Divorce is War.

I have an uncle that says "divorce is war."  That statement certainly seems accurate in most cases - and even in my own case at times.  But war is funny.  Many times the soldiers that are sent out to fight end up feeling compassion for their enemies and begin trying to help them.  They also may begin to question the war and experience conflicting emotion about it.  Once they get into the thick of the battle, they begin to see where the US might have gone wrong and may even notice potential fixes to some of the problems.  But more so, they mourn over the loss of the relationship that was formerly congenial or the possibility of it being congenial in the future.

War is gruesome and messy and heartless.  It mars and maims the participants forever - not just the soldiers but the innocent bystanders as well.  War is intentional.  It involves one country trying to maintain control of a situation.  It's necessary in some cases but not necessary in many others.

War forgets about love.

I have been given a new challenge.  It's not about war.  It's about love.  I am going to try a different spin on the circumstance of divorce in my life.  I don't want to go to war even though its a natural tendency and first reaction.  No - even though it won't change my circumstance - I'm going to choose love, not war.  I'm tired of anger and hatred.  The situation I'm in will not be changed by either of those and will only be worsened until they are the only option.  Nope - I'm going to love my enemy.  Does that mean to pine for him and want him back?  No.  It simply means that I respect him and seek the best for him - even though it doesn't include me.

I will pray for my opponent - for his direction and leadership.  I will pray for common goals.  I may not talk to him daily or spend time with him but I will be pleasant and upbeat and try to encourage him when the opportunity arises.  I may not be his #1 ally but I can be an ally nonetheless.  Peace requires assertive discipline.  I won't be taken advantage of but I don't have to attack either.  The only way to love is to love self first and then others.  It's when I begin to doubt self that I begin to get combative.  There is no reason for this doubt - it's pointless and I'm secure no matter what life deals.  I often think love is not enough but that's wrong.  If we follow the model Christ gave us, love IS enough and it IS the answer.

As a soldier in this battle called life, I can be loyal to the cause but still love my opponent.  It's not the easy way to move forward, but in my mind it's the only way.

  Love never gives up.
   Love cares more for others than for self.
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
   Love doesn't strut,
   Doesn't have a swelled head,
   Doesn't force itself on others,
   Isn't always "me first,"
   Doesn't fly off the handle,
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
   Doesn't revel when others grovel,
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
   Puts up with anything,
   Trusts God always,
   Always looks for the best,
   Never looks back,
   But keeps going to the end. 

I Corinthians 13:3-7 


Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly . I Corinthians 13:13.

What I want

Because my life has taken the route of single living, I have been redirecting my thoughts to me, myself and I.  For the first time maybe ever - this is my life and I am the pilot.  I can go this direction or the other depending on my own whim at the given moment.   I can eat dinner or not eat dinner.  I can arrange my furniture the way I want, paint the walls any color I want, go to bed whenever I want, etc, etc.  At first this was uncomfortable for me.  It's my nature to defer to others.  However, I have begun settling in to this new way of thinking lately and letting it take hold.  Problem is, there are always consequences to selfish living.  There is a risk that you become all about me, myself and I - forever.

I don't want to be that girl.  Never have.  Why?  Because I'm fickle.  What I want one day will be entirely different the next.  I don't want to live strictly for me - that's shallow and empty.  I want to live for others, for my children, for someone special.  That is how the holes in my heart get filled.  Thing is, I can't effectively live for others without God's direction in my life.  I can't have a heart full of love without Him.  I can continue serving others and filling this hole or that, but it's not until I really defer to God that all those holes will fill.  When that happens, it won't matter if this person accepts me or rejects me.  I'll be able to love him not only out of sheer will or desire but because my heart is full with God's love.

So yes - during this time that I am single, my life is all about me.  But I can't be the true me without doing what God would have me do.  I can't listen to my mother or my friend or even my counselor because they all have a different opinion of who to love or not love.  None of them have the answer.  Even I don't have the answer yet.  All I know is that I trust my God.  He wants the best for me.  And if I keep doing that, eventually the human side of that will take shape and the answer will become clear.

This morning as I drove to work I got behind a slow car and began to get irritated.  As I sped around them, I shot a look over and my heart softened.  It was an elderly man in a cowboy hat driving his sweet little elderly wife to the doctor, or to see the grandkids, or just somewhere special that day - who knows?  All I know is that I teared up a little.  I want someone driving me to the doctor, or to see my grandkids, or just somewhere special.  I don't want to be the one driving myself.  But God patted me on the head and told me not to worry.  He's got me covered.  Whether I actually have that sweet little elderly man in my life one day or not, God's driving and he'll get me where I need to go.

Reality

I've tried so hard to be upbeat and positive in spite of my circumstances through last year and for the most part I've succeeded but I feel the need to share that I have my moments.....  moments of fleshy weakness where I just let it all out - or want to but don't, which is worse.  Transparency is becoming easier with each new day and so is independency BUT honestly, sometimes I just lose sight of the goal.    All my blogs are an attempt to work out my feelings in the most diplomatic way possible (since this is public, I must use a filter) but they also serve as a means for me to find my own life lesson in joy, sorrow, frustration, etc.  Usually that comes to me in the form of a Bible verse which I can tie in somehow.  Sorry to say, tonight I just don't have that in me.

This week leaves me drained - physically, spiritually and emotionally.  I dealt with a lot of disappointments but also a few really great highlights!  I don't want this to sound like Debbie Downerism at all - just want to be real.  I think it is the hills and valleys that did me in this week - there was no middle ground.  Something was either really great or really not and it's leaving my stomach in knots again.  I guess I am worrying and I need to quit.  The important thing is that hope has not left me.  Hope may have changed my viewpoints a bit, but its not gone and I need to reiterate to myself again that God's got this, God's got me - even when I'm less than enthusiastic about it.  I am right where He wants me at this given time.

The changes in my job will work out just fine.
The mistake in my checkbook will make me more careful.
Strained relationships will take care of themselves.
New friendships are a wonderful blessing!
I've got the greatest children on earth and they are healthy and happy!
I want for nothing, have more than I need and my wealth is in people that I love and love me back.

That's reality.  When put that way, reality looks pretty darn good.

Who Am I?

”Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you’ll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you’re content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty” (MSG). Matt 23:11-12

I guess for this verse to apply - I have to know who I am first.  I am getting to know her again and for the first time maybe ever, this life is becoming all about me.  But is it?  really?

What I am discovering is that in all my years of serving others I did neglect myself but now that I can really put myself first, I find that I really don't want to.  I'm finding that the only real way to find myself is to continue in service.  The mark I missed is that I was serving only in my little world and not branching out.  I became invisible.

Even though I battle shyness and introversion, I long to stand out.  It's uncomfortable for me to be the center of attention but I want to be the example.  Not because I'm great - but because Christ is great through me.

I believe He is revealing who Amy really is to me one day at a time right now.  I believe all this mess I've gone through the last year has a purpose in my life.  I believe that He is giving me the freedom to be who I am - but not who I am based on ME - but who I am with HIM.

The verse above warns us - if we puff ourselves up, we will get the wind knocked out of us and this is exactly what happened to me last year.  I tried to make my life all about me, I went on a journey to find myself but I forgot one simple thing : Christ.   Now that I have turned around and picked Him back up, He is my co-pilot and has become the wind beneath my wings.  He hasn't yet revealed to me where I am going but He is showing my daily who I am.

I am HIS. 

Pursuit

So yes - I'm sort of taking this from another blog I read this morning but only because it fit so appropriately with what I am going through now.  I have been a bit bummed by the fact that I am not being pursued.  The thrill of the hunt is powerful - but maybe more so when you are the one who is hunted.  What woman doesn't want to be wanted?  Above all, I think this may be our innermost desire.  We need to be needed.  We want to be the "go-to girl" - it works this way with our friends but more so our mates.

However - what I didn't see is that I indeed AM being pursued!  Just as God has become THAT GUY for me, I am THAT GIRL for Him.  I don't need the call or attention of a man to feel value.  I don't need to be bummed by indecision or inability to commit.  I have a lover who woos me - intently - and ultimately I am His bride first.  Once I fully am able to understand and embrace that, perhaps He will provide to me an earthly companion - but once again He teaches me that He is the ultimate soul mate. I can't help but fall in love with Him - he constantly romances me and shows me how precious I am.

I know He has a plan and purpose for my life and for His greater glory.  I trust Him like I trust no other.  This storm I'm going through has a purpose and He is calming ME instead of the storm.  This morning it was clear....  I am His.

My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me” (Song of Songs 2:10, NIV)

Depleted with Joy.

I think I've reached a new low..  I'm actually thankful for this!  Because of it I have been able to adopt a happy go lucky, no care in the world kind of attitude.  I have truly let go!  And it's invigorating.

I am away for work for several weeks and in my happy place - my home: the place where I grew up and the place I feel where I ultimately belong.  I am doing the things that make me happy.  I am tightly scheduled but with things I enjoy and with people I love.  The last two weeks have been very good for me!  It is really nice to be able to consider no one else but me for a change.

The only drawback is being away from the kiddos.  But I have decided that when I return to them, I will be a much better mom.  I will have learned so much about myself and be so at ease with my circumstances that I will be able to fully engage with them.

This is what joy is.  The ability to rest in God in spite of circumstances that leave you emotionally depleted and know that He's got this.  He's carrying me right now.  He loves me. AND I'm getting His best!

As You Turn Away

Lady Antebellum - As You Turn Away lyrics | LyricsMode.com

Standing face to face
Wrapped in your embrace
I don't wanna let you go
But you're already gone
Now you kiss my cheek
Soft and bittersweet
I can read it in your eyes
Baby, this is our goodbye

Nothing more to say
Nothing left to break
I keep reaching out for you
Hoping you might stay
Nothing more to give
Nothing left to take
I keep reaching out for you
Reaching out for you
As you turn away

Let go of my hand
So I can feel again
Nothing's going to hurt as much
As that final touch
No we can't be friends
Cause I don't think I could take seeing you
And knowing where we've been
I hope you understand