The Good Fight

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 2 Timothy 4:7

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:12

What is up with Timothy and fighting?

Actually I'm beginning to get it.  I always thought I was a lover not a fighter - but I've lately found enough spunk and vigor to be a lil bit scrappy!  You better pack a lunch!

I have learned that the fight can be a good thing and there are certainly things in life that are worth fighting for.  However, what happens when we don't win the fight?  What happens when what we hoped for doesn't become our reality?  When dreams are dashed, promises broken, courage crashes......  then what?

The normal and natural thing is to look at our failures and fall into discouragement.  To see everything little thing we did wrong or that we could have done better.  To nit-pick at our flaws and shortcomings and begin feeling like we are worthless - unvalued and unable to fight ever again.  Weak.  Fragile.  Broken.

But it's not our failures that signify the end of the fight!  In fact, they are our training.  You see - we didn't lose or fail:  we simply got knocked down!  (insert that song - I get knocked down, but I get up again - you're never gonna keep me down)  It's at these times its important to nurse our wounds and contemplate our mistakes but instead of feeling like we failed, we must have faith that we will be up again and fighting once more.  (now I need the Rocky theme song).  

If you're not currently in fight mode then that means you should be training - because rest assured, your fight is coming.  Life is a series of battles that we face - some physical, some spiritual and many many emotional.  We don't always know when they will hit so its important to be in the best shape you can be - or the knocks and blows may take you out of the game much longer than you planned.  Put on the armor of faith and study up on your Trainer - Phil 4;13 (I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me).  Acknowledge His presence and accept the gift of His ability to help you on to victory.

You may not see victory in this lifetime - but it's coming as long as you fight the good fight.  Don't worry about weakness - because that's the only way to become strong.

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

How big a boy are ya?  ~wink

Windows.

When you're 40 something and single, there are a lot of open windows.  Many times when you find yourself in this position, it is because some door has closed so I'm borrowing from the cliche "When God closes a door, He opens a window".  Thing is, He doesn't just open A window - He opens ALL THE WINDOWS!

At first, I found myself staring that the closed door, running back to it - trying to open it, picking the lock and even attempting to kick the thing in.  I hurt myself doing that - in a big way.  I nursed my wounds however and decided to hibernate for awhile.  I slept through a few obvious open windows at that time but luckily I didn't miss anything.  I realized I needed that time to build up the confidence to start looking at all the windows and picking one to climb out of.

Some of the open windows are beautiful and show a calm sunny day waiting to happen.  Other windows are dark but you can see the glistening stars and bright moon through them.  Some are cloudy and grey with a storm brewing behind them - but yet they appear so intriguing, you want to chase that storm and smell the rain as it begins to fall.  I also notice windows that blow forceful winds into my dwelling - winds that brush my cheek and whisper quiet poems on my heart.  And then there are also windows that show a world so big and scary that it makes me want to run back to the old door and kick it some more!

Whatever window grabs me at the moment is certainly worth the consideration and I'm enjoying the views from all of them.  However, eventually I will choose one out of which to climb.  Am I still afraid?  Of course!  But I am comforted by the fact, that if I leave my dwelling through a window - that window remains open until I decide to close it.  The door may have been closed for me or even by me but it will remain just that.  It's just not smart to go back in the same door that closed behind you - especially if you want to go forward in life.  Going forward requires some window shopping before the journey and I'm happy for the opportunities to consider all my options - without lamenting over closed doors.

Windows are transparent and clear.   I think it's time I enjoyed the view out of each one.  The opportunities are endless even if overwhelming at times but I'm thankful they are open - just for me - until I decide when its time to close them. 

1+1=1?

I read this interesting excerpt from Dr. Myles Monroe today:
 God designed people to be single.* He explains, "People walk around with a tremendous misconception of what it means to be single. Singleness, in its basic definition, means to be separate, unique, and whole. To be single means you are separate from everyone else, and you are unique in yourself-which means you recognize there's no one like you, and you have worth within yourself. To be single also means you are whole; you don't depend on other people to make you somebody. Until a person is completely single in these three areas, his or her relationships will always be a problem."
[* Dr. Munroe's definition of being "single" does not refer the the world's concept of singleness, but rather being complete and whole in Christ (rather than needing another person to complete your identity).]

That certainly cancels out the romanticism in the line from the movie Jerry McGuire...."you complete me".  But if there is anything I've learned by being single it is just the opposite - NOBODY can complete me!  No human anyway.  That is only done through Christ - just as Dr. Monroe points out above.

What I had never put together, however, is that God designed people to be single - regardless of marital status.  I've heard of the gift of singleness - but that is an entirely different concept.  God designed me to be AMY.  He did not design me to be Les and Dixie's daughter, Jeff's sister, Justin's ex-wife, or Anna and Drew's mom.  He made me to be ME!  Logically I've known this I guess but I have become so distracted with the relationships in my life, that I had forgotten.  I let my priority be everyone else and forgot who I really was along the way.  

When I look back in hindsight, it makes perfect sense.  I have always had a hard time just being me.  I looked to other people for my identity and sense of worth.  I did everything I could to please others and avoid conflict. While in the midst of all that, I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  The answer was probably obvious but I was too distracted to realize it.

God certainly has a way of humbling us, doesn't he?  Sometimes when we refuse to see reality, He has to thump us on the head with it.

In order to see what He wanted for me as a single, whole person - He had to literally make me SINGLE.  Seems He had to dumb it down for me.  And I fought it for many, many years - probably even took my search way too far and could have avoided some super big boo-boos along the way if I just could have understood this concept before.

So Ok God.... I get it now!  And thank you!  It has been a pretty hard lesson but so valuable.  It's a difficult concept because it does not follow traditional mathematical rules.  1+1=1 in relationships.  You must have two whole people to be truly united as one in marriage.  I will admit I was not whole when I married so therefore we were never "One" with each other.

Now do I think one has to be unmarried to learn this?  Not at all. I wish I could have understood before I had to go through divorce.  However - I trust God's ways and I know He's led me down this path for a reason.  What I take away is the encouragement that next time I commit to a relationship, I will be WHOLE and complete and that should make all the difference.  Two halves don't always make a whole --- especially if Christ isn't in the union.  In fact, without Christ no one can be whole.  I know I was only half the woman I needed to be but GOD completes me, not men.  What I can't imagine is how much better can a relationship be with a man who feels the same way and has experienced wholeness in Christ as well.  Now THAT'S sexy......

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11-13).

Because I am His.

I often wonder where I might be *if* this or that hadn't happened and also like to do the *what if* dance in my head.  However - that's all a waste of energy and emotion.

I am here today for a reason.

And on this day, I have prepared to leave on a journey.  This time, to Alaska - a land unknown to me - to do unknown work.  To just be there and be ready to do whatever is asked of me, whenever it is asked.  I don't know what kind of schedule I will be on and I don't know what I will be eating or even where I'll be sleeping but yet I don't need to.  I am not in charge.  And honestly - that feels pretty wonderful.  I have no worries.  I know my needs will be met.

Now - if one could rewind my life back a few years I would never have been this calm before such an ambiguous journey.  I would have been tense and nervous and CRANKY.  At that time in my life, never would I have given up precious vacation days from work to go with a group of crazy teenagers on a 7 hour flight to a place where it is COLD and RAINY in the middle of July.  I would have stewed and fretted over what tasks I might be given and whether or not I could accomplish them.  I would have been up in arms over the fact that I would be sleeping on an air mattress, not knowing when or if I might get a shower on any given day.  AND I would have lamented over the fact that this was no vacation and I would get no rest - it would be like work for me and why in the world I would have agreed to take such a trip with annoying teenagers.

My, my, my....... how things have changed.

Not only am I more than calm.  I chose this and I'm EXCITED!  I can't wait to get to know these kids better and to see a new spot in our great USA that I might not otherwise ever see.

But you know what's even better?  I get to go and do what God would have me do - and just be available for HIM - for a change!   He's always there when I need Him.  This time I pay it forward...... in His name.

Because I am His.

Having a moment.

Taking time to remember the moment that changed everything.

Still knowing that in spite of all logic, the choices made were best.

Trusting God had a plan in it all and still does.

Reflecting on times of precious affection.

Locking away sacred memories in my heart.

It IS Well......

I remember what it was like to have no more tears left....   to be numb, dull, void of emotion.  I remember what it was like to be bored -what it was like to have absolutely no feeling at all.  I remember feeling lonely even though I had people all around me and feeling like I no longer played a part in my own life.  I remember the feeling of forgotten passion, wasted dreams and forelorn futures.

And I remember wishing....no longing..... for MORE.

OH how life has changed!

I can't exactly call it better......YET.  But it is most certainly different.

I've done more crying in the last year than I have done in all 39 years leading up to it.  I am no longer numb - quite the opposite:  sometimes full of gut wrenching pain but other times full of absolute bliss.  While I may be at my lowest low one day, I see my highest peak the next!  My feelings run the gamut and are like a colorful rainbow after a very dark stormy day.  The emotion is like a beautiful prism that glistens new designs onto the canvas of my soul.

Passion has been awakened, dreams have been revived and future is full of possibility.

There are no more dead end roads but many new and open territories.  Scary?  Perhaps - but also intriguing.

I am free.  Unchained.  Unleashed.  Unglued.  Undone. Untangled. 

But yet.....  broken, still.  And waiting - hoping - knowing that someday all will be fixed.  All will be well.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

On Being Happy....

I woke up happy this morning.  It then dawned on me I have been happy all week.  Then I began to realize that happiness looms in the background pretty much all the time and sometimes all it takes is the ability to recognize it.

But oh no.....  this is no Susie Sunshine blog.  I am certainly not here to remind you to always look at the glass as half full...   Nope.  I just don't believe in that.   That is a falsehood.  And to some degree I feel the effort to put a positive spin on everything in life is a total and complete lie.  We've been fed a line of crap that happiness is all in our attitude.  I just don't buy it.

If you are constantly looking for the half full glass, then you are denying yourself the victory in conquering adversity.  

Let's face it - sometimes life just sucks.  Sometimes it's just too daunting a task to find silver linings in the clouds that come our way.  Sometimes we truly need to wallow in our self pity.  There's a healing aspect to that and tears are so very cleansing.

If we deny ourselves those negative emotions, we glaze over our true selves.  Denying our true emotions does nothing but cause us to lose our identity. 

It's true there is a danger in that type of thinking - it's called depression.  It's real and its a definite battle.  But it does not have to be a defeat.  Even in the midst of that deep hole of depression, there are rays of sunshine.  Getting out of that hole requires seeing those and recognizing them for what they are.  That then produces a chain reaction and those rays become more noticeable.  The more you acknowledge those beautiful glistening rays of sunshine that touch your life, the closer you are to being out of that hole - until one day you look around you and the world is at your fingertips.  You push into that final boost out of the hole and you begin to walk around again......   seeing the light.....  feeling the peace.

There's nothing like the calm after a storm.  Nothing like the victory after a very tense, close ballgame.  Those are things we love to feel.  Sometimes all it takes to get there is recognizing that it is indeed within our grasp.

So yes - choose happiness - but don't forget to acknowledge what's real.  Take time to feel the rainbow of your emotions.  It enhances our good days and provides strength for the bad ones.