Starshine

When I think of the song "You Are My Sunshine" I often like to replace the words with Son Shine.  It still works and it is still cheerful and upbeat.  In fact, to sing it no one would know that in my head I refer to Christ's reflection and not the actual sun.

But this time of year, in the bleak midwinter, the sun is a delicacy that we don't often see or feel.  This time of year we are faced with cold, gray and often dark weather that can sometimes be incredibly bitter and hard to bear.  It is a season when we crave warmth and nourishment......... and hope, and peace.

Therefore, I believe it's no accident that Christmas falls this time of year.  Christ brings all of that to our lives.  Even though our holidays become so cluttered and commercialized, there are glimpses of the Son that gleam through the darkness.  Most of us become more generous and are less focused on ourselves than any other time of year.  We give not only to our family and friends, but to people we don't know through local Christmas basket funds or toy drives.  We see more random acts of kindness - like the anonymous donors paying off the layaway balances for unknown families.  These things touch our hearts and warm our spirits.  These things are Christ....  These things are glimpses of sun/Son.

But these things to me - seem to sparkle much more than the sun.  They stand out amidst the dark part of this season.  They have a special glow that is ever so slightly different.  And so did that star that marked where Christ was born.......

And just as the sun seems like a delicacy to me now, I crave that star much more than I ever have.  I crave it not only because of its beauty but because it points the way.  It shows me where my treasure lies.  It shows me how very much God loves me.  It is a compass of sorts.

And when all the darkness of this world begins to overwhelm me, all I have to do is look for His star.  It is there, sparkling like a precious gem - leading me back to the direction I want to go.  The direction of His gift.  And He becomes not my sunshine, or my Sonshine but my Starshine.  The differences are subtle but they are there and I want to see His starshine not just now but every day of every year.

You are my starshine, my only starshine - You make me happy when life is gray

I'll always know God, How much You love me

You'll NEVER take my starshine away.

Taming the Grinch

I was feeling a little bah- humbuggy this morning when I went to read the 2 morning devotionals that come to me via email every day. Seems like they are all about Christmas. I want some good meat and potatoes spiritual food - I know all about this Christmas business....grrrr.... Give me something new!!!!

Well now, Ms. Grinch - maybe the pot is calling the kettle black? And I realized how my last 3 blog posts have also been based on the very Christmas story I know sooooo much about! God has been humbling me like this a lot lately. And you know what? It feels GOOD.

I realized that in all my 39 Christmases past, I have learned something new every year. That is the miracle of Christmas! It is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Our circumstances change so much from year to year that each season we have a new perspective and a new focus. And we get to add the bonus of new memories to be made. Instead of grumbling about being overwhelmed by it all (the parties, music, decorations and even devotionals that are just IN YOUR FACE) I'm going to embrace the attitude adjustment I've been given and learn to see those as blatant reminders of the wonderful gift we've been given......For God So Loved the World!

I was also a bit grinchy at my son's basketball game last night. Thankfully no one knew about it but me. I saw a few faces that have not been so kind to me over the last few months and had negative thoughts running through my mind. As I sat there grumbling in my head, I had a little divine tap on the shoulder that reminded me..... "Love them." I began a little debate in my head and got a little defensive. It's SO HARD to love them! But ..... it really isn't. It's as simple as a choice. And once I resolved that conflict in my head I began to see the connection. They hurt too, they are not happy, they lash out or ignore my pain because they don't want to acknowledge their own. I get it. I understand. I was that girl once....WAS. But now I AM new or at least in progress - and I get a new lesson every day. This is how God loves me - He corrects me and refreshes my attitude.

This Christmas I may be alone and I may not be involved in all the hustle and bustle. But I love looking at Christmas from the outside in. It is a truly new perspective and I hope to embrace and carry the memory forward. If you find yourself grumbling about the busyness of the season, remember that there is someone who may be feeling left out. Someone who lost a loved one, or who is sick, or who is new in town without family......even someone recently divorced like me. While I am loving Christmas without the activity, others find it hard to take and I hope I can offer a small glimpse of Christ to them this year.

Let's not get so wrapped up in the celebration that we forget to remember the Gift!

Romans 12:2 ^1-2 Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

Journey to Bethlehem

I am determined not to let the oddity of this particular Christmas become a catalyst for Debbie Downerism. Just because this is not a typical holiday season for me, does not mean there are not Christmas miracles lurking around the corner. I have decided that this is just part of the journey.

Can you imagine riding on a donkey for days on end in your 9th month of pregnancy???? If Mary can endure that, then I don't know what I'm griping about. There is something wonderful coming and if I keep grumbling or lamenting over my situation then I could very well miss the full effect of the joy awaiting me! I refuse to do that.

The births of my children were the most precious times I can remember. Today is my youngest child's birthday. My own birthday is this month. This is a month of memories. Memories made and memories to be made. All good memories are prefaced with some type of journey, some type of story to be told - the same is true of miracles. I'm working on my story and in order to capture it accurately, feelings are important but often overlooked or dismissed. Not this year. God has given me the gift of time..... I have not even one Christmas party to attend. I'm beginning to see that as a blessing. He is preparing me for something - shaping me - molding me. I must be ready for Christmas this year - not in the gifting sense, not worrying about company coming or meal prep, not concerned with scheduling my time - but waiting..... riding on a donkey...... ready to see this journey through, until my Christmas miracle begins.

I hope those who are busy, can pause for just a moment and realize just what precious gift we've been given and take time to record memories of their own journey as well. Whether we relate to Mary, Joseph, the shepherds or the wise men - we all have a part in the Christmas story even today. Our personal journey can always be to Bethlehem - if we will just make the trip.

Instructed by the king, they set off. Then the star appeared again, the same star they had seen in the eastern skies. It led them on until it hovered over the place of the child. They could hardly contain themselves: They were in the right place! They had arrived at the right time!
Matthew 2:8-10

Joseph's love through faith

So because I relate to Mary in a way, I had to also think about Joseph. It couldn't have been easy to be Joseph either. Even though the marriage had been arranged, I believe Joseph loved Mary more than we are ever told in the Bible. When he heard of her pregnancy, he could have publicly denounced her, divorced her and had her stoned. He could have been angry and assumed the worst. It would have even been socially acceptable, understandable and maybe even encouraged. I would imagine Joseph wrestled with thoughts of looking like a fool or being less of a man if he forgave his Mary and accepted her in the condition she was in.

But Joseph was secure in his manhood. Joseph listened when God's angels told him it would be okay. Joseph also said yes to God. Yes - I will do what you have asked - even if I am ridiculed for it or look like a fool. Yes not just because I am obedient to you God but also because I love Mary and I love you. He recognized God's gifts.... not just an opportunity to be the male role model of the son of God but also the gift of a wife who so willingly gave of herself to God. He had no proof that Mary had been faithful or that this was even really as the angels said. He had faith in God's plan and knew of God's provision.

When the news of this was spoken to Joseph, he and Mary were not living together. I am not sure why they were apart at the time and I don't fully understand the customs back then. All I know is that they were apart. Obviously there were no phones or even mail system in which to communicate so I would think the absence from her could have created even greater motivation in which to "quietly dismiss" her (as he had decided before he let his faith kick in). But something in Joseph did lead him to faith, something still ached within him and drove him to the decision to stay the course and be reunited with his beloved. Joseph loved Mary - the feelings were there, they were strong, and they were permanent. God knew this for he created it. Even if Joseph wrestled with looking like a fool, a pushover or even less of a man - his love for Mary outweighed that and he was able to see that Mary was worth it - even without the proof of her purity. He saw the best in her and chose to trust in that.

Hebrews 11:1 - Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Just what does "Mary" mean?

This is a very unusual advent season for me. Many thoughts are in my head - deeper, more emotional heaviness than I've ever known. Little by little, Christ clears the weight from my head and replaces it with understanding like I've never known before. He gives me new confidence every day - not self confidence, but God confidence - which is really what I've needed all these years anyway. Remarkably, the book that was chosen by our ladies group to study fits in nicely with everything I've been thinking about. The title - "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God".

There is no better example of a "yes" girl than Mary - the mother of Jesus. What if Mary had said NO? She could have and God would have used someone else. How easy would it have been for her to let doubt cloud her focus, or fear hide her vision? Not only was she merely a girl, but she was a virgin. Not only was there the possibility of shame but also of torture - for young women were stoned for this in her day. She could potentially lose her beloved over this. And let's not even mention the pain.... Mary had to have witnessed childbirth by this time in her life. She surely knew of the discomfort of pregnancy and had seen the or heard of the agonies of birth. But Mary was willing in spite of this. She did not question if she was suited to this or if the timing was right. She trusted her God to bring her through it and knew He would bless her because of it. This may be the purest example of faith I know.

So I decided to look into the meaning of her name. If you google it, you will find several different meanings but most sources will say it was originally an Egyptian name - meaning beloved. How do you think that went over with someone by the name of Amy?..... yes my name also means beloved! Amy - who has been wanting to say yes - to something - but not sure what just yet. Amy - who needs a vision, a purpose right now in this uncertain time of her life. Amy - beloved - God is calling you. What will you say?

God planted within me a desire when I was a little girl and although I excelled at many different things throughout my childhood, there was only one thing at which I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted for my life. That was and is motherhood. My greatest task, greatest blessing and job that I am best at - is the important responsibility of mothering my children. There is no greater gift. I am truly humbled that God gave me these children and the incredible gift of motherhood. They both amaze me daily and I feel that I can't take credit for any of the wonderful things they do because their talents are truly from God. I feel in awe that He entrusted their care to me. What is my job as their mother? To love and nurture them into adulthood.

But what God showed me today is that this does not have to stop with my own children. God showed me that I have something in common with Mary. My name means beloved - just like Mary - and God loves me so much that he gave me the desire to continue to love and nurture not just my own children but to love and nurture His children! Can you imagine how humbled Mary must have been to be chosen to love and nurture Jesus? And now....God wants me to do the same. This isn't limited to the obvious definition of children (18 and under) but all of us our God's children and we all need to be loved. God sent Jesus to help us understand His love but Jesus is no longer on earth. We see Jesus through each other. And even Jesus needs His mother :) So my gift this Christmas and going forward is motherhood. I embrace this gift and say YES! I will be a mother - not just to my own children but to God's children. Mother to Jesus? Me? Yes - because Jesus is in all of us - lets love and nurture Him in our hearts and the hearts of others.

Meltdown

Yesterday was emotional day like none other. I can't really explain why. There are many reasons for it but why it hit yesterday, I have no idea. At the time, it was pretty unbearable but I'm still here breathing today so I guess I got through it. I feel sorta like my fever just broke and that relief is on its way.

Emotions are so puzzling to me. I stifled them for so long that they have to come up and slap me around from time to time I guess. I'm not going to fear them anymore - but try to embrace them. They are what makes us human. They enable us to love, and learn, and communicate. I want to feel every ounce of anger, every last tear, and every big thick belly laugh that comes along.

What I have to work on is my faith. I let doubt cloud every ounce of me yesterday. I cried out to God but then didn't listen for His calming presence.

It reminded me of stray cats I see in the neighborhood (yes - I have just a small bit of crazy cat woman in me). They look lonely, hungry even desperate at times. I try to be the cat whisperer and get them to trust me. I provide for them sometimes by setting food out but they just keep running away. Sometimes I have the thought - If only I could turn myself into a cat for awhile - to be able to communicate to them, on their level that my yard is a safe haven - that they can trust me and find peace and rest here. That is exactly what God did for us when He sent His son to live here on earth. He sees us struggling. He sees us hungry. He sees us searching for peace. He sent His son to communicate to us that He is our safe haven - our resting place. If only we will listen and accept His gift.

I may have run out into the alley yesterday, but I eventually made my way back. Today I rest in His most generous gift of love. (and I have a massage appointment after work - woohoo!)

Kitty Christmas

So I pulled out the Christmas tree yesterday and got it put up minus the ornaments. I'm letting the kids do that tonight. I'll watch them and hope for laughter without the lump in my throat or in the pit of my stomach knowing this is the first Christmas that our family has taken such a different path. I never knew how painful holidays can be when you are alone. It give me new perspective and empathy for those who have lost loved ones this year (no matter what the circumstances). However, in an odd way, the Christmas tree gives hope. Even as a little girl, I loved sitting in the dark with only the tree lights on daydreaming of what would await me on Christmas morning. As I got older, my dreams expanded past Christmas and I would think about my life ahead of me and be full of hope for the plans God had for me. I'm trying very hard to see past the bittersweet side of this and know that I still have that hope and know that Christmas this year is going to be wonderful even if I'm alone because I've got so many people that love me.

So on to the kitty side of this. The reason I came to this conclusion this morning is because of Ruby the cat. She is so funny. When Anna was little she had these two small stuffed kittens (about the size of real kittens) and Ruby immediately adopted them. No lie - she carries them around the house by the scuff of their neck just like a mama cat would. She even talks kitty talk to them (if you've ever known a mama cat, they have a really different, strange language for their kittens). She usually does this at night when we are all in bed. Most often I can hear her coming down the hall, chatting her kitten language with the kitten in her mouth and she then brings the kitten to my room for the night. I heard her last night but this time she was in the living room and did not come into my room. She was talking way more than usual but I dismissed it and rolled over to sleep.

This morning was normal and I went through the motions packing kids lunches and getting ready for work. After the kids left, I glanced at the tree. Underneath it was a "sleeping" stuffed kitten. I know it's odd but it so touched my heart. I know Ruby is a cat and has no real reasoning ability but I can't help but think she is excited about Christmas too. I can't help but think that Ruby brought her baby to the tree to show her its Christmas! Look! Presents are coming! Or else she has sensed my sadness lately and brought her baby there as a gift to me. Nevertheless, it made me see that no matter what life brings, no matter what trials we face, there is always Christmas! It's about love and hope! God wants us to know how much He loves us and wants us to see how much hope he brings. ALL things are possible through Christ who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you - plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.

The tree is up and even with the knot in my stomach I know He's got this. He's never let me down and never will.