Epic Fail

I quit. I gave up. I let my addiction take hold and get in the way of what was supposed to be my focus on God and His gift to us. I jokingly say that I gave up Lent for Facebook but it's really not funny. I am kinda disappointed but at the same time not sure I really thought this through as much as I should have. The intent was good but I didn't educate myself on the tradition as much as I should have. Seasons like Lent and Advent are new to me. They aren't observed in the churches that I've been a part of for most of my life so I'm somewhat ignorant to the tradition. It's a shame really because these traditions are rich in meaning and really help explain much of our religious heritage. I also didn't realize how out of the loop my 'sacrifice' would take me and that perhaps that wasn't the root of my distraction after all....

I will chalk it up to a learning experience. I am very happy to be back in touch with my Facebook friends and no more distracted than I was without Facebook. However, had I known that I could have still had Facebook on Sundays during Lent, I might not have caved so soon! Apparently whatever you give up for Lent, you can have on Sundays during Lent....HAD NO IDEA! So --- that helps--- a great deal. Good to know for next year. As for this year, I'll just keep toddling along, doing the best I can to learn how to walk the walk all along hoping eventually I'll learn to dance.

What am I doing?

Spinning my wheels? Twiddling my thumbs? Going through the motions? I'm very frustrated with ME. I gave up Facebook for Lent so I could F.O.C.U.S. On God. On Family. On the things that are important! Also so that I would quit looking outside my box for a bit and realize just how great I've got it - all right here. I am the world's worst at comparison shopping (well ok, in a literal sense, I'm very good at it) but in a spirtual sense that is a HUGE flaw. Life is not about comparison. It's not about keeping up with the Joneses. AND - the grass is actually almost NEVER greener on the other side - that's an optical illusion!

I want to quit wanting. I'm good. I have everything I need...MORE than I need and I'm beyond blessed. But apparently eliminating Facebook has not elimated my bad habits. Instead, I feel out of touch with my peeps! But then - perhaps that is temptation talking.... Maybe it's doing more good than I know. Probably more effective would be eliminating internet altogether for awhile and along with that TV. But yeah..... I don't see that happening anytime soon. What pitiful creatures we are that we think we need all this meaningless technology!

So hopefully I'm reeling it in here. Back to the meaning of Lent.....preparation. consideration. What God gave for us ---it's so very humbling when you stop and think about it. Although I tend to make this world about me, it's really not. Or should not be. I hope to stop the vanity and selfishness and realize that I've been given so much already.... was given soooo much more when Christ died for me and perhaps it's time for me to give back. Baby steps though. I'm still not an adult Christian and wonder if I will ever be but the only way I'll get there is to try walking...do a little falling....get back up and give it another go. Somehow this theme is recurring but maybe, just maybe I'll get the hang of it. And perhaps someday after I do, I can work on dancing..... (Queue the music - I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack) Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance - I hope you dance.

Not the only one

I recently discovered that a friend of mine - someone whom I would little expect - shared in a similar experience to one I have had. Occurrences like that happen all the time..... but not necessarily for this type of experience. When I was going through the whole ordeal, I wrestled with many emotions - fear, regret, shame. It was one of those experiences that feels good when you're in the middle of it but in hindsight makes you wonder what in the world you were thinking. One of those that, when all is out in the open, leave you wishing you could take it all back. It is a time that brings an incredible sense that you are alone....

Then - to find out you are not alone - to find out someone that you know and actually respect - has been in a similar situation and conquered it - is encouraging.....sort of. It would be I guess, if I felt I could comfortably know more. Details, I want details. Advice, I NEED advice! But yet, this friend is not one I can just call up and have comfortable girl talk with. OR - maybe I could but don't want to overstep any boundaries.

And therein lies one of my biggest flaws, issues, whatever you want to call it. I ~long~ for more female friendships. I have many friends yes - but they are surface friends. There are but a few that I can have real, honest conversations with. Only a couple that I tell everything to. Not even a handful that I know within my heart of hearts will love me no matter what ugliness I end up revealing when showing the real me. I hold back regularly. I don't initiate outings or make calls to check on people. I don't go out of my way to have conversations other than in passing. I am fearful of imposing, or being perceived as presumptive. I worry too much about what others will think instead of just putting that aside and making 'dates' with my girlfriends. And in doing that, I keep people at arms length I suppose.

And why? Why do I let fear rule my relationships? I've been hurt yes - but who hasn't? Hurt is always a risk when forming any type of relationship but is that any reason to remain alone? Assuming risk has never been my forte. I'm conservative. I play it safe. Playing it safe though, reduces one's chances of winning the big prize. So at this point I have to assess if I want the prize or if I want to remain safe. Will putting myself out there expose me to volatility or inspire me to blossom? And if I remain to myself to avoid hurt, then why am I still hurting so much?

Guess it's time (gulp) to admit my flaws, put myself out there and see who bites. Perhaps the flawed me will actually be more attractive to others than the put-together me. I will never have all the answers, I will always need help and love and support. I just hope it doesn't come across as needy.... because, as we all know - I am perfectly capable of going it alone. Just not very happy doing it that way.

Lent Virgin

So the season of Lent is now upon us. Ashamedly I admit that this is the first year I've actually observed it. The main reason is that I spent too many years in the Southern Baptist Church - not something I regret really but it did keep me from learning about the deep spirtual meanings behind the rituals of the liturgical church. Advent is another special time that I've come to appreciate as well. Both are times of preparation and reflection. Christmas and Easter are both are times that we as Christians should truly reflect on God's gifts to us and seek His plan for our lives. To truly do this, we must take time to prepare ourselves for true fellowship and worship with him. We must cleanse ourselves of 'self' in a way and direct our thoughts, actions and intentions more on Him and others. Like any sort of training, this takes time and will not happen overnight.

As for Lent specifically, the intent is self sacrifice. Christians give up something they love so that whenever they crave and want for that particular thing, they are reminded of Christ's ultimate sacrifice for us. It can also be giving up something that distracts us or gets in the way of our focus on Christ which is ultimately where my sacrifice came in.... I gave up something I love that also tends to distract me from more important activities - Facebook. I like to tell myself that I tune into Facebook to keep up with others -but honestly, I do it for myself. When I log in, it almost instantly draws me in and commands my attention - sometimes for hours on end. Luckily, I am not one to have Facebook on my phone or this sacrifice would be nearly impossible.

But beyond my spiritual reasons for giving up Facebook are also personal reasons. I need better balance in my life. God needs my attention - yes but so do my children, my husband and MY HOUSE !!! Yikes! I'm trying to juggle yet have no talent for this. The root of the problem I feel is that I have turned my focus inward and that has turned my world inside out. If I learn to put my eye back on the prize (our Heavenly Father) then it's only natural that my attentions will be directed on those who need me and off myself. Then maybe, just maybe everything else will fall into place and the need to juggle will be gone.

So - here I go again....

Oh wow. I'm really hopelessly out of practice at this blogging business. This is a side I've certainly let go - much like my step aerobics phase. I am now back on the step and my butt is screaming so I hope getting back on the blog doesn't send my psyche into some kind of painful eruption!

Somehow I have managed to link this blog to my facebook page and I have been unsuccessful in figuring out how I did that so that I can undo it. I really don't want the whole world seeing my blog.... It's too transparent and too personal at times. It is meant only for the select few - those whom I know love me anyway - even when my thoughts, feelings, etc are less than stellar. So that has been my excuse for not writing.... I don't want to clutter my facebook page with anything more than a few little quips about my day.

So I suppose I will work on getting the link deleted somehow, but in the meantime I guess the facebook world will get to know more than they really wanted to know about me. That is, if I can blog truthfully knowing it may still get blasted out for all the world to see.

What I'm dealing with now? Wondering if some friendships I've formed are real.... Feeling overwhelmed by work and stuff that needs to be done at home..... Worrying about my baby boy who is definitely not a baby anymore :( Lamenting over the stupid drama that occurs in a small town..... missing the place I call 'home'. Maybe I'm depressed. Maybe it's just seasonal mood disorder. Or maybe, just maybe - God's tapping me on the shoulder telling me it's time to crawl back into His palm and let Him love me.

Ins and outs of friendship

Today I am mourning the loss of a relationship.... I have been friends with this particular person for over 20 years and we have certainly had our ups and downs but I believe the roller coaster relationship has come to an end. Too much baggage to discuss in a public blog but it seems that what once was a good thing has become a toxic thing. Toxic for both of us actually. I don't think there are hard feelings on either side - just an agreement that it's time for each of us to go our separate ways. It is the oddest thing I've experienced in my whole life.

I am sad, yes - but not overly. It's like I just realized that it was something that had to be done. She and I are in completely different places in life and neither one of us can understand the other's viewpoints in several areas. I do feel her friendship was one God blessed me with long ago but I also feel that God was ready for it to be over. He has given me this inexplicable peace about it. Either that or I've gone through so much pain already that I'm numb. Honestly though - I think I've felt God preparing me for this for quite awhile now.

I feel that changes are happening in and around me. Like my life is entering a new season. I don't know if this is a good feeling or not but rather that it's time for a change. I'm curiously content about it all.

This all may be temporary and I am open to reconciliation if it happens to ever come about but I feel a sense of finality in this. With that sense, I feel a sense of hope because I see new friendships emerging that seem to better serve the purpose God gave us for this type of relationship. I tried to salvage what I could but just hit a brick wall each time. A shame? Yes it is but I believe that things like this must change or we do not continue to grow as we should. I held her back as much as she did me. I may be grasping at straws here, but I have no choice but to try to make a little lemonade out of a very sour experience.

The Acquaintance

There you are again. How many times have I seen you, exchanged smiles, muttered a friendly hello and received a response in kind.? I know you yet I don’t. Most of the time we brush past each other and go our separate ways, never giving each other a second thought. But today, I look out across the crowd , into your laughing eyes and I see that glimpse of darkness behind your perfect smile.

Then I begin to wonder how our lives could be so similar yet seem so different on the surface. I wonder if the emotion underneath the mask is an indication of inner sadness, rage or just plain indifference. You seem to have it all together. Your life appears as a story book to the rest. But I see you have a secret and I share in that uneasiness. I wonder to myself, what kind of beautiful friendship could possibly be formed from the common bond we have, yet I will probably never approach you to pursue it.

Why must we live with this facade of perfection? It doesn’t seem to benefit either one us for hidden flaws cannot be repaired. How can we possibly relate to one another or others if we are not able to share our mistakes, our hurts, and our frustrations? Why is it so difficult to let people in to the inner workings of our mind? Without transparency, we are like the clouds which hide the sunshine from our soul.

The next time I see you, I will notice your perfectly groomed hair, your flawless fingernails, your pristine designer bag and the poised way you carry yourself. We will nod and smile. But next time, if the hint of sadness still shows beneath the forced but natural looking smile, I will stop and show you that I care. Kind words or gentle touch…. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to see within my expression that I have internal shadows too and our familiar nods will become knowing glances that lead to lengthening conversations. And we will begin to open our hearts to letting others in, to sharing more of our souls and to the clarity that sharing our needs, faults and imperfections can bring. For as much as we are alike, so are others and we do not have to endure this life alone.