Warning: Do not read unless you are really into me.

This is MY blog. It is not just written for me, but about me. It's my method of self discovery - my way of working out my thoughts into logical, orderly explanation. There have been two observations from others about me lately that I have wanted to really sink my teeth into but they are both questions that require a great deal of thought.

From my ex: I'm not sure you can ever be happy.

From my mom: You are always looking for perfection. When will you realize there is no such thing?

This - from the two people who know me best in the world. I must entertain these thoughts. But.... I feel I must also explain them.

First of all for the first question I believe my basic temperament explains this. I am a melancholy personality and the following description rings true (except for the keeping everything in order part - an even though I don't follow through with this, in a perfect world an organized, orderly household would help me be incredibly at peace). Here is the lineup of my personality:

Personality Strengths of the Melancholy

Deep and thoughtful
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
As a parent, sets high standards and wants everything done right.
As a homemaker, keeps everything in order.
As an employee, schedule oriented and hard working.
A list maker and keeper.

Personality Weaknesses of the Meloncholy

Easily offended
Can get too caught up in details
Doesn't do well with change.
Struggles with insecurity
Tends towards depression

There is more at this site: http://www.womenbygrace.com/personalitytypes_melancholy.html
Scary how accurate this description is! And honestly I would have to say that I can see where my ex would think that happiness eludes me. Thing is, to say I can't ever be happy is very unfair - especially coming from him. He has seen my happiness more than anyone else in this world. If its not enough for him then he needs to take note that melancholy personalities are to be avoided. To me, when I read the strengths of the melancholy - they definitely outweigh the weaknesses. To me, when a melancholy is happy, it's a true meaningful happy and definitely not some fake, pretend false pretense. I liken it to when a cat shows love. You know cats don't do something unless they mean it so when they love you its real. Melancholy personalities are the same!

As for perfection (the concern of my mother) - it appears that this is also a personality trait. I have definitely gotten much better over the years at not needing to be perfect in everything I do. I have learned to embrace my flaws and mistakes and see them as ways I learn, tools of refinement, beauty marks if you will. I definitely no longer expect perfection in others! Where I do seek perfection is where I know something can be improved. When I see that something or someone is not working to their full potential. It is out of concern that I try to encourage better ways of doing things or even demand more effort. Perhaps my discontentment has shown up in seeking a better house, different car, new clothes, etc. but that really isn't a search for perfection. It just a vision of betterment. I believe God has humbled me so much over the last year however, that material things have lessened in importance to me. My experience with wealth (be it ever so limited) is that money will not solve problems or even lessen them and actually ends up creating entirely different issues in a lot of cases. We can get so wrapped in in what money allows us to do that we lose sight of the important things that need our attention. The things that are free. The things that are simply there wanting us to love them, wanting to love us back.

I can't change my personality type. This is who I am. Perhaps it may appear that I have difficulty with contentment. I will agree. I am a work in progress and I do see progress. But I also see no problem in not being content with what we have at the moment and knowing that there is more. In fact, I think that's human nature and not just a weakness of the melancholy. Once more the lyrics to Blessings by Laura Story help me feel ok about this weakness of mine.....

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

We all struggle with discontentment at times. It's because this world is not our home. We have an unexplained longing for more because deep down we know there is more - we just don't always know how to find it. The answer is that we will NEVER find it here on earth. Only our Heavenly Father can supply it. He doesn't want us to be content with this world. Our contentment should be in Him.

Old Lace and Promises

So I was in a cleaning mood today and I got in several closets and pulled out stuff to throw away or give to charity. I then went out to the garage to organize it a bit so my daughter can pull her car in as it is beginning to get colder and the threat of frost is more likely. She had a friend over and they were curious about one of my boxes I was moving - the big white one. They asked the contents and I told them and said I was thinking of getting rid of it. I'm not exactly sure why I've hung onto it. For someone who isn't very sentimental, its out of character for me to be so attached to this item.

The girls, however, had another idea. They wanted to see the contents. So..... we opened the box. They were suprisingly complimentary of this item. So much so that my daughter even wanted to try it on! Now I - at this age and being the non-sentimental person that I am - had no interest whatsoever when my mother took her wedding dress out and showed it to me! However, Anna took a liking to my dress - all except for super puffy sleeves that looked like wings on such a small girl. I can't believe I didn't take flight when I wore it almost 20 years ago. And what surprised me even more is that the dress fit her. We discussed ways we could have the dress altered to look a little more modern but still keep the main parts intact. While I would never consider wearing my mother's dress, she is seriously thinking about wearing mine (or at least part of it).

It feels a bit surreal to realize that my daughter will be of age to marry in just a few years. It's even more surreal to see her put on a dress I wore almost 20 years ago. What makes it worse is to watch her do this while the failure of my marriage keeps replaying in the back of my mind.

What gives me hope however, is that she actually thinks my dress is beautiful - or that parts of it are - and she wants to revitalize it in some way to make it into her version of the perfect dress for beginning a new life with her future husband, whomever that may be. I can't help but get a message of symbolism from that. Just like the dress, there were parts of my marriage that were beautiful but there are also parts that just no longer work. Does that mean the dress/marriage should be thrown away? Some would say yes - throw it out and start anew. But me - being the non-sentimental person that I am - ironically says the opposite. The beautiful parts are worth saving - whether that be in effort to make it more current or simply to hold onto as a precious memory of one of the best days of my life.

There were many things promised that day - and since then several promises broken. But there were also priceless memories and 2 wonderful children that came from that union. As for the dress - I'm not sure what new creation the taylor will come up with but I'm so glad that at least part of it is still cherished and not only by me. Maybe the style of the dress did not stand the test of time, but the value is still there and I, for one, will treasure it with all my heart.

Bleak Midwinter

As it is Thanksgiving of course I am feeling nostalgic. Looking back on years gone by and realizing this year is so very different. This is the first year that I will experience the holidays without a husband.

That thought could get me down but I'm not going to go there (for today at least). I am going to count what I do still have and know that there is One who loves me more than I can understand. One who will never detach even though I miss the mark time and time again.

My heart longs to be shared but I am learning that I must first share it with the One who loves me most. I've held on to my heart too long, greedily clenching it with my own selfish will. I release it now as the Christmas season begins and open my clenched fist in faith that our Great Provider knows my needs even more than I do. He gives even when we don't deserve it .... especially when we don't deserve it.

My focus is not on what I can give others this year but on what I can give Him. This brings to mind a favorite hymn - my theme song this season.

In the bleak midwinter, frost wind made moan, earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone; snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow, in the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain; heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign. In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Angels and archangels may have gathered there, cherubim and seraphim thronged the air; but his mother only, in her maiden bliss, worshiped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give him, poor as I am? If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb. If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part. Yet what can I give? Give Him my heart.

Unresolved Issues

Do I appear to have it together? Do I seem to have direction and know what I want? Some would say yes. However, those that know me most intimately have seen the brokenness and confusion that I face daily.

So - unresolved issues in place - does that mean you no longer want to know me? Or does it help you to feel like you are not alone in that? Unresolved issues in place - does that make me way too complicated for you to want to have a relationship with me? Or do you want to be a part of my progress and recovery?

And how about your own unresolved issues..... Want to know how I feel about those? I see the pain they bring you. I know they are extremely difficult to face and deal with. That is exactly why they are unresolved. However, I believe in you. I want to see you conquer them. I know you can do it! How do I know? Because I have issues myself that are no longer unresolved. I have faced and dealt with many things that I have laid to rest. How about my resolved issues? Should they not be an encouragement to you?

Unresolved issues in my mind are a non-issue. We all have them. Eventually we deal with them or they just come out - like an explosion. I am not fearful of this but rather hopeful when this happens because it forces healing. I want to help you deal - even if I become the brunt of the explosion. For in my mind, the explosion - though damaging - forces cleanup and rebuilding and this could mean a life brand new.

What I would hate to see happen is for my own unresolved issues to be the reason that you avoid facing your own. The irony is that the main unresolved issue that I once faced - my biggest hurdle - has been taken care of. I was able to get past the pain of years of disappointment, get past the cloud of disrespect that I let take hold of my heart, and become renewed to the passion I once had in my youth. To me, that was the first step toward fixing the other secondary things that I've let go over the years. And now.... because one of those secondary things reared its ugly head, I must go to work building all those walls back up - so that my heart can stay intact, but this time, to keep it broken and not the hardened mass it had become. This time - to be protected by God's grace and not perverted by my own attempt at restoration.

My own unresolved issues have been repaired by love. I hope that you will begin to repair yours the same way. Let God love you today.

Peace, Be still.

You know that feeling when a storm is brewing? There may not be obvious signs of it yet but you can just feel the tension in the air. The anticipation in the atmosphere builds and then the storm comes in - may be just rain, may be a little thunder or a little lightning maybe or it could be a full on tornado that comes through.

I think that describes not only our outside world but sometimes our interaction with others as well. Turmoil often festers for days before it comes out and then comes the rain...... or the thunder...... or the tornado of conflict. You never know how long it will last and then when its over, you still hear the rumblings for a few days. I used to dread this very thing - maybe even fear it a little. But I'm beginning to understand that sometimes it takes a storm to bring about new life. We may even have to deal with a little destruction after the storm before we are able to see the tiny blooms of something fresh and new peeking up through the ground. And in order for those fresh, new leaves or blooms to flourish and grow - we must have at least a little more rain.

Perhaps a healthy relationship requires this kind of "weathering" as well.

And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?"And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Mark4:37-40

I used to see this as the beginning of the end of a relationship. Fighting, misunderstandings, conflicts or storms were death signs to me. But I'm beginning to know that sometimes these things are necessary to proceed to the next stage or level. These "storms" - though they often bring destruction in their path - also bring about the new - whether through renovation of buildings or hydration for new plants. And even when the old is destroyed - we still have the memories of the good that took place there but can see the new that was brought about by the storm.

So from here on out, I will quit fretting over the storm. When God is ready, He will calm it. And even though His "new" may be completely different from my "new" - He knows what He is doing and has a blessing in store if I will just have the willingness to be open to it. I've been through another storm recently and am coming off the tail end of it - still hearing the faint rumblings of thunder and feeling the drops of rain. I'm trusting that He will take this calm I feel after the storm and carry me through the cloudy days ahead until the Son comes shining through to my heart once more.

Do you?

Love.
What a vague, generalized term.
I love my new outfit. I love my job. I love my home. I LURVE my children!
How can one word have so many different intensities, meanings, applications?
How can one word be so obvious, yet so difficult to understand?
How can one word represent a universal desire or need that is innate to all of us?

ALL of us.

We are born with this yearning - to know, feel and give love.
It's not just a human trait, but animals seek it as well.
In its absence, we fail to thrive.

I am fortunate enough to have experienced all forms of love yet I seek an even greater knowledge of the word. I want to know love outside of myself but yet I want someone to give that in return. Is this my fairy tale fallacy? I'm not really talking about happily ever after but rather acceptance ever after. Awareness of each others strengths and weaknesses with a willingness to accept each other and deal with the inadequacies and vulnerabilities we all face at one time or another.

Intimacy in physical form should be secondary to true transparency in the emotional sense. The ability to see ALL of each other and be truly uncovered but yet still comfortable with that awareness would be ideal. I seek authenticity in a man - not just as it pertains to me but also to others. No masks, no pretentions. Just...... REALness.

Needle in a haystack, maybe. Possible? Absolutely. I believe. Do you?

Right to be right

Joyce Meyer always seems to be talking directly to me. One of her latest Facebook posts still has my mind turning -

"When you walk in love, you give up your right to be right."

Wow. My right to be right. How long have I been clinging to that one? Seems I'm always right, right? I'm always justified in my feelings. I always have a valid reason for what I do. I will go to great lengths to show someone my view - try to make them understand where I'm coming from - prove that I know what I'm talking about.

But I'm learning as I go that nobody is right. And it really doesn't matter if I'm right or wrong. In fact, being wrong can be a good thing because it brings about new ways of looking at things and more effective life lessons. When we realize we are wrong, we change and grow.

It's not in being correct or error free that we are rewarded. It's our intent that eventually determines how much we gain from a relationship or situation. If we are self seeking when we act, we won't find fulfillment. It's only when we begin to act out of genuine care and love for others that we feel true reward. If we truly care for others, then being right comes secondary. Our primary goal is to nurture, protect and cherish them. We begin to put their emotional needs ahead of our own and therefore find our quest to be right can often be thrown out the window.....

However - there are always those times in our relationships where we begin to disagree. Or maybe we just have issues for which we find no compromise. Perhaps those are times where finding a solution is not the best use of our time. Some things are simply not fixable. And maybe that's where we must choose to walk in love and put our quest to be Queen of Correct aside. We don't have to prove our point. We don't have to know the answer. And we don't even have to eat crow and admit we're wrong. At these times, maybe we should just shift focus to what's important and that's our love for each other. Accept each other as we are and not on each others terms. Let go of our right to be right.

I find it ironic that the only One who really has the right to be right is also the only One who is capable of true love. When there is no solution and I find I'm completely incapable of being right, I go to Him. I trust Him with my quest for perfection. He pretty much summed up that the only way to be right is to learn how to love. He not only points that out time and time again in His word but also lived it and died for it. While I know I'll never completely grasp love's true meaning, I still search for it and try to understand it - for it is the only way to be right.

Which also reminds me of some silly 70's song lyrics ----
"If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right"
Perhaps Joyce has been listening to some retro Cd's :)