Corners are really annoying. I remember being sent to the corner when I was little. They are a pain in the rear when painting a room. If you live on a corner lot, you have a lot more edging to do. But the worst, the absolute worst is being backed into a corner. It's like being trapped.... nowhere to go. I, apparently, can't even talk myself out of a corner.
So today, I'm just going to sit in my corner and wait it out. I did the only thing a girl can do when in that situation. Total. Brutal. Honesty. The problem is I don't have any explanation for feeling the way I do. I don't know how to change how feel. I've tried - in vain for more than 4 years. Much prayer and effort has been given but God is still silent. Is this a lesson He wants me to learn on my own? Why doesn't He intervene?
I crave change yet I am not ready for it. The time is not right. However, I fear that the time will never be right. And why should I fear that? Why do I want this change? I have everything here that I always wanted.... I don't feel disappointed exactly but I guess I feel that maybe I wanted the wrong things? What is the basis for what were my hopes and dreams in life and why now do I doubt that? This is a struggle that can't be resolved in a blog for sure - but in life,with time, maybe.
So for now I guess - the corner may be a safe place for me. It is my consequence of many mistakes along the way. It is where I must think about what I did and about how I need to change. Time Out. I can't hurt anyone else while I'm here and I can't get distracted by things I've been told not to do. I'm just not sure it was ever the most effective form of discipline but I guess it's better than a spanking.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Smile :)
So I've been rather melancholy which is typical for me this time of year. I think I tend to dwell on the disappointments in life rather than the joys. I am at a point where I often feel let down that certain aspects of life have not met my expectations. Perhaps my expectations were too high to begin with.
I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions and I don't intent to this year. I am a continuous work in progress as it is and if I set the bar too high and fail, then I suffer huge set backs. However - I am going to live by a new principle of life.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
The source of my biggest disappointment and frustration in life has been failed relatonships and/or lost friendships. I realize that sharing a closeness with someone is often temporary and that some friendships must fade in order to foster new ones. Some relationships are toxic and must be terminated. But instead of letting bitterness or regret take hold in my life, I am choosing to remember each and every loved one with fondness - no matter what the circumstances of the failed relationship were. That doesn't mean I need to fall into old patterns - it just means that I am free to love them from a distance. I will choose to remember the good and forget the bad.
And my new relationhips.... I need not fear the end even though I am well aware that some will fade away. I'm going to smile because it is happening and not worry about it being over. I am richly blessed and know God brings people into my life for a reason and in His timing and will trust Him to nurture and develop those relationships that are worthwhile.
I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions and I don't intent to this year. I am a continuous work in progress as it is and if I set the bar too high and fail, then I suffer huge set backs. However - I am going to live by a new principle of life.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
The source of my biggest disappointment and frustration in life has been failed relatonships and/or lost friendships. I realize that sharing a closeness with someone is often temporary and that some friendships must fade in order to foster new ones. Some relationships are toxic and must be terminated. But instead of letting bitterness or regret take hold in my life, I am choosing to remember each and every loved one with fondness - no matter what the circumstances of the failed relationship were. That doesn't mean I need to fall into old patterns - it just means that I am free to love them from a distance. I will choose to remember the good and forget the bad.
And my new relationhips.... I need not fear the end even though I am well aware that some will fade away. I'm going to smile because it is happening and not worry about it being over. I am richly blessed and know God brings people into my life for a reason and in His timing and will trust Him to nurture and develop those relationships that are worthwhile.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Gift
From The Message Bible:
4 -5If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift.
Gifts are not earned. Gifts are given just because someone loves you. Sometimes they are easy to accept, sometimes not. It's much easier when you are giving a gift in return - then it feels more balanced or fair. It's actually easier to be the gift giver in my opinion. I love it when I find what I know is going to be the pefect gift for someone!
God is the ultimate gift giver. There is no way we can truly reciprocate. He never asks us to either. All He asks is for us to accept His gift! Yet we often seem to have a problem with that....
Life deals us some complicated issues. We think we've got a grasp until something comes up that completely baffles us. Even then, many times we try to conquer it on our own. But life is not a project at work. We do not earn wages for living. God does not give us a salary for good deeds or absence of sin. Everything He does for us is pure gift. All He asks for is faith. His gift is His ability to do the job called life for us. He knows its a job too big for us to handle on our own.
I definitely have some jobs I can't do on my own. I think its time I accept His gift. I realize His gift may take some unusal forms but I'm keeping an open mind. I can't wait to unwrap the next present He sends my way.
One more thought:
6 -9David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man:
Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off,
whose sins are wiped clean from the slate.
Fortunate the person against
whom the Lord does not keep score. Do you think for a minute that this blessing is only pronounced over those of us who keep our religious ways and are circumcised? Or do you think it possible that the blessing could be given to those who never even heard of our ways, who were never brought up in the disciplines of God? We all agree, don't we, that it was by embracing what God did for him that Abraham was declared fit before God?
Apparently I am not the only gift recipient! How amazing is that? God wants to share the wealth with ALL of us - sinful or not! He does not keep score... love that. Zero pressure. Take it or leave it. I'm taking!
4 -5If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift.
Gifts are not earned. Gifts are given just because someone loves you. Sometimes they are easy to accept, sometimes not. It's much easier when you are giving a gift in return - then it feels more balanced or fair. It's actually easier to be the gift giver in my opinion. I love it when I find what I know is going to be the pefect gift for someone!
God is the ultimate gift giver. There is no way we can truly reciprocate. He never asks us to either. All He asks is for us to accept His gift! Yet we often seem to have a problem with that....
Life deals us some complicated issues. We think we've got a grasp until something comes up that completely baffles us. Even then, many times we try to conquer it on our own. But life is not a project at work. We do not earn wages for living. God does not give us a salary for good deeds or absence of sin. Everything He does for us is pure gift. All He asks for is faith. His gift is His ability to do the job called life for us. He knows its a job too big for us to handle on our own.
I definitely have some jobs I can't do on my own. I think its time I accept His gift. I realize His gift may take some unusal forms but I'm keeping an open mind. I can't wait to unwrap the next present He sends my way.
One more thought:
6 -9David confirms this way of looking at it, saying that the one who trusts God to do the putting-everything-right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man:
Fortunate those whose crimes are carted off,
whose sins are wiped clean from the slate.
Fortunate the person against
whom the Lord does not keep score. Do you think for a minute that this blessing is only pronounced over those of us who keep our religious ways and are circumcised? Or do you think it possible that the blessing could be given to those who never even heard of our ways, who were never brought up in the disciplines of God? We all agree, don't we, that it was by embracing what God did for him that Abraham was declared fit before God?
Apparently I am not the only gift recipient! How amazing is that? God wants to share the wealth with ALL of us - sinful or not! He does not keep score... love that. Zero pressure. Take it or leave it. I'm taking!
Monday, December 27, 2010
39.
I am now 39 years young. or old - depending on how you want to see it. To me, it matters not. It is what it is. 39 may be the new 27 or it may be exactly 39. I really don't care. All I know is that I get older, the more at peace I am with myself. I've always liked me....to a degree. But I've always let comparisons get in the way of accepting myself the way God made me. He is the ultimate artist and he created me the way He wanted me - not the way *I* want me!
Some of this is within my control - yes. I need to keep my body healthy and not trash it up with junky stuff and slothfulness. I definitely learned why after the 10 months I spent on a strict eating plan and exercise regimen. I was successful in reaching a healthy weight and getting back in shape as well as getting my blood pressure and other health concerns in check. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm no athlete and wasn't made to be. I was blessed with an auto-immune disease early on in life and I don't believe that I live with this disease just because of genetics. It serves a purpose in my life and I am actually quite ok with the struggles it brings to me. It is no bed of roses, but it could be worse and I believe I learn alot about myself with each hurdle I face.
Now - shall we tackle vanity? Who doesn't struggle with this at least a little? I'm a girl.... I want to look good! And yes - at times I think I'm the one they're singing about in that song "You're so vain". Aren't I at the center of your world? I will also admit I've done some rather painful procedures all in the name of beauty... but I don't regret those either. Ok - well yeah - maybe the money could have been better spent on someone in need but those things have also made enough of a mark on my self esteem that I am more able to put myself out there and be there for someone in need - or less afraid to talk to someone who might otherwise intimidate me.
Don't get me wrong. I will always have gripes about my body or the aging process in general but I have come so far compared to how insecure I was 5 years ago. I like the new me (which is actually the old me that was hiding behind about 3 layers of fat). I like being 39. And I have no fear about the years to come. I don't intend to cover my grey when it appears (although my friend Becky does not believe me). I may even have to find one of those tacky vanity tags that reads "Sexy Grandma" when the time comes.... ha! NOT :)
Some of this is within my control - yes. I need to keep my body healthy and not trash it up with junky stuff and slothfulness. I definitely learned why after the 10 months I spent on a strict eating plan and exercise regimen. I was successful in reaching a healthy weight and getting back in shape as well as getting my blood pressure and other health concerns in check. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm no athlete and wasn't made to be. I was blessed with an auto-immune disease early on in life and I don't believe that I live with this disease just because of genetics. It serves a purpose in my life and I am actually quite ok with the struggles it brings to me. It is no bed of roses, but it could be worse and I believe I learn alot about myself with each hurdle I face.
Now - shall we tackle vanity? Who doesn't struggle with this at least a little? I'm a girl.... I want to look good! And yes - at times I think I'm the one they're singing about in that song "You're so vain". Aren't I at the center of your world? I will also admit I've done some rather painful procedures all in the name of beauty... but I don't regret those either. Ok - well yeah - maybe the money could have been better spent on someone in need but those things have also made enough of a mark on my self esteem that I am more able to put myself out there and be there for someone in need - or less afraid to talk to someone who might otherwise intimidate me.
Don't get me wrong. I will always have gripes about my body or the aging process in general but I have come so far compared to how insecure I was 5 years ago. I like the new me (which is actually the old me that was hiding behind about 3 layers of fat). I like being 39. And I have no fear about the years to come. I don't intend to cover my grey when it appears (although my friend Becky does not believe me). I may even have to find one of those tacky vanity tags that reads "Sexy Grandma" when the time comes.... ha! NOT :)
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I love you.
As this holiday is centered around God's love for us, I too am reflecting on love. Love is the single most important job God gave us on this earth. However, I am often confused by it. It sparks such a rainbow of emotion. It can create feelings of euphoria, happiness, completeness.... But it can also cause feelings of pain, hurt, uncertainty. It is more than a feeling. It is also an action. Love may be the single most complex word in the English vocabulary. If I was a scholar, I would study it in different languages to try to get to the root meaning - but I have not the time nor the energy for that. I am perplexed enough as it is!
Love is a noun. Love is a verb. One you choose, one just happens. Love the noun is typically a feeling. It is delightful when it happens - a beautiful gift from God. I don't think you can make this happen - it just does. It's a random, unplanned emtion that just overcomes you. Sometimes it lasts forever and sometimes it dies. So when it dies, what do you do with it? Do you bury it and move on? Or do you give it CPR and try to revive it? I think most would say the latter. Then when you do that, love becomes a verb. Then, it is a choice. You choose love because reviving it is such incredibly hard work, you have to really want it to work for it.
Sometimes love the noun doesn't just randomly occur - we have to create it. This is especially true when we love those we don't really know. Sometimes when we choose to create this love, then we get to know the person - we begin to like the person and before long, the love turns into the noun form or deep intense feeling for the object of our affection.
So what happens when love the noun and love the verb conflict with each other? That one I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. But yet... it happens. More often than we care to admit.
Here is an anonymous quote I came across today:
“There is no remedy for love but to love more. ”
I have to admit I am a love junkie. Love comes incredibly easy for me but I also have a hard time reviving it when it dies. I pray I find the strength and skills to do this and succeed, but for now it is a work in progress. I think I know what I need to do but yet I feel powerless to do it. Maybe because love the noun is still very much a mental block to my progress.
One more quote to consider:
“Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.”
Due to the complexity of the word, I'm not sure it's always best to say it out loud but yet I so often want to. I suppose this is my safe haven to do so - for if you are reading this blog, you are likely one of those for whom I experience love.... both in noun and verb form.
Love is a noun. Love is a verb. One you choose, one just happens. Love the noun is typically a feeling. It is delightful when it happens - a beautiful gift from God. I don't think you can make this happen - it just does. It's a random, unplanned emtion that just overcomes you. Sometimes it lasts forever and sometimes it dies. So when it dies, what do you do with it? Do you bury it and move on? Or do you give it CPR and try to revive it? I think most would say the latter. Then when you do that, love becomes a verb. Then, it is a choice. You choose love because reviving it is such incredibly hard work, you have to really want it to work for it.
Sometimes love the noun doesn't just randomly occur - we have to create it. This is especially true when we love those we don't really know. Sometimes when we choose to create this love, then we get to know the person - we begin to like the person and before long, the love turns into the noun form or deep intense feeling for the object of our affection.
So what happens when love the noun and love the verb conflict with each other? That one I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. But yet... it happens. More often than we care to admit.
Here is an anonymous quote I came across today:
“There is no remedy for love but to love more. ”
I have to admit I am a love junkie. Love comes incredibly easy for me but I also have a hard time reviving it when it dies. I pray I find the strength and skills to do this and succeed, but for now it is a work in progress. I think I know what I need to do but yet I feel powerless to do it. Maybe because love the noun is still very much a mental block to my progress.
One more quote to consider:
“Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.”
Due to the complexity of the word, I'm not sure it's always best to say it out loud but yet I so often want to. I suppose this is my safe haven to do so - for if you are reading this blog, you are likely one of those for whom I experience love.... both in noun and verb form.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Melancholy Christmas
It's not necessarily a bad thing, I've decided, that every year at Christmas I become a bit melancholy. Christmas is a celebration - yes - but it's also a time of reflection for me I think. To some degree, it's kind of a let-down.... we spend so much time, energy and money in preparation to have it over with in less than a day most times. Perhaps my focus is wrong. Perhaps I'm too distracted with other issues. Perhaps my expectations are way too high. Whatever the cause, I find myself a little blue.
This year, I look at the 39 years that are behind me and I wonder - is this all there is? And then I feel extremely selfish and ungrateful for all I've been given. I am so richly blessed but why is it not enough? What is it that I'm looking for? What do I really want? Where is that little thing called contentment?
I find it very sad that my extended family has somewhat parted ways. I am no longer in touch with my cousins, aunts and uncles like we were so long ago. I basically see them at funerals. We make promises to stay in touch and get together but we never do. My own brother is often too busy to fit in quality time with my children. My mother tries.... But often falls short of my hopes. I just don't get how a group that was once so close knit, can be so distant now.
But look at all I have now! 2 beautiful, smart and talented children and a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. I have a great job that spoils me by letting me stay home almost every day. We live in a sweet little town full of wonderful friends who take good care of each other. Our church... could not be better!
In just a few minutes, I will go to church for our Christmas Eve service. I will sing some Christmas carols and hear beautiful music with an inspiring message from our pastor. I will pray and have communion. Maybe God is telling me something and maybe I just have seasonal mood disorder. All I know is I hope to find peace at some point. I am choosing joy at the moment so peace must follow.
Melancholy moments are necessary I think. Christmas is not such a bad time to have them. They spark introspection and foster change. With a new year around the corner, maybe this is exactly what I need.
This year, I look at the 39 years that are behind me and I wonder - is this all there is? And then I feel extremely selfish and ungrateful for all I've been given. I am so richly blessed but why is it not enough? What is it that I'm looking for? What do I really want? Where is that little thing called contentment?
I find it very sad that my extended family has somewhat parted ways. I am no longer in touch with my cousins, aunts and uncles like we were so long ago. I basically see them at funerals. We make promises to stay in touch and get together but we never do. My own brother is often too busy to fit in quality time with my children. My mother tries.... But often falls short of my hopes. I just don't get how a group that was once so close knit, can be so distant now.
But look at all I have now! 2 beautiful, smart and talented children and a wonderful, supportive, loving husband. I have a great job that spoils me by letting me stay home almost every day. We live in a sweet little town full of wonderful friends who take good care of each other. Our church... could not be better!
In just a few minutes, I will go to church for our Christmas Eve service. I will sing some Christmas carols and hear beautiful music with an inspiring message from our pastor. I will pray and have communion. Maybe God is telling me something and maybe I just have seasonal mood disorder. All I know is I hope to find peace at some point. I am choosing joy at the moment so peace must follow.
Melancholy moments are necessary I think. Christmas is not such a bad time to have them. They spark introspection and foster change. With a new year around the corner, maybe this is exactly what I need.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Count it all joy....
A phrase from our Christmas cantata.... "Joy is like a flower, burning in the soul"
For some reason - that is stuck in my mind. The flower part, I like. Why it is "burning" in the soul...doesn't make much sense so I'm going to go with the flower part. As may be obvious from my previous blogs, I struggle with finding true joy and contentment in my life. I am beyond blessed so don't go thinking that I'm not truly thankful for everything I've been given. I am so very grateful and I have no problem expressing this to the One who is responsible. However - my greedy little self keeps wanting just a tad. bit. more. Or maybe notsomuch MORE as maybe something different. I would liken to this to my childhood - opening gifts from grandma - and my cousin and I get matching sweaters only hers is pink and mine is blue. Hey! Maybe I wanted the pink one! (that's just an example - I can't recall ever getting matching sweaters - but you catch my drift)
So - I've been studying those people who seem to have true joy in their lives. That has been extremely frustrating to me because I just don't relate! Tonight it dawned on me that I've been studying the wrong people. Tonight, I spent time with one who is the opposite. Debbie Downer. You know the type - nothing is ever enough, nothing good ever happens, always tired or sick, always looking from the outside in - wanting more, wanting better, wanting the greener grass from the other side of the street. And then I thought of the flower....the joy flower. She forgot to water and feed her flower! It has been so neglected that it finally uprooted and died. NEVER will she get it back. Oh sure, someone might be able to come along and plant some new joy flower seeds in her heart - and I pray that happens. But the one she currently carries in her soul might as well be so dead that it is now decomposed.
My joy flower may not be thriving but it's certainly not dead yet. I'm stocking up on some plant food and water and I'm going to nurse it back to health. It will take effort daily - lots and lots of SONshine - and maybe even some conversation. They say when you talk to plants they thrive - so why not talk to the soul to increase the size of our joy? I certainly won't let my joy flower die - and maybe, just maybe I can grow it so big that I will be able to transplant a little of MY joy to someone else.
For some reason - that is stuck in my mind. The flower part, I like. Why it is "burning" in the soul...doesn't make much sense so I'm going to go with the flower part. As may be obvious from my previous blogs, I struggle with finding true joy and contentment in my life. I am beyond blessed so don't go thinking that I'm not truly thankful for everything I've been given. I am so very grateful and I have no problem expressing this to the One who is responsible. However - my greedy little self keeps wanting just a tad. bit. more. Or maybe notsomuch MORE as maybe something different. I would liken to this to my childhood - opening gifts from grandma - and my cousin and I get matching sweaters only hers is pink and mine is blue. Hey! Maybe I wanted the pink one! (that's just an example - I can't recall ever getting matching sweaters - but you catch my drift)
So - I've been studying those people who seem to have true joy in their lives. That has been extremely frustrating to me because I just don't relate! Tonight it dawned on me that I've been studying the wrong people. Tonight, I spent time with one who is the opposite. Debbie Downer. You know the type - nothing is ever enough, nothing good ever happens, always tired or sick, always looking from the outside in - wanting more, wanting better, wanting the greener grass from the other side of the street. And then I thought of the flower....the joy flower. She forgot to water and feed her flower! It has been so neglected that it finally uprooted and died. NEVER will she get it back. Oh sure, someone might be able to come along and plant some new joy flower seeds in her heart - and I pray that happens. But the one she currently carries in her soul might as well be so dead that it is now decomposed.
My joy flower may not be thriving but it's certainly not dead yet. I'm stocking up on some plant food and water and I'm going to nurse it back to health. It will take effort daily - lots and lots of SONshine - and maybe even some conversation. They say when you talk to plants they thrive - so why not talk to the soul to increase the size of our joy? I certainly won't let my joy flower die - and maybe, just maybe I can grow it so big that I will be able to transplant a little of MY joy to someone else.
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