It wasn't long ago that I felt blocked in and at a stand-still in my journey. I had tried for so long to get out of the deep valley I was in an look for higher ground but I couldn't manage the rocks in my path. Looking back, I now see why. As usual, I was trying to conquer those rocks myself........ all in vain. Some rocks are just too big to climb and that's where I had to step back, throw a little tantrum, get fed by the Father and take a lil nap.
When I woke up from my rest, I began to see things a little differently. If I want a different life, I have to be willing to take some risks. Not only that, I have to quit looking back and mulling over past mistakes. I've punished myself enough! I've learned valuable lessons from them but it's time to chalk it all up to experience and put the past behind me. I can't let the fear of repeating those mistakes, inhibit me from trying new things. If I want to fly, I have to first let go of the nest.
So.... uncomfortable as it is, I'm letting go of my past (not gonna lie, I'm shakin in my boots a lil) and putting myself out there. Right now, today, life is about me! I need to embrace that and indulge because this part could very well be temporary. For everything there is a season and I've been given an unknown block of time that I can just be me, be what I want to be, do what I want to do, say what I want to say, etc..... you get the point.
I have begun to embrace this and be thankful for what I have - this is a gift! Not everyone gets this chance! The circumstances that led to this opportunity no longer matter - that's old history and I'm letting it go. In a way I feel I've let go of the security blanket and gone into a full fledged free fall. And after the panic has worn off, I realize that I do indeed have wings! Wings that are no longer clipped. Wings that are strong and able..... wings that have the power of flight!
Free falling is sort of a thrill ride...... but realizing the wings are there and working, well - that's empowering. I'm still learning how wings work and I'm sure I'll have many more bumps and bruises along the way but just knowing that when I fall I don't have to stay down is comfort enough for me. God equips us when we need it but sometimes we have to let go of the things that hinder our travel before He can give us the tools we need to keep going.
Psalm 37:23-24
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand. (or equips them with wings!)
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Loss x 2.
It was almost 17 years ago that I was awakened in the night to flashing red lights outside my window and the light tapping of my mother at the bedroom door. The ambulance was there for my father. I still remember watching them load his body onto the gurney and wheel him out to the vehicle. I still remember looking into his bedroom and to the place where he had stumbled trying to make it to his bed not knowing if he would be okay. I remember peeking into the room where my baby girl was sleeping, wondering if I should wake her, wondering if I should go now with my mother to the hospital - unsure what was right, unsure what was happening and unsure how tragedies like this one were to be handled.
I also remember the weeks and months that followed. I remember loading up baby Anna and her stroller and all her gear and taking her every day to see Papa. I remember Papa being her first word, because we were always going to see him. I remember putting on the happy face and facade of strength for my mother - while inside I was an innocent child, uncertain of my feelings - afraid of the outcome. I remember sitting at dinner one night with my husband, fighting to hold back tears but failing at that and becoming a sobbing spectacle in the middle of Macaroni Grill.
But doctors are life savers and save his life they did. Sort of..... The stroke had ravaged the left side of his brain, stolen his speech and ability to walk but the rest of him was intact - memory, reasoning and full thinking skills alive and well. Months of rehab ensued but full restoration never achieved. He was a trooper. Always making the best of a bad situation. He kept a cheerful attitude in spite of sorry circumstances. He was eventually able to live at home again without much assistance. He could manage personal hygiene and simple meals on his own so Mom was able to work. He stayed at this level for many years but one day he realized that he would not be able to maintain his strength much longer.
And then, being the caring husband and father that he was - he requested to be moved to a nursing home - easing the burden of that decision away from my mother, brother and I. It didn't take long for him to become one of the favorites at the home. He managed to be funny - even without his ability to speak. He endeared himself to the nurses and they loved him, spoiled him even and I believe that he was happy there for awhile. But as the years went on, he became weaker and weaker..... and increasingly weary of life in general.
It has been a year or more that he has been pointing to heaven almost every time I visit. But only in the last few months does it seem that he is giving up on this earthly life. He now is unable to get up into his wheelchair at all. He is completely bedridden and battling bedsores. It becomes more and more difficult for me to go see him and I find myself making excuses and putting it off. I also find myself close to tears or crying after each visit. I believe he is suffering - if not physically, then definitely emotionally. And I don't know how to process that in my head.
17 years ago I lost my dad. I mourned him as if he had died. Because - even though he lived, he was not my dad. He was not the man who raised me - not the man who loved making homemade bread, working in his yard and toting his baby granddaughter around. But I established a new bond with the man he became after the stroke - the sweet, gentle, quiet man in the wheelchair who was always happy to see me and ready to listen to whatever I had to say. And maybe, just maybe - I loved this man even more - because I had matured and learned to see the good in him that I hadn't always seen when he was able bodied.
I feel as if I am losing him all over again. I feel he will not be here much longer, hope for it even - because I know he is hurting and I know he has wanted Heaven for a very long time. And I understand that when it happens, it will be a relief in a way - but that doesn't make the time waiting any easier and I'm not sure it will make the recovery from it any less difficult. I also believe my grief is intensified because of my other recent loss - the death of my marriage. Both heartaches one right after another - keep me in an inner turmoil I can't describe. And I'm not sure what one does with this kind of emotional trauma.... except keep on keeping on, living day to day - one foot in front of the other until time heals the wound.
Choosing joy in spite of life's circumstances..... sometimes it's like grasping at straws. But if there is one lesson to be learned from my dad - it's just that. He chose to be happy in spite of the adversity life gave him. He chose happiness for 17 years. He not only chose joy but he chose to give joy to others even when he would have been completely justified in being angry and bitter because of his situation. I only hope that I can live this legacy going forward.
I also remember the weeks and months that followed. I remember loading up baby Anna and her stroller and all her gear and taking her every day to see Papa. I remember Papa being her first word, because we were always going to see him. I remember putting on the happy face and facade of strength for my mother - while inside I was an innocent child, uncertain of my feelings - afraid of the outcome. I remember sitting at dinner one night with my husband, fighting to hold back tears but failing at that and becoming a sobbing spectacle in the middle of Macaroni Grill.
But doctors are life savers and save his life they did. Sort of..... The stroke had ravaged the left side of his brain, stolen his speech and ability to walk but the rest of him was intact - memory, reasoning and full thinking skills alive and well. Months of rehab ensued but full restoration never achieved. He was a trooper. Always making the best of a bad situation. He kept a cheerful attitude in spite of sorry circumstances. He was eventually able to live at home again without much assistance. He could manage personal hygiene and simple meals on his own so Mom was able to work. He stayed at this level for many years but one day he realized that he would not be able to maintain his strength much longer.
And then, being the caring husband and father that he was - he requested to be moved to a nursing home - easing the burden of that decision away from my mother, brother and I. It didn't take long for him to become one of the favorites at the home. He managed to be funny - even without his ability to speak. He endeared himself to the nurses and they loved him, spoiled him even and I believe that he was happy there for awhile. But as the years went on, he became weaker and weaker..... and increasingly weary of life in general.
It has been a year or more that he has been pointing to heaven almost every time I visit. But only in the last few months does it seem that he is giving up on this earthly life. He now is unable to get up into his wheelchair at all. He is completely bedridden and battling bedsores. It becomes more and more difficult for me to go see him and I find myself making excuses and putting it off. I also find myself close to tears or crying after each visit. I believe he is suffering - if not physically, then definitely emotionally. And I don't know how to process that in my head.
17 years ago I lost my dad. I mourned him as if he had died. Because - even though he lived, he was not my dad. He was not the man who raised me - not the man who loved making homemade bread, working in his yard and toting his baby granddaughter around. But I established a new bond with the man he became after the stroke - the sweet, gentle, quiet man in the wheelchair who was always happy to see me and ready to listen to whatever I had to say. And maybe, just maybe - I loved this man even more - because I had matured and learned to see the good in him that I hadn't always seen when he was able bodied.
I feel as if I am losing him all over again. I feel he will not be here much longer, hope for it even - because I know he is hurting and I know he has wanted Heaven for a very long time. And I understand that when it happens, it will be a relief in a way - but that doesn't make the time waiting any easier and I'm not sure it will make the recovery from it any less difficult. I also believe my grief is intensified because of my other recent loss - the death of my marriage. Both heartaches one right after another - keep me in an inner turmoil I can't describe. And I'm not sure what one does with this kind of emotional trauma.... except keep on keeping on, living day to day - one foot in front of the other until time heals the wound.
Choosing joy in spite of life's circumstances..... sometimes it's like grasping at straws. But if there is one lesson to be learned from my dad - it's just that. He chose to be happy in spite of the adversity life gave him. He chose happiness for 17 years. He not only chose joy but he chose to give joy to others even when he would have been completely justified in being angry and bitter because of his situation. I only hope that I can live this legacy going forward.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Better?
"It will feel better when it quits hurting." (a former PCHS football coach)
I saw this post on Facebook tonight from a fellow alumnus of PCHS. Sounds like a coach for sure :) My first question was - does that also apply to divorce?
And then I began to answer my own question.
I don't think I'm hurting anymore. I'm over the emotional roller coaster aspect of it all. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat or when the church choir sings. I can carry on a conversation with the former spouse without feeling bitterness or resentment and without that god awful lump in the pit of my stomach. I'm beginning to see all the positive aspects of single life and no longer dwelling on what I no longer have.
When I learn something new or do something around the house that I never did before I feel empowered. When I begin to feel really alone, I've been able to counteract the loneliness with my friends and family. I've begun to recognize when I try to fill emotional holes with empty things and have learned to go the major Provider of fulfillment - and try to fill with Him. Not always easy, but at least I know where to go.
So I'm fairly certain that I can say I've quit hurting. But do I feel better?..... Do I?
Maybe?
It comes and goes I guess. Life has begun to make sense and that was one of my big struggles before. I have been able to set some really important boundaries that I think will help make me healthier and happier in the long run. But honestly..... I'm not to the better part yet. I've quit hurting, yes but I'm not better yet. Does that mean that I'm still the same?
I think it just means that I've leveled out. There's still more to do. I'm staring better in the face and once I conquer that, then I'll be looking for BEST. I truly believe the best is yet to come. I believe I'll see best some day. But before I do, I have to get better. The only recipe for that is time mixed with grace.
II Corinthians 12:9And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
I saw this post on Facebook tonight from a fellow alumnus of PCHS. Sounds like a coach for sure :) My first question was - does that also apply to divorce?
And then I began to answer my own question.
I don't think I'm hurting anymore. I'm over the emotional roller coaster aspect of it all. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat or when the church choir sings. I can carry on a conversation with the former spouse without feeling bitterness or resentment and without that god awful lump in the pit of my stomach. I'm beginning to see all the positive aspects of single life and no longer dwelling on what I no longer have.
When I learn something new or do something around the house that I never did before I feel empowered. When I begin to feel really alone, I've been able to counteract the loneliness with my friends and family. I've begun to recognize when I try to fill emotional holes with empty things and have learned to go the major Provider of fulfillment - and try to fill with Him. Not always easy, but at least I know where to go.
So I'm fairly certain that I can say I've quit hurting. But do I feel better?..... Do I?
Maybe?
It comes and goes I guess. Life has begun to make sense and that was one of my big struggles before. I have been able to set some really important boundaries that I think will help make me healthier and happier in the long run. But honestly..... I'm not to the better part yet. I've quit hurting, yes but I'm not better yet. Does that mean that I'm still the same?
I think it just means that I've leveled out. There's still more to do. I'm staring better in the face and once I conquer that, then I'll be looking for BEST. I truly believe the best is yet to come. I believe I'll see best some day. But before I do, I have to get better. The only recipe for that is time mixed with grace.
II Corinthians 12:9And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Rocks and Hard Places
I've tried very hard over the last several months to learn positive, meaningful valuable lessons about everything I've gone through. I've tried very hard to see what positive things could come of my circumstances. I've tried very hard to use this time of recovery to strengthen and reinforce my relationship with God and become a better person for it.
But I'm not gonna lie.... sometimes life is just crap.
Sometimes we find ourselves right smack dab between a rock and hard place and there is just no reasonable way out of it.
Sometimes there is just no workable solution to our problem.
Sure - I can go to scripture and read some words of wisdom from Proverbs or find some comfort in a Psalm or two.... But yet when I try to apply them to life somehow it just doesn't seem to work. Why? Well because my idea of an answer just doesn't jive with someone else's idea of the answer. When I think that I have reached a new level of understanding, likely the person I have to deal with has come to think of the solution a completely different and incompatible way.
That's the beauty of free will my friends! I have to say I really question God on this ingenious gift He's given us. Oh - I get it.... He wants us to love Him because we choose to love Him not because He programmed that desire within us. But gosh darn it! It makes our whole existence full of utter turmoil....
I know this is not my normal kind of post but sometimes I just have to be real. I've hit a spot in my journey that I'm resisting for some reason. And maybe I'm mad because I chose to take a scenic route not realizing what a treacherous path it would be. I've got rocks, no- boulders in every direction and I'm having to do a lot of exhausting climbing and maneuvering in order to stay on track. And quite honestly, I'm tired and just really ready to give up. I don't even want to look at the map anymore.....
And I'm alone. This isn't a road that anyone can take with me. I have to do it myself. I can't even take along a navigator. It's just me and my compass and I'm not liking where the compass is leading right now.
So I guess I do what any girl alone in the forest would do..... cry? pray? scream? Actually none of those are working for me either. I think I'm gonna just rest awhile - find something to nourish my soul and remember that even though there are easier paths, they don't always lead to glorious places. And what I seek now is something beyond beautiful.... something inspiring, something fulfilling and something that will stay with me forever.
The unanswered question is..... is it worth it? Is it worth it knowing I may never get there and actually may die trying? I think so. I think so because this is what living is. If you haven't experienced trials and come out victorious then you haven't really lived. The destination is important but it's how you get there that matters and if you always take the easy road, you miss many beautiful experiences along the way.
And now, maybe, those rocks and hard places are not so bad after all.....
But I'm not gonna lie.... sometimes life is just crap.
Sometimes we find ourselves right smack dab between a rock and hard place and there is just no reasonable way out of it.
Sometimes there is just no workable solution to our problem.
Sure - I can go to scripture and read some words of wisdom from Proverbs or find some comfort in a Psalm or two.... But yet when I try to apply them to life somehow it just doesn't seem to work. Why? Well because my idea of an answer just doesn't jive with someone else's idea of the answer. When I think that I have reached a new level of understanding, likely the person I have to deal with has come to think of the solution a completely different and incompatible way.
That's the beauty of free will my friends! I have to say I really question God on this ingenious gift He's given us. Oh - I get it.... He wants us to love Him because we choose to love Him not because He programmed that desire within us. But gosh darn it! It makes our whole existence full of utter turmoil....
I know this is not my normal kind of post but sometimes I just have to be real. I've hit a spot in my journey that I'm resisting for some reason. And maybe I'm mad because I chose to take a scenic route not realizing what a treacherous path it would be. I've got rocks, no- boulders in every direction and I'm having to do a lot of exhausting climbing and maneuvering in order to stay on track. And quite honestly, I'm tired and just really ready to give up. I don't even want to look at the map anymore.....
And I'm alone. This isn't a road that anyone can take with me. I have to do it myself. I can't even take along a navigator. It's just me and my compass and I'm not liking where the compass is leading right now.
So I guess I do what any girl alone in the forest would do..... cry? pray? scream? Actually none of those are working for me either. I think I'm gonna just rest awhile - find something to nourish my soul and remember that even though there are easier paths, they don't always lead to glorious places. And what I seek now is something beyond beautiful.... something inspiring, something fulfilling and something that will stay with me forever.
The unanswered question is..... is it worth it? Is it worth it knowing I may never get there and actually may die trying? I think so. I think so because this is what living is. If you haven't experienced trials and come out victorious then you haven't really lived. The destination is important but it's how you get there that matters and if you always take the easy road, you miss many beautiful experiences along the way.
And now, maybe, those rocks and hard places are not so bad after all.....
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Passionate Patience
Romans 5:3-5
3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
For some reason, I've had the passage Romans 5 in my head all day..... I had no idea what treasures were here and I had no idea really why God placed this chapter on my heart today. I just read it in entirety and for some reason keep coming back to the verses above.
For a fleeting thought such as this to stay with me through my morning workout with "Moves Like Jagger" playing in background, then through 180 phone calls at work and countless emails sent throughout the day and then even after talk at dinner with a friend and heavy topics in class at church tonight, I couldn't just let Romans 5 pass me by.
In the midst of my busyness today, I've had a sense of heavy burden....sadness that I'm struggling with. Maybe it's loneliness, maybe it's feeling overwhelmed - maybe it's just time for me to schedule some fun. Nevertheless, I needed the verses above and had I just taken a minute to read this earlier, my day might have had a different feel to it.
What I hear God telling me, gently reminding me again.... is that He is trying to give me His best. Even through my down days, even as I struggle. I love the part that says even our troubles develop "passionate patience" in us. Passionate? God knows I could use some passion in my life! Patience? - well, hurry up and show me what that means! Another translation calls it perseverance - I personally like the term passionate patience - it is especially meaningful to me when I am persistently awaiting what might be next in my journey.
But what about that "tempered steel of virtue"? Well, that my dear, is character. Our troubles teach us perseverance which builds character. Didn't I already have that before my world fell apart? I guess I needed a bit more character building - and if I'm honest, I'll have to agree. I wasn't myself before all this change took place and now I feel more free than ever to truly be me..... and I am a character indeed!!!
But the best part of all this is the last thing the verse promises. This character building causes us to be full of hope and in feeling full of hope, we'll never feel shortchanged! This is the remedy to the "grass is greener" syndrome to which almost all women are susceptible. I've heard the saying that if you think the grass is greener on the other side, then water your own lawn. There is some truth to that but sometimes you have no idea how to go about watering your lawn (especially if you've never done yard work in your life)! You can't water the lawn if you don't know how or are not permitted to learn.
Well I can honestly say that I'm learning a lot of new things lately - all because of the trials life has dealt me. There are many valuable lessons going on in my life - all of them developing my passionate patience, building my character, showing me hope and most important of all - ending my grass is greener syndrome. You truly never know what you have until its gone but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize that there are always blessings in spite of whatever you're going through. It just may take a little time before it's obvious.
3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
For some reason, I've had the passage Romans 5 in my head all day..... I had no idea what treasures were here and I had no idea really why God placed this chapter on my heart today. I just read it in entirety and for some reason keep coming back to the verses above.
For a fleeting thought such as this to stay with me through my morning workout with "Moves Like Jagger" playing in background, then through 180 phone calls at work and countless emails sent throughout the day and then even after talk at dinner with a friend and heavy topics in class at church tonight, I couldn't just let Romans 5 pass me by.
In the midst of my busyness today, I've had a sense of heavy burden....sadness that I'm struggling with. Maybe it's loneliness, maybe it's feeling overwhelmed - maybe it's just time for me to schedule some fun. Nevertheless, I needed the verses above and had I just taken a minute to read this earlier, my day might have had a different feel to it.
What I hear God telling me, gently reminding me again.... is that He is trying to give me His best. Even through my down days, even as I struggle. I love the part that says even our troubles develop "passionate patience" in us. Passionate? God knows I could use some passion in my life! Patience? - well, hurry up and show me what that means! Another translation calls it perseverance - I personally like the term passionate patience - it is especially meaningful to me when I am persistently awaiting what might be next in my journey.
But what about that "tempered steel of virtue"? Well, that my dear, is character. Our troubles teach us perseverance which builds character. Didn't I already have that before my world fell apart? I guess I needed a bit more character building - and if I'm honest, I'll have to agree. I wasn't myself before all this change took place and now I feel more free than ever to truly be me..... and I am a character indeed!!!
But the best part of all this is the last thing the verse promises. This character building causes us to be full of hope and in feeling full of hope, we'll never feel shortchanged! This is the remedy to the "grass is greener" syndrome to which almost all women are susceptible. I've heard the saying that if you think the grass is greener on the other side, then water your own lawn. There is some truth to that but sometimes you have no idea how to go about watering your lawn (especially if you've never done yard work in your life)! You can't water the lawn if you don't know how or are not permitted to learn.
Well I can honestly say that I'm learning a lot of new things lately - all because of the trials life has dealt me. There are many valuable lessons going on in my life - all of them developing my passionate patience, building my character, showing me hope and most important of all - ending my grass is greener syndrome. You truly never know what you have until its gone but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize that there are always blessings in spite of whatever you're going through. It just may take a little time before it's obvious.
Monday, March 5, 2012
complete?
I've been contemplating wholeness. And marriage. And just how those two concepts are supposed to merge. I look back over my life and notice a recurring pattern..... That there is always some hole in my heart that I'm trying to fill. Unfortunately, I've filled with all the wrong things.
Well..... mistakes are how we learn, right? I hate to say I live life by trial and error but that's kind of the way its been. There's no real excuse for this. The answer has always been here. And I've ignored it. I'm not feeling regret here - just a greater awareness of the cause and effect of my searching. I think searching is common - otherwise there would not be so many songs and so much poetry about it. The key to filling the hole is knowing who I am. The only way to know who I am is to consult the only One who has my owner's manual..... My maker. I'm finding out a lot about this chick named Amy. There's no reason she's not complete - it's all been pre-wired and she's ready to go!
Problem is, I've watched a few too many chick flicks and bought into one of the oldest lies in the book. Jerry Maguire even bought into it:
Jerry thought a woman could complete him. And I fell for that line as well..... No person can complete me - not one. No thing can complete me. No career, no personality trait, no stage in life will ever complete me. That comes from within and is given by the Holy Spirit when I seek Him.
And really..... would we want to complete another person? How could we if we are only half a person ourselves. When we think of becoming one in marriage, it would seem reasonable that two halves could make a whole - but in reality it just doesn't work that way. Why? Because each gender represents a part of God's likeness. He made humans in His likeness - male and female He created them. He wants us to embrace and develop who we are in Him before we can come together in unity with another. It takes a WHOLE woman and a WHOLE man to become ONE in the way God intended. Too many people don't understand this concept..... they believe that finding "the one" can make them whole. It's a fairy tale and it often has a tragic ending.
Women long to be pursued and men long to rescue but what both genders fail to realize is that those desires must be fulfilled within God's purpose. Women must realize that they ARE pursued - by the One who understands love far greater than any man. Men must realize that they were made to rescue but it's not the beauty they should be fighting for - it's the kingdom of Heaven. If two people who grasp these concepts come together as God intended - the power of them becoming One is unimaginable.
I'm a lot like Dorothy in the movie..... I could be had at "hello". But I realize that is when my holes are talking - wanting to be filled. That is when I look for my worth in men and that will always disappoint. Thankfully the words to so many sappy love songs I enjoy pertain more to the way God feels about me than the way any man does. Lionel Richie said it best when he sang Hello -
Hello! Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much I love you
God pursues us. God fights for us. And if we'll let Him, He will have us at "Hello".
Well..... mistakes are how we learn, right? I hate to say I live life by trial and error but that's kind of the way its been. There's no real excuse for this. The answer has always been here. And I've ignored it. I'm not feeling regret here - just a greater awareness of the cause and effect of my searching. I think searching is common - otherwise there would not be so many songs and so much poetry about it. The key to filling the hole is knowing who I am. The only way to know who I am is to consult the only One who has my owner's manual..... My maker. I'm finding out a lot about this chick named Amy. There's no reason she's not complete - it's all been pre-wired and she's ready to go!
Problem is, I've watched a few too many chick flicks and bought into one of the oldest lies in the book. Jerry Maguire even bought into it:
Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise)
I love you. You complete me.
Dorothy (Renée Zellweger)
Shut up ... just shut up. You had me at hello. Jerry thought a woman could complete him. And I fell for that line as well..... No person can complete me - not one. No thing can complete me. No career, no personality trait, no stage in life will ever complete me. That comes from within and is given by the Holy Spirit when I seek Him.
And really..... would we want to complete another person? How could we if we are only half a person ourselves. When we think of becoming one in marriage, it would seem reasonable that two halves could make a whole - but in reality it just doesn't work that way. Why? Because each gender represents a part of God's likeness. He made humans in His likeness - male and female He created them. He wants us to embrace and develop who we are in Him before we can come together in unity with another. It takes a WHOLE woman and a WHOLE man to become ONE in the way God intended. Too many people don't understand this concept..... they believe that finding "the one" can make them whole. It's a fairy tale and it often has a tragic ending.
Women long to be pursued and men long to rescue but what both genders fail to realize is that those desires must be fulfilled within God's purpose. Women must realize that they ARE pursued - by the One who understands love far greater than any man. Men must realize that they were made to rescue but it's not the beauty they should be fighting for - it's the kingdom of Heaven. If two people who grasp these concepts come together as God intended - the power of them becoming One is unimaginable.
I'm a lot like Dorothy in the movie..... I could be had at "hello". But I realize that is when my holes are talking - wanting to be filled. That is when I look for my worth in men and that will always disappoint. Thankfully the words to so many sappy love songs I enjoy pertain more to the way God feels about me than the way any man does. Lionel Richie said it best when he sang Hello -
Hello! Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much I love you
God pursues us. God fights for us. And if we'll let Him, He will have us at "Hello".
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Firework!
Early morning walks in the brisk cool air leave me feeling energized and alive. This little venture I'm on is taking hold like a very powerful addiction. This time I believe the addiction just may be healthy. I realize what the physical activity does for my heart....physically. But I never realized just what it might do to my heart....emotionally.
My heart has been in healing mode and I've chosen to hit it with the most powerful medication I know.....time with God. He is teaching me so much every day and strengthening me beyond what I ever thought possible. I never knew that I could crave Him! I craved everything else under the sun never understanding that what I really craved WAS the SON :) :) :)
I like to listen to pump me up tunes in the morning when I walk and unfortunately there are not many christian tunes that have an aerobic beat soooooo....... yep - I got the secular tunes going. I like a little Maroon 5, Pink and Katy Perry. I'm sure I'll add more as I go but for now those are the main 3 on my playlist. My absolute favorite which I end with each day is Firework by Katy Perry. The message is powerful and it speaks to me right now so I'll post below. I am God's firework :)
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
My heart has been in healing mode and I've chosen to hit it with the most powerful medication I know.....time with God. He is teaching me so much every day and strengthening me beyond what I ever thought possible. I never knew that I could crave Him! I craved everything else under the sun never understanding that what I really craved WAS the SON :) :) :)
I like to listen to pump me up tunes in the morning when I walk and unfortunately there are not many christian tunes that have an aerobic beat soooooo....... yep - I got the secular tunes going. I like a little Maroon 5, Pink and Katy Perry. I'm sure I'll add more as I go but for now those are the main 3 on my playlist. My absolute favorite which I end with each day is Firework by Katy Perry. The message is powerful and it speaks to me right now so I'll post below. I am God's firework :)
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you
You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe
You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough
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