earth to make my own life better - what's the point of that? I'm here to love, here to serve, here to care and here because Jesus no longer is. Of course, God is everywhere but we really can't sense Him or feel Him - well, most of us can't. The way we experience God is through people. People who know love the way God designed it, people who show love the way Jesus lived it, people who know how to love in action rather than get caught up in love the emotion.
So..... I need to get out of the box again. I know I'm right where I am supposed to be - fully, 100% confident in that. However, I'm missing some things and they are not things that are just going to come to me. I have to get out of my comfort zone and do a few things that I may not like initially. I simply can't go on this way - it's not healthy. I hesitate because life is already complicated so how in the world do I fit in more activity? I just do - because I need to - and the rest will work itself out. If I get outside myself for a bit, maybe just maybe, those things I long for and am waiting for will work themselves out even sooner than I think. As much as I want this life to be all about me, that's simply not where it's at, nor where it should be.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
10 days and counting
I have about 10 days left in Elk City and I can honestly say that I've never felt such opposite emotions consecutively in my entire life. When change occurs, I'm usually all for it or completely dreading it. This time it's different. It's different not just in the fact that I have conflicting feelings but it's different in that there is no question in my mind that it's what I need to do. In the past, I have initiated change with some hesitancy and then even second guessed it afterward. This time, in spite of my sadness over leaving, I'm certain this is exactly what is best...... for me, for the kids, for all involved.
I'm incredibly excited while at the same time overwhelmed by sentiment. I see new opportunities, new friendships and new discoveries where I'm headed; but I see cherished memories, loving friendships and comfortable familiarity that I'm leaving behind. The new location is full of potential but this community has nurtured me and helped me grow into the woman I am today.
Western Oklahoma has indeed become a part of me and a section of my heart will always be reserved for those I've known and loved here. I know logically that it's not really good-bye because I will keep in touch with so many, but any time change is coming I think it's good to take a few moments to mourn what is no longer going to be the norm. So much I will miss..... I once read a book about grief that pointed out if something wasn't important to you, there would be no need to mourn. This community must have been a big deal, because I'm already feeling the loss.
Over the next few days I will be getting around to a few short notes about my nearest and dearest here in Elk. They may be sappy and sentimental so take a little vacation from reading for a bit if that bothers you. Otherwise, get the tissues out. My heart is needing to bleed a bit.
I'm incredibly excited while at the same time overwhelmed by sentiment. I see new opportunities, new friendships and new discoveries where I'm headed; but I see cherished memories, loving friendships and comfortable familiarity that I'm leaving behind. The new location is full of potential but this community has nurtured me and helped me grow into the woman I am today.
Western Oklahoma has indeed become a part of me and a section of my heart will always be reserved for those I've known and loved here. I know logically that it's not really good-bye because I will keep in touch with so many, but any time change is coming I think it's good to take a few moments to mourn what is no longer going to be the norm. So much I will miss..... I once read a book about grief that pointed out if something wasn't important to you, there would be no need to mourn. This community must have been a big deal, because I'm already feeling the loss.
Over the next few days I will be getting around to a few short notes about my nearest and dearest here in Elk. They may be sappy and sentimental so take a little vacation from reading for a bit if that bothers you. Otherwise, get the tissues out. My heart is needing to bleed a bit.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
They Must Have Missed Him
It's Easter Sunday. I realized that this is my last Easter Sunday in Elk City. In fact, I only have 3 more Sundays here. I've known for quite some time that this was coming and as the time draws closer, I have noticed myself becoming more and more conflicted in my feelings about that.
I love this church. I love the worship styles offered. I love the doctrine. I love the fellowship opportunities. I love the pastors. But most of all, I love the people that make up the heart of our congregation. This church, as a whole, has been the sharpest example of Jesus I have ever known. And I mean EVER.
And although I am extremely excited about the new opportunities life will bring with my upcoming move, I am also extremely distraught over leaving the people that I love so much. Of course, it is not really goodbye because I will have opportunities to visit and will most certainly stay in touch with many of them. But it can never, ever be the same. I don't just see an exciting new future in my new location, but I also see exciting new things that are happening here with this church and it hurts to know that I will not be a part of those.
The premise of Easter just amplifies my conflicted emotion. I think of Jesus, his disciples, his friends and his family. He informed them of all the changes to come but it was difficult for them to really grasp the concept or understand what He was trying to tell them. As the crucifixion approached, they saw signs and began to be apprehensive. Then, on that most horrifying Friday, it all came to pass. They knew that life had changed forever. I would think that the mourning for Him began even before that day and intensified afterward. I would also think that once He arose, they knew it was all so bittersweet. It is significant that He showed Himself to them - to give them hope. But I would also think that it increased the grief for a time. If they loved Him like we love our dearest, they would have been happy to know He was in a good place where suffering no longer existed and that He was preparing a place for them, but they also must have ached for His company, missed His words of wisdom and longed to hug or kiss Him just one more time.
I would also think that as they began to heal from their grief, they found themselves stronger and somewhat inspired by the example His life was to them. They would begin to remember just what His loving words meant to them and they would begin to seek a life that would honor His. They would also realize that even though He was no longer physically with them, that He was with them in their hearts and souls and would be for the rest of their lives.
I can only think that this is what has happened in my experience with this great church family that I have been extremely blessed to know and love. It hurts my heart to leave, but yet I know the grief I feel will only lead to the fondest of memories and the inspiration to continue living their legacy. It will cause me to go forward in ways that would honor not only the people that nurtured me, but to empower me to pay forward the ways that have grown me into the woman God would want me to be.
It is rare to find a church that truly "gets it" but once you have, it can only inspire you to live out its example. I don't know for sure what my future holds, but I know that I have seen Jesus here and I know that because of that my life is changed. I will greatly miss this church but there is part of it that will always be with me helping me to make wise choices and look for loving ways to live their legacy. I have known others who feel the same as I - whom have gone other places and continued to live in a way that honors this congregation, and in turn, honors Jesus as well.
Much like I will never have the words to show the appropriate amount of gratitude to God for the gift of His grace, I can't find the words to show the amount of love I have for these people. Because of that, I must live in a way that they know that they have left their mark on me; just like we all must live in a way that shows the mark of Christ on our souls.
There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that is heavy on my mind today. This is how I hope to live out the gratitude and appreciation I have for those who have held me in their palms and nurtured me to a new life:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I love this church. I love the worship styles offered. I love the doctrine. I love the fellowship opportunities. I love the pastors. But most of all, I love the people that make up the heart of our congregation. This church, as a whole, has been the sharpest example of Jesus I have ever known. And I mean EVER.
And although I am extremely excited about the new opportunities life will bring with my upcoming move, I am also extremely distraught over leaving the people that I love so much. Of course, it is not really goodbye because I will have opportunities to visit and will most certainly stay in touch with many of them. But it can never, ever be the same. I don't just see an exciting new future in my new location, but I also see exciting new things that are happening here with this church and it hurts to know that I will not be a part of those.
The premise of Easter just amplifies my conflicted emotion. I think of Jesus, his disciples, his friends and his family. He informed them of all the changes to come but it was difficult for them to really grasp the concept or understand what He was trying to tell them. As the crucifixion approached, they saw signs and began to be apprehensive. Then, on that most horrifying Friday, it all came to pass. They knew that life had changed forever. I would think that the mourning for Him began even before that day and intensified afterward. I would also think that once He arose, they knew it was all so bittersweet. It is significant that He showed Himself to them - to give them hope. But I would also think that it increased the grief for a time. If they loved Him like we love our dearest, they would have been happy to know He was in a good place where suffering no longer existed and that He was preparing a place for them, but they also must have ached for His company, missed His words of wisdom and longed to hug or kiss Him just one more time.
I would also think that as they began to heal from their grief, they found themselves stronger and somewhat inspired by the example His life was to them. They would begin to remember just what His loving words meant to them and they would begin to seek a life that would honor His. They would also realize that even though He was no longer physically with them, that He was with them in their hearts and souls and would be for the rest of their lives.
I can only think that this is what has happened in my experience with this great church family that I have been extremely blessed to know and love. It hurts my heart to leave, but yet I know the grief I feel will only lead to the fondest of memories and the inspiration to continue living their legacy. It will cause me to go forward in ways that would honor not only the people that nurtured me, but to empower me to pay forward the ways that have grown me into the woman God would want me to be.
It is rare to find a church that truly "gets it" but once you have, it can only inspire you to live out its example. I don't know for sure what my future holds, but I know that I have seen Jesus here and I know that because of that my life is changed. I will greatly miss this church but there is part of it that will always be with me helping me to make wise choices and look for loving ways to live their legacy. I have known others who feel the same as I - whom have gone other places and continued to live in a way that honors this congregation, and in turn, honors Jesus as well.
Much like I will never have the words to show the appropriate amount of gratitude to God for the gift of His grace, I can't find the words to show the amount of love I have for these people. Because of that, I must live in a way that they know that they have left their mark on me; just like we all must live in a way that shows the mark of Christ on our souls.
There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that is heavy on my mind today. This is how I hope to live out the gratitude and appreciation I have for those who have held me in their palms and nurtured me to a new life:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Change is good, Life is good.
I haven't written in awhile mostly because life is so crazy busy. I never in a million years thought that I would become one of those moms who has something every night! And .... I probably wouldn't be if I weren't dividing my time between Elk City and Norman. But that has been a good change - so good, in fact that Norman is going to be my new home in about 5 weeks. I would like to think that life might slow down a bit once I get there, but I'm afraid it may just get busier. And - I'm ok with that!
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
The other reason I probably haven't written is that things are changing so rapidly that I can't keep up. My life is on uncharted territory at the moment. Everything I'm experiencing is all new to me and things are happening so quickly that I haven't had time to fully process them. It's all good though. I see this as progress. I am no longer mourning my former life but excited about the new life I'm headed toward. The winter has passed and spring has come!
There have been a couple of times in my life that I have really been able to say that I'm proud of myself. When I graduated from high school, I accomplished a goal that I had set for myself in 7th grade. I graduated with honors and had earned straight A's all through school. It felt really good to get that honor! Then, in my mid-30's I realized that a lot of my unhappiness at the time was due to extra weight I had carried around for 12 years. I set a goal to to lose 80 lbs and I accomplished that over a year's time. My reward was in feeling better both physically and emotionally. That was when I began to see the real me emerge again after years of feeling invisible.
The real me has continued to emerge and although I haven't had any set goals over the last couple of years, I have had the obstacle in dealing with the fallout from divorce. Divorce was a choice I made out of desparation - I felt out of control and trapped in a pattern of unhappiness and dysfunction. I have questioned that choice many times and I suppose that at some point, I did desire to attain a level of happiness by making that choice and perhaps I set some sort of undefined goal to get there. In packing up a few things from my office, I found a piece of paper I had written on in church a year ago. Pastor Terry had preached on graduation (it was that time of year) and he said - "Sometimes it's not about making the right choice. It's about making the choice right." That statement has given me so much comfort and peace. It was then I knew that it didn't matter whether my method of seeking a new life was right or wrong; it was that my heart had been in the right place all along. I can honestly say God has used my heart, not my choices to change my life. I no longer agonize about my decisions because I'm going to make some stupid ones. However, if my heart is pure and in the right place, God will still use those choices - right, wrong or indifferent - for good.
So where does that put me now? I have to say that I feel proud of myself again. I have done some pretty hard work over the last two years. Grieving is not easy and it takes time, patience and a lot of prayer. I look at the me before this process and the me after and see a HUGE difference. I no longer second guess every decision I make and I have found a path to peace and most of all JOY. I have learned that contentment IS attainable, even when life throws it's curves at us. Some would say this new attitude is simply maturity but I don't think so. I know many mature adults who stuggle constantly in the quest for contentment.
I've made some pretty major decisions over the last few months and they are all getting ready to happen. The old me would have been stewing and fretting. This me is not. This me is crazy excited and ready for it to just keep falling into place. I can't even describe how happy I have been with the way things are taking shape. But I can't say that it's all me. I can't really be proud of myself without giving credit to my Father - who has held me in His palm, healed me and is now releasing me to fly!
And I can't say that I won't need to crawl up into His palm again one day - but for now, life is good. So will I continue to write? Yes. I'm just not sure how often. We'll see after I get moved and settled. I will be in the middle of many changes: new location, daughter graduating, finding a church, getting Drew into a new school, and most of all MORE time with Bill! That's the icing on my cake. I love that man :)
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