Pushing through the Pain

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.” ~Paul Coelho


“Pain and death are part of life. To reject them is to reject life itself.” ~Havelock Ellis


“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.” ~Robert Gary Lee


“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain.” ~ Saint Bartholomew


“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain” ~William Faulkner


“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.” ~Sophocles


“When thought becomes excessively painful, action is the finest remedy” ~Salman Rushdie


WOW!  I could keep going on these pain quotes..... the list is endless.  As I have been taking inventory of all my jumbled up emotion lately, I began to realize that it is all a form of pain.  I've suffered long enough!


I didn't realize earlier this week that when I decided to replace the passion of anger with the passion of love that it was actually a remedy to take care of the pain in my life.  It just seemed like the only thing I hadn't tried.  These quotes have confirmed to me that I am on the right course.


When I explained to a friend what action I have decided to take regarding the intense emotion I've been feeling, she was concerned.  When I told her how I was going to love - deliberately and intentionally the person who has hurt me most - she remarked "It's going to hurt."  I agreed and told her I was aware of that but that I'm not afraid of hurting.  It was hard for me to verbalize why - although snippets from some of the quotes above were running through my mind.  You see - I believe that after one has dealt with pain, they then develop a tolerance or strength over it.  I particularly love Saint Bartholomew's quote.....  we all tend to try to avoid pain but that is actually pointless.  We can't avoid pain - it just happens.  We can try to ignore it or stuff it away but eventually it surfaces.  Once we deal with it, we become stronger.   What we don't realize when we are in pain, is that once we get through it, we come out ahead - and we begin to feel all that we are beyond the pain and experience the wisdom that comes with that.


The last two quotes above will keep me focused over the next few months while I love intentionally and deliberately - choosing to take action.  Choosing to love - not look for love but actually do the loving - without expectation, without assumption and without looking back.  Sometimes the pain will seep back in and I will fail and falter just a bit - but I will then embrace the pain, feel every ounce of it and heal.

By loving him, I in turn love myself and become more aware of who I am.  No matter the outcome, I gain victory in more ways than one.

Love and War

My week has had two very vivid themes going: Anger and Love.  Nary the two should mix, right?  However..... I'm learning that the two emotions are very similar and actually feed off one another in many ways.  Thing is, if you let one overpower the other - there will be a death.  If you choose to feed the anger, love will die.  BUT if you choose to feed the love, the anger will die!  If you linger in the state of balancing the two - feeding them both - keeping them strong - they become toxic to your system and eventually YOU will die.

I'm really beginning to understand how the concept of being luke warm angers God.  When we are luke warm, we have no passion.  Passion feeds action!  Anger and love are both passions of the heart.  Anger can be healthy to a degree but if we let it fester, it becomes the root of bitterness and resentment.  Love however, is never unhealthy - not ever!  Love is the purest, most powerful weapon we have against many ailments of the heart.

I'm not just talking about love - the emotion.  The noun form of the word is the sappy, love story aspect of it. It's all nice and good, but it often isn't real.  The only way love is real is if it becomes a conscious, intentional effort.  The world gets us all wrapped up in the emotion of love, but often glazes over the importance of the verb form.....  the ACTION of LOVE.

We may think love comes easy to us.  I often say "I love LOVE"....  and I do - but what I'm referring to there are sappy love stories and love songs and the feeling of being in love.  That does come easy - who doesn't want to feel the love?!?

But how many of us are really ready to give love?   You may think you have love to give - but that's only when thinking about the feeling aspect of it.  How easy is it it love someone when part of you really just wants to hate them?  How easy is it to love someone when all you are feeling from them is indifference?  How easy is it to love someone when you feel that they no longer love you back?

Well - I, my friends, can tell you from experience that it's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.  But because God says to love.....  I am going to do what He says.  Because God said I can fix this problem for you but I need your help - then I will love.  One of His greatest commandments is love....  not to feel the love but to GIVE the love.  Will my love be returned?  I have no idea.  That is beside the point.  I know that if I do what God says, He will fix this pattern of limbo I've been in.  He will bring me out of the desert and into His promised land if I will put a conscious effort and true focus into loving my person.

It is a battle....  there are weapons of self doubt being thrown from every direction.  I battle my own will at times.  I battle worldly influences - both influences to myself and influences to one I love.  But I know I'm worth it and more importantly, I know he's worth it.  So my praying peeps, if you believe in love the verb - pray me through this.  You are part of my armor, along with faith, hope, and scripture.  I am fighting to the death....  the death of anger, bitterness and resentment so that only three remain - faith, hope and love.

Passion Unleashed

"I'd rather you hate me than be indifferent about me - at least there's passion in that".

I said those very words to someone 2 days ago.  And I meant every word.  It doesn't matter to me what that person does with those words.  What matters is what I do with them.  Perhaps hate is a strong word - but it's also a strong feeling.  The same is true of love.

I have tried indifference.  It works well for some people in my lives but for others it's simply impossible.  I can't help the passion that runs through my veins when I feel something intensely about someone.  However, I can channel that passion into something good.  Someone I'm extremely passionate about has hurt me and continues to try to hurt me.  The relationship between us is over and I know it's for the best.

However, I haven't known what to do with all that leftover passion.  I can't simply transfer it to another person - my heart doesn't work that way.  So I have chosen the only other thing I know to do..... unleash it!  I'm letting it go - letting it flow freely - and letting it be channeled at the one it was intended for.  I'm doing this with no cap or filter until I have nothing left.  I have been building walls, trying to hold it in - but that isn't working....  instead it is smothering me.  If I keep it in, it may very well kill me and I'm not about to let that happen.

So....  I'm letting out this reserved love and letting it flow freely into the air. When it is gone, there will be no more but it will be replaced with something new, something healthy, something real. 

Grumble grumble

I know the majority of my blog posts are lessons I've learned or am in the process of learning - but sometimes the lesson is difficult to find.  Sometimes life throws so many daggers at you that you just can't dodge them all and you end up getting hit.....right through the heart.  

I've been tip toeing along so carefully - deliberately planting each step in my journey....  seeking direction and wisdom when all of a sudden the forest got deep and dark and scary.  And right now - all I want to do is step into a cave and hide. 

And then verses like the following hit me on the head:

“Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

I can look for things to be thankful for all day long.....  and I find them and I AM truly thankful.  However, being cheerful in the midst of a deep, dark, cold forest is beyond me.  I am not cheerful lately.  I feel persecuted, misunderstood and misled.   AND....  I know its NOT from God.  Honestly though - I am running out of fight.  I am weary, worn and beat down.

This is when I let God pick me up and carry me right?  All I can hope is that He really is doing this.  I do trust Him and I do know that he will use this time in my life for a reason - even if my feelings are not from Him.  He can still take my bad stuff and mix it, mold it  - make it into something beautiful.... someday....  in His time.  For now, I hope to remain moldable and not get hard and rigid.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way! Thou art the Potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me after Thy will, While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Avoiding the issues.....

Yesterday was awful.  Worst day I've had in a long time.  It began awful and was awful all day long.....bad, bad, bad.  On my drive home from OKC, I felt extremely defeated.  There are many many things not going the way I would like them to right now.  However....  I am choosing to be thankful for this time in my life because God is still working - still doing something behind the scenes that I don't realize.  My hope is in Him and I will not let go of that.  So sometimes it seems that strife comes to us and we can't do anything about it.  That's just wrong.  Today I see that it tried to come my way but I'm going to avoid it and here's how:

1. Lips:   The wrong words spoken at the wrong time can cause unnecessary stress.  I choose to speak of positive things and choose affirming words.

2. Pride:    Proud hearts want the last word.  I choose to realize that silence is golden.  I do not have the need to be "right" or get the last word in.

3. Opinion:    Trying to convince others of my viewpoint does no good.  My opinion should only be offered if I am asked directly.  Otherwise I should listen and be supportive, encouraging as often as possible.

The other issues that I deal with have nothing to do with communication but more to do with attitude so I have to watch my internal dialogue as well.  What I perceive as bad news from my doctor does not have to be bad!  I have to discontinue the only medication that has worked for me since I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis and yesterday the doctor added the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia to my record.  I was initially upset with this - not having realized that some of my symptoms were indicative of this secondary disease.  However, the doctor helped me see the bright side of it in that having the 2nd diagnosis opens me up for more treatment options than I had before.  This could be a very good thing.  I was skeptical about Remicade in the beginning but look how well it worked for 5 years.  I'm thankful for those 5 years of health and perhaps that there is something even better for me.  Perhaps my new treatment could even be protecting me from some of the bad side effects of the Remicade.  That's just how I choose to see it!

I claim Romans 12:12 today:

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. 

I particularly like the last part of that verse:  Help the needy Christians, be inventive in hospitality.  I'm looking forward to a great weekend celebrating my son's confirmation at church.  He is one of my greatest blessings and I can't think of a better reason to get together with friends and family to rejoice in his decision!   I have so many blessings to consider - so many things to be thankful for.  In spite of all the yucky things, there are way more that are good.  This is what joy is.....  proper perspective even when things are not the way we think they should be.  It's also what faith is....  knowing God's got this in the midst of our worry.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.

Ignorance is bliss

There are many times I've used the statement "Ignorance is bliss" and so many times in life that I've wished I didn't know something.  While some information is for our benefit, there is even more that is harmful !  I seem to be stuck on this wisdom theme lately and have wrongfully been comparing wisdom with knowledge.  There is a HUGE difference!

While a search for more knowledge is admirable and can be beneficial - we have to be able to discern the types of knowledge that will be healthy to us.  It's as easy to be distracted by harmful information as it is to be distracted by a chocolate bar when we're on a diet.  There is nothing more tempting or delicious than the most recent gossip going around town!  Not gonna lie - my head tilts to the side and my ear perks up when I hear a bit of scandal!  I also like the sweet taste of a little reality television occasionally.  I will even admit that I often seek knowledge that conforms to my wants or desires rather than what might truly benefit me (example - it's much more fun to read a Cosmo than pick up a devotional book!)

So if I want to become truly wise, it is really not about useless knowledge I can obtain in my social circles or on television.  It's about knowing what will develop and train my brain in a way that I can not only gain healthy knowledge but also be able to turn away from the unhealthy junk.

It's also in reminding myself that sometimes ignorance is an indicator that I need to dig deeper in a certain area.  Do some research.  Find the answer to my questions - not from junky resources like Glamour or Cosmo - but from those that have a proven record of wisdom.  One of my favorites is Joyce Meyer.  She quoted the following:

There's no such thing as trust unless you have unanswered questions in your life.  If you know everything, there's nothing to trust God for.

The reason this statement is so profound to me is that had I not had so many unanswered questions in my life a year ago, I would never have come to the ultimate resource for answers!  I had everything stripped away from me last year and found myself with nothing left on which I could rely......  or so I thought.  But God was there - ever present, ever comforting and ready to be my resource for the rest of my life.  If I had not found myself in that place, I might not have ever realized that being clueless is actually a blessing.  Being clueless fosters new relationships and deepens existing ones.  Not only has my relationship with Christ been strengthened but also my relationships with my family and friends have grown by leaps and bounds.  When I was at my lowest low - feeling like I could trust no one - God picked me up and put me in His palm.  And the blessing has been never ending since then.

So wisdom goes beyond the scope of seeking.... it extends to being thankful when knowledge eludes us and knowing whom to trust with our unanswered questions.  If I'd had all the answers a year ago, I'd still be in my unhappy place....trusting only myself to make life into what I *thought* I wanted.  Thing is, I don't know what I want - and that's ok!  God knows what's best.  He knows what I want even more than I know myself. 

The Ultimate Compass

I had the privilege of having dinner with one of my life long friends last night.  She is a true example of a woman who constantly seeks wisdom and her presence in my life is one of my greatest blessings.  She was asking me what sparked my quest to draw closer to God.  I hadn't really thought about what started this in me and I've had a difficult time pinpointing any one thing.  There have been a whole slew of circumstances which led me to the current path I'm on.  I could likely even document *most* of them - but there are some that simply elude me.  There are some that can only be chalked up to the mystery of the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit has been a difficult concept for me most of my life.  God and Jesus seem a little more concrete to me - although still complicated.  However the Holy Spirit has just been too much for me to think about.  I've known all about the Trinity but I think I just felt that if you get the concept of God and you get the concept of Jesus, then that was enough.  The mystery of the Holy Spirit was just that - a mystery.  Boy was I wrong.....

The Holy Spirit is a hugely integral part of the Trinity!  The Holy Spirit is the one who speaks to me, guides me, and gives me those gut instincts.  How in the world could I glaze over this incredible influence in my life!  When I look back, I see so many times the Holy Spirit led me, revealed things to me and protected me.  It is the very indicator of WHO I AM in Christ!  When I ignore the spirit, I ignore myself and then end up making big unnecessary messes.  And what about me grasping the concept?  Honestly I was making it way more difficult than it really is.....the Holy Spirit is actually the One I'm most familiar with.  It's the part of the Trinity that is continually with me.  To Thine Own Self Be True - really means listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance.  In other words....that lump in the pit of my stomach - means the Holy Spirit is kicking me in the gut saying "LISTEN UP".  Be who you are!  ....BUT Who Am I?  I am who I am based on how much I let the Holy Spirit lead in my life.  I absolutely CAN be anyone, anything I want to be.  However, I won't be the BEST me without hearing God's presence (through the Holy Spirit) loving me, wooing me, guiding me.

If I simply ignore this presence in my life, I become human fleshy ignorant self.  I can be GOOD on my own but I can't be BEST without letting the Holy Spirit lead.  Wisdom is the ability to know the difference between good and best.  Furthermore, if I choose to ignore this - even if I'm still good - the potential to fall and become notsogood is ever present, ever tempting and I become greatly at risk.  The Holy Spirit is an insurance of sorts - to help keep me from the temptation to fall or be distracted that could put my general health in jeopardy.  God wants us healthy.....physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Humans can help us with the physical and emotional health needs but only by acknowledging the Holy Spirit can we begin to see true growth in our spiritual lives.  Only by staying in tune with this presence, can we maintain this spiritual growth.

So as I continue my journey and as I draw closer to home, I get little notes of encouragement in my daily reading.  The verse I got today showed me I am still on course and headed the right way:

Come home, hope-filled prisoners!
   This very day I'm declaring a double bonus—
   everything you lost returned twice-over! (Zechariah 9:12)

This was perfect in every way for me today.  I wrote "Hope Floats" not long ago and have held a tight grip on the hope I have in my future but it is SO NICE to see the promise that came with this verse.  Yes I am definitely a hope-filled prisoner but God sees my struggle and tells me here that everything I've lost will be returned to me TWICE OVER!  What a blessing.  What a peaceful reassurance.

And how did I get to this spot on this journey?  Not on my own....No I was guided by the ultimate compass - the Holy Spirit!  I'm so glad I listened to His direction!  Isaiah 30:21 explains:

urging you on whenever you wander left or right: "This is the right road. Walk down this road."